- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
May 2014 Moms
jjtyler
member
Accused of name stealing!
jjtyler
member
Bear with me on the background...
My sister is 40 years old and going through IF right now. She is divorced and has finally settled down with a great guy a couple of years ago and has been trying for a year. I love her so much and my heart aches for her and her journey.
I am four years younger, have been married for almost 11 years, and have an 8 year old. I only say this because it's sometimes a sore spot for her (she got engaged and married after me to a not-that-great guy...and I sometimes feel guilty because I think she did it because of my engagement--in fact, I know it was...plus, she announced her engagement at my bachelorette and booked her wedding the day after my wedding...telling everyone that it was now HER time).
I got pregnant with DD when she left her alcoholic hubby after 6 months...I felt guilty. Many years passed where she did her single thing and I did my married thing. Hubby and I had a rough patch a few years ago after my car accident. I changed, he didn't...and I had to really dig deep about life lessons and all that after school special stuff. Everyone knew. I am an open person and it was tough for me.
Fast forward to now. After Hurricane Sandy and the craziness of my experience...after school special stuff came to a head and the hubby and I are working on accepting our evolving relationship...I am 36 and I always wanted another child. We decided to try in the spring/summer...and after 4 months, we were blessed with this pregnancy.
My sister has made several digs about how she was just happy that the hubby and I were sleeping together again...that things were "working out, after it didn't look so great". You know what, I am the first one to say it too. I am happy that I am in this place in my life...I am NOT ashamed of the hard work that it took to get here.
The ULTIMATE zinger happened over Thanksgiving. This baby is a boy. We have known, thanks to Verifi, since week 11. Jack was the name we picked and with a spirited 8 year old who is BEYOND THRILLED to get the sibling she has been begging for...she has told everyone and their neighbor the name.
Now, I know I told my sister over the summer that we had narrowed the names down. She definitely mentioned that she liked Jack a lot, but because of her man's last name (which has Jack in it), she could never have used it.
She is now saying that this was HER name since childhood and that everyone knew it. I am 1000% that this is NOT true. Other than her mentioning that she liked it over the summer, I NEVER heard this name uttered. It was just the tone and way she said it, I felt like a name stealer. And honestly, with her IF struggles, a lot of the family jumped on the "your poor sister". After she went up to bed, the whole family started chatting about different names that we could pick. It wasn't mean spirited, but it was clear they "saw her point"....but, I don't like any other names now.
If you are still reading this...would you change the name? Or say screw it, this is what I picked and my sister has lost her damn mind? I am torn because I feel awfully guilty for even being pregnant right now (irrational, but true)...
My sister is 40 years old and going through IF right now. She is divorced and has finally settled down with a great guy a couple of years ago and has been trying for a year. I love her so much and my heart aches for her and her journey.
I am four years younger, have been married for almost 11 years, and have an 8 year old. I only say this because it's sometimes a sore spot for her (she got engaged and married after me to a not-that-great guy...and I sometimes feel guilty because I think she did it because of my engagement--in fact, I know it was...plus, she announced her engagement at my bachelorette and booked her wedding the day after my wedding...telling everyone that it was now HER time).
I got pregnant with DD when she left her alcoholic hubby after 6 months...I felt guilty. Many years passed where she did her single thing and I did my married thing. Hubby and I had a rough patch a few years ago after my car accident. I changed, he didn't...and I had to really dig deep about life lessons and all that after school special stuff. Everyone knew. I am an open person and it was tough for me.
Fast forward to now. After Hurricane Sandy and the craziness of my experience...after school special stuff came to a head and the hubby and I are working on accepting our evolving relationship...I am 36 and I always wanted another child. We decided to try in the spring/summer...and after 4 months, we were blessed with this pregnancy.
My sister has made several digs about how she was just happy that the hubby and I were sleeping together again...that things were "working out, after it didn't look so great". You know what, I am the first one to say it too. I am happy that I am in this place in my life...I am NOT ashamed of the hard work that it took to get here.
The ULTIMATE zinger happened over Thanksgiving. This baby is a boy. We have known, thanks to Verifi, since week 11. Jack was the name we picked and with a spirited 8 year old who is BEYOND THRILLED to get the sibling she has been begging for...she has told everyone and their neighbor the name.
Now, I know I told my sister over the summer that we had narrowed the names down. She definitely mentioned that she liked Jack a lot, but because of her man's last name (which has Jack in it), she could never have used it.
She is now saying that this was HER name since childhood and that everyone knew it. I am 1000% that this is NOT true. Other than her mentioning that she liked it over the summer, I NEVER heard this name uttered. It was just the tone and way she said it, I felt like a name stealer. And honestly, with her IF struggles, a lot of the family jumped on the "your poor sister". After she went up to bed, the whole family started chatting about different names that we could pick. It wasn't mean spirited, but it was clear they "saw her point"....but, I don't like any other names now.
If you are still reading this...would you change the name? Or say screw it, this is what I picked and my sister has lost her damn mind? I am torn because I feel awfully guilty for even being pregnant right now (irrational, but true)...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Accused of name stealing!
