You and partner have different last names: what will baby's last name be?

wtfisup · January 2014

My husband and I each have our own last name. Neither of us are very traditional; we're non religious; gender equality matters to us. Not only did I not see a point in taking his name when we married, but he was creeped out by the idea. So it wasn't even a question. Easy!

Now comes baby. I'd like her to have both our names, but I think the hyphenated form is too clunky and weird. The other option is putting them both unhyphenated, but then one is technically just a second middle name and the other is her legal last name. So we're still chewing on this.

Others with different last names from their partners, what's your plan?

FeliciaTwo · January 2014

I voted for the 4th option b/c I think we may do that. We know for sure that the baby's last name will be my husband's last name. We may do the two middle names thing, so that the baby has First, Second, My last name, His last name. (I believe this is traditional in many latino communities.)

I have to admit, I'm *considering* changing my *email name* to hyphenated last names. I'm not going to change it legally, but I wonder if that will make the two different last names less confusing to a school or caregiver. This would also be only my non-work (gmail) email.

wtfisup · January 2014

FeliciaTwo said:

I voted for the 4th option b/c I think we may do that. We know for sure that the baby's last name will be my husband's last name. We may do the two middle names thing, so that the baby has First, Second, My last name, His last name. (I believe this is traditional in many latino communities.)

I have to admit, I'm *considering* changing my *email name* to hyphenated last names. I'm not going to change it legally, but I wonder if that will make the two different last names less confusing to a school or caregiver. This would also be only my non-work (gmail) email.

So, I did that with my Gmail, but mostly to shut our mothers up. We come from traditional families that were squawking about how I wasn't being wifely (WTF ever that means, I'm sure it's not my intention). And then on our baby registry, I put our normal, different last names. Because realistically, if people are looking us up, that's how they'd search us. Cue my MIL saying, "Ugh, it looks like you're not even married." Oh, puh-leeeeez. Who cares? Anyone looking up our registry a) knows us, b) knows we are married, c) doesn't care about our names.

flerlgirl · January 2014

I took H's name but I am loling at the thought of hyphenating ours because they're both ridiculous names. It would be like Hurl-Elephant.

aleksandra_irmina · January 2014

wtfisup said:

FeliciaTwo said:

I voted for the 4th option b/c I think we may do that. We know for sure that the baby's last name will be my husband's last name. We may do the two middle names thing, so that the baby has First, Second, My last name, His last name. (I believe this is traditional in many latino communities.)

I have to admit, I'm *considering* changing my *email name* to hyphenated last names. I'm not going to change it legally, but I wonder if that will make the two different last names less confusing to a school or caregiver. This would also be only my non-work (gmail) email.

So, I did that with my Gmail, but mostly to shut our mothers up. We come from traditional families that were squawking about how I wasn't being wifely (WTF ever that means, I'm sure it's not my intention). And then on our baby registry, I put our normal, different last names. Because realistically, if people are looking us up, that's how they'd search us. Cue my MIL saying, "Ugh, it looks like you're not even married." Oh, puh-leeeeez. Who cares? Anyone looking up our registry a) knows us, b) knows we are married, c) doesn't care about our names.

It looks like you're not even married??

Did you remind her it's not 1955 anymore?

My husband wanted me to change my last name - I told him I would if I could start calling him a totally different name too. End of discussion. Just because you enter into a partnership when you get married, doesn't mean you have to change your identity.

But to answer your question, we're going to put my last name as the child's second name and husbands last name at the end. My last name is unpronounceable to most people and really long, but I do want it legally acknowledged.

chaysefaith · January 2014

She'll have his last name, but I should have it one day too. My kids have their dads last names too (which was a huge, young, stupid mistake) so we have lots of last names in our house already.

wtfisup · January 2014

Okay, I started researching and now I'm more confused. I think what I'm reading is that the child can have to legal last names, since that's common in the Latino community. (My husband is Latin, but his name isn't, nor does he culturally identify as such.) But I can't find any reputable legal site confirming this. All my Google Fu is turning up Yahoo Answers, not gov't sites.

Here's a link to a thread on Offbeat Families where folks discuss the options.

