a resolution??

lindsebert · December 2013

I was having a conversation earlier today with a close friend. She gave me some advice, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to go down that path. I just need some feedback, suggestions, thoughts, anything really from ladies who know from experience what I'm going through.

So while talking with a friend of mine earlier today, she asked me how the holidays went. I was blunt with her. I explained how emotionally exhausting it is thinking about how things were going to be, grieving my losses, answering the "when's it your turn" questions, wishing, crying, and everything else that goes into holidays AL. She suggested to me that I make a resolution this year to stop the "should have been's" and focus on the "what could be's". Like instead of me talking about about how I should have a baby with another on the way, I should be thinking/talking about what could come in 2014. She thinks it will help me be happier and more positive. After I explained all of this to DH, he thinks it's healthy for me to have those thoughts, to be real with myself and not bury my emotions. He's afraid I won't grieve the way my body/heart want me to if I hide those thoughts and conversations.

So my question it to all of you, what do you think? Do you still have the "should have been" conversations or do you try to steer clear of them? I know it's ultimately up to me, but what do you personally do?

luciddreamer106 · December 2013

I still find myself thinking about the "should/would have beens," but I'm trying to steer away from that. I think that dwelling on what would have been makes everything a little bit harder, especially around the holidays. When those types of thoughts enter my mind, I think about it for a minute, grieve, and then try to move forward with more positive thinking.

There's nothing wrong with thinking about it and you shouldn't try to bury those emotions. For me, I find that recognizing the thought and then moving forward really helps.

Awhile ago, someone posted some links to online guided meditation and I listened to a little sampling. I can't remember what website it was now. This isn't exactly what you were asking about, but the part I took away from it is that it's good to be "mindful" of your emotions. Allowing them to enter your thoughts, recognizing them, and then letting them go is better than just trying to shut everything out.

lindsebert · December 2013

@wickedsugar - That does make sense actually. I do get what you and @hawkward both are trying to say. Living day by day is something of which I need to do a better job.

And @luciddreamer106, I really like the idea of being "mindful" of my emotions, but then letting them go.

Overall, as we all know, the holidays just suck. I keep telling myself 2014 has got to be better. But like what Wicked was saying, what if it's not. I don't want to set myself up for failure, but I'm not ready to give up hope yet either. I could keep rambling all night about this, but thanks for the input ladies. It all really makes a lot of sense to me.

uneek1323 · December 2013

I've found, for me at least. that it's more harmful to think of about hope for the future than to think about what could have been. My advice? This road fucking sucks and you need to do whatever it is that will help you survive and get through each day. Friends have all kinds of advice but the bottom line is no one knows how you feel or what you need, but you.

jap618 · December 2013

I find it hard to not think about what could have been because of friends that had children due within weeks of my EDD(s). I try not to dwell on it but I also allow myself to grieve it when I need to. There is nothing easy or normal or typical about this process. Anyone that hasn't been through this doesn't understand it and even those that have been through it don't grieve the same way. I personally like the "take care of yourself" advice because only you know what is best for you ((hugs))

lindsebert · December 2013

Thanks again ladies. I know there is no right answer, or right way to do any of this. It's helpful just to hear input from other ladies that actually know the emotions that go along with it. ((Hugs)) back to all of you.

jenkellen · December 2013

This is tough. I can't tell you what to do because you and your husband know what is best for your situation, but I can tell you what I do.

I take Wicked's approach. There are too many "what ifs" in my life besides TTCAL that it just would be too overwhelming for me. Instead I've been focusing on the good things I have in this moment. I want to get back to the happier version of myself. I am guessing that is what your friend means, to think about more positive thoughts. But I think (for me) planning the future leaves so much room for disappointment if things don't work out. I know I will have good days and bad days. I'll allow myself to have bad days, but I don't want them to consume my life.

If you have a follow up conversation with your friend about this I'd be curious to hear about it. (((Hugs)))

KMW08 · December 2013

I don't agree with the what could be's, I def don't live that way -- except that deep down I do truly know there are a lot of things that could be worse. It doesn't make my grief any easier, but I do believe that.

For me & my way of thinking should of and could be, aren't much different. One's in the past (grief) & one's in the future (potential false hope). Neither are realistically helpful imo.

I say that I have hope but no confidence. Dh gets on to me for being negative, but I try to explain it's more of a realistic approach. I'm only going off of the truth & facts I've been handed so far, denying my grief and being extra positive is setting myself up for unrealistic dreams at this point. Hope that makes sense to you.

Taking care of yourself is the most important & you gotta do what works for you and what you're comfortable doing.

gscoville · December 2013

I'm not really sure what my approach is, but I think it's a bit of Wicked's day by day plus focusing on positives, really trying not to dwell when I start gnawing at the 'what if' or 'should have' thoughts. Hubby and I love to travel and we would really like to go back to England again, but know it would likely be many years before we could go if I actually do get KU, so I make a conscious effort to switch to trip planning whenever the negatives threaten to become more than fleeting - I imagine the places we might go to this time around, hit the internet to research things, add to a growing itinerary wishlist. Basically, I make plans for a trip we will only make if we remain unsuccessful at TTC. We may or may not ever go on this trip, but it's a positive and exciting to plan and look forward to instead of miring down in what we don't have. Like others have said, no one person's way of dealing with things will likely be a perfect fit for another, but at least perhaps you can take some helpful tidbits from all of us sharing our coping tactics.

jbasore1123 · December 2013

Like @gscoville, I mix a little of the positives, plus avoid the "shoulds". The shoulds just break my heart. I have tried changing it to "would haves" but even that can get me down sometimes.

lindsebert · December 2013

I'm so sorry this even has to be a conversation for us. I truly thank you all for your input. I can't describe what this board means to me, and hearing a POV from some one who's "been there" is invaluable. I think I'm going to start focusing on looking at the good in what I have, and take things a day at a time. It's going to be a hard transition, but I think you girls are right about it being the most helpful.

And @gscoville - I may just start planning an itinerary for a some day vacation. I like that idea.

buggirl72 · December 2013

I try to avoid the "should have been" mindset because I find that when I consciously think about how old Zachary should be, it just makes me sad. Sometimes they pop up and I take that moment to recognize it and to grieve it, but I also remind myself that this is my present and I can't go back and change what happened.

One of the biggest things I try to do is to be thankful for what I have at the moment. I remember in April 2012 coming to absolute peace with my life, with my IF diagnosis, and with being CFNB and the future that comes with that. DH and I even made a ten year plan on where we wanted to be and what we wanted to do. Because I came to peace once, I believe it can happen again. I also know it took me eight years to get there the first time and it may take me longer this time. Or it may take less. Who knows?

Now, I don't look that far in the future. I'm not sure if I would say it is a day by day thing so much as looking forward to things that I can control. DH and I have traveling that we want to do and a house to buy in the next year or two. Our plans are based on exactly where we are at this moment.

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