5 facts about 'your' IF journey...

kjf114 · December 2013

I've been seeing a lot of posts about pregnancy facts & got my mind thinking about infertitly that I would like to say. Figure I would get everyone to think about 5 facts from their journey & share..

1. I thought IVF was going to be a breeze little did I know what I was getting into and how long our journey would actually be.

2. We almost did not freeze our embryos it was the best decision we could have done. OHSS was just awful, last minute we signed off and froze.

3. Going on my 3rd FET and I'm nervous yet excited and ready. No one knows this time besides hub and this board.

4. At first my obgyn said the issue was me and not ovulating. Then turned out to be my hubs sperm, now back to me with mcs. Winding roads.

5. I've had my blood drawn so much for 2 years I think my veins are starting to scar.

princessisadora · December 2013

5 Facts about my IF journey

1. I never thought getting pregnant would be this hard. If I had known I wouldn't bother with birth control straight after I got married.

2. Even though I have a diagnosis it doesn't make us feel any better as they still unsure as how this affects our chances of getting pregnant.

3. Sometimes I get really angry that I have to pay for what other get for free

4. DH has coined a term for me when I get into a very bad IF funk, I become the " baby bitch"

5. You need a strong marriage/partnership to survive IF, this journey is not for weak souls

CallaLily30 · December 2013

@princessisadora My IVF journey is just starting but I can already relate to statement #1,3&5 you made.

@kjf114 I used to hate having blood drawn or needles of any type but my IVF journey has made me get used to them.

walker14 · December 2013

Ugh, I'm having a bad, hopeless day, so maybe this will help.

1) I was diagnosed with a unicornuate uterus in March after an MRI. I was surprised considering I had had previous ultrasounds, MRIs, and even laparoscopic surgery to remove endometriosis, and the doctors never realized this.

2) I also hated having blood drawn until going through IF. Now it's no big thing.

3) I hate that I am not able to feel completely happy for my friends when they announce their pregnancies.

4) I have no idea how or when this journey will end. I'm a huge planner, so this aspect is really hard.

5) I often have guilt that our inability to have children is my "fault" and that if my DH were w/ someone else he would have no problem having a child. I know this is unproductive thinking!

kjf114 · December 2013

@princessisadora number 5-- YES.. who knew of the ups and downs this can really do to a marriage unless faced. We have had many strong times in this and too many down times. It really has changed both of us.

@walker14.. number 4 head on with me-- I plan everything and this is one aspect of life I cannot!! #5 i'm sorry its really both journey not anyone's specific "fault".

Manada · December 2013

1. We went into this journey thinking that our biggest issue would be getting sperm. I had $4400 saved up and I thought that would be ample money.   I laugh at that naive me now.   We are about $25000 in.

2. Our IF journey started with a call from our RE that said "Um, you have a very low number of eggs - - if you ever want to get pregnant, you have to do it NOW. The next cycle. You can't afford to wait". Now, a little over a year later from that call --- I think about it a lot and have no idea how much trauma I am carrying around from this process.

3. I'm at the point now where much of my decision making is about "I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want anymore hurts - let's just do everything we can do be done it and either get a baby or be done".    This mostly comes up when we talk about our ET options and number of embryos.

4. Going through IF has brought my partner and I much closer together.   We have learned to comfort and cry together in ways that I didn't know existed.

5. I still grieve not being genetically linked to our children, but I'm trying hard to get over it. It makes me saddest to know that it is actually money that is creating that barrier -- money seems to lose so much meaning in this process in other ways.

happygirl1013 · December 2013

5 facts about my IF journey

1. If you have told me when my DH and I got married that it would be this hard to have a family, I would have laughed. We thought going into this my body would be the issue, but it really was my DH. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, considering the media makes it seem like you can have one night of drunken sex and be parents.

2. I now understand why so many couples split/ divorce from the stress of IF. It's only made DH and I stronger as a couple, but it's taken a lot of hard work and effort.

3. My ability to take friends/ families crap is zero, and I'm happy it's like that. IF has helped me really understand who are my real allies and inner circle, which I'm grateful for.

4. People we love say stupid things (e.g., my mom saying this is elective, or why not use my father in law's sperm), but I've learned to let it go and not care. I know it's only coming from a place of love.

5. When you think you have enough money saved, double it, and that's how much you really need. After the next cycle (which for IVF + TESE + lodging will cost $40k), we'll be $60k in total on our IF journey.

HeatherHam10 · December 2013

1. Its somewhat embarrassing but we initially started TTC in 2007 when I was young but it was off and on. I had a c/p once when I was 21 and had gotten pg naturally and have always wondered why did it work then even if for a short time naturally but now nothing will work? This is when we stopped truing but I have never been on bcp..
2. We have never been dx with any real concrete reasons for our issues and I feel like Id rather have a clear cut answer then being in limbo forever.
3. Im a super resentful person now and I often dont like who I have become and find myself thinking things that are terrible. I despise fertiles

4. As pp said my dh and I have grown so extremely close through all of this and are best friends who want the same things and will build our family however possible.
5. Im a huge pessimist and assume every cycle is a bust from.the beginning to try to guard myself from more pain.

