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January 2014 Moms
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Parenting Styles

silentsiren11silentsiren11 member
in January 2014 Moms
What do you do when you discover you and DH have totally different parenting styles?

A little back story: 16 yo BIL came to live with us a little more than a month ago because he was not listening and getting into trouble at home. Now, DH says I'm too strict because I want BIL to do things like be where he says he is, come home when we tell him to, not have people we don't know in the house unsupervised etc. In addition, when I say no, DH always makes me the bad guy.

Beyond BIL this is now causing me to have a huge breakdown about LO and how we are obviously not on the same page with how we will raise her.

How would you address this? Talking has not gotten through. And tonight's ugly cry after he sat me down to tell me I need to be less strict obviously wasn't the right direction either.

I'm at a loss.
Charlotte Lynne ~ Jan. 23, 2014

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Re: Parenting Styles

  • MarkandAbbiMarkandAbbi member
    I would be curious if his thoughts differ for his own child, especially being a girl than for BIL. Also since he came at 16 might make a difference vs raising the LO from birth!? I feel for you though, DH and I are pretty much the same in ideas.
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  • ac1259ac1259 member
    Yeah my thought would be that he's going easy on his little brother because he doesn't want to be the bad guy...with your own child you'll have 16 years of experience and discipline with your own child before you're there. My DH and I have slightly different parenting styles but I think we're kinda learning together as we go- we were both raised drastically differently. 




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  • ashybearashybear member
    Siblings are different than children, and I'm guessing there's a huge amount of history that your husband is trying to deal with as he thinks about where his brother fits into his life right now. You probably both need to cut one another some slack, as you worry about bringing a LO into the home, and try to do right (and good) by your BIL. Neither of those is a simple or easy task. Is this a long-term/permanent situation? How does BIL feel about his soon-to-be niece? How do you feel about BIL living with you once LO arrives?
    Ashley, FTM, Age 31, Southern California
    Jude Meyer was born January 12, 2014, at 21 inches, 7lb, 8oz.
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  • brideandbrevebrideandbreve member
    ac1259 said:
    Yeah my thought would be that he's going easy on his little brother because he doesn't want to be the bad guy...with your own child you'll have 16 years of experience and discipline with your own child before you're there. My DH and I have slightly different parenting styles but I think we're kinda learning together as we go- we were both raised drastically differently. 
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  • silentsiren11silentsiren11 member
    Thank you everyone for the support. @ashybear to answer your questions: It appears to be permanent, even though BIL threatens to move back home every time he doesn't get his way. His mom was near nervous breakdown with him, and he was constantly and violently fighting with his 19 yo brother, so that's why we were asked to help (at the time DH said so we could give him the discipline he was lacking). He seems to be excited for LO. He hangs around pregnant teens a lot so he is somewhat accustomed to pregnancy, though not really considerate. I am very nervous about his attitude and behavior when she arrives.
    Charlotte Lynne ~ Jan. 23, 2014

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  • silentsiren11silentsiren11 member
    kellydew09 said:

    I'm confused. If he was getting into trouble at home, there is no way you're being too strict. This isn't a vacation - he's living with you to get his life back in order. It sounds like maybe the ground rules weren't laid before he moved in.


    While I don't think it will be an issue with how you parent LO, it is important that you and your DH at least have a unified front with BIL. If he knows you are split on a specific topic, he'll always think DH will be on his side. Same goes for raising LO - you've got to be on the same page until you can discuss it further privately.

    All of this is exactly my point! DH told him at the beginning it wasn't a vacation and laid ground rules, but apparently he's given up on all that.

    Thank you, your comment perfectly summarizes everything I've been saying and makes me feel validated.
    Charlotte Lynne ~ Jan. 23, 2014

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