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Parenting after a Loss
ProfessorPedals825
member
NBR: Advice needed on my estranged father (LONG)
ProfessorPedals825
member
I could really use some advice about contacting my estranged father. My father was an alcoholic and abusive toward my mother and brother. They divorced when I was 14, and we've hardly talked since then. He's been mainly homeless since then or just staying with family or friends. I used to feel sorry for him around Christmas time when I was younger. In high school I remember taking him some extra blankets on this really cold night when he was living in a tent down by the river. It was so sad, and I'd be ready to forgive him for my awful childhood, then he'd go do something stupid and get thrown in jail again. It took a lot of convincing to even invite him to our wedding. He did not walk me down the aisle, my brother did. I asked him not to drink at the wedding and he threw a fit. I told him he could choose to leave so he can go drink or stay sober and stay at the wedding. He choose to leave. That was 8 years ago, and I haven't talked to him since.
Well, this past Thanksgiving I got in invite from my father's side of the family to come visit. My brother and I were very hesistant. He even told me that this side of our family was never there for us when my dad was being an idiot and why would I even want to see them. I told him it's because now I have a beautiful daughter, and I want to show her off. He agreed and we went over there for an hour. My dad was not there (thank goodness), but I found out it's because he's in jail again. This time it doesn't look like he's getting out any time soon. One of his sisters told me that she got a phone call from him, and he was super excited to find out that I had a baby. She said he was so proud. Ugh... so, finally to my questions: Do I contact him? Do I send a Christmas card to him in jail? I want to be civil but then again I keep thinking, he doesn't deserve to see a picture of her. I'm feeling very torn because I feel like I need to finally let all of those bad feelings go, but then I think he's in jail for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. He hasn't learned from his mistakes and he's never going to change. And if I do contact him, what do I even say?
Sorry for the novel. Any advice is much appreciated. And here are some cookies for getting through this entire post.
*** aka: andreahshields ***
*** July Siggy Challenge - Cake Wrecks ***
BFP#1 3/8/12; diagnosed w/ Anencephaly at 12w6d; D&C 5/9/12
BFP#2 7/18/12; A/S 10/26/12 It's a Girl! EDD 3/29/13
Phoebe Jordan Born 3/20/13
This discussion has been closed.
Re: NBR: Advice needed on my estranged father (LONG)
Yeah, thats the dilemma. I"m not sure I really want her to know him, but he is family and I want her to know how important family is.
*** aka: andreahshields ***
*** July Siggy Challenge - Cake Wrecks ***
BFP#1 3/8/12; diagnosed w/ Anencephaly at 12w6d; D&C 5/9/12
BFP#2 7/18/12; A/S 10/26/12 It's a Girl! EDD 3/29/13
Phoebe Jordan Born 3/20/13
*** aka: andreahshields ***
*** July Siggy Challenge - Cake Wrecks ***
BFP#1 3/8/12; diagnosed w/ Anencephaly at 12w6d; D&C 5/9/12
BFP#2 7/18/12; A/S 10/26/12 It's a Girl! EDD 3/29/13
Phoebe Jordan Born 3/20/13
BFP#1 11/12/11 ~ No heartbeat 12/12/11 ~ D&C 12/19/11
BFP#2 3/25/12 ~ Heartbeat 141 4/16/12 ~ No heartbeat 4/25/12 ~ D&C 04/30/12
BFP#3 7/16/12 ~ EDD 3/26/13 ~ It's a BOY ~ DOB 2/26/13
TTC since 7/10, BFP#1~6/28/11(4wks2d)~EDD 3/4/12, missed m/c(8wks)~8/12/11, D&C~8/16/11
BFP#2~12/15/11~EDD 8/25/12, Hannah born 8/22/12~ 7lbs 10oz & 21 in. long.
BFP#3~1/12/14~EDD 9/23/14, Found out baby is a girl!~4/18/14
|| [url=http;//www.fertilityfriend.com[url=http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/34aafc/]My Ovulation Chart[/url] || [url=http;//www.fertilityfriend.com]Ovulation Chart[/url]You hit the nail on the head when you wrote "He hasn't learned from his mistakes and he's never going to change." If you can remember than, then I think that you should contact him in whatever way you feel comfortable with. You will need to know before hand how deep into a relationship you would be willing to go (if that is what he wants) and be prepared for him to also let you down again (because history often repeates itself.)
It is hard to give advice because I lost my father when I was 14 and would give anything to have a chance to have him back, yet I have been dealing with an alcoholic husband for 10 years, who this year just now is starting to receive treatment and actually stay sober. So I know how awful it can be to deal with that.
Just follow your heart (as corny as that sounds), if you want to send him a picture of your daughter then send him a picture of her. Not becuase he "deserves it" but because you wanted too.