Need to Vent

Cappuccino1987 · December 2013

So I moved back home from Australia to have my baby here in CA. I decided to come home so that my family could be around for the baby because no one could afford to fly to AU to visit. My mom has always tried to be controlling. Everything from my clothes, my words, where I went, etc. After being gone I thought she had changed. NOPE. Ever since I came back my mom is on me about how much weight I'm putting on, what I'm eating, etc. Mind you, this is the first pregnancy in the immediate family in 23 years! I thought she'd be more supportive! Well anyways as soon as I came back the day I arrived she tells me, "You're too big for how many weeks you are." I came home at 17 weeks. I was all bump at the time. She then says you need to stop eating so much. My fiance overheard this and said my weight was perfectly normal and that the baby just has long legs, which we verified by sono. Now, weeks later, my mom is back on calling me fat and saying I need to stop eating because I won't be able to lose it once baby comes. Ladies I am 5'8 145 lbs!!! I started pregnancy at 135-140ish and still get morning sickness to this day! When I do eat I try to eat a full meal and some snacks to give baby some nutrition back. I snack on healthy things like bananas, oranges, etc. I told my mom the baby I felt the baby higher today and she says the only reason I feel like that is because I'm getting to big. I'm just like WTF. All my weight is literally in my womb. I do not look like I've gained a lick of weight. I still fit the same size clothes I did pre-preg. She insists on buying me mediums when I am a small because she says I'm getting huge. She claims I'm going to get really big the last trimester, which I know, but til then she's laying on the guilt. I go to eat something and she says to me, "are you going to eat all of that? I was your size when I was 8 months pregnant." She is 5'6! I have some height on me and proportioned! Nonetheless her constant battering me on how much weight I'm going to gain breaks my heart. I've been getting so insecure and I know I'm not even close to the recommended weight preg women are supposed to gain. She also gets on me about how I look saying other pregnant women look radiant and beautiful. She tries to show me magazines of these other pregnant girls and says I need to use them as an example. Every time I go somewhere she expects me to dress perfect from head to toe but says not to show off my bump til later on in the pregnancy because she doesn't want other ppl to think I'm fat either. Ugh.

Bluebird2318 · December 2013

Reading this just breaks my heart. Your mother is downright emotionally abusive, and there is just no excuse for that. I know it's hard, but please try to keep your distance. If her behavior is exactly as you describe, then she is really and truly abusive in a literal sense. You don't need someone pushing that toxic garbage into your mind. I am so sorry.

JessieAlbin · December 2013

Your mom needs therapy or something. Set some clear boundaries with her: "mom, if you can't say nice things about my body, you don't get to talk about it. End of story." She'll get the picture when you remove yourself from toxic situations/conversations.

mamamaei · December 2013

Sorry that you came home and are having to hear all of that. It sounds like she has some self esteem issues herself and is projecting them unfairly onto you. It you and your doctor are comfortable with your health and weight gain then who cares what your mom says? Although it may be impossible to avoid her and her nasty comments try not to let them get to you. If she tries to compare you to herself or other pregnant ladies, I'd tell her "well good for you/them..." And walk away and do what you want! This is your baby and your experience! Don't let anyone rob you of this special time! As long as you're healthy then keep doing what you're doing! Good luck!

Medic99 · December 2013

Holy smokes!! I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It is emotional abuse and you should not be subject to it especially while pregnant. No one needs that nor do they deserve it. If you are not living with her, I would try and keep a safe distance like another poster suggested. That is not healthy. Huge hugs!

MamaFantastic · December 2013

Distance, distance, distance..... that's all you can do when someone is THIS toxic.

Have you considered going to therapy to learn some good coping skills and gain perspective on the dynamics at work here? It might be a valuable support for you!

So sorry. Your mom sounds so toxic

Cappuccino1987 · December 2013

Thank you a bunch ladies. It's really been getting to me! I say to her sometimes, You know that really hurts my feelings when you say that, but she doesn't seem to work on feelings. When I say that she just gives me "Oh well." Then picks it back up another time.

