Gender disapointment

Ninamor2jj · December 2013

My husband is blaming me for being pregnant with our third girl. We both hoped we were having a boy, and when we found out it was a girl it broke out hearts because this is to be our last baby. I got over it two days later and came to terms with the fact that as long as she was healthy that's all I cared about but my husband seemed to have stopped talking to me. He just stopped being affectionate, he started sleeping on the couch, and if I would even bring up anything about the baby he would just say uhuh and not speak to me about it again. He finally opened up to me after not talking to me for two weeks and he blames me. He pretty much said what am I suppose to do with another girl? And I should have worked harder to make sure we did everything to make a boy. So blaming me is his thinking. I simply asked him so what are you saying because we are having a girl your not going to love your daughter the same way you love the other 2 and I got no response. I am hurting inside and just trying to see if this will blow over soon. I am due in April and its like my husband is not really there for me and I don't know what to do has anyone experienced this before?

danagmauro · December 2013

It's actually his (the sperms) "fault" my husband was not shy about saying he wanted a boy but when we found out she is a healthy girl and named her... Things changed completely and he's happy as can be.

Ninamor2jj · December 2013

I know it's his sperms fault but he is blaming me for wanting a third child now, even though we discussed having another baby. My daughters are both 9 years old and I haven't gotten pregnant in 9 years because originally he didn't want to have any more kids but I asked him one day if he was sure and he said no from then we talked about it and it happened. Before this pregnancy I had a miscarriage and we tried again and how I'm pregnant with a girl how is any of that just my fault? Ugghhhh men I am just scared that it is going to ruin our marriage.

mooncusp22 · December 2013

That must be hard & unfortunately I don't have great advice. I am pregnant with our first which is s girl. My husband really wanted a boy & I know he was a bit disappointed when we were told girl. He was quiet for about a day or 2 then got used to it. He is worried he won't know what to do with a girl. The past few weeks he's gotten so excited though.

He is also worried we may never have a boy. We plan on having 2-3 kids and I am worried we won't have that boy for him too. But, it is out of our control!!

My good friend just had her 3rd girl & last child. She swore up & down it was a boy because her pregnancy felt so different. Anyway , her husband was disappointed but when that baby was born he was in love....

CBJmommy · December 2013

This is so upsetting. As someone dealing with two different high risk issues, I'd give anything to have a "healthy" pregnancy. Your husband needs to get his priorities in check.

Avion22 · December 2013

Are their cultural issues contributing to your husband's disappointment over having a girl? It's normal to have some amount of gender disappointment, but like most of us you seem Otha be come to terms with it in a few days. It seems abnormal that your husband is still so affected weeks later. Is there anyone you think he'd feel comfortable talking to? A friend or family member? Clergy member? Are there other issues that he's dealing with right now (professional, financial, personal)?

thomas930 · December 2013

I can only imagine how hard this is on you.

Your husband is being extremely immature and I would really suggest counseling so that he can come to terms with his issues.

Ninamor2jj · December 2013

You know he usually reall does have his priorities in check but for some reason he is just being someone so different with me. Before we found out the sex he would rub my back, massage my feet, make sure I don't eat the wrong. Things and not pick up anything heavy and now it's different he will not even look at me for too long. He is suprising me with the way he is acting but I know he is really hurting

Ninamor2jj · December 2013

There are no cultural issues with him but I'm going to say having two girls already financially I think he is having his worries, boys you know worried about the silly things. Financially we are fine or else I would not have went on to have another baby. I might be the only person he has vented to in two weeks and I have a feeling that all his friends that he told he was having another girl too said something along the lines of another girl, ohh man I feel bad for you. I'm sure he has heard alot of that just the same way I did.

lajohnso1982 · December 2013

Unfortunately I don't have any advice, but I just want to send hugs. I hope that over time and when the baby arrives, your husband's behavior is different....loving instead of withdrawn.