Sunny B · December 2013

@boyanki ---I'm just like your #3, and #4 = ew! She's deranged!

I love reading these (and hate it- you know what I mean) It's good to empathize and feel like we're all in this together.

Mine may come out more like confessions but oh well.

1. I look back at a time back when DH and I were both 21, and first together where we had sex without a condom for approximately 1 minute before putting a condom on, and we were so terrified that I would get pregnant from pre-cum that we went and got me the morning after pill. Which is really not that funny, because it's a big deal- but kinda hilarious at the same time because HELLO!!

2. I definitely harbor some resentment at MIL/FIL but mostly MIL because she seems to gloss over the fact that our IF is caused by DH having undescended testes until the age of 4. It's hard to not think that we would *probably* not be struggling like this if they would have realized/taken care of it earlier. Also, DH has a twin brother, who had the same issue and he's in denial that he could potentially have a low sperm count, too. Um, HELLO!?!

3. I went to an astrologer/psychic last August, before we knew there were issues, and she told me that I was super fertile and would have no problem having babies. Um, HELLO!? She told me that I would have an ARIES baby and possibly twins. She was right on about my bff, and I'll admit that I sorta kept that information in my mind, because maybe she was just seeing my fertility potential??? So anyway, when DH suggested that we move our FET back to the beginning of July (instead of mid-June due to school year) because it would allow us to use a new year of our HSA, I was on board, partially because it was his idea and it put me in range to potentially have a late March due date (ARIES).

4. IF has made me more financially responsible. I was in some credit card debt, but I was able to pull back on spending and dig myself out of it, while also adding to our savings, because I know that we needed all the money we could get (OOP) and also if we needed to get a loan I needed to have good credit. So that's one positive thing that came from IF, I'll never be financially irresponsible again, because I see that rainy days, can in fact, cost you a shit ton of money and it's been raining a lot.

5. When DH called me after talking to the lab about the grading of our icebabies, I was sitting down eating a snack, I had two paper plates stacked on top of one another, and took the bottom one out to write the ratings on it. I put a big heart around them and wrote I LOVE THEM! And now our giant life size panda that we have sits in the living room, holding the "baby plate" and every day, DH and I come in and ask Schmoozie (the panda) how the baby plate is? OMG, I sound like a psycho. So I guess that IF has made me love my stuffed animals and inanimate objects more. Gotta be a mom in some way I guess.

BRaven985 · December 2013

My 5 facts...of course some similarities to other...

1.) Definitely thought it would be so much easier. I hate myself for waiting as long as I did. But you have to be ready and I wanted to make sure I was. My family is full of super fertiles...didn't realize I would have to be the balance to that

2.) Technically we are dx as unexplained and it frustrates me to no end. Obviously you don't want things to be wrong, but I wish I had something I could fix. This just takes me back to hating myself for waiting....
3.) This is obviously the only place I could say this, but it is amazing how angry I can get at my friends for just trying to be nice and supportive....and I do love them to pieces and know they mean well. But I reached a point where their positive comments sound condescending and if I hear "when it's meant to be" one more time, I may just clock someone.
4.) I wish so badly that my husband felt as strongly about this as I did. He is totally on board and super supportive and great. But he also believes in a happy future with just me (which does make me feel loved). I just tend to be a little obsessive when I feel this strongly about stuff and even though that has never been him...I just wish this one time it was. He is a great balance to my crazy...but sometimes it is lonely by myself in crazy land

5.) I never once in my life felt old...till I started this process.

intheplanningstage · December 2013

I'll play

1. Dh and I were together 6.5 years before getting married (high school sweethearts), and we didn't have sex until our wedding night. When we were 15-18 I told him no, I'm waiting for my husband. By the time I got to college, I knew he'd be my husband but I wanted 0% chance of a child before we were married. My dh is wonderful and never tried to convince me otherwise. When we got married I was on birth control for three years. We had horrible insurance and it was expensive. Then we started ttc and find ourselves at ivf as our only option (-severe male factor).The irony of me depriving us of sex for so many years...ugh. Lol

2. I have poly cystic ovaries and high prolactin but no symptoms of either except irregular periods...which confused doctors.

3. Before our infertility issues, I was ignorant and insensitive about the topic. When I heard about people doing ivf, id say "I don't understand why people do it. If it was me, I'd say my body is trying to tell me something.". I never said it directly to someone's face but I'm still regretful about it. I try to consider this when people say insensitive things...

