I think my heart broke tonight

peanutmuse · December 2013

We received a card in the mail from one of my husband's cousins -- a card & gift card in lieu of a gift for our shower on his side of the family. It's his first cousin, but they are not super close. She did not come to our wedding, and I have actually only met her once at his sister's wedding in 2009. My guess is that my husband wouldn't even know her married name if I asked him right now. The card was signed from her and her husband and their kids.

Her son's name is Brennan.

Even though he is not close with her, I am afraid that his other first cousins (with whom he is close) and his aunts and uncles will find it very strange that we chose the same name. I had zero clue she even had a son until very recently, and definitely did not know his name. He's about 15 or 16. I am so devastated and heartbroken about this because we probably have to change our name now. My husband thinks that is the best thing to do. I don't even know how to bring myself to look at names.

I really feel like my heart was just ripped out of my chest.

cpm1223 · December 2013

Oh peanut I'm sorry! Honestly I wouldn't change the name...this is just a cousin and someone that you'll likely never see (I'm assuming.) If anyone asks, you can tell them the truth, that you had no idea they had a son let alone what his name is.

silentsiren11 · December 2013

Oh no. How horrible. I've always admired how convicted you were on this and for this to happen is just awful.

LabPupLuv · December 2013

Oh no, I'm so sorry! That's so tough. Part of me wants to say just keep the name anyway, but I completely understand. How crazy, it's not a very common name either!

mrspharmd · December 2013

I honestly don't think it would be weird to use the same name, especially if you're not close and NEVER see them. I live in Kansas but have tons of family in Minnesota that I'm not close with at all, and if one of them had a son named Brayden that would absolutely not stop me from also naming my son Brayden. I wouldn't even think twice about it!

goldenB · December 2013

Considering you are not close to this cousin at all, I don't think you need to change your son's name on her account. If she or YH's family ask about it, just tell them the truth: you had this name picked out for a long time now.

Also, if the cousin's son is that much older than your son (16yrs difference) it's not like they will be interacting in a lot of social activities together. Be confident in your choice (it's a very good name!)

MiaMyPuggle · December 2013

I wouldn't change the name at all. It's a great name. Keep it. He's not close to this cousin and you met her once. You can make it blatantly clear you are not naming the baby after the cousin. It is spelled differently as well. Again, DO NOT CHANGE IT!

RingOfFire11 · December 2013

I absolutely wouldn't change the name that you fell in love with and planned on using. In a way, you've already named your son and I bet have been using it. Like you said, this is not a close relative and there are plenty of families with members with the same name. I vote you keep the name.

peanutmuse · December 2013

I'm pretty confident that the 2 boys could go through their lives and never meet. But there are cousins and second cousins that will know both of them, It feels strange now and my husband is uncomfortable with it. I just don't know. I feel like I have to let it sit and think about it, but with the way things are going, I'm afraid I don't have much time to do that.

I am so, so sad about this.

ScarlettDahlia · December 2013

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. I can't really say what I'd do in that situation, but I'd lean towards not changing it. But like pp said, only you and your H know the dynamics of the family and what they'll think.

ashleywiz · December 2013

Considering you're just weeks away from having this beautiful babe, and you had the name picked out SO long ago, AND no one else in the family has ever mentioned anything about it, I honestly wouldn't even consider changing the name. The big age gap makes it even more acceptable. I actually have a cousin who named their kid Ashley R W when I was about 11- so same initials and everything. I actually joked about it being such an awesome name and that I wore it so well someone else in the family wanted it,too. Truly, don't let it make you change the name. It's an awesome name and you seem like you love it.

peanutmuse · December 2013

I e-mailed my mother about it to see what she thinks. My husband and I both know that his mother will say "screw it, name him whatever you want." But she is the type of person who does whatever she wants without taking anyone's feelings into consideration for anything -- even when things are blatantly wrong to do -- so she's not a good judge for the right thing to do.

Arrgcr · December 2013

I am so sorry peanut. No words of advice. Just follow your gut feeling.

peanutmuse · December 2013

ashleywiz said:

Considering you're just weeks away from having this beautiful babe, and you had the name picked out SO long ago, AND no one else in the family has ever mentioned anything about it, *snip*

@ashleywiz -- just so you have the whole picture, there is not a single person IRL who knows the name we chose. So it's not like other people just didn't realize. They don't know we picked Brennon.

brideandbreve · December 2013

peanutmuse said:

I'm pretty confident that the 2 boys could go through their lives and never meet. But there are cousins and second cousins that will know both of them, It feels strange now and my husband is uncomfortable with it. I just don't know. I feel like I have to let it sit and think about it, but with the way things are going, I'm afraid I don't have much time to do that.

I am so, so sad about this.

Oh, this just sucks.

So, I take it the name wasn't told to family and no one pointed it out a while ago? Because on the off-chance that you guys had told some mutual family you were going with Brennon, had no one ever felt the need to pipe up and go, "Oh, that's so-and-so's son's name," I'd feel comfortable to still use it.