For background, my last name is fairly unique and I'm the last in my family with it. Each generation in my family had one male, ending with my brother. He died. Thus, I am the last ____ in our family. I like the name b/c it actually comes from a woman -- my great-great-grandmother was a German immigrant who became pregnant as a teenager, was disowned by her family, and fell into a life of prositution. I think it's a pretty badass source for a name -- a woman who did unconventional, taboo work to survive in a time when her life would mean only hardship.

All that said, I think my namesake is a cool story, but neither of us are particularly attached. Husband has a pretty generic name.

It's really just the political/gender role stuff for us. And especially since we're having a girl.

puttyeast · January 2014

We are not getting married until after the baby, but I'm giving the baby his last name because I will eventually take it. On the birth certificate, it obviously will have my maiden name and I'm cool with that. We will always be honest with the kid about the order of events.

I am happy to take his last name because it is much more student-friendly. My last name is essentially mispronounced all day.

b48kate · January 2014

I'm in the same boat. One of the many reasons I love my husband is that when I told him that I was not changing my name, he told me he had never expected that I would and he was surprised I was even mentioning it. The man knows me.

Seriously considering hyphenating the baby right now. We are lucky, his last name is 3 letters and mine is 6. Both are easy to pronounce and spell. It would actually sound pretty good...

Glad you brought this up...it has been on my mind lately!

Mrs_D_in_KY · January 2014

Now that I think of it, even though I am married and took DH's last name. The birth certificate from the state just lists my maiden name. Just something to consider.

chaysefaith · January 2014

puttyeast said:
On the birth certificate, it obviously will have my maiden name and I'm cool with that. We will always be honest with the kid about the order of events.

It might be different in different states, but both my kids birth certificates only asked for my maiden name, no room for married.

Luna C · January 2014

I voted SS because we are still deciding this.

I would prefer to hyphenate, but we both have mismatched ethnic, three-syllable names so it would be a bit awkward. (Picture something along the lines of Swarovski-Guiliano. Blergh.) Before we got pregnant, we had toyed with the idea of maybe giving any boys his name, and girls my name, but now that a baby is actually on the way, he's not for that any more.

We will probably end doing the two names/unhyphenated solution, although it is my least favorite. It's essentially just using his name.

I should note, we are both particularly sensitive on this topic since we are both the last ones in our families with our surnames.

owlcup · January 2014

Both our current kids have SO's last name. This one will too. We aren't married yet and I'm not sure if I will takr his last name. Mostly because the alliteration my name would be would sound horrible. Think, Jane Jacob. Ew.

megzep · January 2014

Ugh. So undecided. My name is hyphenated (although I just wanted to keep my maiden name). Both are five letters long. But does it seem silly for a boy to have a hyphenated name? Team green so it may be last minute decision.

MissBHaven1024 · January 2014

My DH and I weren't married when DD#1 was born, but she did take his last name. For us, we believed that to be the right thing to do.

elsa1688 · January 2014

I told my bf that baby gets my last name, and he can decide what my last name is

However, I know it means a lot to him and I am hoping we all have the same last name someday, so baby will take his last name from the beginning.

One family I went to high school with have their daughter a new last name. They both had kept their maiden names (Potter and Smith) and then their daughter was Jane Pottersmith. No hyphen. I've also heard of families all adopting one new name.

Luna C · January 2014

megzep said:

Ugh. So undecided. My name is hyphenated (although I just wanted to keep my maiden name). Both are five letters long. But does it seem silly for a boy to have a hyphenated name? Team green so it may be last minute decision.

Why would it be weird for a boy to have a hyphenated name?

wtfisup · January 2014

megzep said:
Ugh. So undecided. My name is hyphenated (although I just wanted to keep my maiden name). Both are five letters long. But does it seem silly for a boy to have a hyphenated name? Team green so it may be last minute decision.

Why would it be silly for boys?

megzep · January 2014

wtfisup said:

megzep said:
Ugh. So undecided. My name is hyphenated (although I just wanted to keep my maiden name). Both are five letters long. But does it seem silly for a boy to have a hyphenated name? Team green so it may be last minute decision.
Why would it be silly for boys?

