Guardians/ living wills STM help

Mamamonzo · January 2014

Ok so I'm going to be a Debbie downer. DH and I were discussing the fact we need to get a living will in order to at least take care of medical power of attorney. Not sure who legally can make the decision to pull the plug... Is it always husband or wife if nothing is written out or do parents still have that power? Then we got to talking about who the baby would go to if something happened to both of us. He said obviously one of our moms. I don't want to burden them with raising a child especially if they are older when something happened to us. how do you choose between the moms? How did you all make the decision? Did you talk about it with all the people you were considering? What factors came into play?

rtv3 · January 2014

Thank you for posting this - I was just thinking about the fact that we need to make a will. I have no idea where to start either, though!

Bluebird2318 · January 2014

We are master slackers and still do not have any sort of will in place.

homediva · January 2014

OMG. We were just talking about this today. Still haven't done it, mostly because I feel like it's between our parents since he has no siblings and mine are all way too young. I don't know how to choose.

Dixon813 · January 2014

We don't have a will in place...though have been talking about it for awhile. We are listed in my brother and SIL's will - we will raise our niece if something were to happen to both of them.

Honestly, I hate thinking about stuff like this, but know that I should/need to...

richiel · January 2014

I have thought about this as well. My challenge comes with having 3 boys with my first husband (we get along pretty well). If something where to happen to just me would DH still have rights to see and be with the boys? He loves those boys as his own and it would kill him if he couldn't have any contact. (I don't think it would get to that point, but you just don't know) Also now that we are having one together would all the kids get to see each other if something happened to both of us. This is all very overwhelming to think about and can all get very complicated. I really think in my case I would have to have an attorney write it up because of all those factors.

AcaAwkward · January 2014

As KCP stated, laws will vary state to state -- when there are children and assets to care for, these documents are best left to an attorney.

At this stage in our lives, my parents would get DD and this LO if we were both to die. Their belief system and parenting philosophy are more in line with ours and we know they'd raise them in a way that would make us proud. I shudder to think about my MIL getting her hands on my kids permanently (I don't wholly dislike the woman or anything but we are SO different and so many of her beliefs are ass-backwards). As time passes, we will discuss choosing someone else as legal guardian if we feel saddling my parents with 2 kids would be a big burden due to aging. I have no clue who we'd choose at this point -- I'm an only child and my SIL and DH aren't especially close and I'm not sure her lifestyle will ever be one that I would want supporting my kids (again, not a bad person - I like her a lot actually - but just SO different). Hopefully if we need to make that change, there will be a clear choice in a close friend.

Things I definitely consider when choosing a guardian...similar value / belief system (or religion if that's super important to you), proximity to family (ideally, I'd want my kids to be raised in TX since all our family is here), the guardians' resources (depending on how much you'll be able to leave to your children), obviously the willingness of the potential guardian.

katieb7413 · January 2014

I agree with what @acaawkward said in choosing a guardian. The only thing I would add is choosing a guardian that will go the extra mile to maintain every relationship that the child has and surround them with all those people that know you. It is very hard work. I am also very verbal about this to my sister who would raise our child.

My daughters father passed when she was 7 and I wasn't super close to his family. When he passed I made it my #1 priority to nurture that relationship. I made sure she was there every holiday, birthday, event etc. I eventually became an extended part of their family and treat my husband the same way.

My daughter has few memories of her dad. I have memories that I share, but his family has great stories, his friends...even better now that she is old enough to hear them, and even his ex girlfriend.

If something terrible were to happen to me, I would desperately want for for my child to know us as much as possible. The more people that knew US, that remain in our child's life, the better our child will feel he knows/remembers us. My daughter's face completely lights up when she hears stories of her Dad and she is now 18.

Ugh this is not fun to think about

joyfullyfound · January 2014

It's a hard call for everyone... the reality is, there's no one perfect enough to entrust your kids to, you know? Even trusted family members.

For us, the decision was easy. Our options are: DH's parents, my parents, DH's sister and her husband, or my 19 year old brother.

DH's sister and husband was the obvious choice... they're the right age, established in great paying jobs, will be starting a family soon too, and have very similar beliefs and values to DH and I. Once we decided they were our top choice, we had them over for dinner and asked formally if they'd be interested (even though we already knew their answer would be a resounding "YES!").

