Tips for a FTM dealing with my own mother

TonyaAU · December 2013

I need honest advice on how to handle my mother's constant advice and belittling of my ideas of how I want to raise my child. I keep reminding myself that she's only trying to help me, but it's driving me up a wall and the baby isn't even here yet!

Some things we are arguing about that she keeps lecturing me that she's right about:
- giving a newborn water
- giving a newborn cereal
- I shouldn't wear my baby because that spoils them and they will never learn to walk - never hold a baby more than necessary cause that's what swings/bouncers/seats are for
- it's ok to place a newborn in a bed surrounded by pillows and call it a day
- I should never feed my baby a room temp bottle because it causes issues

We've even had arguments over the swaddlers and the boppy pillow. It's gotten so annoying that my original plan was to have her watch LO while I'm at work, but now I'm thinking of starting daycare as soon as I start back because I feel she won't respect any of my decisions. I just don't know how to handle this situation within hurting feelings or starting a raging argument.

angelashly · December 2013

JohnJacobJingleHeimer said:
"Thanks for the suggestion. We've already discussed ___________ with the pedi and have made our decision on this issue. I don't want to discuss it again"

Ditto. Been there done that and it works. If she doesn't listen then you take action.

SummerSnow11 · December 2013

If it was me and it was financially feasible I would do daycare instead. That is, if you really think she won't respect your wishes.

I hope you are able to talk with her though and work this out. Good luck!

TonyaAU · December 2013

Thanks ladies, I will definitely use that!

I love my mom dearly, but she's even told my cousin (who just wanted to give me a heads up) that I will do everything her way in the end. Luckily I've saved up for daycare cause I know how stubborn my mother is, and I know she will do things her way at her house no matter what I say, even saying the pediatrician line, cause she doesn't listen to her own doctor.

RondackHiker · December 2013

Some of these aren't even a difference of parenting style but major safety concerns. She wouldn't get to be alone with baby at all if she were my mom.

Don't argue. "We made our decision and I don't want to discuss it."

TonyaAU · December 2013

I appreciate that you guys are making me feel less like a crazy person for objecting to some of these things! I was almost starting to blame myself for being an overprotective FTM but this makes me feel much better. I'm definitely going to take the more direct approach because right now every time I try to explain why I want to do things a certain way, I get met by, "you survived when I did these things"

RondackHiker · December 2013

"Mom, I love you and want you to be a big part of baby's life. But you need to realize that I am the mom now and that I am the one who gets to make decisions for Baby. You need to respect me as a parent and accept that what I say goes and stop raging with me, or you're going to have limited time with Baby."

ShakeyJakey · December 2013

TonyaAU said:
I appreciate that you guys are making me feel less like a crazy person for objecting to some of these things! I was almost starting to blame myself for being an overprotective FTM but this makes me feel much better. I'm definitely going to take the more direct approach because right now every time I try to explain why I want to do things a certain way, I get met by, "you survived when I did these things"

It's hard because it's been a good 20-30 years since our moms had babies and things have changed SO much. It's even harder with my MIL because she has a 16 year old so she tries to tell me what rules they had for car seats back then. Do you really think they haven't made progress since then lady!?

The best thing to do is to not explain yourself, like PP said. "It's not up for discussion," "I appreciate your advice and I'll take it into consideration," "This is what works for us and how it's going to be done," and the like will be your often repeate phrases. If you don't think she will listen to you then I definitely would do day care.

Good luck, and congratulations!

LittleFish1 · December 2013

@tonyaAU sorry you are dealing with that. My mom & MIL keep stating that times have changed since they were raising their kids, and that there are different beliefs now about feeding & etc. Good thing your cousin gave you the heads up.

Nita2603 · December 2013

Been there, done that. Sorry, I know it is hard.
'Mom, I am his/her mother and THIS how we want to do things. This is just how it is going to be, it is not up for debate.'

Also, daycare.

Btw, my mother did not go along with what we told her and is now no longer aloud around the kids alone without one of us.

LaurelBee · December 2013

Nope. I'd find new daycare and I'd definitely nip it in the bud now Bc it looks like you have a long road ahead. GL mama

LaurelBee · December 2013

Eta- my Fil is not allowed to be alone with my kids Bc I've seen him make terrible decisions with my nephews. He purposefully goes against their wishes and does what he wants. (Like take my 18mo nephew for a car ride ON HIS LAP.) It caused a big fight when we told him he can't babysit and it was awkward for a while, but I need to 100% trust people when I leave them with my kids and I don't trust him. Stay strong and do what's best for your LO.