I think my heart broke tonight

silentsiren11 · December 2013

tesskerr said:
I read the 1st 5 or so, and couldn't get past the fact that most people were thinking this was devastating "heart breaking" news. I was honestly expecting something terrible to have happened, so was just very surprised that you, who I consider a very strong, independent and brave woman, cared so much about a long lost second cousin once removed having the same name.

I have since read the replies, and am very glad you are keeping the name.

I just wanted to address why I found it heartbreaking/horrible, which Peanut kind of already did above. For me, it's sad because she loves the name so much and has had very strong convictions on it, and despite whether or not she keeps it, it is a little sad either way.

I wouldn't change my daughter's name but would feel very similarly if I suddenly found out this week I or DH had a cousin we didn't know about with the same name.

peanutmuse · December 2013

@tesskerr, Seriously? Because I am a strong person, I am not allowed to be sad over something that is, well.... sad? It would break my heart if I have to change the name, which is still not 100% decided FTR. Personally, I think that I've experienced enough heartache this year related to building my family. And yes, this has caused me some heart ache. How the hell can you possibly know how this would affect my husband? Because this isn't just about me, it's about him too. FFS.

megs12914 · December 2013

I'm so sorry! That's a crappy position to be in. Like others have said, only you and your husband can come to the right conclusion.

I loved the name Bennett for a boy but it is my sister's son's middle name. No one really knows it and she was ok with me using it but I would feel weird about it. However, I wasn't dead set on it and a couple weeks away from delivery when we decided this so it is not really the same.

HappyDoc · December 2013

I am late to the game, but I wanted to let you know that I am glad that you and your DH were able to talk about this and tentatively decided to keep the name that you chose, and love. At this point, I seriously can't even imagine trying to come up with a new name for our LO. We have been referring to her as Lexi for months and months, and any other name just wouldn't feel right.

Cara1024 · December 2013

oh my. I really feel for you. If we suddenly couldn't use our name at this point I would probably cry for three days straight. I'm so attached to it now, as I imagine you are. I'm sorry.

Dishylo · December 2013

Peanut - that would be devestating and I'm so sorry that you're going through this now, after everything that's happened over the last several weeks.

I can't even begin to understand how you feel as we've not been able to agree on any names but I should imagine it's pretty awful.

I'm glad YH is open to the possibility of keeping the name. I hope you (and YH) can take a few days to just be sad, think about what you really want and what will work for you both.

MJOJwedding · December 2013

:-(
It took us so long to decide on a name, and I'm finally attached to it, I just can't imagine.
But I totally get your sadness over it! I'm glad you and YH are tentatively keeping the name. But you have every right to be sad and cry tonight :-(

sept9107bride · December 2013

Keep your name. There is a huge age difference so even if they were brought up in conversation the topics would never be the same. College vs. preschool, etc.

My brother in law has the same name as one of his closest first cousins. It's ok to do!

MindyBadger1 · December 2013

I would be very upset too, but keep the name. He has been Brennon for some time now and you have bonded to him with that name. Cry, breathe, and at some point, tomorrow, next month, 10 years, I bet you will find it funny that it upset you so much. F what anybody else thinks.

tesskerr · December 2013

peanutmuse said:

@tesskerr, Seriously? Because I am a strong person, I am not allowed to be sad over something that is, well.... sad? It would break my heart if I have to change the name, which is still not 100% decided FTR. Personally, I think that I've experienced enough heartache this year related to building my family. And yes, this has caused me some heart ache. How the hell can you possibly know how this would affect my husband? Because this isn't just about me, it's about him too. FFS.

What I'm saying is I don't get it. I admit I don't get it. You are allowed to feel sad. I am very very surprised that so many people find it sad and heartbreaking. To me its like my neighbour has a 16 year old called Indie (our baby's name, which we have called her since finding out her sex at 18 weeks). Now if my sister had a baby tomorrow, and called her indie, I would be sad. But a practical stranger? What I'm trying to say is.... I just don't get it!

Maybe it's just a cultural thing? Maybe us kiwis just don't really care if someone we don't really know had an older kid with a name we like? and we can agree to disagree. And I was not trying to offend you, I wads trying to give you a compliment. Again, I guess its just a cultural thing that you guys can't take compliments!

grml14 · December 2013

My son's name is the same as my cousins sons name. None of my family (besides the mother of that child) cared or even mentioned it, and I'm confident that they will never meet or only meet 2-3 times I their life time. I understand how you feel though I was upset finding our that they had the same name as well but in the end I couldn't imagine calling my baby any other name. I love the name brennan.

ccip82 · December 2013

I am glad you and DH were able to talk about it and are holding off on making any major decisions.

FWIW, I agree with everyone and would still use the name. Still, that is a sucky situation- hugs peanut.

