NWMR: Invite the whole class or not?

PSU_Texan · January 2014

Moms What say you on inviting the whole class to birthday parties? Interesting article here https://www.momlogic.com/2008/10/invite_my_kid_to_your_birthday.php I'm struggling with what to do this year for our kindergardener. Last year in PK at same school we invited her class but not the other PK class. This year the classes got mixed so we have friends in both. But the idea of hosting 30 kids is overwhelming not to mention expensive. And frankly my daughter would probably enjoy a smaller party. But it seems like most folks are still having the big party. Is it too early to have a smaller party? Is that only allowed in middle school and beyond?

carlab44 · January 2014

DD is in 2nd grade, and I've never invited the entire class to her party. Now, her birthday is right after school gets out, but even if it was during the school year I wouldn't invite the whole class. She has friends from outside of school, and many of her friends aren't even in her class. So it would end up being over 30 kids at one party, many of whom aren't her close friends.

DS is in daycare (starts kindergarten next year) and last year we invited all of the boys to his party. This year we're only doing like 7 kids.

daisy662 · January 2014

This article is ridiculous. This is exactly the parenting philosophy that has created a society of entitlement in this country. Further, think of it this way, if there are 30 kids in a class and each kid has a bday party, her kid will be invited to 30 bday parties per year. Omg, however will the child not go to all of them? Someone may feel bad if he can't make it to Johnny's but he went to Susie's!! Ridiculous...

CarrieB. · January 2014

I don't have school age kids, but that's rediculous. When I was a child, no one invited the whole class to their parties. There were lots of girls who I wouldn't have even wanted to go to their parties because I wasn't friends with them. And I don't remember being sad about not being invited to things in grade school. Maybe in high school, but that's different.

I feel like the article also implies that if you are lower income, you can't have a small bday party, which is really offensive.

MamaAllison · January 2014

Thank God the teacher made a comment about teachable moments and letting your kid feel some disappointment but then realizing life goes on. I know we all love our kids dearly and never want to see them hurt, but the skills of acceptance, grit, and having a stiff upper lip are more connected to success in life than anything else. It will far better serve your child to learn these skills than much of what they learn day to day in school.

Sorry. End rant!

Iblamethebeer · January 2014

That article was terrible. If you can't invite the entire in class invite NO one?!

I think it's a bad idea to invite 75% of the class, sure. And maybe if you're in a preschool where "class" is 8 kids, it's a bad idea to invite 3 of them and have it dominate class discussion.

But I see absolutely no problem with inviting a few kids and having a small party, ESPECIALLY if it's something your kid will prefer.

LoCarb · January 2014

I disagree with the author of the article.

Bring a snack to school and celebrate with the class. In PK, some parents will hire a magician or special entertainer for the class in liu of a party elsewhere. I will continue to host smaller parties with only a few invites from DD's classroom.

BeeGirl2 · January 2014

I agree with PP. I do not think you need to invite the entire class but inviting all but 1 or 2 kids is really mean!

groovygrl · January 2014

That is so ridiculous.

I did invite the whole prek class last summer, knowing that 50% would not come b/c frankly, the same 50% come to all the parties and 50% never come to any (of course I'm in the 50% that comes so I know who typically shows up and who never does). I will likely invite the whole class again this year but once we move on to K and beyond, I will definitely not invite a whole class and would never expect the whole class to invite my kids.

FWIW I have b/g twins and already at 4 yrs old have had to deal with the fact that DD will be invited a 'girls only' party and DS doesnt get invited. There's no hiding that from kids. I get why the parents have a small party and I also get why it is only girls (things like nail painting and pottery painting) so we make sure DS has something fun to do that day. I can't be mad at parents for doing parties that way, it's their kid, their choice. If there was a co-ed party and one of my kids was invited & not the other, that would be a much tougher situation for me at this point since they're in the same class &have all the same friends...but once we go off to elementary, I know that will probably happen too as they make their own way & friends. It stinks but it's a fact of life.

*sparky* · January 2014

I agree with those that said the article is ridiculous - the mom is whiny and unrealistic. When DS was younger (preschool through K) we invited the entire class because the kids were too young to understand that not everyone is friends and DS had not really formed his core group of friends yet. And parties were at a bouncy place, or a sports place, so if I had 10 kids or 30 kids it was not that big of a deal.

Anyway, by 1st grade, he knew who his friends were and there were some kids he just did not hang out with that much. So we did not invite the entire class. And by 2nd and 3rd grade, he is over the bounce houses, etc., so his birthday party is a small group at the house with a sleepover and there is no way I am inviting the entire class to my house. There are parties he has not been invited to, and wouldn't go to if he was invited.

The school does have a rule that if you are not inviting the entire class then they will not distribute the invites to the class for you - you have to send them outside of school. Which makes sense to me. There have been parties DS wasn't invited to but he's not really friends with those kids anyway so he doesn't care.

That mom seriously needs to get a grip. I would say do what you want. If it doesn't work to have 30 kids then invite a smaller group.

jf198400 · January 2014

I can understand both sides of the argument, it's hard b/c obviously big parties are more expensive and logistically difficult. But I also think it's nice to include everyone at a young age (I'm just not sure at what age that stops- my oldest is only 3 right now).

