Need IL help...

huzzahuzza · December 2013

I was worried about this even before J was born but it's already starting...

DH is the youngest of 3 and so since childhood the older brothers have been telling DH what to do, either through example or flat out telling. I am really not a fan of how his oldest brother has raised his kids. They are rude and picky and frankly undisciplined. For example, when we went out to dinner for BIL's birthday, his children (8 and 4) were screaming, crawling under the table, throwing food, and interrupting adult conversations like it was their job.

I really don't want J growing up thinking these types of behaviors are okay. SIL has jokingly apologized for any of the things "her boys teach mine" but it is a serious FEAR of mine. As soon as J is old enough to know what's going on, I know I'm going to hear about it.

So, this leads me to the latest comment to come out of their mouths... "We did it, why won't you?" The family is going Christmas Tree hunting this weekend and we told the fam we would THINK about taking J out in the woods with us. We watched BIL and SIL hold screaming babies out in the cold and we watched them both sit in the running car with a child because it was too cold. We don't really want to do that to J.

We are around his family almost every weekend! How can I approach this issue and others without alienating or sounding "holier than thou"?!?!

emmy236 · December 2013

Unfortunately you just have to stand your ground. My mom is one of 7 kids and was second to last to have a baby (only by 2 months) so everyone wanted to give her advice. A lot of my cousins were insane like you described. My mom would just say "no my daughter isn't doing that" or if she had enough notice she would say we had other plans and she would take me to do something else. Yes, on occasion I was "sick". If it's too cold to take the baby to cut down a tree id say "I really want him to remember his first time cutting down his Christmas tree." That could buy you a few years! If not just say he's not been feeling well. Bottom line if it's not going to be fun or safe situation for LO you have to be a mom first and do what's best for your child and a good in law second.

My ILs rent dirty, cold cabins in the middle of no where for thanksgiving and I went last year preggers and it was awful. I said then we wouldn't go this year and my MIL and SIL gave me hell. I'm tired of being nice to them when they do absolutely nothing for us. I was raised with manners so I'm not rude but I don't let them bully me into something that isn't right for my family.

TradeMama · December 2013

I have two nieces... 16 months and 7 years. My brother's philosophy on parenting is "I want her to make her own decisions... I don't tell her what to do." Which is very different from my very strict parenting style. My other SIL (DH's sister) doesn't have a philosophy as much as she just pawns the kid off on her parents a lot.

Once in a while, the kids will pull the
"but Cousin is..." Or "but Cousin gets to..." And I just tell them, "they're not my responsibility... You are. And you know what the rules are." I don't worry about it hurting anyone's feelings.

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