Rude comments and how they should be handled need advice

ddmmt9 · December 2013

Hello everyone,

I am now 7 weeks and 4days pregnant I found out right before Christmas. I told my family on christmas in a sweet little poem but they were not happy about it. Now I'm 25 years old have a very good job and my own home. I depend on no one. I also have my fiance which we will be getting married within the next year or so. This is my second child with my fiance so my dad was all like you need to be married before you start having all these babies. As if hes paying any of my bills. My mom was lost for words just didnt say anything but wasn't happy either. But my grandma was the worst. She told my fiance he needed to get a job!! Hes a SAHD. And he does a damn good job at it so how dare her tell him what he needs to do. Then today she had the nerve to ask me had I seen my period yet!!! WHAT! I'm almost 8 weeks pregnant why in the hell would I see my period!?!?!? Is she asking have I started to miscarry yet? LIke I was so blown away and I have a feeling these rude comments wont stop. Any suggestions how I should Handle Grandma and any other negative comments from my family. I got no congrats no happy none of that saying of my joy and excitement. at this point I just want to cut them all out of my life and life happily ever after with my children without them.

erbear · December 2013

Ignore and cut out for a bit. They sound like not a great support system.

AmericanInOz · December 2013

yea I agree I would just ignore them until they start acting like adults

ddmmt9 · December 2013

WhoCanItBeNow said:

I'm guessing there is way more to the story than what you put there.

Of course I could go on and on but I just cut to the point and the general idea.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

MrsSparklebottom said:

In general people are happy about a pregnancy unless given a reason not to be. I'm with @whocanitbenow. There's a lot you forgot to mention.

even if that was the case how is being rude to me and saying things like that helping me or making me a better person. I could understand if I was some hood girl with 5 kids and 5 different baby daddys living in my mamas basement on welfare with no education. But I take care of mine and do a damn good job of it. so unless they are going to start paying my bills what right do they have to talk to me that way. And yes i'm very defensive who wouldn't be. And trust me there is never a "legit" reason to talk to someone with no respect and rain on their shine ever. you sound kind of ignorant yourself. what if your granmother talk to you that way what would you do.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

WhoCanItBeNow said:

Nice of you to be racist.

I'm taking your family's side for the time being.

I never said one word about race not one.

firefliesandfjords · December 2013

"I could understand if I was some hood girl with 5 kids and 5 different baby daddys living in my mamas basement on welfare with no education." <--- I think this is what @WhoCanItBeNow is referring to. Maybe you didn't intend it, but it comes off as stereotyping, at best.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

WhoCanItBeNow so what do you suggest? Abortion? Leave my BF? Sit and just take the ride comments? Please enlightment since you :on their side" Tell me what you suggest from thir point of view.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

vikingmom806 said:

I could understand if I was some hood girl with 5 kids and 5 different baby daddys living in my mamas basement on welfare with no education. ^^^ I think this is what @WhoCanItBeNow is referring to.

I know women in this situation of all different races. So it was actually racist to assume I was being racist. You can be like this and be any skin color. I know women who do this just for sport. good thing im not like that.

WashingtonQueen · December 2013

X_X

firefliesandfjords · December 2013

Generally, there is a specific group of people the term "hood" tends to refer to... I agree, that you seem defensive.

I'm sure you're under a lot of stress and having a poor support system from family never makes things easier, no matter what their reasons are. I hope they come around and things get better. Edit: Not a fan of the term "race". Anthropology class got to me.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

@redheadbaker your right. instead of me trying to avoid being rude right back I should just be straight and get to the bottom of it. Great suggestion. I just always thought that may lead to an even bigger problem maybe even an argument but at this point thats the best thing.

normandyn7 · December 2013

Well your dad made the comment about being married before having babies. Maybe they don't agree that you are going to have 2 babies out of wed lock. Even if it is with the same guy. From what you said that is my take on it. Grandma could be old fashioned like that. I got pregnant a month after DH and I got married and my dad said "Well at least you were married!" So I am assuming he wouldn't have been too happy if I had a baby out of wed lock.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

