Hopes & Dreams

BrittianyM · December 2013

My life will never be what it should have been. I need to learn to just let go of my hopes & dreams of what sould have been. Those hopes & dreams are causing me too much pain trying to hold on to them. This is my life now and I just need to except it.

My sweet little girl is gone and nothing will ever bring her back in this lifetime. I will never be a parent to a living child and I may lose my DH through all this. I don't know how much more I can take. I don't want to know how much more I can take.

Thanks for listening to me rant ladies.

Noethola · December 2013

***Siggy warning***

You are very right that things will never be the same. Its hard to now wish for a different outcome, but unfortunately there is nothing we can do about it.

Have you been able to find local support groups or go to couples counseling? It would be awful to lose your DH as well, when you are both grieving and needing one another. Its not easy to know how to meet those needs though and sometimes some outside insight can be helpful.

Im so sorry for such a hard time. Its a hard journey we are on, but holidays definitely lend themselves to the times being harder due to all the traditions, frivolity and hopes we had for our children to enjoy them too. Big ((hugs)) today.

jess123456 · December 2013

Big hugs to you today and everyday. I also second the support group and counseling if you haven't looked into that already. Friends of mine who also lost their daughter to SIDS have found amazing support through Compassionate Friends but I am sure there are lots of other organizations and local support groups that could offer an in person support if you are interested. It is a very hard road but you don't have to walk it alone. As if it wasn't hard enough, I know the holidays are so tough because the whole idea of family is shoved in our faces constantly. I wish something I could say would make things better but all I can offer is support and hugs to you.

cawettig · December 2013

I agree with the counseling. Dh and I had rough patches and counseling brought us closer together. Life will never be the same. We all are trying to accept this new form of life that we do have now. It's really hard to learn a new way of thinking and living. Lim eight months out and still having a hard time. There are days that are better and days that are worse, I'm sorry we have to learn how to accept the new normal. I hate it too

BrittianyM · December 2013

Thanks ladies for the kind words and thoughts. My DH won't go to counseling with me. Right after Brooke passed he said that we should go but then he never did. I went and they helped a little. I also went to a few support group meetings, Compassionate Friends was one of them, but DH stopped going after the first meeting.

He won't really talk to me about how he is feeling. I know he loves me and he loves Brooke so very much. I want more kids and he does also, but he doesn't want anymore anytime soon. I just am having a hard time with all of this. I can't stop myself from thinking about all the things we should be doing with our little girl and how that is the life we wanted. Now it is all different. I just want him to open up to me but he won't. Feel very alone.

schulme2 · December 2013

I am so sorry @brittianym ! My DH and I have definitely had our struggles as well. There's no greater test than grieving a child together and apart. I wish I had some Magical words but I don't. Please know that I'm thinking of you guys and I hope that he will open up to you soon and you can really get back to a good place with each other. Big hugs!!

kz's_girlygirl · December 2013

I am so sorry you are struggling right now! Everything definitely changes after the death of a precious child. I would really encourage you to continue to go to support groups and to consider an individual counselor if that is something you are comfortable with. Even if your DH doesn't attend with you, it might help you to go.

I can definitely relate to the feeling of never being able to parent a living child. I hope so much that it does happen- for all of us- but I am trying to hang onto hope with one hand while slowly try to imagine a life where there are no children for us because it is a real possibility. Many (ok, most) times even the though of being child free is enough to send me into hysterics though.

My DH doesn't open up to me much either, it is just the way he is. He needs to keep himself busy (He went back to work 2 days after Jesse was born) and not constantly think about Jesse, where as I need to talk about him and mention him frequently. Something that has helped us, is me just asking Dh questions. If I need to hear that he misses Jesse, I say something like, "I wish things had turned out so differently, I miss Jesse so much-do you too?" Or, if I need him to reassure me that we *will* have a family some day, I say, "I'm so sad, but we will have a family someday right?" In my experience with a man of few words, asking him specific questions is the way I can get him to talk about it. I don't know if that would work for you or not, but I thought I would share just in case.

I really hope that you and Dh can find your way to each other and grieve together, even if it looks different for each of you. I am thinking of you and beautiful Brooke, and hoping for peace and love.

jess123456 · December 2013

My husband and I also grieve completely differently. It seems to be quite common amongst those I have talked with. My husband has this way of somehow or (so it seems) putting his feelings on a shelf and going about his day and then grabbing them on the shelf when he needs to. I am the complete opposite and wear my feelings on my sleeve and have a really difficult time of being a loss mom and a functional normal person. It took me a while to realize this about my husband and for the first many months I would be so angry at him and think that he wasn't sad or missing our daughter when really he was, he was just handling it in his way. He has absolutely no interest in going to a support group with me or going to a therapist so I have gone alone and it has really helped me and helped me to better understand him. We had a social worker in the hospital and he was very cold to her which I couldn't understand but now it makes sense as he just grieves differently. He doesn't like people pitying him and I don't see a social worker that way at all but I have learned to respect how he goes about this even if it isn't how I would like. He also had no desire to try again for a long time and that was very hard to cope with. I am not sure if that helps to know that you aren't alone in this but wanted to share my experience with you too.

I am thinking of you.

BrittianyM · December 2013

Thank you again ladies. Had a very hard day. Cried at my desk at work for a couple of hours. Its been 7 months since Brooke grew her wings. Hope things get better soon.

All you ladies are great! I wish we all met under different circumstances.

VyD81 · December 2013

I'm sorry you are having a hard time and going through difficult time with your husband. I don't know if this will help but this website has some great info on the way men and women grieve. https://www.stillbornandstillbreathing.com/2013/05/women-men-we-grieve-differently.html

stefuge · December 2013

I wish I knew what to say - I am so sorry! This road we are on is awful and miserable and most days I can't believe this is our life. The only advice I have is what our therapist has told us - men and women tend to deal with grief in very different ways, and that's okay, normal, and the best thing for us as a couple is to allow each other to grieve in our own ways. You are in my T and P.

bunnybun4 · December 2013

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of losing brooke. this post really breaks my heart.

I echo what PP's have said...my DH and I grieve completely differently and at times that has put a lot of strain on us. It's like we go from one extreme of being super close and supportive of each other to the other extreme of just being angry and not understanding each other. It wasn't until we went and talked to my pastor that I understood that he WAS grieving and was grieving in a healthy way for him. Before I heard him talk about it I just thought he was pushing thoughts of Bunny away. I also have a terrible habit of holding all of my feelings in at work and socially and there are times that I blow up at him because of it. It's an ongoing battle for me to try and not take it out on him and also for me to understand that he grieves differently. I don't know if ya'll are religious or not but would he be open to meeting with a trusted pastor at your church even just once??? One time helped us exponentially. My DH would not regularly go to a counselor or a support group with me either...we saw a grief counselor right after our loss and met with my pastor a few months ago.

I hate that you are feeling so hopeless...and I don't know what your future holds but I do know that I have really terrible days where I feel like things will never get better and over time they do start to get better and there is hope where there was none before. i think god and life have a way of giving us different things and things we need in ways we couldn't imagine or plan. I wish I could hug you through the computer right now. Hope you start feeling better soon!!!

BrittianyM · December 2013

Thank you all! All of you have made such good points. I agree, Men & Women grieve so different.

DH & I had a good talk last night and we will be ok. Just have to work through some things together.

I just felt like I was losing everything. Brooke was my dream come true and I just miss her so much. If I could lose her, than I can lose anything including my DH. I guess I was just so scared that I was pushing him away. Got to try not to do that anymore.

Thanks again for all your help!

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