Sisimama10 · December 2013

Give him some time to get used to the idea. It took me some time to get used to the fact were having a boy when I was secretly hoping for a girl. After a few weeks I was fine. When he holds his new daughter I'm sure everything will be all right. Good luck.

chichi589 · December 2013

That's horrible your husband needs to get his shit together and research how you have zero control and start to realize this is his child that he took part in making. And he needs to figure that out before April. I def suggest counciling because this is the last stress you need right now you should be concentrating on your family and creating this healthy baby then his stupidity. Good luck I hope he comes to his senses soon

Teresa1896 · December 2013

It makes me really sad to see you use phrases like "broken hearted" and "come to terms with" to describe a healthy baby, regardless of the sex.

Your husband needs to get over his issues, with counseling if necessary. No reason why you should have to listen to his crap anymore and why his daughter should have to suffer being "just" another girl.

I get being a little disappointed, but your husband is taking that to an extreme. It's not ok to take those feelings out on you!

Congrats on your little girl!

KatieGummow · December 2013

Well it's no one's fault, sperm or egg. You two should have adopted to ensure a boy. I dont even understand why he would agree to have another baby if he knew there was a 50/50 chance of him acting like a child. He needs to start acting like a fucking man. Ridiculous.

kwolslager · December 2013

What an a-hole. I'm the type of person who would call him out on it and have a knock-out drag-out argument over it. I would NOT just sit back and let him blame me or treat me badly by ignoring me because he didn't get is precious boy.

Are boys more valuable than girls? and if so, in what ways? And if the excuse is to "carry on the family name" then I call BS. Passing on a family surname is not a valid reason to get so upset over not having a boy. Because there are plenty of ways around that. Such as the age old tradition of a girl not having a given middle name so she can take her maiden name as her middle name. Also, I don't know where you come from, but in the USA it's not uncommon to see women keep their last names, or hyphen it.

I'd be so pissed if I were in that position. This is my third daughter too. And at the ultrasound I had maybe 5 seconds of disappointment and then I was all smiles. DH actually just laughed to himself and said something about being completely out numbered, and how he'll have to take his girls out to do "manly" things with.

There's no ones "fault" for having a specific sex. There's no magic way to conceive a boy or a girl (there are theories out there but they are all very loosely based and are disproven especially in the cases of B/G twins). It's completely by genetics.

Marusika · December 2013

We had a stillborn so F**k your husband (a baby girl isn`t human or what?). A healthy baby is all that matters. When everyhting is ok in someone`s life they get upset about shitty things. He needs a face slap.

Sorry for being rude ...

deidremaria · December 2013

No offense but your husband is a clueless, insensitive idiot. There is nothing one can do to determine the sex of their baby and HE's the one that keeps giving you girls as he's giving X chromosomes so there!!!

pineconey · December 2013

sounds like he needs a swift kick to the balls.

boxerbabylove · December 2013

my aunt and uncle had their hearts set on having a baby boy. Apparently, my uncle insisted before they even got pregnant that they would keep trying until they had that boy. Their first child was a girl and they had some major complications during the delivery and the doctors told my aunt she probably wouldn't survive having a second child. My uncle really wanted that boy and pushed at my aunt for 2 years until she agreed to try again despite the fact that she may not survive it. They conceived another daughter instead of his desired boy. His daughter was born very early and his wife nearly died during the delivery. Nearly 30 years later he is still bitter over the fact that all 5 of his siblings have boys and he doesn't. No amount of counseling or therapy has helped him get over the fact he didn't have that boy. I know that their marriage suffered for it over the years, to the point where my uncle moved to Japan for work, without his family, for 5 years. His wife raised those girls without him.

I know that is a long story and I apologize for the length. I just think it is important for you to know that this may not be something he gets over.

mrscrcalli · December 2013

It makes me sad you have to go through that, he's not right for putting that on you. Beyond that he's not right for feeling that way, he should see a therapist before this baby comes or he could do some serious psychological damage to you and your LO.

richiel · December 2013

So this is one thing I don't get. I grew up with 3 sisters we had girl dogs, so my dad was always out numbered, but my dad taught us girls everything he would have taught a boy. We went hunting, camping, worked on cars with him, worked outside on what ever project we had going. I have 3 boys #4 in April and they do all that and know how to cook and clean a house. One day (long time from now) I will have daughters when my boys find that special someone to be with. So boy or girl shouldn't matter.