Maybe not silly but uncommon?

ncbelle · January 2014

My kids have DH's last name but my last name as their middle name. I personally feel like hyphenated names are a bit clunky for a kid (and limit their choices down the road) although I suppose they could choose to do so when they were older if they wanted.

Luna C · January 2014

I still don't see why it would be more uncommon for boys than for girls....

Susanbeth85 · January 2014

DH and I decided that boys would take his last name and girls would take mine. We feel a hyphenated name is too long and limits kids options in the future. For example, what do two people with hyphenated names name their kids? Anyway we are sticking with our plan we just hope we eventually get one of each so we can both pass down our names. If we end up with all one sex, we might use one of our last names as a first or middle name for the last baby.

lifeisbetteronthered · January 2014

Technically DD (and all other kids) have my last name as their second middle name, an have DH's last name.

Sareynoo · January 2014

We had DD 3 years ago before we were married and we gave her my husband's last name.

chaysefaith · January 2014

Luna C said:

megzep said:

Ugh. So undecided. My name is hyphenated (although I just wanted to keep my maiden name). Both are five letters long. But does it seem silly for a boy to have a hyphenated name? Team green so it may be last minute decision.

Why would it be weird for a boy to have a hyphenated name?

Probably just because most of the people with hyphenated last names are women who wanted to still keep their last name.

I've seen this before and I always feel like it leaves their future wife no choice but to either take his name or keep hers.

catsinawindow · January 2014

My DS took DH's last name. I will say that my decision to keep my name was less focused than yours was. I just didn't feel like changing it, and my DH didn't mind. DS took DH's last name bc it's more traditional and our last names are terrible hyphenated (or next to each other).

Cherylwang · January 2014

My first husband passed away and my son has his last name. I re-married and hyphenated my last name. So I could still share my sons last name. My daughter w my now husband has his last name.
My neighbor is a high schooler and has a hyphenated last name. Her father is Latino and she has both last names. But I do think that is a lot for a kid to have 2 last names. I like the idea of the middle name being your last name and his being LO's last name. If your child is a girl and she marries and wants to keep her name and his you cannot have 3 last names. So it may be too much.

Edit: to elaborate I hyphenated my new husband and first husbands last names. So I'm not using my maiden name at all. It's very confusing to people.

katekat8721 · January 2014

This doesn't really apply to us, but I have a lot of friends who have done this. They've either let baby take partner's name or given baby a hyphenated name when the names weren't too long and hard to say together.

What I would probably do if it were me is give my maiden name as the middle name and give hubby's name as the last name.

wtfisup · January 2014

SNLT1012 said:

Luna C said:

megzep said:

Ugh. So undecided. My name is hyphenated (although I just wanted to keep my maiden name). Both are five letters long. But does it seem silly for a boy to have a hyphenated name? Team green so it may be last minute decision.

Why would it be weird for a boy to have a hyphenated name?

Probably just because most of the people with hyphenated last names are women who wanted to still keep their last name.

I've seen this before and I always feel like it leaves their future wife no choice but to either take his name or keep hers.

I think any man, woman, or future wife will have plenty of choice. They can legally change their name to anything they want.

Cherylwang · January 2014

I dated someone (about 12 years ago) that decided as a teen to hyphenate his birth dads last name and his step dads last name bc his step dad raised him. So I have known a boy to have a hyphenated name. I always did wonder if he married would his wife then be Mrs Jones-Smith? Or would she just choose the Smith or just keep her own last name?

puttyeast · January 2014

SNLT1012 said:

puttyeast said:
On the birth certificate, it obviously will have my maiden name and I'm cool with that. We will always be honest with the kid about the order of events.
It might be different in different states, but both my kids birth certificates only asked for my maiden name, no room for married.

I just looked it up and apparently my state also only asks for maiden name. I didn't realize that! Thanks for bringing that up!

FeliciaTwo · January 2014

wtfisup said:

Okay, I started researching and now I'm more confused. I think what I'm reading is that the child can have to legal last names, since that's common in the Latino community. (My husband is Latin, but his name isn't, nor does he culturally identify as such.) But I can't find any reputable legal site confirming this. All my Google Fu is turning up Yahoo Answers, not gov't sites.