Our stand by in our will is my parents... They're younger than DH's and even though both sets of grandparents love DD equally, my parents are more into doing interesting stuff with her, getting down and dirty, getting outdoors, etc, whereas DH's parents will just sit on a couch with her.

Luckily, all our family live close together, so if DH and I were both killed, DD would live with her aunt and uncle, and have both sets of grandparents, her other uncle, and all our family friends within 30 minutes of her. I find that really comforting.

snmetz7 · January 2014

As far as pulling the plug that *may* depend on where you are. I know here in Texas it will always be spouse if nothing is written down.
We are having a hard time thinking of a gardian for if something happens to both of us. We have three sets of parents but don't want to use any of them. His parents are much older and would not be able to raise a child at this stage in their lives, my mom I married to a man I would never want my daughter alone with, and my dad and his wife are very Muslim and I don't want my child growing up in that environment. We both have brothers in their 20s but they would be too immature at this point to be a father figure. I'm leaning towards my best friend but hubs isn't thrilled about the idea. I know she would make a food mom and take that extra step to make sure our baby would stop be part of her grandparents lives. Sigh so much to think about.

scarles · January 2014

There are online services that you can use for a living will. I haven't done it, but I have looked into a little. I work for a large company and they offer assistance with completing the will

MrsEmilyS · January 2014

We had a family friend refer us to a lawyer who does this type of thing. We went to the meeting knowing my brother and sis-in-law would be the guardian. I called and asked my brother and had him think it over first. We paid the lawyer around $350 and he filed papers for a will, a living will, medical power of attorney for both of us and I think that was it.

My main concern was guardianship and since we don't have much money or many things the will was very straight forward. In my opinion it was well worth it.

ksulli · January 2014

We went to a family friend who is a lawyer a little after dd was born, and finally are setting up life insurance (DH is covered, we're working through my medical stuff). If one of us goes, everything goes to the other one.

If we both pass, my older sister gets the kids (and her H assuming they are together, but legally they are only hers- we have a lot of life insurance, and, as long as we're going down the worse-case-scenario, if they split, he could fight to get our kids in the interest of the $), and dh's brother becomes the trust executor. This way both famines stay involved. My younger sister travels too much (and lives in Africa this year) to provide a stable home, and dh's brother is still single so asking him to take on single parenthood seems like too much. Currently either sets of our parents would be capable, but they are all in their 60s and we wouldn't want the kids to have to lose us and then start looking after their replacement parents when they're only 20, or worse, lose them young too.

we did talk to everybody about their spot (or lack thereof) in the will. With my sister I told her to really think about it and talk to her H, because as much as it's a simple 'yes' at face value, it's a lot to consider and they would need to make major life changes.

Tferr02 · January 2014

We just did this, my sister will get our kids. She's single but in her mid 30s and very settled in life. She's also a teacher, so good hours for kids. My family all lives within 2 miles of her so she would have lots of support. It was between her or my dh brother, but we felt that she would travel more with our kids and that's important to us. My dad is a CPA, so we made him the executor. We have no money now, but both of our life insurance policies are quite large so I trust him to do the best with it

*sparky* · January 2014

We set up wills, POA, medical directives, and trusts shortly after DS was born. Definitely meet with an attorney for this in order to execute everything properly. DH and I both have POA for each other.

For the guardian we chose SIL because she was very close to DS at the time. However, as time goes by she sees DS less and less and I realize that making him relocate to her state if something happened would just make things that much harder on him. But it is a point that DH and I do not agree on, because our only option is to choose my dad, who is local and spends tons of time with DS, but he is also almost 70. So DH does not really agree with him as an option either. But, either of those are preferable to our child becoming a ward of the state if something happens to us so we have left it alone.

If we pass, DS stands to inherit quite a bit of money, so that was why we set up a trust. My dad is the trustee since SIL is the guardian. DS has full access to the trust once he turns 30. With the second LO coming, I believe we set up our wills so that assets are automatically split evenly among siblings but we definitely need to look at it again.

momofmanyinthemitten · January 2014

We still haven't done this and DD is now 3. However, we've made our decision about guardianship. We feel that DH's parents are too old to take on 3 kids (70s) and my mom would be great, but she has a friend who is raising her 2 grandkids and we've seen the toll taken on her. Soooo, we chose DH's sister. She's the only sibling of ours (among 5 of them) that DD doesn't need time to warm up to, is financially stable, and is older (43), but young enough to handle the chaos of young children.

baileymama3 · January 2014

celticlullaby said:

@katieb7413 - You just made me cry. I can't imagine how hard that had to be, but you did a wonderful thing making sure your daughter stayed so connected to her father's family.

me too

so wonderful for the effort!!! way to go mama!

