best way to tell a friend that is TTC

chelle7620 · December 2013

Hi everyone! i got a BFP about two weeks ago, went to the dr and she said everything was looking good. ive told most of my close family and close friends except one. she is one of my best friends. i want to tell her in person. the only problem is that her and her hubby have been TTC and havent had any luck. like i said, she is one of my best friends and i know she will be super excited when i tell her. her and i have both been trying for a while. im just wondering how yall think i should tell her. should i just come out and say it? should i say anything else? i know im probably stressing about this more than i actually should. i know she will genuinely be happy for me. she is a wonderful person. i just dont want her to leave and be sad bc she isnt. am i making any sense? lol thanks for any advice. i have an idea of what im going to say i would just like others advice. thank you so much!

strmbreez · December 2013

Just tell her, in person, one on one. No one wants to feel pitied or like someone is walking on eggshells around them. I think it's sweet that you want to spare her feelings but as long as you aren't rubbing it in her face and being completely inconsiderate, she'll be fine.

Jellyfish42 · December 2013

I have had a lot of my friends get pregnant before me (I am still ttc, now) and what hurts worse than hearing they had success is not hearing it, them feeling like they can't tell me, or hearing it from somewhere else. Be honest with her. I am always excited and happy for friends when they get pregnant, its such a happy thing. Even if they are on their 2nd and 3rd baby, while I am struggling for my first. No one likes to be left out of the loop. So, go to her and tell her. You sound like a good friend. Good luck.

chelle7620 · December 2013

Thank yall so much!!! can hardly wait to tell her tomorrow

allgood921 · December 2013

I had a bad experience telling one of my good friends. She started TTC before me and was very upset that I had gotten KU before her. Since I now live 4 hours away and hardly ever see her I made the choice to tell her over the phone. She wasn't excited for me in the least bit because I am her second friend to get pregnant before her. I definitely didn't rub it in her face but instead was like "Well you made me promise that you be one of the firsts to know.....soooooooooo, I'm pregnant!" and have avoided any further talk about pregnancy with her.
Hopefully you will have a better experience since you will be able to tell her face to face unlike me. Don't feel bad though if she gets a little sad about it, it's nothing personal. Took me a few days to realize that. Just support her if she seems down about it and don't make her feel like she can't confide in you just because you 'got pregnant before her'. I'm sure she would rather you tell her than not :]

chelle7620 · December 2013

She has been trying for about one year. She had a problem but had surgery. The dr told her after that everything looked better and she should continue trying.

curlylocks3 · December 2013

chelle7620 said:
She has been trying for about one year. She had a problem but had surgery. The dr told her after that everything looked better and she should continue trying.

So she likely has an infertility diagnosis? In this case I'd opt for an email. Tell her simply that you are pregnant, no details about how long it took or whatever, and say you are telling her via email so that she can process the news on her own. In the future, since she is your best friend, I'd consider sharing huge news with her first so she doesn't hear it from someone else.

boymomstrong · December 2013

As some one dealing with infertility, DONT TELL IN PERSON!!!!! Send an email or text, give her time to adjust and process in private!!! Dont rush her or push and dont bring it up let her talk to you.

PLEASE do this right!

strmbreez · December 2013

"No no and hell fucking no."

Really? Because that's how I did it, with my friend who had been trying for 5 years and who told me above all else that she would much rather hear it straight from me than from someone else, and who hated the fact that everyone around her who got pregnant had walked on eggshells like she was some breakable, fragile soul. Might not work for every situation, but it sounds like her friend has a good heart and would be genuinely happy for her.

chloephoebecali · December 2013

I have a friend that is having tttc and asked other friends that are having tttc and the consensus was an email.

curlylocks3 · December 2013

strmbreez said:

"No no and hell fucking no."

Really? Because that's how I did it, with my friend who had been trying for 5 years and who told me above all else that she would much rather hear it straight from me than from someone else, and who hated the fact that everyone around her who got pregnant had walked on eggshells like she was some breakable, fragile soul. Might not work for every situation, but it sounds like her friend has a good heart and would be genuinely happy for her.