Her issues are not your fault, hugs!!
Leave it for your baby (maybe think of some back-up names incase the baby doesnt suit the name Jack) Your sister is not pregnant yet, and who says that if/when she does get pregnant it will even be a boy?And if it is, she can use it as a middle name. Sorry but she sounds like she's just being petty and a name hog.
My friend had her baby before me, and she decided she was going to name her Olivia, which is a name that i've loved since i was a kid. Yes, I was upset, but I was realist. I was not pregnant at the time, with no knowledge if I would ever be pregnant.
Good luck and congrats!
I really love the name Clara but my divorced SIL "called it" (Claire, actually) years ago. She reminded us of this we were discussing names a few months ago. But lately she's been saying she's thrilled to be an aunt, but doesn't think she wants kids anymore. (She's only 28.) I'm tempted to use it, but I won't because of how many times she's said it's her name. I feel like the situation with your sister is different because she admitted she won't be using it because of her mans last name. I say it's fair game then! Plus it sounds like she didn't make it well known that it was her "pick"
I agree with PP's. No one owns a name, so technically you cannot "steal" it from her. While your sister is probably in lots of pain right now, it's not fair for her to try to overshadow your happiness with her own insecurities. If I were you, I would go ahead and use Jack! It's an adorable name and the one you have decided on. The is absolutely no guarantee that she will have a son in the future, and based on her previous statements, it would seem to me that the name Jack is off the table for her anyways. Best of luck to you - this isn't an easy situation to be in!
she needs to grow up. she can't even use the name and she wants you to not use it? ridiculous.
My usually low-key-to-my-crazy husband took this more personal than I did that night...but everyone in my big Italian family was a couple of drinks in the wind when this topic came up ;-).
I am hoping that 2014 is her year, so she can focus on that...she does deserve nothing but happiness...
But if Jack won't work with her last name- if she's mentioned that before- if she's not pregnant- if you'd already mentioned you were considering the name... I just don't see the problem. Seriously. I've been on this infertility roller coaster for 5 years and I've watched a lot of names I love pass me by. It happens. It sucks when you're the last one naming a baby and have to pick something that's just not quite as awesome as you wanted- but you can't claim a name.
Or you can claim a name. But you've gotta be vocal about it and willing to ignore anyone who decides to take it first- and name your baby that anyway. I don't think there's anyone in my friends or family who don't know that our girl name is Elisabeth. It's been Elisabeth for years. It'll be Elisabeth still if we have a boy and are just hoping for a miracle second child. But I don't give a rats behind if anyone else uses Elisabeth- as long as they don't care we're still going to use it if we ever have the chance- no matter how many other little Elisabeth's are running around. That's the closest you can get to claiming a name.
Friends for 17 years. Married 10. TTC since Jan 2009.
2013: IVF#3/FET#4 Elisabeth CJ born April 30, 2014
Cerclage, P17, and 3 months of bed rest brought us our Rainbow.
Dum spiro, spero.
2011: FSH 13.3 & E 99; AMH 0.54 2nd FSH 6.2 E 40's AFC: 8
BFP from Clomid/IUI ~ Pre-e and IUGR during pregnancy ~ DS born 9/4/12
Feb./March 2013: AMH less than 0.16 (undectable) and AFC = 4;
BFP from supps ~ DS#2 due May 2014
May 2014 January Siggy Challenge:
There are many other things I should probably seek counsel for. Having the sibling guilt we all fall victim to sometimes, especially with pregnancy hormones, seems the most normal of them.
BFP # 1 - 12/19/09 EDD 08/27/10 - D&C 1/26/10 @ 9w5d
BFP # 2 - 06/05/10 EDD 02/17/11, DS1 born on 2/14/11
BFP # 3 - 04/10/13 EDD 12/21/13 - D&C 05/15/13 @ 8w4d
BFP # 4 - 07/27/13 EDD 04/08/14 - CP 07/29/13
BFP # 5 - 09/14/13 EDD 05/28/14, DS2 born on 5/22/14
Like PP's have said, I would NOT change the name. The absolute worst case scenario is that she has a boy a year from now and also names him Jack. My SIL named her kid the same name as my step-son. I think it's stupid she did that, but who cares if they're two cousins with the same name? This is more her issue than yours, and I agree with @ksyknelvr73 that a serious conversation is in order. Based on your history, things will not get better unless you hash it out. Maybe even with a professional present. I'm sure she is jealous and resentful because of her struggles and I feel bad for that, but you can't allow her issues to control your life and your decisions on how you name your baby. Sorry you're going through this.
BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.
BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.
BFP #3 - 1/18/13 EDD 10/1/13, natural mc on 2/2/13 at 5 weeks, 4 days.
BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section
I agree with a PP about having a serious talk with your sister. While I also wouldn't discount her struggle, it sounds like she's done (and continues to do) some pretty nasty things to you that seem to be out of jealousy. Doesn't seem fair.