I think I have a unique perspective b/c my younger brother has Asperger's syndrome (autism) and never really had "close" friends. It was always nice when he was included in parties and things with his classmates. I definitely agree with pp who said it should be the whole class or only a handful- don't ever exclude just a few kids.

Also thank you to pp who mentioned boy/girl twins, I never thought about that despite having a boy and girl 18months apart in age. Hopefully I can be sensitive to that in the future. We've only had one friends party so far for DDs 3rd bday, we had a party at a park so number of kids didn't matter. I put "siblings welcome" on the invitations b/c I know with kids close in age it's hard if one isnt included.

groovygrl · January 2014

jf198400 said:

I can understand both sides of the argument, it's hard b/c obviously big parties are more expensive and logistically difficult. But I also think it's nice to include everyone at a young age (I'm just not sure at what age that stops- my oldest is only 3 right now). I think I have a unique perspective b/c my younger brother has Asperger's syndrome (autism) and never really had "close" friends. It was always nice when he was included in parties and things with his classmates. I definitely agree with pp who said it should be the whole class or only a handful- don't ever exclude just a few kids. Also thank you to pp who mentioned boy/girl twins, I never thought about that despite having a boy and girl 18months apart in age. Hopefully I can be sensitive to that in the future. We've only had one friends party so far for DDs 3rd bday, we had a party at a park so number of kids didn't matter. I put "siblings welcome" on the invitations b/c I know with kids close in age it's hard if one isnt included.

It is nice of you to put siblings welcome but I also think it is rude when parents assume it is fine to bring siblings to a party w/out asking if they were not actually invited. We also had a park party & so I didn't mind when ppl brought sibs, it was no skin off my back (and they all said something to me about it ahead of time except one, and they had him off in a different area playing until we explicitly invited him over to eat since we had plenty anyway), but if it is at a rental place or even in one's home where space might be limited, it bugs me when I hear of ppl just showing up w/siblings.

the b/g twin thing is a little harder than siblings since they're around 100% of the same exact kids all the time, at least in the preschool years. the first time there was a girls only party, the person also invited DS to be nice but i could tell by the type of party it was that he was likely the only boy invited & I felt like I had to ask about it so we didn't show up & have him be the only boy there (this became more of a concern around age 4 when they started playing more w/ one gender and talking about boys and girls as separate groups etc).. then I basically left it up to DS if he wanted to go, w/ full knowledge that he'd be the only boy & that the activity was not really something he liked doing. we offered him an alternative activity that he loves doing, knowing he'd probably opt for that (he did), but the 2nd time it happened, I felt like I needed to start being clear that sometimes they'd be invited to different things, so we just had MH take him somewhere fun. When DD came home w/ some crafts from it, he was pretty upset, though he got over it. It's hard, but honestly if you run into this situation w/ twins I'd just be up front w/ the parent about the type of party it is and if there will only be one gender there. If you're open to the other child coming say so but it at least gives them a heads up b/c it is really uncomfortable to ask about it and to show up & find 8 girls and just the one boy would also be tough esp if the activity is not something your kid likes. Obviously if your LO does not like the other sib & does not want that child there or if there is another reason they can't come, that is understandable too, but the parent would probably appreciate some kind of communication just to know for sure that the sibling is not invited. One nice thign is to send home a favor if you're doing them for the other sibling that wasn't invited, my DS has liked getting those. None of the boys at school have done a boys only party that I'm aware of yet (if so we weren't invited, and who knows if part of that might have been awkwardness in not inviting his sister) so we haven't had the opposite- I kind of would like it to happen only to make it a little more 'fair' if that makes any sense LOL.

jf198400 · January 2014

Yea we are just starting to have dd invited to bday parties at school, and we do not take DS. He's only 1.5 so he doesn't know the difference yet, im sure it will be harder in a year or so. I much prefer family parties, lots of kids of different ages, everyone has a good time.

sweetsunnyc · January 2014

This is interesting because I just got an Evite for one of my daughters kindergarten friends. Looking at the invitation, it's obvious that not everyone in the class is invited. I agree with a lot of points that the previous posters have brought up- Inviting 30 kids to a party can get expensive, so keep the invite list small and do not just leave out one or two kids. As a mom, that would make me feel horrible. I also really like the idea of bringing in cupcakes or something for the whole class to celebrate during the birthday week. My daughter has a summer birthday, so we don't really have this problem- her parties usually consist of our family and a few close friends that she plays with through the summer.

emberlee3 · January 2014

DS's preschool is just one big class of 30ish kids, and the norm is to invite the whole school. We can't host that many at our small house, so we went with a bouncy place. It was $$$, but he had a blast. About half the kids came. He wants to do the same thing next year, but he will start kindie right before his birthday, so we might get away with just inviting friends.

