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December 2013 Moms
Bgirma
member
Wesley's birth story (warning: loss mentioned)
Bgirma
member
I am a FTM with a due date of 12/27. Between being very sick for the first 2/3 of my pregnancy and issues with the bump mobile, I haven't been an active poster but have been an active lurker for the past 7 months. That being said, I know how you all feel about lurkers and I apologize in advance. I just need to write down my story somewhere so thank you for allowing me to use this space to do that.
I had a difficult first and second trimester- I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum at week 9. I started to feel slightly better around week 25 and was down to only throwing up every other day by week 30. For the most part, my third trimester was when I felt the best. I had lots of energy, felt less nauseous and was sleeping well. For some reason, I never felt Wesley move a lot- he was active first thing in the morning and before bed but rarely throughout the day. I brought this up a few times throughout my pregnancy but his heartbeat was always strong and ultrasounds showed him moving quite a bit so I was only slightly concerned when I didn't feel him much the weekend before my 39 week appointment. I called my doctor and the nurses reassured me that a decrease in movement is pretty common in the third trimester.
On Monday the 23rd, my husband and I went in for our 39 week appointment. Our OB had trouble finding our son's heartbeat so she walked us to the ultrasound machine. An ultrasound confirmed that there was no heartbeat. Watching my husband learn that our son was gone was the worst moment of my life.
Our doctor left us to have some time to ourselves and when she returned she gently told us that I needed to deliver Wesley as soon as possible. I wanted my mom to be there (and she needed to fly in from across the country) so we were allowed to hold off until the next morning.
I was admitted to be induced at 7:30am on Christmas Eve. I was given pitocen and started to feel minor contractions a few hours later. I was given an epidural around 2pm and they broke my water a few hours later, when I reached 4cm dilated. My contractions continued and they gave me medication to help me sleep through the night.
I labored throughout the night and morning- I'm not sure if I was still numb or in shock but it was pretty uneventful labor, I didn't feel much pain or pressure and slept most of the night. I woke up a few times and was really confused, almost disoriented, because I was convinced it was a dream or a movie I was I watching. Sometimes, it still doesn't feel real.
Around 9:15am, the nurses checked me and let me know that it was very close to time to push. I pushed 4 times and our son was born at 9:35am on Christmas Day. He weighed 7 pounds, 3 ounces and was 20.5 inches long. He had a lot of curly black hair and very long little fingers. He was a perfect, beautiful baby boy. We held him after he was born and kept him in our room for the entire day. Saying goodbye to him was difficult and leaving the hospital without him was excruciating.
I've been trying to focus on the positive things. We got to spend Christmas with our little boy. We had incredible care at our hospital- our nurses were so kind and compassionate. My husband was amazing, even though his grief was palpable he was so strong for me during my labor and delivery. My postpartum recovery has been relatively easy, I had one minor tear that was only sore for a few days and minimal bleeding. And most importantly, I got to carry our son for 39 weeks and 4 days. I felt him move, watched him grow and loved him every day. Even though I'm heartbroken that we don't get to watch him grow up, I'm so grateful for the time I did have with him.
So far, each day has been more difficult than the last. I feel guilty that I didn't know something was wrong, that I couldn't keep him safe and healthy inside of my body. I feel responsible for the pain that my husband feels and so empty without a newborn to take care of. Some mornings I wake up confused about why I feel so sad and then I remind myself that I had a baby and he died. During his service, then funeral director talked about sadness and grief being a terrible privilege- we feel those things because we had the privilege of loving him so much. I hold onto that thought during the worst times.
Reading your birth stories and seeing pictures of your little ones has made me smile over the past few weeks. Thank you for that.
I had a difficult first and second trimester- I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum at week 9. I started to feel slightly better around week 25 and was down to only throwing up every other day by week 30. For the most part, my third trimester was when I felt the best. I had lots of energy, felt less nauseous and was sleeping well. For some reason, I never felt Wesley move a lot- he was active first thing in the morning and before bed but rarely throughout the day. I brought this up a few times throughout my pregnancy but his heartbeat was always strong and ultrasounds showed him moving quite a bit so I was only slightly concerned when I didn't feel him much the weekend before my 39 week appointment. I called my doctor and the nurses reassured me that a decrease in movement is pretty common in the third trimester.
On Monday the 23rd, my husband and I went in for our 39 week appointment. Our OB had trouble finding our son's heartbeat so she walked us to the ultrasound machine. An ultrasound confirmed that there was no heartbeat. Watching my husband learn that our son was gone was the worst moment of my life.
Our doctor left us to have some time to ourselves and when she returned she gently told us that I needed to deliver Wesley as soon as possible. I wanted my mom to be there (and she needed to fly in from across the country) so we were allowed to hold off until the next morning.
I was admitted to be induced at 7:30am on Christmas Eve. I was given pitocen and started to feel minor contractions a few hours later. I was given an epidural around 2pm and they broke my water a few hours later, when I reached 4cm dilated. My contractions continued and they gave me medication to help me sleep through the night.
I labored throughout the night and morning- I'm not sure if I was still numb or in shock but it was pretty uneventful labor, I didn't feel much pain or pressure and slept most of the night. I woke up a few times and was really confused, almost disoriented, because I was convinced it was a dream or a movie I was I watching. Sometimes, it still doesn't feel real.
Around 9:15am, the nurses checked me and let me know that it was very close to time to push. I pushed 4 times and our son was born at 9:35am on Christmas Day. He weighed 7 pounds, 3 ounces and was 20.5 inches long. He had a lot of curly black hair and very long little fingers. He was a perfect, beautiful baby boy. We held him after he was born and kept him in our room for the entire day. Saying goodbye to him was difficult and leaving the hospital without him was excruciating.
I've been trying to focus on the positive things. We got to spend Christmas with our little boy. We had incredible care at our hospital- our nurses were so kind and compassionate. My husband was amazing, even though his grief was palpable he was so strong for me during my labor and delivery. My postpartum recovery has been relatively easy, I had one minor tear that was only sore for a few days and minimal bleeding. And most importantly, I got to carry our son for 39 weeks and 4 days. I felt him move, watched him grow and loved him every day. Even though I'm heartbroken that we don't get to watch him grow up, I'm so grateful for the time I did have with him.
So far, each day has been more difficult than the last. I feel guilty that I didn't know something was wrong, that I couldn't keep him safe and healthy inside of my body. I feel responsible for the pain that my husband feels and so empty without a newborn to take care of. Some mornings I wake up confused about why I feel so sad and then I remind myself that I had a baby and he died. During his service, then funeral director talked about sadness and grief being a terrible privilege- we feel those things because we had the privilege of loving him so much. I hold onto that thought during the worst times.
Reading your birth stories and seeing pictures of your little ones has made me smile over the past few weeks. Thank you for that.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Wesley's birth story (warning: loss mentioned)
Dream celeb baby daddy- Prince Harry
I am writing this to you now a year later from that experiance with a baby. When I look at him I know I love him but sometimes I wonder what she would have been like. Who she would have resembled, how would she have liked to been held. And sometimes I cry. My husband always tells me that God needed another angel and that is where our little girl is and that one day we will meet her. I will pray for you and your family. Hope this helps a little.
Sorry for grammar mistakes. Get emotional writing this.
Me: 31 | DH: 33
DS1: 12.23.13 | DS2: 05.06.16
BFP: 06.30.19 | EDD: 3.9.20
TTC3: 11.18
BFP: 02.05.19
CP: 03.07.19
*really traumatic recovery*