- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
May 2014 Moms
Found out the sex, now depressed - Help
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Found out the sex, now depressed - Help
I heart you so much right now!
And it's über.
But seriously, I've seen plenty of people "mourn" the loss of the idealized child they had, and move on to have happy pregnancies and bonds with their kids. So it's not that abnormal. But if you feel that these feelings persist, to back up PPs, get a professional to help you IRL as it might be something more serious manifesting itself through this. *hugs* and T&Ps!
Sorry... Call me crazy but I'm Not sugar coating my response like everyone else. It's oober offensive to those of us who have suffered infertility of loss! Our generation is so ungrateful. I agree, she does need to seek out help....I can't imagine feeling like that!
Well I have experienced loss and I am really not of your generation... And I am sympathetic to the OP.. she never said she was not happy to be having a baby. She is going through an emotional time and trying to cope with that and has come here to get support from others who may have been through this ... And as I said I do feel her pain ... And as I was sorting through my disappointment about having a boy we also had to worry that there also may be something wrong with him at the same time ... Lucky for us our tests came back normal... Try empathy sometimes it may open up a brand new world for you ...
* edit * I hate when quotes don't work !!
Well, guess what!?! We're having a boy. And while I'm sad I won't have a little girl and get to experience all that comes with them, I am starting to realize all the fun that I'm going to have with a boy running around the house, and I love how excited the guys in my family are to have another boy to hunt/fish/play sports/teach mechanics/carpentry/motocross...
It's okay to be sad, there's still a small twinge in my chest when I see cute little girl clothes. But if you feel so deeply, I definitely agree with PPs (minus the crazy) and recommend finding a professional to talk to who may be able to help you realize where these feelings are coming from and to see how wonderful it will actually be.
*Hugs*
At the end of the day, this is your baby. No matter the sex. At the end of the day you will still smile, laugh, worry, snuggle and love all because of this baby. I understand the disappointment you may be feeling but as a mom with boys I can tell you that it is an amazing feeling to have that little baby look you in the eyes everyday! Keep your head up love! It may seem like a disappointment now, but here soon you will forget that feeling and be filled with so much unexplainable love!
As the mother of a wonderful little boy, I am going to agree with all of the pp's that have said boys are great. I love my son beyond all measure, he is intelligent and kind hearted, and he is such a mommas boy. I can't even imagine not having him. You will love your child because he is your child. And it won't matter what sex organ he happens to have.
It's okay to grieve the loss of your dream or hope to have a girl. I do hope that you and your partner are able to also begin seeing the joys that come with being parents to your little boy in your own time.
While I appreciate that everyone here comes from different experiences, I do not think it is fair to compare loss histories with situations like this one.
Please do not feel that you are alone in this. I think it happens to a lot of people, but it is taboo to talk about. I was crushed when we found out our first was a boy. We were just like you and both wanted a girl. I got the "Oh you'll love him so much when he comes out" speech so many times from the people I confessed this too. That doesn't help in the moment. I finally found one person who went through the same thing and was able to really talk to me about it and make me feel like less of a jackass for being disappointed.
This time around we have a u/s guess of a boy already and I would be a big fat liar if I said I wasn't praying she made a mistake and we get different results at our next u/s. Will I love the child any less if its a boy? Absolutely not. Look at the monkey in my signature picture, if he's anything like that I'm in trouble because we have too much adorableness in the house already.
Here is a blog post a friend shared with me that hits the nail on the head: https://soccermom-ish.blogspot.com/2013/10/gender-disappointment-im-talking-about.html
Just remember you are not alone. You are not and will not be a bad parent. If you want to talk more feel free to PM me. I have been there and know how tough it is. You feel so isolated and can't really talk about it.
09/23/11 - Married DH
04/01/13 - BFP at 4wks
05/30/13 - MMC - BO @ 12wks 5d
08/29/13 - BFP @ 4wks 4d
09/17/13 - 7wks 2d - Normal HB Detected! Baby measuring perfect for dates and positioning!
10/23/13 - 12wks 3d - Perfect NT scan! HB 167 & baby wriggling, waving & yawning!
12/17/13 - 20wks 2 d - We're having a beautiful baby girl! Go Team Pink!
05/03/14 - Bobbie Gloria was born at 39+6 weighing 6lb 14oz!
As others have stated reach out to someone IRL to talk to about this. And in the mean time lurk a bit and let us get to know you more. You may find these boards helpful for many things.
Can I also say I am happy to see so many encouraging posts. Someone mentioned "troll" butat least its not someone declaring "you're all mean to me" after such nice responses.
Vote on Baby Andrew Names
I Don't Blog, I Keek
Now I have a ds and am pregnant with ds2. And I am crazy about my little boy. Your opinion will totally change when your baby arrives, I promise. All of the sudden everything little boy will rock and all those little boy outfits (overalls, little suits, etc.) will seem way cuter than all those over-sized bows...I even started to think it was way cooler to be a Mom to a boy.
I will admit that I was even a little sad again when I heard that this one was a 2nd ds, but now I am back on the boys rock kick. I don't have time to add much more other than just to say that it will all change when he arrives...I absolutely promise.
