Any ideas for how to handle a long-distance "baby shower"?

BleubirdOnAWire · January 2014

First-time american mama living overseas in China, away from all who want to wish me well.

Family and friends have expressed interest in wanting to do something for me and have begun to ask how they could help or what system is available for gifting.

I'm not sure how to handle this without something personally organized by myself coming off as tacky.

We do not have Babies r Us type of stores here where I could register if someone asks. Anyway - the shipping costs for gifts would be ridiculous.

Obviously, collecting monies would be the easiest, but how to go about that?

I wasn't expecting any help setting up for the baby, though any and all would be appreciated and I'd like to do it with grace : )

I'd love to hear some ideas - something I'm not thinking of.

Thanks in advance!

katiebenes · January 2014

How long will you be in China? How old will the baby be if/when you come back?

With my family we'd probably wait and do a meet the baby thing...

BleubirdOnAWire · January 2014

I live overseas. I may come back to the US when the child is school-age, but that is uncertain.

Gigi8212 · January 2014

There is no way to graciously ask for money. Do you have any idea what your family means by helping you out? Do you think they intend to do a virtual baby shower? Send gifts? Money?

Honestly, I would just leave it up to them. They will send what they feel comfortable with, whether that be money or gifts.

PrimRoseMama · January 2014

You can set up registries online. Have the items shipped.

Please don't collect money. It's so tacky. If people want to write you a check or money order to put in a card then they will do it without solicitation. To mention it is gross.

People can figure it out without you having to organize.

alphalyrae · January 2014

Amazon.

lexusolsen · January 2014

I'd register online for whatever you need and let your mom and or sister know that you registered here if anyone asks.

beachmamaNY · January 2014

How is Amazon with shipping to China?

BleubirdOnAWire · January 2014

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm actually quite uncomfortable receiving gifts or money as it has been my personal culture to do for myself, but I am grown enough to know that prohibiting others from giving can be a disservice to their generous spirit. I'm certainly not about to ASK someone for money. The question I've been getting is "what would help you out the most?" and in my mind it's been well, gee, money for baby things and so no one has to waste money on shipping which seems like throwing it away - though I understand ppl like to pick out an actual "thing" and give it.In this way, even registries seem so, I don't know, controlling on the part of the receiver? ha. I even thought about steering them towards savings bond. I received those as a child. In any case, I'll look into the online registry. Probably over-fretting this whole issue. Thanks!

AngelaAmy · January 2014

I feel like if people are asking it would be ok to explain that to them. They will probably appreciate not having a huge shipping charges and if they are close enough to want to buy you something they are probably understanding that you are in a unique situation and genuinely wondering what the best thing to do is. It's not like you're expecting people to send you money, you're just giving an honest answer to a question from people who obviously want to do something for you and baby.

cchild101010 · January 2014

I would consider an online registry through Amazon or one of the other baby stores. The other thing I would do is have a very honest conversation with your mom/sister/other law relative about what you need/how it would help and then maybe she could spread the word for you?!?

Gigi8212 · January 2014

BleubirdOnAWire said:
Thanks for the suggestions. I'm actually quite uncomfortable receiving gifts or money as it has been my personal culture to do for myself, but I am grown enough to know that prohibiting others from giving can be a disservice to their generous spirit. I'm certainly not about to ASK someone for money. The question I've been getting is "what would help you out the most?" and in my mind it's been well, gee, money for baby things and so no one has to waste money on shipping which seems like throwing it away - though I understand ppl like to pick out an actual "thing" and give it.In this way, even registries seem so, I don't know, controlling on the part of the receiver? ha. I even thought about steering them towards savings bond. I received those as a child. In any case, I'll look into the online registry. Probably over-fretting this whole issue. Thanks!

Your post is kind of confusing. You say you don't expect gifts or money but yet you seem to want approval to tell people you would like money if they ask you what you need.

You should just tell them what you need when they ask but say that you know shipping is expensive to China and therefore, please don't feel obligated to buy me anything. I am sure they already know that shipping is quite an expense. If they want to send the gifts anyway, that is their prerogative and you shouldn't be upset that they are "throwing" money away on shipping. But again, I don't see how it would ever be appropriate to tell them you want money, regardless of how you word it.