4. I never wanted biological children. Since elementary school, I've always wanted to adopt. There are so many kids without parents in the world. Dh was ok with adopting but he wanted biological also. We compromised on starting with biological and adopting later. or at least that was the plan. Now I can't put into words how much I want a baby from my body.

It's true, you want what you can't have!

5. Our 2nd fet is next week and I'm so excited. I was petrified for ivf and the first fet. Excited is a much better emotion

missmarypoppins · December 2013

1) @heatherham10 #3 really resonated with me. I swear I didn't used to be such a bitter person. I worry that I may never be anything like my old self again.
2) IF has brought DH and I so much closer. I feel like we're more of a team now.
3) I never thought that my every moment of every day would revolve around a baby that isn't here yet.
4) I wish DH was as emotionally involved with this as I am. I know he hides most of it, but I feel like if this took another year he'd be okay with that I would just be broken.
5) I do more lurking than posting but this board and 3T are the only way I can stay sane, just knowing that I'm not the only one dealing with all this keeps me going.

TaylorH84 · December 2013

1) if I had known what this crazy journey would be like I would've started years ago. We never TTC naturally because I didn't want to pass on my genetic disorder which includes getting an IV infusion every other week for 4 hrs. A matter a fact I've spent my entire life trying not to get pregnant lol. We were so naive to think since I hadn't been diagnosed or had never tried to conceive that we could do IVF once and poof be pregnant...boy were we wrong!

2). As horrible as this has all been DH and I have only become closer and have settled down a lot more. Mainly, because I hate going out or being around a bunch of people when I'm stimming, having to answer questions about not drinking or staying out late bc I'm exhausted from it all. Being homebodies has been nice.

3) I too, have become more bitter or resentful towards people and their lack of compassion. Our situation reminds me every day that I don't know what battles people are fighting or hard times people are going through and I need to watch what I say or post online. I also can't help but feel like some of my friends take their easy pregnancies for granted. I know they love their children but we will LOVE ours for so many more reasons

4) everything revolves back to "IVF crap" as I say. everrrryyything.

5) it's true, no one truly understands unless they've been through it. I never though I would be a part of a community like this but am so glad I am. Plus, it keeps me off of Facebook which tends to just be depressing...you ladies rock!

OutdoorGirl10 · December 2013

Going through my first IVF attempt this week, retrieval is tomorrow, and finding I agree with so much of what you've all said already. It IS really nice to have the support of this group since friends and family have no clue. 1) IF is very clinical and very planned. There is very little spontaneity throughout the process, hardly ever a time when you won't know EXACTLY where you are at in your cycle and what the next step is. I feel cheated out of the surprise and spontaneity that I thought I'd have in the process. 2) There are more people out there going through IF than you might think. Our close friends know what we're going through but weren't not totally public about it. Oddly, with random strangers it's pretty easy to tell them we're going through it because we'll never see them again. But it was surprising to us that when we do mention it to someone, they know someone who's gone through it too. 3) Whenever I see a pregnant woman, I assume she got pregnant without help and immediately think resentful, pissy thoughts and get into a negative space. Over the last few weeks I've slowly been able to get out of the negative thoughts and instead am training myself to think that perhaps she went through something similar to me. 4) I've learned to dig up information about insurance and ask way more questions about what's covered and what's not. Before IF, if the price wasn't too bad and my doctors were part of it - great, whatever. Now I actually care. 5) I've started standing up more for myself and DH and our needs since this process started a year and a half ago. We are the type of people to think of others first and put our needs on the back burner because of something going on in our family member's life; so we can be there for them. We've gotten better about recognizing our needs are important too, and we need to do what's right by us - for our mental and physical health - through this process. It's hard to put ourselves first but we know we need to.

BRaven985 · December 2013

@TaylorH84 I think your point in number three is so true...and so important. You really do have no idea what people are struggling with in their own lives. It does suck when people say stupid things, but it certainly is a good reminder of this very point

kjf114 · December 2013

@sunnyb Let me just say WOW we have a lot in common in the not-so-common category #1 I realte. Back when me and dh were dating we had drunkin sex one night and we went to go get the morning after pill together—now here we are.. crazy but right on with irony! #2 DH also had undescended testes BUT had surgery to correct (MIL did not even make a peep of mention till his SA came back! Seriously wtf).. but if it makes you feel any at ease we still have very severe mfi even though he had the surgery.#3 I went to a psychic while on our honeymoon in Jamaica she told me I would get pregnant in “2013” and even said I had a twin line.. go figure I did get pregnant twice and once with twins (we all know the rest)..your number 5 made me chuckle that is seriously adorable and so hopeful!