Thirtyodd · December 2013

peanutmuse said:
@AnnikaD20, let's keep in mind that you don't know my husband's family dynamic and therefore can't really make a judgment call about what the best thing for us will be. That's why I'm not asking for anyone to fix this situation for me, because you can't. I just need to be sad. Because no matter what choice we make, the truth is that there will be a little bit of sadness either way. KWIM?

Speaking as a second time mother here, me I had a name picked out that I was absolutely so in love with and no other name came close I just had to have that name. He didn't want the name for several reasons that I won't go into (but I'd no idea about until then) and I was absolutely gutted. I was so heartbroken I just lay in bed crying.

As I didn't feel any other of my top names was the right one I agreed to go with his top choice even though I wasn't 100% and I still wanted my choice. When I went into labour I still had held onto feelings for my choice of name, though as soon as I looked at her I knew straight away my favourite name in the whole world wasn't the right one for her and that his choice was and I really can't explain why I felt this way.

Almost 10 months on and I'm pregnant with our second child and the name I had cried over so much has gone right out the window and I'm not even considering it for our second baby. I have no feeling for the name whatsoever and while I think it's a lovely name still it has no meaning to me at all now.

Whatever name you decide to choose whether it be this one or not just make sure it's the right one AFTER you have met your baby face to face and not before. You could love this name right up until you see him and then suddenly think "No! It's not him" like I did with DD, or you could think yes it's definitely the right one.

These things happen, sometimes it sucks and sometimes it doesn't but if you do chose that name and if it shocks people that you have chosen it then that shock will likely only last all of 5 minutes, pretty soon afterwards it will be yesterday's news and things will calm down.

Had our DD been a boy my OHs favourite boys name was banned because it was the name my brother called his son who was stillborn. So both of us had to give up on a name we loved, but that's life. Personally unless it was for my reason of not using the name like a deceased family member or something like that I really wouldn't care and I'd have the name if I still loved it after the birth, but I'm not you and only you both can decide what to do.

But honestly in my experience giving up on that one name that I had my heart set on was nowhere near as hard as what I thought it was going to be.

Thirtyodd · December 2013

Ah I see you have decided to keep the name it's good that you have that sorted now.

twobluelines · December 2013

I totally get why you would be heart broken over this. It is a sucky situation and I am glad that your husband and you are putting of the decision until the immediate knee jerk emotional reaction has passed. Have you considered addressing this head on in your thank you card? Acknowledging that you just learned their son's name and that it is a name you are considering/giving (depending on where you sit mentally on the issue when you write the card? ) perhaps even acknowledging that this suggests you have similar tastes.

I know it all depends on why your husband isn't comfortable with this name and why he isn't close to the cousin but I hope regardless you guys can reach a consensus quickly on how to proceed.

last14real · December 2013

@peanutmuse I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this so late in the game. It is definitely something that would make me sad as well (not so much this bb but for DS when I had a set name). I know it's not the same but the closest I have come to deciding for this LO was that I love the name Emma. Then the top ten list came out and Emma is #2. That was very upsetting to me. I don't think I can name her that now and have definitely shed some tears over it. I know it's different bc it's just a list not another person I know, but still. I want her name to be special and that took something away for me. I'm glad you and your husband are discussing it, bc only you can decide what's best for your baby. I don't like the eff it I'm doing what I want mentality bc that can come with regret. I would continue to discuss it until you and your DH are both 100% one way or the other, good luck!!

[Deleted User] · December 2013

I'm sorry to hear that peanut

Shannahbee · December 2013

I would be so sad over this too.
It is going to sound ridiculous to compare because my story involves a pet, but here goes:
We chose our name the day of the A/S when we found out it was a boy, but didn't tell a soul. We've referred to LO by that name ever since.
A couple of months ago, my SIL brought home a little kitten, and you can guess what name they unknowingly gave him. I was SO UPSET. Like I was crying inconsolably, which seems ridiculous, but there it is. We are extremely close with my in-laws and see them a lot, and their pets are like their entire world... Pictures of them are all over Facebook, small talk at family gatherings is always about them, they get gifts from other family members at Christmas. I knew that if my in-laws went 2 or 3 months referring to this little kitten as 'Oliver', that when we introduced our baby as also having that name, it would be weird for them and for us.
My husband didn't want to say anything because it would mean revealing our name choice... and because he felt it wasn't our place to ask someone to change their pet's name. Which I realize is true.
In the end, we called his sister and just told her the situation, and she offered to change the name no questions asked. She said she would have felt the same way if roles were reversed, and that they had had a hard time deciding between two names anyways. And she hasn't told anybody else the real reason they decided to change it, so we're really grateful. I don't know if we would have changed the name or not, had she kept it for her kitten...
All this just to say that I totally get how devastating it can be when you are faced with potentially changing the name you love and have been using all this time. I'm sorry you're dealing with this so close to delivery!

peanutmuse · December 2013

Thank you to everyone for sharing your stories. I think what we're going to have to do is have a back up name just in case and make a game day decision. We'll just have to do what feels right at the time.