@whocanitbenow my attitude is due to the fact that im nauseous and tired and despite all the hard work I do to make everyone in the family happy going out of my way to do everything for every body this is the response I get. I don't understand why I get rudeness and sad faces for my miracle thats happening. Its just funny to me how I can be taught from these very people. If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. But they don't practice what they preech

ddmmt9 · December 2013

@mrssparklebottom that comment was not meant for you. it was for @Whocanitbenow sorries. But what they don't approve of is exactly what I don't understand. My mom and dad just preached to me about how should be with my BF and how they are glad we are making it work and how much they like him blah blah blah. It's like they turned in an instant. I don't disagree that we should be married but thats coming its all in the plan. I just don't get it.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

@whocanitbenow there is really no "sides" to jump on. And yes I can spell. Just don't be all on on my best punctuation and talking all good while on a forum of my peers so excuse me. All im saying is there is a certain way that you should talk to a person, point blank. now im not saying not to feel the way they feel. I have no control over that. All im saying is there is a way you talk to someone about your feelings where its not rude and snobby. Thats what I was looking for. A way to address the problem where I don't come off all bitchy because i feel pretty bitchy because of they way i was treated. And you only have one side of the story but im telling you what i know because what ever they are feeling they have only come out and said things through rude comments. So I can't guess what they are feeling or their side with out even knowing myself. I think the PP said it best. Ill just have to ask them whats the problem and that's the best thing.

And being rude to someone making them feel bad about themselves is no way to show that you "give a fuck" in your terms. Just saying there is a way you do everything didnt think this was the best way for them to do it

rowanthefrog · December 2013

beachbum4304 · December 2013

Not everyone is going to approve of everything you do in life. You can let it get to you or ignore it. Maybe your dad wants to see your bf make a commitment to you before you have more children with him. I agree with pp about there being more to the story. You also mentioned something about the two of you making it work. Seems like there is a rocky history. Maybe your parents don't want to see innocent children get caught in the middle of a rocky relationship.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

There is a lot more to our story we have been together for years so it goes on and on. And everyone has their opinion but in the end this is where we're at. A commitment is no issue I totally agree with my dad just dont agree with how he said it. Not to mention he got married two days before i was born so its important to him were married. And what relationship isnt rocky. My parents have been together for 25 years and their relationship is rocky. So it happens. I just wish they would address me better. Talk to me about it. Make suggestions instead of being rude. The thing is no mater what anyone says or thinks this baby is coming. So why not embrace it. Because no matter what they say its not changing. that fact. So way make me feel bad and push me away in the process.

AndreaKae27 · December 2013

ddmmt9 said:

MrsSparklebottom said:

In general people are happy about a pregnancy unless given a reason not to be. I'm with @whocanitbenow. There's a lot you forgot to mention.

even if that was the case how is being rude to me and saying things like that helping me or making me a better person. I could understand if I was some hood girl with 5 kids and 5 different baby daddys living in my mamas basement on welfare with no education. But I take care of mine and do a damn good job of it. so unless they are going to start paying my bills what right do they have to talk to me that way. And yes i'm very defensive who wouldn't be. And trust me there is never a "legit" reason to talk to someone with no respect and rain on their shine ever. you sound kind of ignorant yourself. what if your granmother talk to you that way what would you do.

Hey now I live in my mamas basement..... for the time being.

biglewzer · December 2013

I'm curious what your boyfriend did before he was a SAHD.

Would you rather your family be nice to your face and then bash and talk about you behind your back? Honestly, I'd prefer they be honest about their feelings with me. I like to know where I stand with people.

In our family, pregnancies aren't always joyous occasions. Once the babies are born, they're always adored, but the pregnancies aren't initially celebrated. It takes a while to let it sink in and then celebrate.

fluffball80 · December 2013

My family is going to react bad when I tell them I am pregnant because I know they won't be happy. They aren't happy with the choices that I am making or made. When I had my first 10 years ago it bothered me. I got pregnant with my daughter out of wedlock and in my family you don't do that. I ended up rushing into getting married to my daughter's father and spent the whole marriage being miserable because we are great friends and dating just not a great married couple. Now I don't really care. Its not their life and right now I am happy with what I am doing. I have had to tell my family more than once that its my life and not theirs. I think as I have gotten older I have come to realize that I love my family but our views on life and how we should lead them are different. I am okay with that and I don't need their approval or support to be happy.