What about flipping the names around? Zander Brennon?

I don't think I'm being at all helpful. I'm just so, so sorry. I can't imagine having this happen so close to the due date and then having to do a totally different name.

ashleywiz · December 2013

Wait, TB isn't real life?! Hahaha kidding! That does make sense why you would be a little weary, then- but still. He's a teenager and you guys rarely interact with them, I wouldn't even let it enter my bother zone.

kteeswei · December 2013

So sorry

I would probably use it still but growing up I had several first cousins with the same name, born within a few years of each other, that were all close. So that said, my family dynamic set the stage for this to be "normal" for me. Regardless, I'm so sorry this complication came up!

blue_elle · December 2013

This is a case that I would 1,000% keep the name. You're not close, they may never meet, and given the age difference even if they did I don't see it as being a weird thing. Sure, there's some cousins that will know both of them, but I really don't think anyone will think anything of it after the initial "oh, that's so-and-so's name too!" We've got family on both side that some of the cousins share names and it's really not a big deal at all.

LabPupLuv · December 2013

I think you should keep it too...

jessicat2283 · December 2013

I'm sorry

I vote keep it!!!!

AnnikaD20 · December 2013

More than one person can have the same name. It happens all the time actually. Especially when it's a real name and not some super youneek made up name.

Is it really a dealbreaker if your child has a different version of the same name as his first cousin once removed (I had to look that up) who he may never even meet?

In the end, you should feel good about the name you choose for your LO. But I agree with all the PP who don't think you should feel forced to change the name.

PreDempsey · December 2013

I'm sorry peanut

I can't even imagine having to come up with a new name at this point and I haven't even bonded specifically with one as much as you have. I hope you guys can find a resolution that makes you both happy.

peanutmuse · December 2013

@AnnikaD20, let's keep in mind that you don't know my husband's family dynamic and therefore can't really make a judgment call about what the best thing for us will be. That's why I'm not asking for anyone to fix this situation for me, because you can't. I just need to be sad. Because no matter what choice we make, the truth is that there will be a little bit of sadness either way. KWIM?

RobynLovesDano · December 2013

Ugh I'm sorry you are going through this! I can't imagine trying to come up with a different name at this point

. I vote keep it too, but ultimately you guys have to do what feels right.

worleygirl · December 2013

My son has the same name as my first cousin and my second cousin. They are 30 and 10 years apart. It really didn't cross my mind but my family is Scottish and there are often repeats in families. I really think it would be ok but as others have said, only you know your family dynamic. I'm sorry you are upset about it.

daltosostarby · December 2013

I'm so sorry that you just found that out. I would take some time and think about it, maybe since there's such a large age gap, and slightly different spelling it would be ok to keep it. I hope you and your husband can come up with something you both feel comfortable with no matter what you choose.

kiki1978 · December 2013

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this so late in the game. I hope you can find a solution that will make everyone happy. If it were me, I'd stick with Brennon because you are spelling it differently and the age difference between the two boys is pretty big.

secret214uWed28879 · December 2013

why would you change the name just because someone in the fam has it too? there are tons of names that people have that will be the same that you pick.

csandroo · December 2013

Oh man I would be real sad too! I'm sorry. I do think it is a "best case scenario" for what is overall a crappy scenario - with the age difference/distance etc. I would definitely feel the need to at least search out different names after finding that out (especially if SO is wanting to also) and see if anything else feels right or maybe discover his name is for sure Brennon you grow more comfortable naming him that after the initial shock factor of hearing a family member has it. Wish you didn't have this extra stress added- keep us posted on baby muse name!!

AnnikaD20 · December 2013

peanutmuse said:

@AnnikaD20, let's keep in mind that you don't know my husband's family dynamic and therefore can't really make a judgment call about what the best thing for us will be. That's why I'm not asking for anyone to fix this situation for me, because you can't. I just need to be sad. Because no matter what choice we make, the truth is that there will be a little bit of sadness either way. KWIM?

I understand, and I know you need to do what you need to do. You should feel good about the name you choose. But.... it just doesn't seem fair. What if you hadn't read the card or she had signed it differently and you didn't find out until later? I know you can't go back and unread it. I guess at least this way you get to know before it's too late to change your mind. But it sucks, and why can't your extended family just get over it, and gah, there I go not helping again.

peanutmuse · December 2013

secret214uWed28879 said:

why would you change the name just because someone in the fam has it too? there are tons of names that people have that will be the same that you pick.

@secret214uWed28879 -- do you ever post anything useful? Judging by your posting history, I'd say no.

Mamaleeks · December 2013

My cousin is Nicolas and we are naming our son that. I don't think you have to change the name at all

peanutmuse · December 2013

AnnikaD20 said:

peanutmuse said:

@AnnikaD20, let's keep in mind that you don't know my husband's family dynamic and therefore can't really make a judgment call about what the best thing for us will be. That's why I'm not asking for anyone to fix this situation for me, because you can't. I just need to be sad. Because no matter what choice we make, the truth is that there will be a little bit of sadness either way. KWIM?