I know this is not the advice you where looking for, but he needs to grow up and talk to someone weather it's you, a professional or someone who has three girls. He also needs to know that your two girls are watching everything he does and see how terrible he is behaving. Ask him if this is how he wants a man to treat them as they start to date. Kids see more then we know.

Good luck and know we are all here to support you.

J&NL · December 2013

Tell him to man the fuck up and get over it. It's no ones fault! JFC.

RocksInTheWater · December 2013

I am so disgusted by your husband's behavior that I really don't know what else to say except shame on him for the way he is acting. I wish I could give him a piece of my mind. I am really sorry you don't have your own husband on your side. Wow.

jennypenny1014 · December 2013

Ninamor2jj said:

I know it's his sperms fault but he is blaming me for wanting a third child now, even though we discussed having another baby. My daughters are both 9 years old and I haven't gotten pregnant in 9 years because originally he didn't want to have any more kids but I asked him one day if he was sure and he said no from then we talked about it and it happened. Before this pregnancy I had a miscarriage and we tried again and how I'm pregnant with a girl how is any of that just my fault? Ugghhhh men I am just scared that it is going to ruin our marriage.

If having another girl is enough to ruin your marriage then it wasnt that strong to begin with. He needs to get the fuck over himself and get some therapy, and learn how to better treat his wife...he's being a fucking asshole.

BiggerinRealLife · December 2013

Counseling. Please, for your sake, for his sake, for your kids' sake, counseling. There's no shame in it. Please get professional help, and someone who can be an advocate for you and your marriage in this situation.

sayysayy13 · December 2013

Oh Hun I'm so sorry! It's no ones fault you're having a girl. God gave you a healthy baby girl he should be happy you're giving his the gift of life ! I'm so sorry try and keep you're chin up :-(

RedDawnsRevenge · December 2013

My father the army ranger drill seargent had 3 biological girls much to his disappointment. He's never treated us like girls however, Sex is just a label. Am I disappointed I'm having DD#2? Sure. Secretly I'm glad it's another girl (cheaper and we don't have to have the circumcision fight). There isn't anything you can do with a boy that you can't do with a girl, short of special forces and submarine duty.

luvU2theMoon · December 2013

It seems like he was just looking for an excuse to start a fight with you...sounds like a huge jerk! If my SO was in any way dissapointed over our babies gender i would understand but he would NEVER ignore me or blame me. I would not put up with that at all!! i really hope you stand up for yourself and figure this out with him. I can imagine you are already stressed out being pregnant and taking care of your other girls.You dont need this extra stress.. i dont know how i would even be able to forgive him after that but i hope you can find a way to work it out and he figures out how big of a D word he is being and makes it up to you some how and gets over it!

Medic99 · December 2013

First off, it is him who controls the gender of a baby. Second, you need to remind him that there are people out there praying for what you have been blessed with.

AcaAwkward · December 2013

OP, all I can say is I'm sorry your husband is a gigantic douche canoe. Please suggest counseling. His behavior is unreasonable and ridiculous, and I don't think this is something that will magically correct itself without outside help.

mrscrcalli · December 2013

AcaAwkward said:
OP, all I can say is I'm sorry your husband is a gigantic douche canoe. Please suggest counseling. His behavior is unreasonable and ridiculous, and I don't think this is something that will magically correct itself without outside help.

I have a visual of a small man in a cut in half douche rowing up a vinnager stream...

loveyoga7 · December 2013

My Dad had three biological girls. The backstory on my parents is my mom miscarried 5 times before she had my big sis, so my Dad was elated just to have a healthy baby. My Mom was told she couldn't have any more children because she had one working fallopian tube and one working ovary on opposite sides of her uterus. She ended up getting pregnant with fraternal twins 4 years later (me and my twin sis). My parents didn't find out the sex until we were born. When they found out it was two more girls they were happy. My Dad admits that he was a little disappointed at first because he will never have a boy but now he feels dumb for ever feeling that way because after raising us to be the women we are today, he now believes that having daughters are the best. "A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life."