2011: FSH 13.3 & E 99; AMH 0.54 2nd FSH 6.2 E 40's AFC: 8
BFP from Clomid/IUI ~ Pre-e and IUGR during pregnancy ~ DS born 9/4/12
Feb./March 2013: AMH less than 0.16 (undectable) and AFC = 4;
BFP from supps ~ DS#2 due May 2014
May 2014 January Siggy Challenge:
2011: FSH 13.3 & E 99; AMH 0.54 2nd FSH 6.2 E 40's AFC: 8
BFP from Clomid/IUI ~ Pre-e and IUGR during pregnancy ~ DS born 9/4/12
Feb./March 2013: AMH less than 0.16 (undectable) and AFC = 4;
BFP from supps ~ DS#2 due May 2014
May 2014 January Siggy Challenge:
I'm a mental health professional, and the things you're describing are extremely normal when you lose something. Whether that something is a person in your life or a life-long dream, mourning happens. You can mourn all kinds of things: the loss of someone special, the loss of a job, the loss of a dream, and even just the loss of who you are/were/thought you'd be as a person. Equating what you're feeling to the feeling you get when someone dies is very realistic. Now, with all that being said, I think you should work on mourning and sorting out your emotions over the next 5-6 months. You're about to enter (probably) one of the most challenging stages in you're life, and (I'm sorry to those lovey dovey women telling you you'll take one look at him and instantly be happy) if you don't have some of your mourning and depression under control, it's going to be that much more difficult for you. And I hate to say it, but it will be that much more difficult for your child throughout his life if you don't address some of this now. Keep in mind mourning is a process, and this won't go away overnight. You may even backslide into some sad thoughts and negative feelings when your son is born, but beginning the process now will drastically help you and your family down the road. Don't get me wrong, you may hold your son in your arms for the first time, fall instantly in love, and wonder why you felt so bad in the first place. That would be awesome, and I would LOVE for that to be your experience! But do you really want to bank your and your family's happiness and future on that hope? Talk to someone. Start the mourning process. I hope it helps you. Good luck.
anyway, so sorry you're feeling this way, OP. i know that DH has been all amped up hoping for a girl and i've caught that bug a bit as well, but as we get closer to the AS i keep reminding him (and myself) that we will be blessed regardless. totally agree with PPs who have suggested talking to someone IRL, namely a professional. I'm sure your OB would be more than willing to recommend someone for you, or even offer some helpful advice as they have likely experienced this with other patients before. hugs to you!
also @btcruiserlove, WTH does this have to do with "first world problems"??? child bearing isn't a first world luxury or something. women are not immune to infertility, loss, high risk pregnancies and the like just because of their geographical location. although you may not understand the emotions of OP, doesn't give you the right to deem her ungrateful.
you suck.
When you want something so badly and you find out it is something else, it is HUMAN to feel disappointment...add some pregnancy hormones in and I am sure it's a recipe for the dramatic...I mean, I cried when I realized that today was Thursday and not Friday today...REAL TEARS! Then I was ecstatic because it gives me another day to figure out Christmas. All within a two minute span.
That being said, after a few days, if you truly feel that devastated, I think you should talk to someone.
My first pregnancy, I wanted a little girl. So badly. I grew up without a mother and the bond I was so desperate to have meant that it HAD TO be a girl. I never even thought about my husband in the process. When we found out it was a girl, I was obviously over the moon and although for a fleeting moment he seemed upset, he shared the joy of having a little girl to love. A few months later when my nephew was in the hospital...we saw a little baby waiting for a liver transplant. So tiny and yellow...my husband started to cry. When I asked him why, he told me he was ashamed that he had the feelings that he had initially when we found out the sex of the baby. How it was selfish and wrong. And it broke my heart.
This pregnancy, I just wanted healthy and I didn't care...when we found out it was a boy my husband cried again (what a little bitch he sounds like right now)....he cried because he ONLY wanted healthy, but he was happy to have a little boy...and you know what, that's OK. Wishing for one sex or the other DOES NOT mean you aren't 100% on board for anything but a healthy, amazing child that you will love to the end of the earth.
It's how you process the info once you are team Vagina or Penis...and that's where I wish you well and send lots of hugs.
I wasn't trying to compare loss histories just let the OP know that posters of the "your baby is alive so shut-up" variety have had a different experience that clouds their thoughts on the post. Gender disappointment could lead to depression as any type of grief can if not properly worked through so I just wanted the OP to know she should get assistance if she isn't able to work through her feelings. Not trying to have a pissing contest about loss or IF or anything of the nature, because they all suck and aren't fair.
Today they have an almost two-year-old boy that they love dearly, and while they both wish they could have a girl, they are (most of the times... boys are a handful!) very grateful for their sons. I'd like to say it'll all work itself out, but everyone is different. In her case, it just took time to sort of get used to the idea.
Best of luck to you
Thank you for everyone's honest feedback. I have made an appointment to talk with a professional. I feel even more guilty, but last night went to the store and almost had a melt down when I saw little girls.
To those I am not a troll and really was looking for others who had the same feelings. Yes I have never posted on here before as I just recently discovered the bump and did not realize it linked to an old account I had with the knot. Which I joined when I got engaged.
Thanks again for the feedback.
Forreals. Multiple people said a lot of what you said @cal1007. I would say most of the responses were realistic and validating. This board isn't meant to replace therapy which is why so many people suggested she talk to a professional.
I agree with a lot I what you said but be aware that nobody here claims this place to be the "lovey dovey lady" hang out. So are we being lovey dovey or unsupportive? I'm not sure what you're labeling me as.
Speaking as a mental health professional myself, you also need to know your boundaries. It's not always appropriate to put on your "therapy hat". And here I'm just another woman trying chat with other pregnant women.
I would talk to someone before the baby is born if you have pretty strong sadness.