BleubirdOnAWire · January 2014

Well, I was just wondering if anyone knew of some online or banking thingy with an organized way of gifting money or - like a kick-starter for gifting. I'm not very savvy with these things. But people have started to ask and I didn't want to turn down gifts just because I wasn't ready with organization. I don't even have an address yet, because I move around every few mths. Also, where I live, it is commonplace to give red envelopes of money and not gifts. I'm supposed to refuse it up to 3 times before accepting! There's lots of cultural confusion surrounding these things over here. I once threw a bridal shower for a chinese friend and she wondered if she would need her bathing suit...for the shower part.

Thanks for the comments. I was just fishing for some tips that my pregnancy brain might have missed.

KVGiovanelli · January 2014

AngelaAmy-Very nicely put. Don't worry about people judging you or being tacky. You aren't forcing anything on anyone. I hate that we have to worry about being tacky and hurting feeling, people are so judgmental!

PrimRoseMama · January 2014

BleubirdOnAWire said:
Well, I was just wondering if anyone knew of some online or banking thingy with an organized way of gifting money or - like a kick-starter for gifting. I'm not very savvy with these things. But people have started to ask and I didn't want to turn down gifts just because I wasn't ready with organization. I don't even have an address yet, because I move around every few mths. Also, where I live, it is commonplace to give red envelopes of money and not gifts. I'm supposed to refuse it up to 3 times before accepting! There's lots of cultural confusion surrounding these things over here. I once threw a bridal shower for a chinese friend and she wondered if she would need her bathing suit...for the shower part.
Thanks for the comments. I was just fishing for some tips that my pregnancy brain might have missed.

You still don't ever ask for the good luck envelope of money in Chinese culture. Sorry.

There is no way to politely say "just send money". That's not a cultural thing. If someone wants to gift you a material item then the cost of shipping is most likely already known to them.

I know you'd rather have $ but really, it's incredibly poor form to outright say this to any friend/family member.

Giraffealaff · January 2014

I would recommend Amazon, TBH. The nice thing about Amazon is that there are international sellers, so it is very possible that the gifters will not wind up paying a lot in shipping costs. Also if the person who is gifting to you has Amazon Prime, they usually have free shipping anyway.

If a person goes online and sees the item but the shipping cost is too high, they may just turn around and offer you cash/giftcard/etc - which is fine and perfectly acceptable, but I wouldn't outright ask for that.

I think if you have someone you are very close to - mother or MIL , perhaps? I think it would be fine to explain the whole situation to them, and maybe they will have a solution, but beyond that I don't know if I would mention it to anyone else.

KSwen719 · January 2014

People get really offended whenever this topic comes up - it's the same with bridal showers. Everyone is SUPER concerned with etiquette. I've never experienced that kind of concern IRL, and I've been involved in countless baby showers and bridal showers as both guest and hostess, but on message boards it's a hot topic.

The safest way to go about getting what you want is to start a baby registry with a Chinese online site and send people the link when/if they ask. That way you'll avoid the whole $50 in shipping charges issue. Alternatively, as some PP have mentioned, tell mom/sister/inlaws/BFF that you're really just hoping for gift cards/money or whatever else you could really use because that makes things easier. That way, when someone asks you what would help you most, you can say something like "I think my mom (or whomever) has been handling that - maybe check with her?"

People could also ship things to someone in the States like your mom or whatever, who could then ship it all to you at once. You can then often get a freight rate on shipping, which will be slower but much, much cheaper. I lived in the UK for a few years and used this process occasionally, and it was always much more economical.

I don't think that just because you're living out of the country you shouldn't have the opportunity to participate in traditions, especially since you have people asking to help. Best of luck!