My advice is whenever they make comments just tell them its your life and you are fine with how it is. Enjoy this pregnancy and your family (your child and SO). Don't let anyone make you feel that you aren't suppose to be happy because your not doing things "the right way".

tealowl · December 2013

FTR - I'm having my 2nd kid with a totally different dad, but if we had to move into my mamas basement for whatever reason, it wouldn't be that bad, she totes has a flat screen down there and a huge shower room. It's a sweeeeet set up.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

Lets get something straight. Living with people rather it be I their basement or what have you there is nothing wrong with that. Just being in the situation makes you more prone to their opinions because you are in their house. And to me rocky and rough patches are the same thing. Bumps in the road are just that a bump and u move on from it. And yes if your 17 year old nephew got his gf pregnant you need to support them. Obviously it was too late to try and school them the deed was done and they were going to have to learn the hard way. Plus their situation is very different from mine in obvious ways cant really compare that. But still what would be the point in being mean and rude to them. Not going to change the past. And im sure your family would give their opinions with respect

ddmmt9 · December 2013

@tealowl once again nothing wrong with any of that. But your mom will have her opinion or not depends on your fam. Thing is in her house you have to follow her rules so I would understand if she had her opinions about another child because it would be under her roof

ddmmt9 · December 2013

@biglewzer he was a truck driver he drove all over the country. He quit so he could be home more and help raise our son. Had he kept doing that he would barely see us. So he stopped doing what he loved for his family. And now he takes care of home.

Manateearmz · December 2013

If "rocky" and "rough patch" mean the same thing to you, your viewpoint is skewed IMO. I'm with @whocanitbenow on this one. Sounds like you're leaving out a lot here.

I give you a GIANT side eye for getting defensive over some of the comments from internet strangers but not being able to have a conversation with your offending family members.

And we're talking about multiple people in your family which makes me think they are all on the same page and know something we don't about you or your boyfriend.

FemShep · December 2013

Sometimes being supportive means sitting a person down and helping them understand that they're royally fucking up their life-and potentially the life of their child as well. Being supportive doesn't equal blowing sunshine up someone's butt. And FWIW, if you're still living with your parents or on their support, yeah, they have a right to be not-so-thrilled about a baby.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

@triumphgrrrl your right that is probably what she believes. Crazy thing is how can I know thats what she belives if she doesnt come to me correct and explain that to me. Plus she has always been the breadwinner for her family never had a man to take care of them period. So I didnt think she had the idea after how her life was. And your also right that im not really caring about their outlook on my situation because I dont know what it is. Maybe if they sat me down and talked to me like a person I could understand them better. And see it from their side

ddmmt9 · December 2013

@femshep I couldn't agree more with everything you said. Were missing the part were they talked to me. If they think that im doing something wrong or messing up my life they can tell me and give suggestions on how I should make things better. The only thing I see wrong is that im not married. Im always open to hear what my family has to say I just dont like how the said it.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

@triumphgrrl I didnt throw a temper tantrum I didnt really say anything. I was kinda in shock and didnt say much. Im venting here to you all because I didnt have to deal with this the first time so im kinda at a lost. This is new to me. And I dont wanna act like a child and be disrespectful to my family thays why im asking for a way to handle this with out coming off wrong

Rosebean · December 2013

ddmmt9 said:

WhoCanItBeNow said:

I'm guessing there is way more to the story than what you put there.

Of course I could go on and on but I just cut to the point and the general idea.

MrsSparklebottom said:

In general people are happy about a pregnancy unless given a reason not to be.

I think I disagree with this statement. I have seen one of my closest friends go through hell with her step-mom because she can just never be happy for her... For anything. Her step mom is alway breathing down her neck telling her she can't do this or can't do that, or why did you buy that sofa, or you can't afford that house....etc. She's just a control freak who doesn't like to see other people happy. There are lots of people out there who will dump on one particular person when something good is happening in their lives just so they can bring them down and I can guarantee you this would be the case if my friend ever called her step mom up to tell her they were expecting. She is constantly bullied by her step mom and their relationship is pretty non existent because of it now. And FTR, my friend is the nicest woman ever, fun loving, married with a beautiful son and runs an at home day care. I don't know what more her step mom couldn't be proud of. But there is just no pleasing some people.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

@rosebean this is so true and I talked with my mom last night and got her opinion on it on it and this seems to be the case with my grandma and its not just with me shes starting to be like this with everyone. Maybe there is something going on with her that we are all missing.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

WhoCanItBeNow said:

Rosebean said:

ddmmt9 said:

WhoCanItBeNow said:

I'm guessing there is way more to the story than what you put there.

Of course I could go on and on but I just cut to the point and the general idea.

