Tell the parents?

lellymine · December 2013

My niece just turned 16 and is troubled, that's putting it nicely. She's been dating this total loser (19 yrs old) and keeps trying ways to be able to go live with him. She thinks they're in love and wants to marry him, it's a mess. Anyways, I follow her on ig and we're fb friends and recently she's been talking a lot about how she wants to get pregnant and have his little babies running around. I'm genuinely concerned that she's trying to get pregnant so she has a stronger case to marry him.

I'm not sure if I should say something to her mom though. Their relationship is really fractured right now, she's living with her dad currently, and I know telling her about this will cause a huge blow up between the two of them and probably push her more towards the boyfriend. On the other hand, I'd be really upset if someone didn't give me a heads up if they thought my child was heading down a dangerous path. What would you do?

SarahSmile01 · December 2013

That's a tough one. I think I would feel the need to say something in the hopes that the mother could find a non threatening way of approaching the situation. I really don't know. But I'm certain if it was my child, I'd want to know. Good luck!

ahastin1 · December 2013

This might depend on your relationship with the mother. If you're close, it might be okay but if you're less so, it might be seen as intruding and be met with defensiveness. Also, what is your relationship with your niece? Sometimes hearing things from someone other than a mother can make a teenager take messages like this more seriously. Also, I would want her mom to be aware of this convo ahead of time just in case.

Laddiedahl · December 2013

How's the fathers relationship with his daughter? Can you tell him and he can relay the message to her mother? Can you talk to your niece maybe take her out on "dates" and be there for her. It sounds to me that she desperately wants to be excepted and loved. I personally would try to connect with your niece and talk to her first.

lellymine · December 2013

ahastin1 said:
This might depend on your relationship with the mother. If you're close, it might be okay but if you're less so, it might be seen as intruding and be met with defensiveness. Also, what is your relationship with your niece? Sometimes hearing things from someone other than a mother can make a teenager take messages like this more seriously. Also, I would want her mom to be aware of this convo ahead of time just in case.

I'm not super close to her mom just on good terms. I used to be closer to my niece but she's pushed the entire family away. Her recent attempt to go live with the bf was filing a police report saying her stepfather and our other BIL raped her. It was a big police investigation and it came out she had lied but DH said she wasn't welcome in our house anymore because he didn't want to run the risk of her making accusations against him. So I haven't seen her in person for at least a month.

lellymine · December 2013

Laddiedahl said:
How's the fathers relationship with his daughter? Can you tell him and he can relay the message to her mother? Can you talk to your niece maybe take her out on "dates" and be there for her. It sounds to me that she desperately wants to be excepted and loved. I personally would try to connect with your niece and talk to her first.

It's not good. Her stepfather insisted that she can't stay in his home anymore because of the accusations so she had to go live with her biological father. He's dying of cancer so she just runs wild. Seriously, this whole thing with her is so crazy but you just can't make it up.

almendarez · December 2013

Tell her that if he wanted to marry her he would ask her. Getting pregnant is never the answer. If anything it might break them up and then she is stuck raising his kid. Poor kid...

BTW, isn't 19 + 16 year old illegal? How did he not get in trouble after she got the cops involved?

Honestly, there is probably nothing you can do to help the situation.. teenagers will do what they want to do.. but maybe you should give the mom a heads up. I would be surprised if the mom didn't already know what her daughter was getting herself into...

elsa1688 · December 2013

lellymine said:

ahastin1 said:
This might depend on your relationship with the mother. If you're close, it might be okay but if you're less so, it might be seen as intruding and be met with defensiveness. Also, what is your relationship with your niece? Sometimes hearing things from someone other than a mother can make a teenager take messages like this more seriously. Also, I would want her mom to be aware of this convo ahead of time just in case.
I'm not super close to her mom just on good terms. I used to be closer to my niece but she's pushed the entire family away. Her recent attempt to go live with the bf was filing a police report saying her stepfather and our other BIL raped her. It was a big police investigation and it came out she had lied but DH said she wasn't welcome in our house anymore because he didn't want to run the risk of her making accusations against him. So I haven't seen her in person for at least a month.

Damnnn. Good for your DH, that sounds really smart. I would try and talk to your niece, maybe take her to coffee and say you are worried about her. If she is being so crazy though, I'm not sure there is much you can say to change things.

kittenslove · December 2013

Can you contact her school? We have trained counselors who deal with relationships, sex, and even child rearing with our students. They don't know who recommended them for the intervention, just that they were recommended to sit and meet with the counselor.

Also, I am very much about letting the parents know. If their relationship is strained, this could make it worse, but I believe that parents are the first line of reason with kids. I know you said you aren't super close, and this might make things awkward, but if this was my client, I would recommend they attend family therapy, or even separate therapy for your niece and her mom. This has to be hard on the mom, and therapy can help bring perspective and coping strategies. Honestly, I think your niece needs it in any case, accusing people of rape is a cry for help. She has problems that need to be dealt with, especially if she is trying to bring a little person into the world who would be dependent on her.

chaysefaith · December 2013

Somebody needs to say something to her, that's for sure. I think given the situation you might be the best person. You're not her parents so she may take what you say more seriously than if it came from her parents.

It kills me when I see young girls getting pregnant by the "love of their life." I was 17 and pregnant by Mr. Right. Yeah, too bad that only lasted a year after she was born. At such a young age people change and grow apart so easily. And it makes life SO hard without a college education. And having babies with him isn't going to make him stick around forever!!