Sunny B · December 2013

kjf114 said:

@sunnyb Let me just say WOW we have a lot in common in the not-so-common category #1 I realte. Back when me and dh were dating we had drunkin sex one night and we went to go get the morning after pill together—now here we are.. crazy but right on with irony! #2 DH also had undescended testes BUT had surgery to correct (MIL did not even make a peep of mention till his SA came back! Seriously wtf).. but if it makes you feel any at ease we still have very severe mfi even though he had the surgery.#3 I went to a psychic while on our honeymoon in Jamaica she told me I would get pregnant in “2013” and even said I had a twin line.. go figure I did get pregnant twice and once with twins (we all know the rest)..your number 5 made me chuckle that is seriously adorable and so hopeful!

You and are soul mates HAHA!! A lot of similarities!

I want to go see your Jamaican psychic!!!

DH had surgery too, but not til the age of 4! When did your DH have the surgery? And yes, wtf for your MIL not mentioning it. I knew that DH had surgery when he was little, but I didn't realize the longer left untreated the more chance of sterility when there are undescended testes. Not that it would have made a difference in marrying DH or anything, but we probably would have started to save up WAY earlier if we knew that IVF was our only hope!

kjf114 · December 2013

@taylorh84 #5 yes definitely this board has kept me off facebook and to keep my sanity in a world where everyone gets it.. especially when its on our minds constantly

kjf114 · December 2013

@sunnyb I meant to add that sorry.. he had it when he was a baby to correct and we still face it -- extremely low in every single category. it was 1 million, 10% motile, 5% morph. If we would have known this earlier we could have began our journey earlier and not have waited so long.. grr to the in the laws!

Sunny B · December 2013

kjf114 said:

@sunnyb I meant to add that sorry.. he had it when he was a baby to correct and we still face it -- extremely low in every single category. it was 1 million, 10% motile, 5% morph. If we would have known this earlier we could have began our journey earlier and not have waited so long.. grr to the in the laws!

Grr, so I guess that only a lucky few have their fertility saved!

DH's first SA was 70,000 and the 2nd was 55,000. His motility is normal and he hasn't had enough sperm to measure morph. After clomid it went up a lot to 2.8million and then the day of ER it was 1million. I was glad that clomid worked, but Uro told us that his anatomy was effected and he will never have a normal sperm count.

Now he's twin had surgery at the same time, but also a double hernia. He was kinda a dick at first about the count, and said it was because I told DH that he should cut back on red meat a little. A few weeks ago, he asked DH how he could not have "known" and couldn't you "tell" that his sperm count was low. DH was like, NO everything looks normal, and I think that twin was freaked out, because he thought DH had a drip or something.

Allison7 · December 2013

Some many of these really spoke to me!

1. At my wedding shower I refused to participate in that superstition about the number of bows you break or cut is the number of children you will have...I didn't cut or break a single one. Now I wish I had cut all of them. I feel silly for following a superstition, but now I just want every little thing on my side that I can get. I participate in every superstition. It can't hurt, right?

2. I never realized how guilty IF was going to make me feel. I feel guilty about DOR. I feel guilty that I am in some ways mad at DH for making us wait when I was so ready a few years ago. I feel guilty that I cannot get excited about friends and family's babies. I feel guilty that I focus so much on IF. I just want to feel like I used to.

3. I never wanted twins. I am an only child and I felt reservations about having more than one child because I wouldn't know how to handle sibling arguments. I know there are all sorts of issues and risks with multiples, but now there is this deep yearning to just have twins. It would be done. The journey would be over. Part of me feels that this whole process is so non-traditional to begin with, so why not just get the whole weird package.

4. I can get over a deep fear of needles. I used to hyperventilate when I had to have a blood draw. Then I moved to just not being able to look at the needle. I never knew how much desire could make you overcome something, but I am about to take a class to learn how to inject myself.

5. IF is a double edged sword when it comes to relationships. While DH doesn't like to talk about it, he has gotten more supportive with each step of the process. It has helped our relationship, so good. With some friends, it has made me feel separate from them. I am different. I will have this experience and I don't know a single person (other than online) that has gone through this. There are going to be people who won't support my decision to do IVF. But, at least IF is showing me who my real friends and family are. I can forget about the rest.

walker14 · December 2013

@Allison7, I can relate to so much of what you said. I have guilt about so many things- not feeling as happy for others as I should, guilt about having fertility problems, etc. I also hear you on the twins thing! Never wanted them before, but now it seems it would be such a wonderful blessing and family would be complete.

I'm glad to see so many on here say that they feel their relationship has gotten stronger through this. I agree, though it is certainly a tough road.

Lm92599 · December 2013

Ive laughed and cried reading all yours.
@walker14 I totally get the guilt!
@Manda ((hugs)) you and your partner have jumped so many obstacles, Praying for you both.
@SunnyB I drew three dots on my IVF calendar with a heart around them.

I am sad mine are gone part of me wishes they were still frozen in time. I think its cute you have your little plate.