She just doesn't want to understand what her words do to others. I plan on going back to AU after baby's born, but then again I should have stayed in Sydney! My sisters have kept their distance and only call her when it's needed. I came back to reconnect and wish I hadn't. Now I see why once they moved, they stayed away. *sigh*

Cappuccino1987 · December 2013

MamaFantastic said:

Distance, distance, distance..... that's all you can do when someone is THIS toxic. Have you considered going to therapy to learn some good coping skills and gain perspective on the dynamics at work here? It might be a valuable support for you! So sorry. Your mom sounds so toxic

I haven't had official therapy. I've tried cognitive behavioral, there's some stuff I found online, but officially talking to someone, No. I do think it would be good for me since I in NO WAY want to accidentally become my mother to my child and do what she does. One of the reasons I'm afraid of going to therapy is because I don't want old feelings/emotions roused up. Since my mom won't go, I should though.

NYJodway · December 2013

Your post is truly heartbreaking. I'm very sorry that you're going through this. Nothing that your mother is saying to you is even remotely acceptable, and it seems as though she is relentless.

It seems that she is trying to use the pregnancy as a way to control you, which is pretty troubling, but which also means that she probably doesn't actually believe that you don't look good or are too big. She's just using these things as a platform for controlling behavior. I don't know if that helps you feel any better or not, because being treated this way by your mom must be upsetting in and of itself.

I hope that you are able to set some effective boundaries with her. It might be really great to speak with a therapist. Just being able to talk this out with an objective, outside observer might be able to make it easier to cope with your mom's behavior.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You seem insightful and kind and those are the makings of an excellent mother.

Bluebird2318 · December 2013

I'm glad you seem to have such a level head on your shoulders about the whole thing. My first serious boyfriend was incredibly abusive (on an emotional level; I was never physically abused though I was threatened) and it took me a long time--even after cutting him out of my life--to recover from it and regain a healthy perspective on my self-worth. In retrospect, I do think therapy may have helped to sort it all out sooner, so @MamaFantastic's suggestion sounds like quite a good one if you feel that it could suit your own personal needs! Whatever you choose, I truly hope you get all the support you need.

BiggerinRealLife · December 2013

Wow. That is so not what any pregnant lady needs. I am so sorry my dear. Moms dont always realize how much their words can cut their daughter's hearts. I have an awesome mom, but I still remember when she told me my thighs were jiggly in 7th grade (pool party, I weighed a pre-pubescent 96 pounds) and when she made comments about my boobs in high school. I hope we can be a generation of mothers who are mindful if our words and take to heart not projecting our own issues and insecurities in our daughters.

I echo what pp's have said about distance and boundaries. You need a supportive tribe right now, not people who tear you down. Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud is excellent. Maybe give that a read? Meanwhile surround yourself with people who will tell you how awesome and beautiful you are.

Because you are awesome. And you are beautiful. Your body is gorgeous, and is bust growing and making a perfect home for your long-limbed baby. And your baby is going to grow up thinking you're the most beautiful woman in the world. Hugs to you!

Cappuccino1987 · December 2013

NYJodway said:

Your post is truly heartbreaking. I'm very sorry that you're going through this. Nothing that your mother is saying to you is even remotely acceptable, and it seems as though she is relentless.

It seems that she is trying to use the pregnancy as a way to control you, which is pretty troubling, but which also means that she probably doesn't actually believe that you don't look good or are too big. She's just using these things as a platform for controlling behavior. I don't know if that helps you feel any better or not, because being treated this way by your mom must be upsetting in and of itself.

I hope that you are able to set some effective boundaries with her. It might be really great to speak with a therapist. Just being able to talk this out with an objective, outside observer might be able to make it easier to cope with your mom's behavior.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You seem insightful and kind and those are the makings of an excellent mother.

Thank you. I have tried building myself up with self-talk for every negative thing she says to me. It's been hard lately and I'm beginning to buckle under the pressure. I don't want to internalize her rude thinking processes. I'm the youngest so it makes sense that she's using pregnancy and my age to control me. I am staying at home with her right now and the only break I get from her is 9 to 5 when she's at work. Every time I go against what she says she tells me I'm disobedient. Pregnancy is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time and she's just happy treating me like crap because she thinks she has the authority to do so. In response to her bs I'll happily eat to my hearts content!

