Shower etiquette question

rockstarlaw · December 2013

I probably should have asked this earlier, but I'm curious if I made the right decision...

Some lovely friends of mine are throwing me a shower and asked for a guest list. I moved to the area about two years ago and many, many of my close friends live far away (as in requiring a plane trip or 10+ hour drive). The list I gave was short, about 17 people and includes only local people (including grandma to be - dad's mom) with the exception of my mom & sister-in-law. I elected not to have my friends send invites to friends or family who are not close because I knew people wouldn't come and I didn't want to seem like I was fishing for a gift. I am not!

My only worry is that long-distance friends/family may feel slighted for not being invited...but I wouldn't feel slighted, and can't recall being invited to their showers, though I sent gifts around the time babies were born.

Was this the right way to approach this? Perhaps I should mention the shower is really early (Jan 4th, I'm not due until April 30) because one of my friends who is friends with this group lives out of the country & will be visiting for the holidays, so we wanted her there. Also, this kind of added to the decision not to invite out-of-towners because I knew even if they wanted to travel - it's the holidays with their families too!

So, did I do the right thing? Or commit a faux pas? Thanks!

RebeccaY1 · December 2013

I had my shower on Nov. 23, also very early but I travelled 9 hours to attend. I have family all over Canada and the USA and chose to invite all of them. I didn't really expect others to travel for the shower, but I wasn't sure how to invite some family and exclude others. It may have seemed like I was fishing for gifts, which wasn't the intention, but I figured that I'd rather invite them than exclude them.

snmetz7 · December 2013

idk what is "proper" but I have a lot of friends all across the country. none of them are getting invites to my shower. the only out of towners who are getting invites are my aunts and cousins who I know wont come, but we always send out big event invites to everyone in my family.

Dixon813 · December 2013

I was just thinking about this the other day. In one group of friends, I have a couple that live out of state that wouldn't travel in for the shower, but I wasn't sure if they're feel slighted by not getting the invitation...

I think in the end (I haven't spent much time on my guest list) I'll send invites to people who I really would want to be there, even if they are out of town and won't travel in (if that makes sense...)

Jesster11 · December 2013

I think that sounds okay. I'm not planning on invites going to many out of town family members or friends either.

If there is anyone you are very, very close to, then maybe send them an invite too, but call them to say you know they probably can't make it and don't expect a gift, but you just wanted to make sure they didn't feel excluded?

J&NL · December 2013

I don't think I would mention the shower to your family. If they ask then explain that your friends are throwing you one for the friends and family you have locally. I don't think anyone would feel upset because you didn't invite them to a shower that required a 10+ hour drive.

sking72 · December 2013

I think that's ok. I did send invites to people I was pretty sure wouldn't come, but I don't think it's necessary. Maybe message your friends in different areas and explain to them. Say something along the lines of "While I understand because of distance that my baby shower would be difficult for you to attend, I am still thinking of you and wish you could be here. Let me know when you will be in town and we could go out to lunch together. And of course I hope you will be able to visit once the little one arrives! Miss you"

MissWhis · December 2013

I'm glad you asked this. I have been mulling over the same question. I want the out-of-towners to feel thought of, welcome, and part of celebrating this baby, but I don't want them to feel obligated to make a trip for a silly shower, or to come across as gift-grabby.

I still have some time to figure it out, though.

zazu13 · December 2013

I mentioned the shower to one of my long distance friends and asked if she'd like to be invited even though I knew she wouldn''t be able to make it. To my surprise, she said she was planning a trip anyway (She has family near me) and she would go ahead and plan it so she could come to the shower!

Maybe just mention it to them and see what they say.

spano41 · December 2013

I struggled with this A LOT for my bridal shower. I ended up sending invitations to some out of town guests. Two did end up flying in. It also helped that we were doing a recipe shower where everyone brings one of their favorite recipes and then something you use to make that recipe (ingredient or tool). It was easy for people to feel like they were at least participating by sending in a recipe even if they didn't want to send a gift and I didn't have to offend anyone by leaving them out. You could try to do something like that.....like have people decorate a square for a quilt or send their favorite book or something small that makes people feel like they can participate with out being there and spending a lot of money. IDK....showers always bring up awkward social issues like this.

pdilly2b · December 2013

I agree with your approach. I've gotten shower invites for my cousins' babies in the past that would require an expensive plane ride and I've always interpreted it as asking for a gift (or course, I have outside information leading me to that conclusion also).

Emily041285 · December 2013

I actually only invited one friend who I knew wouldn't be able to make it due to distance, but she did the same for me for her shower. And she's my BFF, so I think she would've been peeved had she not been invited.

My mother did invite a few family members from out of town that I doubt she expects to be there. But that's kinda the norm for our family. Everyone wants to be included in everything.( we got invited to a cousin's graduation in GA when we live in OK) Has someone in your family had a shower and invited you? I would take my cue from them honestly.

chichi589 · December 2013

In this situation I think I would send out the invitations to out of towners but include a note that you don't expect them to come but you want them to know how important they are to you and your baby. That way they don't feel obligated but they are included in your excitement:) I also send invitations for my DDs bday parties to her great aunts because they like knowing what's going on even though they aren't local.

rbrouillard · December 2013

I only have two out if state friends. One lives in NYC and I live in CA. I saw her a few weeks ago and she said she was in town the month I am having so I sent her one. I also have a friend in Arizona. She asked about a shower but doesn't know if she'll make it so sending one anyway. If not for these specific situations I may not send have sent them.

sking72 · December 2013

Here's some pregnancy brain humor for you: I saw the title of this thread today and said to myself, that's weird, I don't remember reading anything about rules about taking a shower...sounds funny. Opened it, read it, realized I not only read it yesterday but responded and remembered that yesterday I thought this was a post about manners while taking a shower...whoops.

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