1.My DH is so supportive, I only saw him break down and cry once.. other than that he is strong and I am thankful for that. I have a lot of guilt and have actually told him that he has one year with me to get a baby, after that he has to find a younger woman. Because I am old. He thinks I am nuts and would never leave me.
2. In my heart I felt from the beginning this first IVF was not going to work and I was not very positive in my thinking. And for some reason I feel that going into our second cycle I know that having a positive attitude can make a positive outcome. I am going to embrace it this time.. shots, needles and all.
3. I believe more and more that so many women and men who are facing infertility has to be the toxins in our foods, vaccines..etc. It makes me scared for all the little girls growing up right now. I have this feeling that in 20 years infertility rates are going to rise even more. (I know I sound crazy) but I never used to hear about people having problems. And I personally know 3 couples with IVF babies and another couple with an adopted baby. all of them are young.
4.IF is constantly on my mind, I have a hard time on facebook right now with all the people announcing pregnancy's and baby pictures. I am rarely on there anymore.
5. Our next IVF I am telling NO ONE. only me and my DH and you girls.

BRaven985 · December 2013

@Allison7 I never thought about it before but I did the same thing with the bows on the shower gifts! I refused to cut any of them just cause everyone wanted me to so badly. How weird!

@Lm92599 I totally agree with #3. I am trying (as best I can) to eat organic and be conscious of what I am exposed to. I always used to eat horribly and my job has had me in some interesting places and I often wonder what impact all that has had.

tptbabe · December 2013

1. That everybody's journey is their own. No matter if you're experiencing IF, or got pregnant by surprise, I can't fully understand how somebody else feels about their own journey, so I don't try to.

***ETA: That doesn't mean that I'm a rude person about it. Just that I don't pretend to understand how somebody feels, so I let them feel the way they need to about it.

2. Follow-up to 1 - I have to take care of myself first. If I'm having a bad day, then I need to fix that first before I can listen to somebody elses gripes. This is completely selfish. And it doesn't bother me to feel that way anymore.

3. That we as a couple can get through anything. In addition to the myriad of other obstacles that we've faced as a couple, IF has opened up the lines of communication further for us to be able to work together as a team and face the world on a united front.

4. That I can open up to friends and strangers about very personal issues because they might be going through the same thing and need a shoulder to cry on or advice.

5. That sometimes, wanting something badly enough, just isn't enough. But it sure motivates you to work harder for it!

Allison7 · December 2013

Lm92599 I agree with you on what you are saying in #3. There are just too many toxins out there! I have long thought that the fertilizers, toxins, and growth hormones in our food affected cancer rates, but since I found myself struggling with IF I could see a link there too. It is really scary.

kjf114 · December 2013

Lm92599 said:

Ive laughed and cried reading all yours.
@walker14 I totally get the guilt!
@Manda ((hugs)) you and your partner have jumped so many obstacles, Praying for you both.
@SunnyB I drew three dots on my IVF calendar with a heart around them. I am sad mine are gone part of me wishes they were still frozen in time. I think its cute you have your little plate.

1.My DH is so supportive, I only saw him break down and cry once.. other than that he is strong and I am thankful for that. I have a lot of guilt and have actually told him that he has one year with me to get a baby, after that he has to find a younger woman. Because I am old. He thinks I am nuts and would never leave me.
2. In my heart I felt from the beginning this first IVF was not going to work and I was not very positive in my thinking. And for some reason I feel that going into our second cycle I know that having a positive attitude can make a positive outcome. I am going to embrace it this time.. shots, needles and all.
3. I believe more and more that so many women and men who are facing infertility has to be the toxins in our foods, vaccines..etc. It makes me scared for all the little girls growing up right now. I have this feeling that in 20 years infertility rates are going to rise even more. (I know I sound crazy) but I never used to hear about people having problems. And I personally know 3 couples with IVF babies and another couple with an adopted baby. all of them are young.
4.IF is constantly on my mind, I have a hard time on facebook right now with all the people announcing pregnancy's and baby pictures. I am rarely on there anymore.
5. Our next IVF I am telling NO ONE. only me and my DH and you girls.

#3 completely I agree and this is how I feel-- makes me want to switch professions to do something I am so passionate it about and help others plus the growing side of infertitly. I have never heard about it before and I know 2 IVF babies and 2 IUI babies.

#5 that is us right now.. only DH, BF, & this board knows about fet 3.

Sunny B · December 2013

@Allison7 - I'm very superstitious and I got worse during IVF and IF. I'm sorry you have those thoughts in your mind. I also really relate to you on the only child front, and now being more than open (and hopeful) of the idea of twins.. IF is crazy!