I hope your husband comes around. I would suggest counseling as PP's have said. I am sorry you are going through this.

pineconey · December 2013

loveyoga7 said:
"A son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life."

Cue me bawling my eyes out.

Bluebird2318 · December 2013

I am really sorry you are dealing with this. Your husband is being an enormous jerk in ways that go beyond simple gender disappointment. "What is he supposed to do with a third girl?" Love her and take care of her the way he does for the other two. Period. A little bit of gender disappointment is fine and normal, but he is at the point where, as PP have mentioned, he needs to get a grip or he needs to seek counseling, because this kind of behavior is not healthy or fair to you.

If I were in your shoes and he refused counseling, I think I would be at the point where I would ask him to leave the house until he was ready to step up and be a functioning part of your marriage and family. If he is having serious mental and emotional issues with this and needs some support, fine, but he needs to be seeking a healthy solution rather than taking it out on you. If he can't do that much, then it's his own fault and not yours. (((Hugs)))

ambarnett1 · December 2013

I don't even know what to say to this one. I think that is completely ridiculous. Of course people hope for a certain gender, but there are so many families that can't have a baby and would do anything for a healthy GIRL or BOY. Your H sounds like an asshole and if mine did that he would be out. If he can't love his own baby because of the gender (which she could not choose) then fuck him.

Ninamor2jj · December 2013

Well I just wanted everyone to know that my husband is never like this he really has been someone different to me. Like I said before there is something that has been bothering him but I know he was bottling it up for a while. Today I had enough and have him a little taste of his own medicine which he seems to find a little weird because he keeps wanting to talk to me and know what's wrong I don't know if he's going to get over this but if he isn't we sure will have a problem. But as far as calling my husband names I really don't appreciate it because like I said before there is something wrong knowing he is not usually like this.

NYJodway · December 2013

Are you sure it's really just the baby's gender that has him acting the way he's been acting? Sometimes, people act like he is when they have done something wrong themselves, are feeling guilty about it, and lack the ability to be honest about what they've done or cope with the guilt.

I'm not saying that this is or isn't the case with your husband, but I do think it's possible that the gender issue might have just been a convenient explanation so that he wouldn't have to address what's really going on.

jennypenny1014 · December 2013

Ninamor2jj said:

Well I just wanted everyone to know that my husband is never like this he really has been someone different to me. Like I said before there is something that has been bothering him but I know he was bottling it up for a while. Today I had enough and have him a little taste of his own medicine which he seems to find a little weird because he keeps wanting to talk to me and know what's wrong I don't know if he's going to get over this but if he isn't we sure will have a problem. But as far as calling my husband names I really don't appreciate it because like I said before there is something wrong knowing he is not usually like this.

So now you're going to jump to his defense because we all agree that, based on your original post, he's acting like a dick?? Sounds like there's a lot more to your relationship than you're letting on. If you didn't expect us to react the way we did, perhaps there should have been more explanation to the situation than simply "he's blaming me because we're having another girl, giving the silent treatment, etc." Just sayin.

sugarrush · December 2013

Ninamor2jj said:

But as far as calling my husband names I really don't appreciate it because like I said before there is something wrong knowing he is not usually like this.

Sorry but the common denominator here is that your husband is a huge tool and immature for acting the way he is. Dont get angry at us because we are calling it how we see it... its the internet, we dont know you and we dont know your husband and we only go off the information we are given. And with the information given, he's a certified douche.

If he were my husband, i'd kick his ass out of the house until he learns how to grow up and be a man and get the hell over it. He's mad at YOU for something YOU can't control??? Sounds like a real winner. I can see a lapse in judgement at first and maybe saying the wrong thing, but carrying it on for over a week and treating you like shit? Sorry, but no. Step back and look at the situation for what it is. Maybe you need to grow up a little bit too because giving him a taste of his own medicine isnt always the best way to go about it either.

abbeylanecb · December 2013

It seems like there is a deeper issue. There is no way a grown man can be so clueless. You need to have a real conversation with him and figure it out.