AEisens · January 2014

Free advice from an attorney:

Most hospitals in the US offer patients the option of making a living will/health care directive once you get there. It is often suggested for those having surgery, etcetera. I bet you could ask the hospital you are planning to deliver at if you could stop by and get it done ahead of time and they would help you. They usually have a standard form where you check the boxes you want and write in names. I'm sure the hispital's attorneys review these for state laws annually so I have little concern with this route. And it's FREE!

Skip the online "create your own will" services because they are unreliable. Instead, talk to friends and family and find an attorney that you can afford. In the Midwest, a couple can easily get a will done for less than a thousand dollars. Usually the $400-500 range is average. Have the talk with your SO and friends/family that will have a part in your will before you meet with the attorney to avoid having to take up more if their time (and them charging you for it).

Every adult should have a will, power of attorney, and health care directive. Even if you don't think you have much to offer to your hiers, you never know! You could be killed in a tragic accident where there is a large insurance settlement that would be awarded according to your will.

Also, if you are having a baby, you MUST have life insurance. Get it through work (usually the lowest cost) or talk to a financial advisor to see what you can afford. You don't want to leave a financial burden of caring for your children on someone else.

Off my soapbox. Have a good Saturday everyone!

teenybND · January 2014

kcp913 said:
I think it all depends on state law, but I do believe that generally the medical power of attorney goes to the spouse. I would advise going and talking to an attorney and don't be surprised if it runs to about $2,500 for wills, living wills and powers of attorney for each of you. This is something that can vary greatly from state to state and you do not simply want to take a form off of a website, because those are not necessarily correct or may be according to older rules.
I would also make sure that you let whomever will act as guardian in the even both you and DH are in an accident know that they are the back up power of attorney/medical power of attorney, guardian, so they are aware and not taken by surprise about this. (Can you tell I work in a law firm?)

THIS ALL OF IT

We did ours last year. A few small things to add:

Make sure your finances channel in some way to the guardian to support the increased expense of raising your child.

Check your documents once a year to make sure they still match your views and vision.

Keep in mind that it is really YOU who decides your medical care and preferences. The medical POA merely acts as your representative to ensure your wishes are carried out (and to interpret gray areas of decisions in the moment).

LEIGHLOVE09 · January 2014

We had a lawyer draft up everything we need after DD arrived. We did power of attorney, estate planning and guardianship for kids. We chose to have my sister and BIL take the kids if something were to happen to both of us. We thought that our parents would be too old to raise another little one if the time came. We also set up life insurance policies for both of us ($1m each) so that our kids were well taken care of (college, trust funds) and that the cost of raising 2 additional kids was not burdensome to my sister and BIL. We have someone else (DH's bestfriend) who is in the field as our estate planner so he would be doing the investing and handling the money and he knows that whatever my sister needs she gets if that means money for a new car to hold more people, family vacations, monthly expenses ect. Hope this helps!

Linnea503 · January 2014

Our boys would go to my husband's sister and her husband. Although we don't see them often at all because they live 3500 miles away, they were the only people in our families we were comfortable with. DHs parents might do alright, but the age factor bothered me--they get our dog instead.

My father would administer a trust for the boys that SIL could draw from for any expense related to the boys, including needing a bigger house, etc. They could use the money for college and would get any residual in their early twenties after obtaining a degree of some kind. With all our assets and life insurance combined they would be getting a seven figure inheritance so our lawyers advised the trust situation.

Our lawyers advised us to name contingent guardians too and our closest friends agreed. They are like family and have two boys as well.

It was and is still hard to accept this is the best arrangement because nothing is perfect but it's the best we could figure out.

sweetpeace13 · January 2014

We chose DH's sister and her husband. They have four kids but the youngest is 14 and they could financially take on 2 kids if need be. We haven't put it in writing but we have talked to them and communicated this to our parents

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