CallaLily30 · December 2013

kjf114 said:

Lm92599 said:

Ive laughed and cried reading all yours.
@walker14 I totally get the guilt!
@Manda ((hugs)) you and your partner have jumped so many obstacles, Praying for you both.
@SunnyB I drew three dots on my IVF calendar with a heart around them. I am sad mine are gone part of me wishes they were still frozen in time. I think its cute you have your little plate.

1.My DH is so supportive, I only saw him break down and cry once.. other than that he is strong and I am thankful for that. I have a lot of guilt and have actually told him that he has one year with me to get a baby, after that he has to find a younger woman. Because I am old. He thinks I am nuts and would never leave me.
2. In my heart I felt from the beginning this first IVF was not going to work and I was not very positive in my thinking. And for some reason I feel that going into our second cycle I know that having a positive attitude can make a positive outcome. I am going to embrace it this time.. shots, needles and all.
3. I believe more and more that so many women and men who are facing infertility has to be the toxins in our foods, vaccines..etc. It makes me scared for all the little girls growing up right now. I have this feeling that in 20 years infertility rates are going to rise even more. (I know I sound crazy) but I never used to hear about people having problems. And I personally know 3 couples with IVF babies and another couple with an adopted baby. all of them are young.
4.IF is constantly on my mind, I have a hard time on facebook right now with all the people announcing pregnancy's and baby pictures. I am rarely on there anymore.
5. Our next IVF I am telling NO ONE. only me and my DH and you girls.

#3 completely I agree and this is how I feel-- makes me want to switch professions to do something I am so passionate it about and help others plus the growing side of infertitly. I have never heard about it before and I know 2 IVF babies and 2 IUI babies.
#5 that is us right now.. only DH, BF, & this board knows about fet 3.

After my struggles with IF, I wish I knew more about it when I was choosing a career path. At one point, I thought I would apply to med school and I didn't. Knowing what I know now, I wish I could have become an RE. Its too late to go through all that school now cause we have a mortgage and IF bills so I can't give up my salary and my 30s to go back to through that many years of school.

TaylorH84 · December 2013

@allison7, I feel so guilty sometimes too! I feel bad that DH has had to go through this with me and feel like it's all my fault. Of course he's been nothing but supportive and amazing! @kfj114, what a great idea to do this! I feel like it's almost like a weight off our shoulders or like going to confession haha. Great therapy session for all

O2girl · December 2013

Five facts about my IF journey:

1. My DH and I always knew due to his testicular cancer that we would have to do ivf. What came as a surprise is how hard it has been. Never in a million years did I think I could have issues. My whole family is a bunch of baby making machines.... Even my sister has 5 kids. So to learn that the implantation problem was on me was a huge shock to say the least.

2. I never considered a freeze all; that was the only option given to me when I overstimulated and wound up with OHSS. Apparently I can make eggs just can't carry babies

3. IF is extremely taxing on your marriage; I'm lucky my DH loves me like there is no tomorrow because I don't think I've been particularly love able during this process.

4. After my RE said in the beginning that this is "a slam dunk" and I am his "dream patient".... I think he might have been as surprised as I was over our failed FET. Just goes to show don't get over confident because when you think something is going to be easy it sometimes proves to be the opposite.

5. Realizing just how much it hurts to see other people enjoying something I now feel like may not happen for me. It just never occurred to be that it might not happen for us; so I went from being excited and loving babies and pregnant women to not even wanting to be in the same room.... All in the blink of an eye.

TaylorH84 · December 2013

@o2girl...we felt the same way going through IVF the first time...we really thought we wouldn't have any issues and would quickly be preggie! Definitely a shocker. Also, I feel like we had similar experiences where our RE was always telling us, "everything thinks good!"

LSN8308 · December 2013

love this thread!!! reading all of your posts made me feel so comforted (not in your struggles, but that im not alone!)

1. DH and I were very "trusting" with our first RE and because we didn't know much about the whole process we blindly went along with everything without asking much questions. the big wake-up call tho was the first FET after our freeze-all of IVF#1, when the RE told the embryologist to thaw ALL 13 of our EMBRYOS!!!!!!! in their words "to get the best one" omg and imagine not knowing about this until after our FET and the embryologist saying ok i need u to sign this waiver to dispose of the remaining embryo's .. we're like WHAT?? we thought you're only thawing 2 at a time because we're only transferring 2? needless to say now we are what our current RE calls "the angry, notepad and files in hand patients" lol.

2. i still feel so annoyed hearing "you're still young!" ..we started TTC when i was around 23 which was still really early, but i've always wanted to feel like a "young mom" like how my mom was and i was happily married so obviously kids would be the next step. Fast forward to 4 yrs later and still getting the "you're still young" talk and sometimes i want to scream WELL MY EGGS ARENT GETTING ANY YOUNGER!