ETA: I just read the link, and I think she's ridiculous. Also, to clarify, DS's school is mixed ages so it's kind of expected that a lot of kids won't come. Usually it's just the kids who are close in age.

mexicolombiana · January 2014

Hm I hadn't even thought of this. DD#1 is in pre-k for the first year and I don't know any of the kids or parents, there are 20 total in her class. Her birthday is in July and I don't think I'm inviting any of her classmates to her party actually. We always do parties with friends and family. I guess maybe I'll re-consider and invite the girls only from her class?

Honestly I'm not sure. I don't care all that much either especially because her birthday is in the summer so she won't be seeing the kids at all during the summer.

*sparky* · January 2014

@mexicolombiana - I think with a summer birthday you have less to worry about. It is when their B-days are during the year and kids are talking about parties during school or parents send the invites into class to be distributed to the kids' folders that you are more likely to have to worry about this.

PSU_Texan · January 2014

Thanks Ladies for the reality check! I definitely would plan to send invites direct to the home instead of passing out at school to try and minimize hurt feelings.

I think I will propose to my daughter that we can either invite all to the local park for play and cake or have a fancier/pintresty party at home with 5-6 friends (out of 30). I will probably also tell her this is the last year for the big party.

mexicolombiana · January 2014

*sparky* said:

@mexicolombiana - I think with a summer birthday you have less to worry about. It is when their B-days are during the year and kids are talking about parties during school or parents send the invites into class to be distributed to the kids' folders that you are more likely to have to worry about this.

Whew, lucky we have a summer birthday

I will say that when she gets to grammar school I think it'll depend on the # of kids in her class. I would feel crappy if some kids didn't get invited.

shannm · January 2014

We invite entire classes. Last year it was about 24 and 15 showed. This year his class is only 15 kids. I might feel differently if I thought 30 kids would show up.
Also, I don't intend on doing nonfamily parties every year.

jen39171 · January 2014

In 7 years of teaching 4th and 5th grade, I've only ever had 1 child invite the whole class. Many do only girls or only boys, but most invite 2 or 3 kids from each class (their closest friends). Our school's written policy is absolutely no invitations at school, but in practice we allow hand outs to all students or all girls/ all boys.

laurakaz13 · January 2014

That article was horrible. Especially the part about, "if you can't afford to invite everyone, you don't get to throw your kid a party." I think that woman is awful.

I can't comment from experience, but DD is almost 3 and has only had grandparents at her parties so far. I guess when she gets older she will have kids there too. But not for a while.

VOR · January 2014

PSU_Texan said:

But it seems like most folks are still having the big party. Is it too early to have a smaller party? Is that only allowed in middle school and beyond?

Do what works for YOU. There really are no rules around this. There is no "allowed" or "not allowed".

And no, I would never invite the entire class. DS wanted to invite his entire preschool class this year. No. He got to invite 5 kids because he was turning 5. Well - it ended up at more like 7, but still- better than 16!!

You've honestly got to put aside "what does everyone else do?". Dont' worry about "everyone else". Worry about you. There will ALWAYS be "that parent" who goes above and beyond. Ignore it.

groovygrl · January 2014

VOR said:

PSU_Texan said:

But it seems like most folks are still having the big party. Is it too early to have a smaller party? Is that only allowed in middle school and beyond?

Do what works for YOU. There really are no rules around this. There is no "allowed" or "not allowed".

And no, I would never invite the entire class. DS wanted to invite his entire preschool class this year. No. He got to invite 5 kids because he was turning 5. Well - it ended up at more like 7, but still- better than 16!!

You've honestly got to put aside "what does everyone else do?". Dont' worry about "everyone else". Worry about you. There will ALWAYS be "that parent" who goes above and beyond. Ignore it.

Ditto this... in our pre-k there are kids who don't have bday parties that include school kids (or invite only a few & i'm not aware of it b/c we're not invited), some that invite the whole class & some that invite a small # of kids from class. I will say the one thing that happened to me that I found a little weird was that my kids were clearly on the B list for a party- another parent said something to me like, are you going to so & so's party (like 2 weeks before it) and I was like, no we weren't invited, no big deal (felt bad for the parent who asked though, I'm sure she felt awkward but I really didn't care that we weren't invited, it was at a place that I know is pricey and I am sure they only invited a handful) and then lo & behold on Tuesday before the Saturday party, an invite shows up in our folder. I asked my friend if she had said something to the other mom & she said no, so I think they had too many ppl decline & she invited other kids to fill the spots, but being invited 3 days before the party is kind of strange.

*sparky* · January 2014

OK B list invites is crazy and much more insulting IMO. Because then you know your kid is just "filler".

And to answer OP's question about whether it's too early for a small party I say no way! Do what you are comfortable with, and what you think your DD would enjoy. DS's friends/classmates are all over the place with this - there is no "standard".

Ridgebackmom · January 2014

LoCarb said:

I disagree with the author of the article.

Bring a snack to school and celebrate with the class. In PK, some parents will hire a magician or special entertainer for the class in liu of a party elsewhere. I will continue to host smaller parties with only a few invites from DD's classroom.

OMG this is a really good idea. I can't afford all the kids, plus family and I'm not having 2 parties!

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