It isn't about being genuinely happy for someone or having a good heart, and to imply that it is is pretty darn close to saying other people are bitter. I was thrilled for my bff but still wish she had done a text or email instead of the phone call; instead of being able to focus on her news I instead had to focus on trying so hard not to cry so I wouldn't hurt her with my reaction. I was happy she was pregnant and at the same time sad I was not. That doesn't make me a bad person or mean I don't have a good heart. It means I was a normal person.

I'm not saying you have to walk on eggshells and if you read my post you will see that I said make sure your friend hears it from you and not through the grapevine. And if your friend specifically said she wanted to hear it the way you told her, thats fine. But the overwhelming consensus when talking to women who have been through infertility is that an email or text is a more sensitive approach.

KSwen719 · December 2013

So I never post here, but this subject hit very close to home for me. My best friend and I both started trying about the same time. I had just gotten a slew of bad news about fertility issues. She and her hubs came over to go out to dinner with me and my hubs, and as we were all getting in the car, she just goes "I can drive since I won't be drinking because I'm pregnant." Just dropped the bomb like that. It took all I had to keep it together and feign happiness. When we got to the restaurant I excused myself and called my mommy and cried and cried! It was awful.

I don't think she did it to hurt me - she didn't know I'd just gotten bad news - but a few days later I let her know what was going on and that even though I was very happy for her it was hard for me at the moment. Unfortunately, our relationship has suffered as a result of all this and we really have drifted significantly since.

But I would not have been happier with an email or a text - how impersonal! I'd take that as a huge insult. I would've much preferred she called me or told me in person, but in a one on one setting. I think if you have the right relationship with someone, you'd be able to convey that you're happy for them, while still letting them know you're struggling. At least I would have felt that way. The way it was with me though, I had to really struggle to keep it together. If it was just me and her at her house for coffee or something, I could've been more real.

As it turns out, I'm pregnant too now anyway. It just sucks that this has driven a wedge between us and we can't share this special time we're both experiencing. I'm hoping it improves, and I hope things go better with your friend OP!

krazykay7 · December 2013

I just told my bff. Called her, n told her and she's pissed. She is not speaking with me as much. I've called and not even talked about the pregnancy. She is cold and Stadoff ish. I am giving her space and waiting for her to just want to talk again.miss her so much.

AngelinaC02 · December 2013

My Sister has been TTC and recently decided to stop (because of no luck and some other reasons) I just told her and my other Sister in person and she was happy to have a new niece of nephew to love on! Good luck!

spacepotatoes · December 2013

I think the people whose advice you should be taking into consideration here are the ones who have actually been through this from your friend's side of things. The ones saying they told and it was fine have no way of knowing with 100% certainty how their friends/siblings truly felt and what they said/did to process the news once they were alone, no matter how much they think they may know.

It took us over a year and it was difficult. I didn't have anyone give me news like this but I know it would have been really hard to take if it was just sprung on me. I'd never have actually let the person know that it hurt because I wouldn't want to take anything away from their happiness but behind closed doors, yeah, I'd have been upset.

I think it depends on your relationship and what you know about your friend. Either find a time to sit down with her privately and talk to her one-on-one or do it in writing as PPs have suggested. And don't take it personally if the response is not total joy the instant that you tell her.

jessican08 · December 2013

Another IFer chiming in to tell you (and anyone else in this situation) to go with a thoughtful email. Trust me.

When I finally got PG I was going to announce at our Bunco group and I got word that a girl in our group had been trying for her 2nd for a few years and had had nothing but miscarriages. I sent her an email and she thanked me profusely, saying she burst into tears when she read it and was so glad I didn't spring it on her on a night that was supposed to be fun.

chelle7620 · December 2013

thank you everyone for your advice. I did opt to tell her in person. i felt an email was impersonal and i knew she would too. she was thrilled when i told her. she asked me a few questions and then i changed the subject. she actually wanted to keep talking about it. i know some of you may think that she was pretending but i know she wasnt. it went very well. we are going out to dinner one day next week. Thanks again everyone!

spacepotatoes · December 2013

Glad it went well!

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