Please be the voice of reason for this girl. She is clearly lacking direction and needs some guidance, but I don't think it will come easy from her parents.

lellymine · December 2013

She's definitely crying out for help but she won't accept any help from the family. It's so frustrating watching her slowly ruining her life. She has so much to offer the world and she's just throwing it away!

roundthree24 · December 2013

I think it would be a good idea for you to say something to her directly. It honestly could do no harm, and might get through to her better than hearing it from her parents.

AbigailRebecca0711 · January 2014

lellymine said:
My niece just turned 16 and is troubled, that's putting it nicely. She's been dating this total loser (19 yrs old) and keeps trying ways to be able to go live with him. She thinks they're in love and wants to marry him, it's a mess. Anyways, I follow her on ig and we're fb friends and recently she's been talking a lot about how she wants to get pregnant and have his little babies running around. I'm genuinely concerned that she's trying to get pregnant so she has a stronger case to marry him.

I'm not sure if I should say something to her mom though. Their relationship is really fractured right now, she's living with her dad currently, and I know telling her about this will cause a huge blow up between the two of them and probably push her more towards the boyfriend. On the other hand, I'd be really upset if someone didn't give me a heads up if they thought my child was heading down a dangerous path. What would you do?

I'm 18 and due to circumstance I will be having my first baby in June- however it wasn't long ago that I was in a "messy" nasty relationship ,which lasted 4 years, and actually she may not really want a baby but as you point out it's a pulling tool, from the sounds of it she is more in love with him then he is with her. However take it from me the more you push against her the more she will run to him and his family.
My relationship was not only destructive but it was abuseive and the only reason I wanted the same things , as the daughter is because I thought it would make him love me more and maybe it would iron things out so they weren't so bad and maybe the abuse would stop. My parents were pushing me and it made me put up barriers so I didn't want to talk to them, less then a year later I was living in a hostle because my relationship with them was so bad.
I know I'm rambling but my point is speak to the dad, however do it with caution. It looks like she is heading down a messy path but it sounds like the boyfriend isn't the lovely supportive guy he should be. Maybe the dad can try sitting down with then both and coming to an arrangement ? It's important to treat them both like adults in this or it will make the situation worse . Hope all is resolved soon xxx

LindsayDesigner · January 2014

almendarez said:
BTW, isn't 19 + 16 year old illegal? How did he not get in trouble after she got the cops involved?

Yes, it's called statutory rape. The 16 year old most likely didn't volunteer that information.

OP, I think you should tell somebody, it sounds like she is on a difficult path that she doesn't need to be on.

elsa1688 · January 2014

LindsayDesigner said:

almendarez said:
BTW, isn't 19 + 16 year old illegal? How did he not get in trouble after she got the cops involved?
Yes, it's called statutory rape. The 16 year old most likely didn't volunteer that information.

OP, I think you should tell somebody, it sounds like she is on a difficult path that she doesn't need to be on.

It actually depends on the state. In Washington state, the age of consent is 16.

ahastin1 · January 2014

lellymine said:

She's definitely crying out for help but she won't accept any help from the family. It's so frustrating watching her slowly ruining her life. She has so much to offer the world and she's just throwing it away!

Referral for outside counseling might be the way to go then - as a PP suggested, they do have these resources at her school in all likelihood or they have community counseling as well. But it sounds like she needs and outside adult to bounce her dreams/ideas off of and receive a feedback of reality. Hearing it from parents often just isn't going to cut it. Again, though, this is something that is somewhat out of your control - you can't exactly refer for counseling as you are not a legal guardian. The parents would have to be open to this idea and actually follow up. Then there's the concern that she may not be willing to open up in counseling, especially at first. But if she's looking for attention it might be something that works for her.

MrsCase1 · January 2014

I think that unequivocally, you should tell the mother. Better the mother has a chance to do something and fails, then nobody tries to intervene. It is nice to be friends with kids, but at the end of the day they need parents. I always say, "I will keep any secret until someone is in danger."

TrueMyth · January 2014

She really needs counciling, and I'm surprised it wasn't an outcome of her case. I think taking her out to lunch and a movie and having an honest talk with her would be good. I wonder it she is growing closer to the guys family too or if he is on his own. If his parents or siblings are around and care about her, they might also have a talk with her.

Poor kid. I hope she gets her head on straight.

lellymine · January 2014

TrueMyth said:
She really needs counciling, and I'm surprised it wasn't an outcome of her case. I think taking her out to lunch and a movie and having an honest talk with her would be good. I wonder it she is growing closer to the guys family too or if he is on his own. If his parents or siblings are around and care about her, they might also have a talk with her.

Poor kid. I hope she gets her head on straight.

She has a case worker now who I think doubles as her therapist. It was part of the conditions when they found she made a false police report. I know she hates her though because she had her committed to juvenile lockup when my niece threatened suicide the last time she was told she couldn't live with the bf. So I don't think the case worker would get very far with her. It is such a terrible mess. I did get in contact with my niece earlier and we're going out to lunch tomorrow. Maybe I'll tell her how hard morning sickness has been and how much it sucks knowing that I'll have to give up my social life for a while after the baby. Anything to make her to see that getting pregnant now will derail her life at least for a good few years, if not permanently.

nunzchucks · January 2014

Good luck @lellymine!

EmbracingChange · January 2014

Sounds a lot like some of the girls I encountered in foster care

I have no advice, just well wishes. Seems like she's headed down a rough path.

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