I understand, and I know you need to do what you need to do. You should feel good about the name you choose. But.... it just doesn't seem fair. What if you hadn't read the card or she had signed it differently and you didn't find out until later? I know you can't go back and unread it. I guess at least this way you get to know before it's too late to change your mind. But it sucks, and why can't your extended family just get over it, and gah, there I go not helping again.

It's ok, you are doing fine. That's why I wanted to mention that I didn't want anyone to feel like they had to try to fix it. It's just sad either way.

BUT I actually did just talk to my husband about it and told him that I wanted to keep the name. I asked him this question -- even if we end up at some fictional, abstract family reunion that *might* happen where the two of them run into each other and have the same name, is the awkwardness that *might* occur for a few minutes be worth breaking my heart over this name? And he said no. So we've tentatively decided to keep it.

OSUWifey09 · December 2013

I'm so, so sorry you're in this situation. I know that none of us can fix it for you, but I hope that you and your H come to a solution that you're comfortable with. I love the name but definitely understand the hesitation - we changed Mia's middle name three times because we found names that we fell in love with, but found out there were other family members with the same name [their first name was Mia's potential middle name]. H and I weren't comfortable using those names anymore...so I get it.

tesskerr · December 2013

I havent read all of the replies. and this is going to sound rude, but WTF would you change the name? They are going to have zero to do with each other, and the other kid is old. I really, honestly, do not see the problem.

My dad has the exact same name, including middle and last, as a cousin. It's really no big deal.

jmdaisy2 · December 2013

Sorry that some one in the extended family has the name you fell in love with

. I am glad to hear you'll be tentatively keeping the name. It is a crap situation, but I think you are using the right logic to make the right decision for you both! Echoing what others have said, I'd definitely keep the name I chose if I was in the same situation.

Edited to fix an autocorrect error

peanutmuse · December 2013

tesskerr said:

I havent read all of the replies. and this is going to sound rude, but WTF would you change the name? They are going to have zero to do with each other, and the other kid is old. I really, honestly, do not see the problem.

My dad has the exact same name, including middle and last, as a cousin. It's really no big deal.

@tesskerr, Yup -- it's clear you definitely didn't read the other responses. Sometimes it's good to do that before jumping in balls to the wall.

DaniMiller · December 2013

I hate to consider myself a lurker because I have "lurked" since May and haven't posted much but wanted to share my thoughts..

You have bonded with this sweet boy for many months and have gone through so just for him. IF the name does surprise family members or create a potential awkward moment in the future if the two would ever meet this would just be momentary. It will pass. If you don't use the name you love and know him as you will regret it long term! Hoping after sleeping on it you will feel more confident!

tesskerr · December 2013

I read the 1st 5 or so, and couldn't get past the fact that most people were thinking this was devastating "heart breaking" news. I was honestly expecting something terrible to have happened, so was just very surprised that you, who I consider a very strong, independent and brave woman, cared so much about a long lost second cousin once removed having the same name.

I have since read the replies, and am very glad you are keeping the name.

shortstuff15 · December 2013

peanutmuse said:

AnnikaD20 said:

peanutmuse said:

@AnnikaD20, let's keep in mind that you don't know my husband's family dynamic and therefore can't really make a judgment call about what the best thing for us will be. That's why I'm not asking for anyone to fix this situation for me, because you can't. I just need to be sad. Because no matter what choice we make, the truth is that there will be a little bit of sadness either way. KWIM?

I understand, and I know you need to do what you need to do. You should feel good about the name you choose. But.... it just doesn't seem fair. What if you hadn't read the card or she had signed it differently and you didn't find out until later? I know you can't go back and unread it. I guess at least this way you get to know before it's too late to change your mind. But it sucks, and why can't your extended family just get over it, and gah, there I go not helping again.

It's ok, you are doing fine. That's why I wanted to mention that I didn't want anyone to feel like they had to try to fix it. It's just sad either way.

BUT I actually did just talk to my husband about it and told him that I wanted to keep the name. I asked him this question -- even if we end up at some fictional, abstract family reunion that *might* happen where the two of them run into each other and have the same name, is the awkwardness that *might* occur for a few minutes be worth breaking my heart over this name? And he said no. So we've tentatively decided to keep it.

Yay!!! We are in a similar situation should we ever have a boy (so possibly 4ish weeks from now). We have had a boys name picked out for almost 5 years. I have actually had it picked out since I was about 12. My husband's cousin named her son that name 4 years ago and while we aren't super close, they would see each other probably once every couple of years or more. Ultimately we decided to keep our name choice and we will use it if we have a boy, but we know that the family will look at us weird and wonder why we chose a name that was already in use.

Armyratt · December 2013

Sorry

I hope everything works out for you.

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