2nd angelversary... rainbow baby mentioned

lrichmond86 · December 2013

How time flies! Today it has been two years since we found out that our sweet boy had died. Tomorrow will be two years from his birthday and the last time I held him in my arms. Everyone around me talks about tomorrow like it Will the the "difficult" day, and it will. But for me today is harder. I count the minutes. "This is when I stopped feeling him move. This is when we left for the doctor. This is when I knew he was gone. This is when they did the ultrasound to be sure. " On and on all day. I'm pretty sure I could recount every minute. I know what socks I was wearing. I remember the nurse who came in and hugged me. I remember stopping at the gas station on the way to the hospital and calling a co worker to tell them why I wouldn't be in. Having to wait until the next day to deliver was agony.

An acquaintance on Facebook recently posted that she's tired of all the negativity of the people around her. She has never experienced a tragic personal loss and I want to shake her and say, "don't you know how much this hurts? How can I be happy today when I will never hold my child again!?" My daughter is my saving grace... the bright spot on this miserable, dark day. She's so happy and beautiful and brings so much joy. I am so thankful for her. And when people tell me that she must fix this, it feels like a knife in my heart. Yes, I love her. Yes, she is a blessing. Yes, she brings more joy than I could have ever imagined. But she is not my son. She is not a replacement baby. To think of her as such cheapens my love for both of them and I refuse to do it.

So, what's the point of all this... I don't know. To get it out there on a day that no one else remembers but me. To feel better about my feelings I suppose. Because I know that this is one place where others will understand.

I love you, sweet boy. I miss you every day. Take care of your sister and this new baby growing and we'll see you when we see you! Xoxo

kz's_girlygirl · December 2013

Your post is just beautiful. You won't be alone as you get through today and remember the magic of your son. I'll be sending you lots if thoughts for comfort and peace.

princezjk · December 2013

Sending lots of (((hugs))) on a very difficult day.

BrittianyM · December 2013

Beautifuly stated. Thinking of you and your sweet boy today and tomorrow. Hugs!

bunnybun4 · December 2013

hugs to you today and tomorrow...happy angelversay baby gary!

Noethola · December 2013

***Siggy warning***

You stated everything perfectly. You cannot cheapen the love you have for your daughter by saying she is a replacement of your son. They are different people and always will be. I took think the days leading up are harder. (Thinking about knowing they were alive and fine, that last appointment where you heard their heartbeat, finding out something was wrong, the day before delivery and all that went into it.) Those memories are so much harder for me than the memories I have of actually holding her, seeing her face and exploring her body to memorize every piece of it.

Thinking of you today and tomorrow. Praying for peace in the midst of the emotional storm.

jbranden12 · December 2013

((hugs))

Mrs Nice · December 2013

BIG BIG (((HUGS))) to you today & tomorrow!! We won't forget baby Gary.

I completely understand what you are saying about others misunderstanding and thinking of your Rainbow Baby as a "replacement". It is like a stab to the heart but I don't think that there is anyway to make them understand. You know the truth. We know the truth. And perhaps most important of all, your children know the truth. They know your love for them and that is what matters.

I hope you find some peace through the next few days. We are here for you!!

stefuge · December 2013

**DS mentioned**

Well stated! People say similar things to us "at least you have Landon" - like that somehow makes my love and pain for Colton easier. I know I am blessed to have a living child, but don't tell me that I can't still hurt over losing Colton.

Thinking of you on these difficult days. Thank you for sharing, we all understand, as much as we can, and will be thinking of you. ((Hugs))

schulme2 · December 2013

I'm so sorry. What you wrote was beautiful. Sending prayers and hugs to you today!

Heatherhah · December 2013

Thinking of you !!!

cawettig · December 2013

I am so sorry, BIG HUGS! A lot of people tell me the same thing about my oldest DD and DS. It frustrates me when they do. They just think since we have other children our hole in our hearts is filled. It is not and never will be filled.

Thinking of you and your sweet baby boy you lost.

ajsweeton · December 2013

*****Siggy Warning*****Pregnancy mentioned*****

I completely understand how you feel I think that most people around me expect me not to be sad about Elliott and Ryland because I'm pregnant now, but these babies are most definitely not a replacement. They never will be and I miss my boys just as much if not more now than I did. Your sweet boy will never be forgotten. Big HUGS to you.