MrsSparklebottom said:

In general people are happy about a pregnancy unless given a reason not to be.

MrsSparklebottom said:

In general people are happy about a pregnancy unless given a reason not to be.

I think I disagree with this statement. I have seen one of my closest friends go through hell with her step-mom because she can just never be happy for her... For anything. Her step mom is alway breathing down her neck telling her she can't do this or can't do that, or why did you buy that sofa, or you can't afford that house....etc. She's just a control freak who doesn't like to see other people happy. There are lots of people out there who will dump on one particular person when something good is happening in their lives just so they can bring them down and I can guarantee you this would be the case if my friend ever called her step mom up to tell her they were expecting. She is constantly bullied by her step mom and their relationship is pretty non existent because of it now. And FTR, my friend is the nicest woman ever, fun loving, married with a beautiful son and runs an at home day care. I don't know what more her step mom couldn't be proud of. But there is just no pleasing some people.

Yes, that can be the case. Given how defensive she got immediately, that's unlikely. Generally when people have cases like that they include a backstory about how nothing they do is ever correct in the eyes of that person. She's throwing a tantrum because her parents and the board didn't react in the exact way she wanted.

OP's family is apparently only showing concern as it relates to her SO and children. Generally speaking, there is good cause for that.

NO im not throwing a tantrum I want my family to be happy and be on board with me but if they are not thats fine. I just feel like there is a certain way you talk to people and you didnt do it correctly and neither did they. You can feel how ever you want to feel about any one but you always come to people with respect no matter what their situation is. I just wanted a suggestion on how I could come to them with respect and address what ever their issue is with out being rude or throwing a tantrum. You don't have to be happy with what I do but at least so some respect. Which you were very rude from jump because you feel there's something I left out. You come off like a know it all and I got defensive because of the way you talk to me.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

Update: Talked to my mom for starters and got to the bottom of her issues. She says she isn't thrilled right now because she doesn't know how she will be able to give enough love and attention to two grandchildren and doesn't want to neglect my son. Shes also said having to children is hard and she doesn't want me to be under to much pressure financially taking care of a family of 4 compared to 3. Shes just worried (which is her nature she worries about everything) that now we will be struggling since Ill have 2 kids. I'll just have to show her that I can handle it with no problem. She doesn't know exactly how much money I make or take home any of that so she is just going on her experience not my income. Finances are not my issue Ill just have to reassure that I can handle it. Next Ill talk to my dad then grandma

ddmmt9 · December 2013

@cruelsound not cool man not cool.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

Talking about weed and getting hooked up is totally unrelated and not helping the post. If that's what you do . Go post it somewhere else but not here where I'm genuinely looking for answers and opinions. FTR weed is for loosers

ddmmt9 · December 2013

I spelled it that way on purpose on for emphases on the loosing part. I should have spelled it LOOOSERS!!! And that post def needed to be flagged thats total abuse.

fluffball80 · December 2013

Manateearmz said:

If "rocky" and "rough patch" mean the same thing to you, your viewpoint is skewed IMO.

Can you explain to me what the difference is? I know different words have different meanings to different people depending on how and where they were raised. I have never used either one because I don't discuss my relationship with most people especially family. If I do I just say we are having problems or issues. To me they all mean the same thing. Your relationship is not in a good place. Its in those times where you as a couple decide whether to work on it or walk away. For me and where I am coming from is that I have heard couples say both "rough patch" and "rocky" and end up deciding to walk away from a marriage or relationship.

momof2buggs · December 2013

RedheadBaker said:

How about being an adult, and addressing them directly? Asking them what their issue is?

This.

ddmmt9 · December 2013

fluffball80 said:

Manateearmz said:

If "rocky" and "rough patch" mean the same thing to you, your viewpoint is skewed IMO.

Can you explain to me what the difference is? I know different words have different meanings to different people depending on how and where they were raised. I have never used either one because I don't discuss my relationship with most people especially family. If I do I just say we are having problems or issues. To me they all mean the same thing. Your relationship is not in a good place. Its in those times where you as a couple decide whether to work on it or walk away. For me and where I am coming from is that I have heard couples say both "rough patch" and "rocky" and end up deciding to walk away from a marriage or relationship.

I've seen the same thing. so i'm also curious to the exact difference. I didn't really see it having a difference in either situation you can only have one of two results, either you keep going with the relationship and make it work or you go your separate ways.

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