3. i feel so horrible in saying that when DH had the abnormal SA this year i was kind of idk not relieved? idk the word for it, but i was feeling so alone in this IF thing and he's always been supportive but he just wasnt understanding how emotionally heavy this was for me thinking its "my fault" and it sounds so ridiculous but the fact that we both have issues kind of made us closer? lol on in IF world would i be saying that, i sound like such a B, but thats what i feel

4. i am a very private person, and DH tends to like the spotlight and always wants to talk to people or our families about whats going on, and this correlates to #3 too because now hes on board with me keeping this next cycle just between us now that theres a MF involved. it was easier to say oh ya cuz her levels are a little up and down and maybe implantation issues other than that we're fine. but he would never be able to say oh ya ive got low morphology too. i understand men and their need to keep their ego and "manhood" in tact so im considerate of that and grateful that its made him realize my POV.

5. i am finally at peace. 2 IVFs 2 FETs and yrs of TTC i'm so done worrying. now that doesnt mean i dont want kids, when DH and I got engaged I told him i wanted a football team of kids running around lol and he thought i was crazy and i still do. but if its not going to happen with bio kids then i would love to adopt. the only issue we'll face is criticism from family which is so sad and i feel sorry for them and their narrowmindedness but maybe we'll just move to alaska or something and get away from that negativity

kjf114 · December 2013

I envy all of you with growing stronger in your marriages. We grew stronger in the beginning and the last m/c it was so over tolling on both of us that we both more or less shut down. I was so down for so long that DH basically yelled and told me to snap out of it- very hard to do when its all you can think about and want for so long. It feels sometimes I am alone in this, I know he feels for me but he doesn’t feel like I do. Women are wired way differently then men.. Trying to pull us back together again and be our support, but I have to take care of myself first before I can take care of ‘eachother’. I’ve tried to not feel alone in this process and this is where the board has stepped in and has really pulled me back up. So thank you to each one of you—we all have struggles which is imminent by these postings of what eats us up daily. I did this post earlier because I was pondering facebook and saw all the pregnancy posts, little did I know how much these posts touched me, made me laugh & cry. xoxo

O2girl · December 2013

TaylorH84 said:
1) if I had known what this crazy journey would be like I would've started years ago. We never TTC naturally because I didn't want to pass on my genetic disorder which includes getting an IV infusion every other week for 4 hrs. A matter a fact I've spent my entire life trying not to get pregnant lol. We were so naive to think since I hadn't been diagnosed or had never tried to conceive that we could do IVF once and poof be pregnant...boy were we wrong!

2). As horrible as this has all been DH and I have only become closer and have settled down a lot more. Mainly, because I hate going out or being around a bunch of people when I'm stimming, having to answer questions about not drinking or staying out late bc I'm exhausted from it all. Being homebodies has been nice.

3) I too, have become more bitter or resentful towards people and their lack of compassion. Our situation reminds me every day that I don't know what battles people are fighting or hard times people are going through and I need to watch what I say or post online. I also can't help but feel like some of my friends take their easy pregnancies for granted. I know they love their children but we will LOVE ours for so many more reasons

4) everything revolves back to "IVF crap" as I say. everrrryyything.

5) it's true, no one truly understands unless they've been through it. I never though I would be a part of a community like this but am so glad I am. Plus, it keeps me off of Facebook which tends to just be depressing...you ladies rock!

I can totally relate to the homebody aspect..... It has saved us a bunch of money...although I've nearly watched everything on Netflix

princessisadora · December 2013

@O2girl #5 is definetely what has happened to me, that's why DH calls me the baby bitch.

@kjf114 My DH and I had a blow out straight after my early loss, he basically said he didn't think we lost a baby bc we never saw a heartbeat or an ultrasound for that matter. I lost it. Since then we have grown and we both understand he said that out of self protection/self preservation he couldn't deal with the fact we had lost what could've been our baby.

TaylorH84 · December 2013

@kjf114, I'm so sorry and know how hard it is to pull yourself up when you're feeling so down. I found it difficult sometimes when my DH seemed to "move on" so much quicker. It would make me really mad, sad and sometimes I would think I was crazy or something for having such a hard time. I know now it wasn't that he moved on or wasn't sad but more so that he didn't want me to feel worse and felt it was his job to help me feel better. After awhile he was pushing me to get out of the house and get together with people...eventually made me or I think I would've avoided everyone forever. I agree with you though, they totally are wired completely different....my brain is always running a mile a minute and thinking about a million things, including the future and money, and blaming myself for all this. I worry so much whereas he is better at taking things one thing at a time. I hope things get better for you & YH and hope he continues to try to understand how you feel and what your body as gone through. Xoxo

KR250222 · December 2013

Reading all of these is fantastic! We all have so much in common.

1. Growing up I was so afraid of being pregnant/giving birth and thought I would just adopt so I wouldn't have to go through with it. Now I'm going to great lengths for a biological child.