I think the piece that some of you are missing about this situation (the ones who are saying keep it, no question) is that it's not just about me. My husband has feelings about this situation too, and it is his family in question. If it was 100% up to me, I would obviously keep the name. But it's not fair or right for me to completely discount his feelings.

MrsGraham06 · December 2013

I'm not going to make any suggestions, it looks like plenty of people have on Page 1. But it seems that you need some hugs, and that's what I'm here for.

Lots of {{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you!

KimberlyTX · December 2013

I think it's good that you're taking some time to make a decision, although I'm sure it's even more stressful this close to the end. It's just a crappy situation, and I hope your husband and you come to a decision that you're both ok with.

brittanydec2012 · December 2013

I wouldn't change your name choice. You clearly love it and had it chosen before you knew of the cousins name. Especially if you are not close I do not think it's a big deal at all!

Ljessen13 · December 2013

@peanutmuse. I read through all three pages of post this morning and I have several things to say. 1st. Given what I somewhat know about you...( prior to this pregnancy and including this pregnancy ) hell yes you have every right to feel heartbroken!!! Names don't come easy to everyone and when u finally decide on one and find out something like this it is def a game changer. 2. I am not going to tell you what I would do bc it doesn't matter. Only you and your hubby can decide. 3. I do like the idea of a back up name bc when you see him you may look at him and say....he doesn't look like a Brennon...he looks like a ______ It's nice to have that card in your deck. ( back up plans are a must in every situation) 4. Hell yes your hubby has a say

like u said if it was just you, you wouldn't care but no one knows the dynamic in his family. I wish they wouldn't have signed that name in the card. I wish you would have never known bc this is one more thing on the pile of shit you have had to deal with buttttt you do know. I think the plan you have in place is what's best for you and your husband. Either way.... This little one is gonna be cute, healthy and awesome!!! Good luck with your decision peanut!

Kc101212 · December 2013

I'm so sorry this happened, and I'm thinking of you - I know how stressful picking a name is and we still haven't figured it out.

I wanted to tell you about some of the crazy name dynamics in my family. My father is named Thomas. His cousin named his son Thomas (whose 21 now) bc they liked the name and my father named his son Thomas (who is 19 now). They ALL go by Tommy, but my cousins son and my brother have different last names and middle names. We all see each other like 10ish times a year and it's not a big deal at all. Sometimes it's even a joke when they're all in the room together - Old Tommy, Middle Tommy, Little Tommy or the younger boys will get called Tommy B. and Tommy M.

We also have two Adele's, a Christine and Christian, two Raymond's, and four Joseph's. And there's a good chance we name our daughter Alaina and I have another cousin's whose daughter is Elaina. No ones ever asked for permission and each names been accepted as the choice of the parents and totally embraced. And these similar names are not even considering my DH's family!

Whatever you do will completely be the right choice, and I know you'll both have family that support you whether it's the same name or a different name. Sending hugs your way!

rowanthefrog · December 2013

Honestly I don't see why you need to change your name. If it was a cousin you see often then that would be one thing, but a much older cousin that you rarely see? I honestly don't think its a big deal to have a repeat.

DH's cousin and his wife have a 2 yr old named Adeline. DH's brother and his wife are currently pregnant with their 1st child and they are naming her...Adeline. And we see these cousins a lot, several times a year at least.

Obviously do what feels right to you, but if you love the name (and you obviously do) then use it.

A

Lena122 · December 2013

I'm glad you're thinking about keeping the name. I know every family dynamic is different but FWIW, my brother and our first cousin have the same first name. We spent a lot of time with this cousin growing up and it wasn't weird to us that they had the same name.

Roses87 · December 2013

I wouldn't change it. They don't seem super close and maybe they won't learn your baby's name till he is older. I say nbd especially if you already settled on the name and have been calling him it. If it was a first cousin I would say maybe think about changing it. A second cousin though? Try not to stress. Sorry this is stressful for you and I hope it resolves quickly for you!

bee1916 · December 2013

I can understand your struggle and I feel so bad that you have to focus on this when you have so many other things to think about right now. I hope that you and your husband can find a solution that you both feel comfortable with. Thinking of you!

WinsyWade · December 2013

brideandbreve said:

peanutmuse said:

I'm pretty confident that the 2 boys could go through their lives and never meet. But there are cousins and second cousins that will know both of them, It feels strange now and my husband is uncomfortable with it. I just don't know. I feel like I have to let it sit and think about it, but with the way things are going, I'm afraid I don't have much time to do that.

I am so, so sad about this.

Oh, this just sucks.