I'm going to add because I think some of the comments above are a little harsh and don't really grasp how difficult of a battle IF is. Saying "Sorry. Not your problem your sis can't get knocked up" is so insensitive and just not how you treat someone you care about..and I think OP is sensitive enough to realize that. Doesn't mean she needs counseling. The thing is (and I think OP gets this) - this is isn't JUST about a name...it is about seeing people over and over and over and over again have something that you can't. I don't really think most people get that until they have lived it...at least not fully.
So I do "feel" for your sister. When I was battling IF, I literally had a coworker decide to name her kid a name that I said I was going to use if I ever had a daughter. (Turns out it did not matter because I had a DS and DS2 is on the way.) She was pregnant and we were talking about names and I said, "I have always loved XYZ name and plan to use that if I ever have a daughter." Literally, I had the name picked out since I read a book about a character with that name back in junior high. Then, a month or two later, lo-and-behold I heard her and another coworker whispering about the baby's name. In light of the fact that I had just gotten my IF diagnosis, it was a really hard blow. So I do "get" where she may be hurting...all the more so because you are her sister. I don't think you are wrong or crazy to be sensitive to that....
BUT (and it is a big BUT), there are just too many variables. First, even if she has a child or adopts, she may never have a little boy. Further, the bigger issue is that if her husband's last name is Jackson or Jackman or something similar, it would be ABSURD for her to use that name!!!
So, in sum, I think it is completely appropriate to be sensitive to your sister, but I would not change the name...just have a sit down talk with her about it. You might find that the issue has a lot less to do with the name and a lot more to do with just how she feels about the pregnancy in general.
2011: FSH 13.3 & E 99; AMH 0.54 2nd FSH 6.2 E 40's AFC: 8
BFP from Clomid/IUI ~ Pre-e and IUGR during pregnancy ~ DS born 9/4/12
Feb./March 2013: AMH less than 0.16 (undectable) and AFC = 4;
BFP from supps ~ DS#2 due May 2014
May 2014 January Siggy Challenge:
Years ago I mentioned how much I love the name Cadence for a girl, and that if I ever had a girl, that's my top name. Then a couple years after that step sister said she loves the name Cadence. Not sure if she had any recollection of our past conversation of that name. Now I feel like if this baby is a girl I could never name her Cadence. I feel like its too much of salt in the wounds for her. I can find plenty of other names, names that will not drive us further apart.
I know what you're going through is hard, and I wouldn't totally give up on Jack, but i would also try to find other names as well. Maybe have a conversation with your sister about it. It's hard for you and for her.
DS#1 - Apr 22, 2010
DS#2 - Oct 26, 2012
DS#3 - May 28, 2014
When my sister was pregnany she was hoping to a girl and name her Tatiana, but it was a boy. I got pregnant the following year and had a girl and named her Tatiana. My sister ended having 2 boys after the first one so I'm glad a least one of us got to use the name. It's unfortunate what your sister going through but she shouldn't be playing the victim with your family.
But I am naming my boy Jack! You can't! LOL. I seriously am. The rest of the family and your sister need to back off.
She's 40 and sounds like she's acting 20. It's a name that many millions of men have. One more isn't "stealing", particularly when it 1) doesn't go with her s/o's last name, 2) she's not pregnant, 3) may never get pregnant, and 4) if she does, may not ever have a boy. That's an awful lot of "if" going on. I'm terribly sorry she's had a rough time of things, but you didn't get pregnant with a son on purpose to destroy her perfect future. She seriously needs to grow up and get over it.
Edit: Get over the name- not the IF diagnosis/ treatment. That shit is hard.
DD born 2/3/03
BFP 3/21/13 w/ EDD 12/02/13, C/P 3/29/13.
BFP 9/18/13 w/ EDD 5/26/14,
Beta #1 @ 14-16dpo = 375, progesterone 33.6
Beta #2 @ 20-22 dpo = 8,782!
Beta #3 @ 27-29dpo = 44,230, dx subchorionic hemorrhage/ threatened mc
Beta #4 @ 29-31dpo = 72, 080
Grow, little one, grow!
***** All AL Welcome *****
IF is an extremely personal and difficult struggle. I am sure that there are some irrational feelings she has with me getting pregnant and having the focus of family conversation on the baby. Again, that's human. I am trying to respect that because I do love her immensely. We are a close, dysfunctional group of six siblings :-) We have no mother figure and my Dad is our rock...he does always "feel bad" for the wounded birds in the family and always goes overboard defending whoever it is at that time. It's never really been me. I haven't had the easiest road, but I have a husband who's been around for 15+ years and is like another son to my Dad, I have a good job, a house, a great kid already...
I am leaning towards the keeping of the name...BUT, I will take a PP advice and just stuff it in for the next 20 weeks and tell everyone when the baby comes. We do have a couple of back-up names...but I am fixated LOL.
Thanks again for everyone's advice. I appreciate it.
I do understand how from her perspective it could seem like you are doing something spiteful but I think as long as you are clear that you don't mean to hurt her, that's all you can do. It sounds like no amount of talking will change her mind about how she feels though so it might not make a difference. I think it will blow over in he long run.