AW: I think I overreacted

PinkCamino · December 2013

Please tell me I'm overreacting??? Please?

Yesterday afternoon my cousin called me. She's generally a super nice person but I often wonder if she thinks before she speaks. She tends to just blurt things out without really processing what she's about to say.

Anyway, the phone call. So, another cousin's wife is expecting. Cousin #1 called screaming and yelling and literally screaming for joy that cousin #2 is "finally" having a baby. I was really caught off guard. I mean clearly, I knew this was coming. They've been married for a few years and although I don't know if they were trying or not (I don't really ask these types of questions) - I knew it was only a matter of time.

I managed to muster a "Wow that's great - good for them". It sounded horrible and totally effing forced. Dh was next to me and after the fact he told me it would have been better if I hadn't said anything at all and that my reaction was horrible and cold.

What made me livid though was that cousin #1 followed up this effing pregnancy announcement with "finally our family will have a baby". I got so angry. I lost my shit and told her to go eff herself. That conversation didn't go well. I was so insanely angry that she was telling me that our family would finally have a baby when a year ago our family had 2 and they died.

That conversation ended badly. I ended up lacing into her and she clearly wasn't expecting me to lose it. She ended up hanging up on me

Now I feel terrible. Cousin then called my grandfather to tell him how "ridiculous" i'm being about all this and I got a pretty stern talking to from my grandfather this morning too. He wants me to call and apologize and make peace. How can I possibly apologize for being upset about the fact my girls have been forgotten????

Honestly, I'm so lost.

lindsebert · December 2013

(((Hugs))) Pink. I'm so sorry this happened. I cannot tell you that you're overreacting though, because I don't think that you are. Some people don't think before they speak, and being called out on that should happen more, IMO. Maybe instead of an apology, you two could have a calm conversation about how she made you feel. Again, I'm so sorry that your family isn't remembering your girls. (((Hugs))) Love you!

E&B0811 · December 2013

(((hugs))). I agree with @lindsebert. I don't think you overreacted. Maybe you could have responded more calmly, but I also think this is on your cousin. She knows about your loss and I think it was insensitive and thoughtless to give you this news the way she did. I agree that sitting down and having a conversation with her is probably the best approach. Also, I'd have a conversation with Grandpa too. Just to try to give him some perspective. ((hugs))

LM915 · December 2013

I am so sorry. ((hugs))

I personally don't think you are overreacting. I would have been very upset if I was in your shoes and that happened.

EKGibs · December 2013

I don't think you over reacted. I probably would have acted the same way. (((((Hugs))))

KStephens514 · December 2013

I dont think you over reacted. I also dont think its fair that you apologize. Maybe she didnt think about how it would affected you at the start of the conversation but as it when on and noticed you were getting upset she should of relized that this was insensitive to youe feelings. I am sorry you are having to deal with that. (((Hugs)))

TVLily · December 2013

(((Hugs))) I don't think you overreacted either.

nicolestoney · December 2013

oh, pink - i'm so sorry.

i certainly don't think you were over reacting - if i was in your shoes, first i'd of given my DH a good shouting at for not being completely on my side and understanding the response - i'm sorry, how else do people expect you to respond to any pregnant announcement after everything, when it's not you?! you know what, we have every right to be jealous/bitter/upset/angry! and these people, especially family, should understand that.

even if your cousin had called and calmly told you the announcement, you probably would of reacted in exactly the same way, and i still would say you were right to, but for her to call you screaming all excited down the phone, i am most definitely with you! she'd of had the same eff yourself response from me. and grandpa would of calmly been asked if he could blame me for responding like that.

you have every right to react the way you did, and i personally don't think an apology is needed at all.

maybe you could explain to her how it made you feel, especially the 'finally' comment, that makes me sad to read to be honest.

such little compassion and thought for you and your whole situation.
don't feel guilty, and don't feel you need to apologise for acting like any other woman would do given the circumstances.
lots of love. x

LaRomana09 · December 2013

(((PinkCamino))) I'm sorry you are dealing with this, and especially this week of all times. I don't think you overreacted, I think your cousin was being horribly insensitive. Was this your grandfather that you're very close with who told you to apologize? I hope you're able to talk to him and clear the air, but as for "apologizing" to your cousin, I think it should be more of an open conversation about why you reacted the way you did, and it should really include an apology on her end, as well. (((HUGS)))

Belle3184 · December 2013

(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry. I cannot believe your family would be so insensitive. My opinion is your cousin should not have called your grandfather as the issue was between you and your cousin. Leave grandfather out of it because all it does is create unnecessary drama. I would call your cousin and explain exactly how hurtful her comments are and hopefully she will apologize. So sorry you are having to deal with this.

buggirl72 · December 2013

(((hugs))) love. You were blindsided. It does not matter how much you knew the probability of a pg with that cousin was, you were not expecting it, and certainly not in the manner delivered.

