NBR: Advice needed on my estranged father (LONG)

ProfessorPedals825

I could really use some advice about contacting my estranged father.  My father was an alcoholic and abusive toward my mother and brother.  They divorced when I was 14, and we've hardly talked since then.  He's been mainly homeless since then or just staying with family or friends.  I used to feel sorry for him around Christmas time when I was younger.  In high school I remember taking him some extra blankets on this really cold night when he was living in a tent down by the river.  It was so sad, and I'd be ready to forgive him for my awful childhood, then he'd go do something stupid and get thrown in jail again.  It took a lot of convincing to even invite him to our wedding.  He did not walk me down the aisle, my brother did.  I asked him not to drink at the wedding and he threw a fit.  I told him he could choose to leave so he can go drink or stay sober and stay at the wedding.  He choose to leave.  That was 8 years ago, and I haven't talked to him since.

Well, this past Thanksgiving I got in invite from my father's side of the family to come visit.  My brother and I were very hesistant.  He even told me that this side of our family was never there for us when my dad was being an idiot and why would I even want to see them.  I told him it's because now I have a beautiful daughter, and I want to show her off.  He agreed and we went over there for an hour.  My dad was not there (thank goodness), but I found out it's because he's in jail again.  This time it doesn't look like he's getting out any time soon.  One of his sisters told me that she got a phone call from him, and he was super excited to find out that I had a baby.  She said he was so proud.  Ugh... so, finally to my questions: Do I contact him?  Do I send a Christmas card to him in jail?  I want to be civil but then again I keep thinking, he doesn't deserve to see a picture of her.  I'm feeling very torn because I feel like I need to finally let all of those bad feelings go, but then I think he's in jail for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.  He hasn't learned from his mistakes and he's never going to change.  And if I do contact him, what do I even say?

Sorry for the novel.  Any advice is much appreciated.  And here are some cookies for getting through this entire post.

ProfessorPedals825

Yeah, thats the dilemma.  I"m not sure I really want her to know him, but he is family and I want her to know how important family is.

ProfessorPedals825

Thank you ladies so much.  I'm so glad that I have a safe place to come ask this type of thing.  I love you all!  So, I think I'm going to wait.  He knows that he has a grand-daughter.  If once he's out and if he attempts to contact us, I'll consider letting him meet her.  At least this year, my brother and I actually saw that side of the family.  I think that's a good first step in all of this.  Seeing my grandmother and letting her meet her great-granddaughter was a good feeling.  I need to make sure I don't overwhelm myself and just take it a bit at a time.

Mmm79

I'm late on this, but it sounds like yo have come to a great compromise that works for you.  Big ((hugs)).  

charmedgrl517

(Hugs) I also don't have contact with my father. It's my choice for similar reasons and I don't regret it because he chose his life not me. I don't want my daughter having to deal with a grandfather that is careless and selfish. We have plenty of other caring family that make up for the one (my father) being estranged. To me it's just not worth it since it's been 25+ years and he hasn't learned his lesson or changed. I just focus on my family that is always here for us!

chloebeth930

You hit the nail on the head when you wrote "He hasn't learned from his mistakes and he's never going to change."  If you can remember than, then I think that you should contact him in whatever way you feel comfortable with.  You will need to know before hand how deep into a relationship you would be willing to go (if that is what he wants) and be prepared for him to also let you down again (because history often repeates itself.)

It is hard to give advice because I lost my father when I was 14 and would give anything to have a chance to have him back, yet I have been dealing with an alcoholic husband for 10 years, who this year just now is starting to receive treatment and actually stay sober.  So I know how awful it can be to deal with that.

Just follow your heart (as corny as that sounds), if you want to send him a picture of your daughter then send him a picture of her.  Not becuase he "deserves it" but because you wanted too.