How to ask about baby shower?

flawedpottery · January 2014

Let me start by saying I don't expect a shower and I wouldn't be upset if no one threw me one. This is my third child but DH's first (and my first in 10 years). When I first got pregnant everyone was ecstatic and every time I'd buy something baby related I was told by both of our moms and others "don't buy too much there will be nothing for anyone to buy for your shower". I was asked several times if we had registered so we finally went and registered for stuff right before Christmas but haven't mentioned it unless asked directly.

At this point though I'm 22 weeks and no one has mentioned a shower to me. No one has asked for addresses and phone numbers (and I don't think they have them either). I am trying to figure out a way to mention it to find out if I'm having one at all. I simply want to know if we need to start picking things up here and there or if we should wait until after. Is there a polite way to ask moms/friends without sounding like I'm asking them to throw me one? I don't want to make someone feel like I expect one but I just want to know one way or the other. Hopefully, I don't come off sounding entitled or spoiled or anything.

IBackBevo · January 2014

Idk...I probably would not ask or if I did I would just ask my Mom. I don't think there is a way to ask without sounding like you expect a shower. Honestly, I don't hear of too many showers for a third child around here.

flawedpottery · January 2014

I didn't expect one either until they started mentioning it, and for a few months I heard "oh you'll get that at your shower" from both of them a bunch and now nothing. I may just end up buying stuff and either having two of them or taking one back if someone does throw me one.

marleybarne · January 2014

That's a tough one. In my circle, no one has any problem throwing baby showers for second, third, and beyond babies. That said, I discovered on the 2nd trimester forum that there are people who view showers beyond the first as incredibly tacky and just downright shocking. I'm serious. ..there are some shower Nazis out there :0 But in your case #1. It's been awhile if there's a 10 yr space, and #2. you said it's DH's first child. So I would think a shower would be much appreciated and not considered tacky at all in your situation. But how to feel it out without asking outright--that's a challenge. I guess I would try just dropping as many hints as I could about starting to shop for baby and see if the people you mentioned step in and indicate they're planning. You could maybe even ask people for advice on where to buy what and see if that gets anyone talking. We had #2 after six + years of infertility and there's an 11 year age difference between my daughter and son, and the showers people gave for #2 were much appreciated. (Although we're not expecting one with #3 because we still have a lot of stuff). At any rate, hope someone does one for you. Good luck!

IBackBevo · January 2014

Yeah, I would just keep the receipts if you buy anything.

Xath · January 2014

I think it's probably safe to ask your mom. Just explain it to her like you did above. She doesn't need to let you know where/when if it's a surprise, but you do need to know for planning purposes.

MissLadyTay · January 2014

That's tough. I would probably mention to my mom and MIL in casual conversation "oh we bought a
stroller" or some such thing. See if they give the usual "oh no! Wait for your shower!" At which point I would be more direct and say "oh, is that happening? When? Who is hosting?" Mention that you would like to be kept updated about the major details. Hopefully they'll take the hint that you need a little more information.

flawedpottery · January 2014

@marleybarne I would definitely appreciate one and in my family it's not unusual to throw them at all for second or third kids, though they tend to be a bit tamer the second or third time gift-wise. My son will be 14 when this baby is born so definitely an age difference and no baby stuff left over!

I think I may just mention it to my mom and see what she says. She wouldn't be offended by me asking I don't think and maybe she'll mention it to his mom for me?

talkthewholetime · January 2014

Next time someone says that, I would just reply with "I don't think anyone is throwing me a shower" and see if that gets you anywhere.

HARLEYSMOM2010 · January 2014

Maybe ask your mom to go crib shopping or something and see if that gets the subject brought up

bumpuser10194737 · January 2014

Probably safe to ask your mom, but I know that with my first I was due May 12, and I didn't have my shower until mid-March, and so I think invitations went out in the middle of February. So, if someone is planning to throw one, they may just not have gotten to organizing it yet. Especially right after the holidays. Maybe give it another couple of weeks before asking your mom too.

spacepotatoes · January 2014

marleybarne said:

That's a tough one. In my circle, no one has any problem throwing baby showers for second, third, and beyond babies. That said, I discovered on the 2nd trimester forum that there are people who view showers beyond the first as incredibly tacky and just downright shocking. I'm serious. ..there are some shower Nazis out there :0 But in your case #1. It's been awhile if there's a 10 yr space, and #2. you said it's DH's first child. So I would think a shower would be much appreciated and not considered tacky at all in your situation. But how to feel it out without asking outright--that's a challenge. I guess I would try just dropping as many hints as I could about starting to shop for baby and see if the people you mentioned step in and indicate they're planning. You could maybe even ask people for advice on where to buy what and see if that gets anyone talking. We had #2 after six + years of infertility and there's an 11 year age difference between my daughter and son, and the showers people gave for #2 were much appreciated. (Although we're not expecting one with #3 because we still have a lot of stuff). At any rate, hope someone does one for you. Good luck!

In all fairness, the most recent "shower nazi" thread on 2nd tri was about a woman who was having another boy only 2 years after having a boy. That's a whole different issue from this OP's situation and definitely worth all of the side-eyes she got.

OP, it might still be a little early. I think trying to talk to your mom as PPs suggested is probably the best place to start.

Empireceo · January 2014

If anything, it's your husband's first, so I would think his family would be more into a shower. Maybe invite your MIL to go crib shopping and see what she says. Remember, people don't need a party to give you gifts. Anyone who wants to will anyway.

Magheeta · January 2014

I think it would be okay to bring it up with your mom if you're comfortable. I've already had other family members ask me when the shower is, and I haven't had anyone offer yet. My mom and sister have talked about it, but they tend to procrastinate, so I'm tempted gently nudge them to get an idea. We live about 5 hours apart, so I'm going to use the excuse that I need to plan my time off from work

Also, because it's your DH's first, I think it's totally acceptable, too.

lovelylauren86 · January 2014

I would have DH ask his mom! There are less tact rules for men

pandadair · January 2014

I would just straight up ask, or make my husband ask his mom, but it depends on the relationship you have. Since they've specifically been telling you not to buy stuff, I don't see why it would be out of line. My MIL kept making comments like "Oh, someone's already bought you a crib..." and "Oh, so you already bought a stroller...", so I finally made my husband ask her if there was something specific they were hoping to buy for the baby, because it was getting annoying.

TrishW2014 · January 2014

I completely understand! This is my 4th child but my 1st with my husband. My youngest child is 7 and I had no intentions of having more kids but got divorced and now here I am, pregnant with my 4th. I have no baby stuff left. My 3 best friends know I have no baby stuff and they offered to throw me a shower but after letting my in laws know about my first big baby item purchase this week, my MIL called and offered to throw me a shower. His family is excited for their first grandchild from my hubby, so I would think that your in laws would be getting on board soon!

flawedpottery · January 2014

I really appreciate all the responses.

I'll mention it to my mom next time I talk to her. She still lives where I grew up which is 3 hours away so I don't see her often unfortunately. After that I'll just let it go and buy stuff and see what happens.

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