Your cousin should have acted with more tact in telling you in the first place. She absolutely did not think about you, what you are still going through, and how incredibly hard the holidays are. Her comment at the end was not okay on any level. It was insensitive and just horrible.

I don't think you owe anyone an apology. I do think your family could use a really well written piece about your girls and why they are a part of the family that should not be forgotten. Many, many ((((hugs)))).

Emma2370 · December 2013

So sorry your dealing with this, I would agree with others and say you did not overreact. Your cousins delivery of the news was not at all sensitive to your situation. And the " our family will finally have a baby" well if that was said to me I probably said the same thing. I am so sorry your hurting.(((hugs))) (Edit for clarity)

PinkCamino · December 2013

Thanks loves. I spoke to my grandfather and although he agrees with me, he wants me to make peace. This specific cousin is totally batshit crazy when it comes to things like this. Disagreements are perceived as attacks by her. I think that my reaction came from a super emotional place. I'm facing my 2nd EDD at the end of this coming week and although the family doesn't know about my second loss I still didn't feel that the "finally" comment was necessary. It was totally inconsiderate of my feelings and the fact that our family actually did have a first set of babies.

I had a lengthy conversation with my Mom this morning too and she agrees that no apology is necessary. She did say that maybe I should send cousin an email explaining why I reacted the way I did. Maybe that will help cousin understand how horrible that comment felt to me.

Thank you for all your kind words. (((hugs)))

MrsHamon09 · December 2013

((Hugs)) I agree with PP in that you did not overreact at all. I think an email like you said would be a great way of putting all in writing about how what was said was so hurtful. More ((hugs)) lady!

libby+nate · December 2013

Huge hugs PC, I think it's bullshit they expect you to apologize (this post earned my first curse word on the bump) I believe it was almost your motherly instinct to protect your little girls from being forgotten. Peace is better for everyone, so I agree with mom that a nice email explaining things would help smooth it over. You are facing a lot of emotions with an EDD and the holidays. It may almost be therapeutic for you in a way to let it out. Best of luck with whatever decision you make. I would also maybe call cousin (expecting) and make sure she doesn't just get other cousin's side of the story, or shoot her an email too. I'll be thinking of you!

taberbtb · December 2013

Big ((((Hugs)))) PC. I don't think you over reacted at all. While her initial excitement may have been in poor taste, I understand how easy it is to get caught up in something and act in a way that is not appropriate considering her audience. That being said, her comment about there "finally being a baby in the family" is completely out of line, and never appropriate! That is when I would have lost my sh*t on her! I also would not be apologizing to anybody for a comment like that. That is so rude and hurtful and just plain inconsiderate. I am not usually a violent person but I would probably punch her out if it were in person (not encouraging this, just saying that's how angry it would make me)!

ngolimento · December 2013

I'm sorry they were insensitive, but I do think maybe she didn't mean it the way it sounded (though it was definitively stupid to say). She doesn't necessarily have to forget your babies to be happy a new one is on it's way.

I think you might want to work out a polite but firm convo ender ahead of time if someone says something like this again. People will never react well to swearing, and it will turn into an ugly convo that will leave you feeling even worse.

*hugs* I hope your family collectively gets their heads out of their butts, and things work out for you.

Unknown · December 2013

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dajhughes · December 2013

(((HUG))) I am so sorry you're dealing with family drama. I don't think you overreacted at all in fact you were probably nicer than I would have been. I like your mom's idea of an email...maybe that way she'll read and understand. I imagine that in an in person conversation she might get defensive and stop listening. Sorry dear, hope it all works out.

ETA: typo

Drgn30 · December 2013

((Hugs)) pink. Sounds like both you and your cousin were caught up in emotions during the call. Please don't be too hard on yourself. I would suggest apologizing for the way in which u communicated your thoughts to her, but that you stand by your original feelings.

MrsG80inTN · December 2013

Hugs! I don't think you were overreacting. I'm so sorry you were out in that situation and that your cousin was so insensitive.

luciddreamer106 · December 2013

I don't think that you overreacted. She's your cousin and she should have known that was an insensitive thing to say. I think it would have been difficult to calmly tell her how you felt at the time. I don't think you need to apologize, but maybe call and explain why you're so upset.

jap618 · December 2013

((hugs)) love

I'm sorry you're having to deal with such inconsiderate people. I'm glad the conversations with your grandfather & mother went well and hopefully when you explain it to your cousin she can begin to understand why what she said was so hurtful.

Caz1984 · December 2013

I would have reacted exactly the same way , I really don't think you need to apologise. Talk to your cousin, shel understand where your coming from. Huge ((hugs)) coming your way

Frenchteachermama · December 2013

You did not overreact at all. I agree with PP about calling your cousin who is pregnant and congratulating her personally, she is the only one who needs to know that you are very happy for her.

My identical twin sister called me this week to tell that she's pregnant. It's more anger and hurt that I'm feeling. She has 3 children and is seriously struggling financially so she decides to actively try for a 4th. And of course now I'm the bad sister for not being happy for her and not reacting the way she wanted me to. It's such a horrible situation to be in.

