Pregnant Family Members

AshersMom11

I was just wondering how you ladies have handled having pregnant family members or close friends. My sister in law is due 6 weeks before us and I am having a hard time seeing her, talking to her, or even hearing about her pregnancy.

I have distanced myself from most of my pregnant friends but it's hard to when they are family. We were so excited to be pregnant together and have babies so close in age. They live about an hour and a half away so that has given me a good excuse to decline to their invitations to get together so far but there are a few family events coming up (one is her daughters birthday party) that I would like to skip.  I am already dreading Christmas and its over 6 months away. I just keep thinking about the 2 new babies that will be there and how there should be three.

My husband is very close to his sister and talks to her a couple of times a week. A few weeks ago she went to the hospital for  kidney stones. My husband was just causally telling me how she was doing and I snapped at him and said "I don't care how much pain she is in, mine is 10 times worse. I would give anything to switch places with her and be pregnant again." He understood but I instantly felt awful. I know she was genuinely was hurting but I was so jealous in that moment. Please tell me it gets better, I love my sister in law and don't want to be this bitter angry person.

Jellybean71514

I am in the a similar situation my future SIL gave birth in January so our babies would have been 6 months apart and we planned them to be best friends. Now I avoid her at all costs and I feel awful, we were close before this happened but she has 3 living children and I now have none so it just hurts too much to be around her and the kids because naturally it's all they talk about and gush over the new baby. I think she understands, I did apologize in a text once and said I just needed time but now 3 months later I think they are all over my grieving acting like losing my son never happened but I still will do what I need to in order to limit my time with her and her family to avoid meltdowns. My DF finds comfort holding his new niece and sometimes gets frustrated because I have no interest to see or know her but in the end understands. I have also expressed the anger to him when she complains about her kids and made it clear I don't care about her problems because mine clearly is more prevalent. I am not going to force myself to embrace something I'm not ready for so I will continue to do what I need to heal and protect my feelings until I'm ready. I did attend a BBQ 2 weeks ago where she was there with the kids unexpectedly and I managed ... I avoided the baby but managed to make the best of it so I guess that was a good step forward. This weekend is the baby's christening and I will attempt that too because it falls on Fathers Day and I refuse to let my DF sit in a church filled with babies alone even though I know I may not make it through the entire ceremony. Can't say how much better it gets because I'm not there yet but can say I'm taking baby steps and trying my best Xo

dadalou

My youngest sister is pregnant with her third child. She lives thousands of miles away. The last time I saw her was when my family was in town for Nathaniel's service. I don't really talk to her all that much either, but I think I would be fine seeing her and talking to her. 

There is a woman at church who is very pregnant. I see her every week and am fine talking to her. It might be different once the babies are here. I'm sure I'll be at least a little jealous.

lrichmond86

I think what you're experiencing is fairly typical for our situation. After our first loss I felt that way until I got pregnant with our daughter. Now I feel that way again after our second loss and I wonder if it will ever get better. Hugs to you!

bunnybun4

My SIL was due with twins a month before I was due with Bunny.  The remainder of her pregnancy was absolute torture for me.  Thankfully she was incredibly sensitive to me...however there were some ignorant family members that would want to shower her with baby questions in my prescense which was really hard.  I would just have to get up and leave the room sometimes...not going to lie, it was really hard.

The day they were born was extremely hard.  Everyone was so happy and it just felt like a knife was being stabbed into my gut even deeper...their excitement for the babies made it feel like my baby had been forgotten.  Thankfully, my DH decided we shouldn't go up for the birth (they live about 3 hours away) because I think i would have lost it.

The first time I saw them was really scary but ended up being not as bad as I thought.  I was able to hold them and be happy for them.  I definitely still have my moments but I can say that it gets easier as time goes on. 

The most important thing to remember is giving yourself space and grace as you need it.  If you can't see the baby don't force yourself until you are ready.  I just kept telling myself that they didn't need me gushing over their babies...they had everyone else doing it.

((hugs))

ikrystal

I know how you feel.  My SIL announced her pregnancy right after my boys died.  At best, I've avoided the subject.  It isn't that I don't love her, and I am sure that when the baby is here I'll be a bit more open about it all.  But being in so much pain over the loss of my boys, I just couldn't be happy about ANY pregnancy announcement (even if it were my own).  Hugs to you. 

Bgirma

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this and I agree with previous posters, it seems pretty common for us loss mamas to experience a range of emotions surrounding pregnancy, newborns and living children.

My good friend was due seven days before me and we both ended up having our sons on Christmas Day. It took months before I was able to meet him, much less hold him or spend any significant amount of time with him. The day I gave birth I knew 16 other pregnant couples and this week the last gave birth to her daughter. It's been hard but now, almost 6 months out from losing my son, it has gotten better for me. I'm able to feel happy for them and relieved that their children are safe and healthy but I do still feel a twinge of jealousy and sometimes anger that my son isn't here. But now I know that is normal so I don't feel guilt about it anymore. It's still not easy for me to be around lots of baby talk or hear of new pregnancies so I try to remove myself from those situations.

My best advice- be honest with your SIL and take the space that you need. If you don't feel up to going to her daughters birthday party, don't go. Or go and tell yourself that you can leave after 10 minutes, if you want to. I went to a friends baby shower last month and had a lot of anxiety about going and a lot of anxiety about skipping and "being a bad friend." Finally, my husband told me that I needed to give myself permission to leave if I felt overwhelmed. I went and stayed for 40 minutes and felt good about it. Whatever you decide, hopefully she'll understand that your need to grieve and heal trumps her need for support right now.

Also, I know that it's hard to believe when you are still so new to your grief but you WILL feel better someday (whatever better means for you), it just might not happen as quickly as you want. 5 months ago I thought I'd never laugh again. It seemed so impossible to think about how I could live and be happy without my son. I know that I'll never "get over" what happened (and I don't want to) but I'm starting to learn how to be happy and honor my sons memory.

((Hugs))

stefuge

I so sorry you are having to deal with this! As Bgirma said - let yourself deal with this how you need to. If you need space, take it. If you don't want to go to the party, don't go, or only go for a short period of time. I've read that this is a time in our lives where we need to be a little selfish and put our own needs first, and that has really helped me. And, I agree, talk to her - tell her it's too hard right now and that you hope she understands, just be honest.

AshersMom11

Thanks ladies. Luckily my sister in law is very understanding and wouldn't be upset if I felt like I couldn't handle going to the party. But you're right, this is a time that I have a right to be little selfish and not feel guilty about it.

tpete12

My besf friends due date is two days after when mine was supposed to be. She is coming over tonight - first time I have seen her since my loss. I am going to try stay strong, but I have a feeling that I will melt down after they leave. They day they bring their baby home will be extermely hard, but I have a few more months to prepare. With any luck, I will be pregnant with a healthy baby at that point. It will still be hard, but hopefully not as hard.