2. I had a feeling there would be something amiss with my to conceive and voila I was right! But it's him, not me. Surprise!

3. I go from being scared it won't work to scared it WILL work. LOL Problem I'd like to have.

4. I'm sick of being jealous of other people who have no problem TTC... had to hide a ton of people from my Facebook newsfeed.

5. I know that SOMEDAY it will happen for us. I too thought IVF would be no problem because it worked twice for a friend the first time each and she now has 3 beauties. But our journey is much longer. OHSS, 2 BFNs... onward to #3!

MrsC430 · December 2013

So many of these posts make me feel like I'm not alone in this lonely journey. All of you ladies are very brave and strong!

1. We were originally Dx as "Unexplained IF" from our first RE. She told us our testing didn't show anything abnormal, and to try IUI. I had a gut feeling that something was off. We decided to get a second opinion before trying IUI. So we did, and sure enough... our new RE discovered my blocked tubes. Can't believe our first RE missed something so important! Since then, I've never been afraid to ask questions or stand up for myself throughout our treatment.

2. I came clean to my (hard ass) boss early on that we are doing IVF. I was SO nervous to tell her and expected her to have a million questions or judge me. Turns out, she also did IVF and has been super supportive and understanding. Go figure

3. I've developed a bond with our nurses at our RE's office. Is that weird? They've gone above and beyond for us this past year. I appreciate all that they do very much.

4. I used to be so mortified of going to the OB/GYN for my yearly appt. Now I feel like I'm never phased by doctors seeing my "stuff"... not sure if that's a good or bad thing?

5. On bad days when I feel beyond heartbroken and defeated, I think about holding our baby for the first time. That thought always keeps me fighting.

ekc0630 · December 2013

1. I never ever in my life thought I would be 31 without children. I always said I wanted to have my first child by the time I was 27 and my second when I was 30.

2. My husband has been my rock. I never could have went on the journey without him by my side.

3. I never thought I would have to do IVF. I always figured IUI would work. Take the best swimmers and put them where they need to go......WRONG

4. IF has brought my husband and I first to the darkest of places and then right back out. We are stronger now than we ever were before.

5. I don't want to tell anyone about my next cycle. Even though I'll have to travel out of state.

violetmarie61516 · December 2013

Sunny B said:

@boyanki ---I'm just like your #3, and #4 = ew! She's deranged!
I love reading these (and hate it- you know what I mean) It's good to empathize and feel like we're all in this together.

Mine may come out more like confessions but oh well.
1. I look back at a time back when DH and I were both 21, and first together where we had sex without a condom for approximately 1 minute before putting a condom on, and we were so terrified that I would get pregnant from pre-cum that we went and got me the morning after pill. Which is really not that funny, because it's a big deal- but kinda hilarious at the same time because HELLO!!
2. I definitely harbor some resentment at MIL/FIL but mostly MIL because she seems to gloss over the fact that our IF is caused by DH having undescended testes until the age of 4. It's hard to not think that we would *probably* not be struggling like this if they would have realized/taken care of it earlier. Also, DH has a twin brother, who had the same issue and he's in denial that he could potentially have a low sperm count, too. Um, HELLO!?!
3. I went to an astrologer/psychic last August, before we knew there were issues, and she told me that I was super fertile and would have no problem having babies. Um, HELLO!? She told me that I would have an ARIES baby and possibly twins. She was right on about my bff, and I'll admit that I sorta kept that information in my mind, because maybe she was just seeing my fertility potential??? So anyway, when DH suggested that we move our FET back to the beginning of July (instead of mid-June due to school year) because it would allow us to use a new year of our HSA, I was on board, partially because it was his idea and it put me in range to potentially have a late March due date (ARIES).
4. IF has made me more financially responsible. I was in some credit card debt, but I was able to pull back on spending and dig myself out of it, while also adding to our savings, because I know that we needed all the money we could get (OOP) and also if we needed to get a loan I needed to have good credit. So that's one positive thing that came from IF, I'll never be financially irresponsible again, because I see that rainy days, can in fact, cost you a shit ton of money and it's been raining a lot.
5. When DH called me after talking to the lab about the grading of our icebabies, I was sitting down eating a snack, I had two paper plates stacked on top of one another, and took the bottom one out to write the ratings on it. I put a big heart around them and wrote I LOVE THEM! And now our giant life size panda that we have sits in the living room, holding the "baby plate" and every day, DH and I come in and ask Schmoozie (the panda) how the baby plate is? OMG, I sound like a psycho. So I guess that IF has made me love my stuffed animals and inanimate objects more. Gotta be a mom in some way I guess.

We totally did this once! It is slightly embarrassing and no one else knows. I regret that stupid pill now! I have wondered how it would have played out if we did get KU that night.

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