Here's a link to a thread on Offbeat Families where folks discuss the options.

For background, my last name is fairly unique and I'm the last in my family with it. Each generation in my family had one male, ending with my brother. He died. Thus, I am the last ____ in our family. I like the name b/c it actually comes from a woman -- my great-great-grandmother was a German immigrant who became pregnant as a teenager, was disowned by her family, and fell into a life of prositution. I think it's a pretty badass source for a name -- a woman who did unconventional, taboo work to survive in a time when her life would mean only hardship.

All that said, I think my namesake is a cool story, but neither of us are particularly attached. Husband has a pretty generic name.

It's really just the political/gender role stuff for us. And especially since we're having a girl.

I don't know what the rules are legally, sorry. I do know that lots of the students show up in my roster with 4 names so someone at least knows how to enroll them with a first name, second name, and 2 last names.

It would certainly be a bummer if your last name "died out" especially since it's unique. Would your families be OK with using your last name?

wtfisup · January 2014

FeliciaTwo said:

It would certainly be a bummer if your last name "died out" especially since it's unique. Would your families be OK with using your last name?

Hah! No, but that's not really our concern. They'll probably be pissy that we're not just using only my husband's name. We realized many moons ago that pleasing family wouldn't be the premise for our decision making.

I do really want my husband's name in there somewhere. When I brought it up this morning he said, "It's fine if she only has your name." But, c'mon, I adore him. It's our kid. I want him on there.

Chaby · January 2014

If you decide to go for option 3 be ready for your LO's name to always be messed up... I didn't change my name but I have 2 last names... It's always a problem!

EmbracingChange · January 2014

My speech teacher in college was a man with the last name Phipps-Winfrey. It wasn't odd to us and his wife took his name.

I took my husband's name when we married because I didn't care much for mine and there were 4 boys that could continue it.

wtfisup · January 2014

Chaby said:

If you decide to go for option 3 be ready for your LO's name to always be messed up... I didn't change my name but I have 2 last names... It's always a problem!

Both my name and my husband's name are always messed up by 90% of humans. I think that's just part of life. The "-son" at this end of his name is always omitted. Mine is always mispronounced.

bebemac · January 2014

I have a friend from grad school who made up a new last name from a combination of her maiden name and her husband's last name. They both got new last names! His was Mason (I think) and hers was Brabeck and they now both use Mabeck. Kinda cool, I think!

kittenslove · January 2014

We are doing option four at this point. I might make it a second middle name for ease of school enrollment and database, but haven't made a declension yet. I work with the data department, and I know that our ancient system is not going to updated any time soon. I guess time will tell.

I never legally took his name, and still use my maiden name at work. Keeping my maiden name at work is important to me, and DH was very understanding. My drivers license is in my husbands name now, and I do have bank accounts and bills in his name. My passport is in my maiden name, as I never changed my name with social security. Basically, I have an alias, which I think is bad ass

k2k2tog · January 2014

I kept my last name when we got married, but this baby, and all our other children will have my husband's last name. I think there's actually a good, biological reason for this. There's no need for me to claim this baby as my own - I'm the one giving birth to it, after all. But, when a father gives a child his last name, I think it's really beautiful symbolism of his own commitment to that child. I get to spend 9 months bonding to our baby before birth. His first act of bonding is in sharing his name with him or her.

Also, I love his last name. It means 'happy on the hill' in Dutch. It's also 11 letters, so there's no way we'd consider hyphenating.

Susanrush13 · January 2014

My bf and I aren't married. He doesn't want to carry on his last name due to a toxic relationship with his dad and I don't want the baby just to have my last name, so the baby will take his moms last name. When/if we marry we're taking her last name anyway, so baby is one step ahead of us.

almendarez · January 2014

I took DHs last name so this doesn't apply to me but our friends kept their own last names after marriage and ended up giving their daughter the fathers last name.

My sisters husband had a hyphenated last name before they got married and my sister did not want the hyphen so they both took his mothers maiden name, which pissed off his dad..

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