Sending you a million hugs.

BethKate2 · December 2013

I don't blame you for reacting the way you did. She was insensitive. I also think it was unfair of her to tattle to your grandfather. You're adults and he shouldn't be forced to get in the middle.

LizBlue · December 2013

((Hugs)) PC. This stuff is so hard and I don't think you overreacted or even if it matters if you did. Insensitivity sometimes hurts the worst. I think it's a good thing you made your feelings known and I hope it smooths out soon.

nightowl1989 · December 2013

Just my 2c... I understand her excitement. Babies are great, but the fact that she went off like that without the least bit of concern for you wasn't very nice at all. She blindsided you and then was insensitive about your losses. And then to go to your grandfather...

No I don't think you overreacted. She pushed a button. It's not your fault that you've suffered loss, and it will probably always be a sensitive topic. Now, the situation definitely needs to be diffused. My best suggestion there is to calmly explain that it's hard for you and why. It's not all rainbows and unicorns. Best of luck with your family and hugs. I hope your Christmas makes up for this!

heathersf11 · December 2013

You are not overreacting at all. Do you have to see this cousin or the cousin who is expecting on Christmas? I would give it a day or more and let your feelings settle a little and then write your cousin an email as others have suggested.

I'm a teacher and have found that "I-statements" are a great way to resolve conflict without placing blame. We frame classroom discussions around "I feel__________when you_________and I need you to ___________." The other person then counters by also using an I-statement. Good luck. I'm sorry your family isn't being more sensitive.

Waliany2015 · December 2013

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with your family. I agree with what others have said to calmly explain your feelings. If that doesn't work just know to guard yourself from that family member. Try your best to stay calm, while she is talking try to just listen instead of thinking of what to say next. Hugs!

megrae12 · December 2013

I am so sorry. I dont think you overreacted at all. I prolly would have done worse. So many ((Hugs)) to you.

Edited: spelling.

stefuge · December 2013

I don't think you overreacted - it was insensitive of her to call and say that. People can say horrible things and we are just expected to sit back and be polite. Good for you for standing up for your girls. ((Hugs))

peggels24 · December 2013

I concur with the PPs. ((Hugs)) to you. I am sorry that you had to deal with all of this. And the daft that your cousin called your grandfather makes me mad.

gingerkid9989 · December 2013

((Hugs)) I'm sorry pink. I don't think you overreacted either. Such an inconsiderate thing your cousin said.

irons633 · December 2013

(((Hugs))) I do not think you overreacted at all. Its just sad that people forget so quickly the losses you have suffered and they think they can say things without thinking and not realizing that its hurtful. Your cousin should understand you getting upset and she should apologize to you for making a comment that was hurtful.

Danielle0311 · December 2013

Wow I am so so sorry for the way that she treated you. I feel like after a loss so many people just want you to "get over it" because maybe people feel awkward or just don't like having to talk about it but that is not okay for her to belittle your pain just because someone else got their BFP. She showed no empathy for your situation and I do not believe you owe her an apology I believe she owes you one. People can be so thoughtless I'm so sorry.

rmpar29 · December 2013

((HUGS)) PC!!! I don't think that you overreacted, but maybe there was a better way to express your feelings. Maybe an email to your cousin to explain your reaction would be beneficial. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this and I'm glad that your mom and grandfather are supporting you in this. Please take care of yourself love!

QuigleyCat1 · December 2013

Oh my gosh. I'm sending the biggest HUG to you.

SamanthaLaura16 · December 2013

Big ((HUGS)) to you! I don't think that you overreacted, they knew who they were calling. I agree with everyone else that was insensitive of her.

p3ngu1nn · December 2013

((Hugs)) to you and throat punch to her! I don't think you overreacted at all, she had no right to say what she did or how she did. I can understand your grandfather wanting you to make peace, especially around the holidays but I also think that she should apologize and try to be more sensitive in the future.

Lily9911 · December 2013

@pinkcamino I don't think you overreacted at all. How are you suppose to react when someone kinda throws it in your face that a family member is "finally" having a baby?

My SIL had an IUD in her and winded up getting pregnant, she called me to tell me all about it knowing that DH and I have ACTUALLY been trying. You better believe I was annoyed! Of course at that time I had no idea that I could actually get pregnant, but I really thought something was wrong with us. And to hear that someone is pregnant and they were trying to PREVENT pregnancy, I was fuming.

I have a hard time with my DH not remembering our little one. I know it was an early MC, but he just wants to forget the entire thing, where I don't. Everyone else in the family doesn't even acknowledge what happened. It's tough.

It sucks because my SIL went through an early m/c also, and she will tell me "I know it's hard but you move on from it" yea...you might move on from it when you're pregnant again but even that seems wrong to me. Sorry but it was a living thing inside of you and now it's gone, I don't care if it was 10 weeks or less, it was still there- acknowledge and remember it.

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