Avion22 · December 2013

The next time she says something mean to you about your size/weight, say something like, "Mom, my doctor assures me that I'm at a healthy weight. Your criticism is not only incorrect, but very hurtful, and I will not hear any more of it. This topic is closed." Then the next time she says something, say "Mom, your criticism is hurtful, and I will not subject myself to it" and leave the room. If it STILL continues, then stop seeing her. Yes, it's drastic, but most people won't learn to change their behavior without serious consequences.

I'm so sorry she's being like this. You definitely don't deserve it!

spano41 · December 2013

I'm sorry you are having to go through this! I suggest talking to her about it and telling her how it makes you feel and explain that it really is not acceptable to say things like that. What she is doing is outright dangerous and she really needs to practice eliminating this behavior before the baby comes because not only is it harmful to you, it will be harmful to the baby if she says things liked that to you in front of the child or God forbid, to the child.

snmetz7 · December 2013

Are you living with her? I know you said you're going back to au after baby so does that mean you are just here for an extended visit? I'm confused a little on that part. If you are staying with her is there anyone else you can stay with? Being in that house seems very toxic. Pregnancy is not the time to diet and worry about weight concerns. I'm so sorry that your mom is putting you through this and I agree withy the pp

katieharpiceland · December 2013

I'm watching Food Network a lot. Reza The Spice Prince is unbearable to watch.

Pandamom14 · December 2013

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's crazy how influential moms can be - makes me want to be very cognizant of what I say to this little girl. As far as therapy goes I'm a huge fan. I've had a big ED hx, sexual abuse etc and therapy has saved me. Yes at times you have to "rouse" things up but to be honest most of my work in therapy focuses on how do I deal with current issues to make better healthier choices for me. In this situation with your mom, a therapist would not only help you vent but come up with good strategies to deal with her when she is being hurtful. Therapy helps establish boundaries which I never developed myself. Hope some of that helps.

Cappuccino1987 · December 2013

snmetz7 said:

Are you living with her? I know you said you're going back to au after baby so does that mean you are just here for an extended visit? I'm confused a little on that part. If you are staying with her is there anyone else you can stay with? Being in that house seems very toxic. Pregnancy is not the time to diet and worry about weight concerns. I'm so sorry that your mom is putting you through this and I agree withy the pp

I came back home because I was on a business visa that expired after one year. When the year was up the choice came down to getting a bridging visa to stay in the country while my permanent one was being processed or to come back home and do it all offshore. I chose to do it offshore

and regretting it now because of how she's been acting. I guess I should have known better. I have sisters but one of them is moving to another state. The other one always says I can come visit when I need her but I don't know about moving in with her. All my friends have packed up and moved away so can't room with them. I'd love to have my own apt but saving up for the baby and for plane tix back isn't easy. In the meantime while this perm visa is going through I'm heading to AU on tourist visa so LO can see his grandparents and extended fam and so I can have a break from her for three months. It all is driving me crazy because all I wanted her to do was be involved as his grandmother but she's wearing me down.

@BiggerinRealLife, I saw that they have a kindle edition for that book! Yay! I can download and start reading. I do think it'll help me because I've just been raised to fear what she has thought of me. When I moved to Sydney it was one of the wildest, most fulfilling things I could have ever done. It was a choice I made myself and just said, "Sorry, I'm doing it." And left. Now I'm back in the same capsized boat. My fiance constantly tells me positive things about myself. Sometimes what he says counteracts the hurtful words she says and sometimes nothing helps. I just sit and weep sometimes and all he can do is cry with me

teachingmama11 · December 2013

I'm sorry you're going through this! I agree that your mother sounds abusive, so this may not do anything, but I wonder if having her come to an appointment where your doctor could explain where you are at in terms if weight gain (a perfectly healthy point!), maybe it would get her to drop it? If you were to try this, I would try to explain ahead of time the concerns you have with our mom constantly being on your case about "gaining too much" so the doctor knows where you're coming from & what she needs to hear.

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