So, I take it the name wasn't told to family and no one pointed it out a while ago? Because on the off-chance that you guys had told some mutual family you were going with Brennon, had no one ever felt the need to pipe up and go, "Oh, that's so-and-so's son's name," I'd feel comfortable to still use it.

What about flipping the names around? Zander Brennon?

I don't think I'm being at all helpful. I'm just so, so sorry. I can't imagine having this happen so close to the due date and then having to do a totally different name.

--------- quote fail -----------------

I was thinking this too- re: Zander Brennon.

Could you do this and call him by his middle name? Then technically he doesn't have the same name... Just a thought.

Also, my first cousin named her son Kameryn, 9 months after I had my son Cameron. It's weird the way it turned out, but I don't believe anyone has the rights to a name. If the boys will most likely never meet, then I'd use the name you love and not worry about it.

Kbrittonhart · December 2013

I wouldn't change the name. We have several cases of the same names in our family and no one is offended. In fact, my grandfather and his sister named two of their children the same names (Viola after their mom and Jimmie because they liked the name). I really didn't notice it until I did my family tree this year! It will be ok as long as you and DH are comfortable with it.

MamaP19 · December 2013

I hope you and YH can find a backup easily. I know how hard it has been for us to agree on one name. It would be easy for me to say just keep the name, but my H has refused any name that he can associate with anyone in his life, past or present. Not to say that's what YH is doing, but that his feelings definitely matter.

bethughknee · December 2013

I'm definitely late to the game but I'm glad I decided to actually read the responses. I'm glad you seem more likely to go with what I consider YOUR name but I think a back up is a good idea, too.

One of my cousins had a favorite boy name that she was very attached to and was ecstatic to find out she'd get to use when she found out she was having a boy a few years ago. AS SOON as he was born, she felt like the name wasn't his and changed it. She had things personalized, everyone in the family knew, and this was something totally out of character for her. It was just one of those funky hormonal things that mom's (IMHO) earn every right to get away with.

You seem less likely to have the above happen to you, but it felt like it warranted sharing because this cousin and I grew up together and I knew the name she had picked out when we were in high school, I think.

ANYWAY, I'm very sorry that this has been an emotional couple of days. And since I think I remember at least one OB telling you they didn't think you'd make it to 2014, I can't imagine that compounding the pressure you must feel to make a decision. FWIW, I really hope you stick with Brennon but I think it's really great that you're being pretty selfless and taking YH's feelings into such consideration.

bethughknee · December 2013

peanutmuse said:

tesskerr said:

I havent read all of the replies. and this is going to sound rude, but WTF would you change the name? They are going to have zero to do with each other, and the other kid is old. I really, honestly, do not see the problem.

My dad has the exact same name, including middle and last, as a cousin. It's really no big deal.

@tesskerr, Yup -- it's clear you definitely didn't read the other responses. Sometimes it's good to do that before jumping in balls to the wall.

@tesskerr I don't mean for this to come off as such a call out but this is the second thread in less than a week that you have responded rather brashly and opened with "I haven't read through the responses yet."

These threads each take on quite a tone and this one especially since peanut is the OP and is someone who has been VERY active and has shared A LOT with us not only about her medical issues during this pregnancy, but also how an earlier loss has affected her. I think it's extremely rude to jump into replies this way and I think you should consider taking the time to read replies (even if there are quite a few, you could at least pause to read any OP's updates...) before you respond so fiercely and what I consider judgmentally. There seems to be a lot of complaint around here to the tune of "Why can't we just ask what we want to ask and feel how we want to feel?" and that's exactly what peanut was doing in this case.

bensmommy518 · December 2013

@peanutmuse I am so sorry you had this happen to you so late in the game but I am glad you and your hubby are talking about it and think the idea of a back up name is a good plan.

With both DS and this LO we have picked a couple of names to have on our "short list". With DS I was calling him one name in my head almost the whole pregnancy and when he came out it just didn't seem to fit so I was happy we had other choices we had already discussed and agreed on. Same with this one - I have an idea of what I will likely call her but until I see and hold her I am not 100% sure.

I also found out this weekend that a cousin of mine who we dont see a whole lot had a son on christmas and they named him Benjamin. Now they know my son is named Benjamin but to me (and obviously them I guess) it is not a big deal. No one else in our family seemed to mind it either and honeslty they probably wont spend much time around each other anyway. Only you guys know the dynamics of your family though and I know you both will figure out what is right for you.

[Deleted User] · December 2013

I didn't see anyone suggesting Brennon as a possible middle name (in the event your DH feels super strong about not using it as a first name). I think its sort of the middle ground, where you can still keep the name and even call your baby boy by Brennon. I know it's not the same at all, but I'm trying to give you more options. Hope you are feeling better, I haven't seen any updates on your situation in a while!

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