KSwen719 · January 2014

I think 'soliciting gifts' is a bit different from what I suggested. Don't be so dramatic.

sschwege · January 2014

Whenever someone is planning something, shall we say unconventional a poem seems to work best:

Our baby is coming, but we live far away

So we won't be able to celebrate our own special day

Send only cash as that we can use

To buy butt cream and those cute little shoes

But seriously there is no polite way to 'collect monies' from your loved ones. Set up an Amazon registry as pp suggested or let them know that while you appreciate the thought you are all set, will send pictures when the baby arrives, etc. Asking for money, even nicely is rude!

Nxy · January 2014

I'm kinda in the same boat! DH and I are stationed on Guam and while registering online is good so people know what we need, a crib isn't (99% of the time) going to ship to my APO address. So when people ask "what do you need" "what would be the most helpful" it is a really hard question to answer. Money, money would be incredibly helpful! But I usually just say cloths because they fit in a box.

AmericanInOz · January 2014

I live in Australia

my family (in the USA) wanted to do something like this

what we did instead, is I went back to visit when dd was 3 months old and they threw me a 'meet the baby' party instead

there's no good way to ask for money without coming across rude

you could set up some sort of account people could deposit into - but I'd only give people who ASKED the details. And honestly I wouldn't even do that, if you really only want money then just say no thanks to the shower and you'll get clothes/books from people who really want to buy you a gift

BleubirdOnAWire · January 2014

I appreciate all the feedback from moms who are away from family. I will look into the freight shipping idea. As for some of the tips here, I am definitely not soliciting money. And no one is asking for red envelopes - just said that there is another tradition here regarding gifting for babies. The baby's grandparents and great grand-parents have asked me what would help me most and I told them I'd get back to them once I do my research. I think their questions is sincere and they wouldn't want to send something I don't need. I was not ready with price comparison of bigger items, not ready with registries, etc, so I asked here. Don't ppl give gift certificates? This is what I meant - if there was some way to organize that kind of thing from country to country, specifically China. Don't office ladies pool together and purchase an item as a group? Just looking for options for when it is asked again. Now I know from here that Amazon is worldwide, for example. After reading some of the comments, I do agree that if someone wants to pay for shipping for a gift it is their perogative. My mother just sent a regular size box of shoes for Christmas and paid 100 US for regular post. That's her choice, sure! I always feel badly though. I'm the run away/far away daughter : ) Thanks again.

rainydayluck · January 2014

You could set up a 529 (if you plan to return to the states) and if someone asks specifically if you have something for college set up that they would like to contribute, you can direct them to that. Otherwise, I think the China Amazon site is a good idea for a registry.

Xath · January 2014

We threw a long distance baby shower for my aunt in Japan over Skype. We all pooled together to send (mostly smaller) items in one large package so that noone was out too much $$ for shipping. Larger items were purchased through local (Japanese) retailers and shipped directly. We used Amazon Japan; you might be able to register on Amazon China and have your family get items that way. Once everything had arrived (my uncle helped coordinate immensely), we planned a date for the Skype shower and everyone here went to my Gran's house so we could watch her open gifts over the computer. It was a nice time.

BleubirdOnAWire · January 2014

Oh, gertie, that's a great idea. We're getting better at organizing skype dates with aging parents : )Thank you! And thank you to rainydayluck for the tip.

KVGiovanelli · January 2014

People are sensitive and judgmental, she is thinking about others with shipping costs. I think she has a unique situation and others should see outside the box. She could simply explain shipping costs are high. Some people may be happy that they don't have to put forth effort to find, and ship a gift. I think that it is considerate of her to think about shipping cost and is sensible that that extra money can be saved or put into the baby for items.

RedheadBaker said:

AngelaAmy-Very nicely put. Don't worry about people judging you or being tacky. You aren't forcing anything on anyone. I hate that we have to worry about being tacky and hurting feeling, people are so judgmental!
No. Just no. You've completely missed the point of etiquette.

KVGiovanelli · January 2014

As you can see no matter what you do you are going to get different points of view. Do what you think is best for you and others, some people may not realize that shipping cost will be so high, so explain to them what you need and follow through with the cost of shipping, giving them the option and put the ball in their court, honesty is the best policy, and people should be understanding of you, and will if they honestly love you and want to help out of the goodness of their heart!

Any ideas for how to handle a long-distance "baby shower"?

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