Ideas for deferring FF criticism?

oscarwao · November 2013

For personal reasons, I will be FF my LO. I'm aware of the benefits of BFing but there are some factors weighing in on my decision and After some debate I'm content to FF. I know many members of my family however are strong advocates of BFing, and I'm afraid a few members in particular may be rather insistent that I BF when little one arrives. Has a FF STM discovered a polite way to deflect well intentioned lectures? I don't care to discuss my reasons for FF with my family but I feel "this is just the decision I've made" will be met with so many follow up questions... I'm tempted to fib about my production when the time comes, etc. Any advice STMs?

Miles2Go · November 2013

Buy Madela bottles and when in their company, pretend the formula you're feeding is pumped milk. Otherwise, refuse to discuss it, change the subject, etc. Ignore the naysayers and remember that feeding formula does not make you a bad mom. You don't owe an explanation to anyone.

I'm not a FF STM. Exclusive bf mom for 18 months now, but just know that not all bf moms will judge you

oscarwao · November 2013

Thanks! Yah I don't believe BFing moms are judgey.... Just some of the BFing moms in my family, haha! The Madela bottles is a great rec, thanks!

rainydayluck · November 2013

I FF DD from day one purely because I didn't want to BF. This one will be FF as well. I just said no, I'm not doing it. Any follow up questions or pursuading, I repeated saying I don't want to and that's it.

For a snarky response, if it is a female, ask her personal questions about her flow and such. I think it is just as personal to ask about BFing as it is to ask things like that. Just be strong. If you are strong, they won't think you can be "won over" with their annoying comments.

tna112 · November 2013

I don't have answer for you but I just wanted to wish you good luck and commend you for sticking to your guns. As long as you're feeding your baby I don't see a problem at all. I BF my son 9 months and then lost my supply so we had to switch to formula. I was the first of my family to BF so I was almost the weird one. Either way you're baby has a full belly and a loving home so that's winning in my book

Best of luck!

mrsbtobe20122 · November 2013

I would ask then if they are going to bring their boob over at 2 am, if its that important to them what you feed your kid....

dragossoul84 · November 2013

I wanted to breast feed but my milk never came in my peditrician kept insisting I not give my son formula and keep trying to breast feed. My son was born 7lbs 3oz at his one month he was just around 4lbs and I told her the most important thing was that I FEED my son and gave up going to formula. He immediately started gaining weight. My suggestion is that if some one questions you tell them they are welcome to parent their children any way they see fit as you will with your children and leave it at that. I let some people make me think I was doing something wrong and it got my son labeled failure to thrive in the beginning.

momthatlifts · November 2013

I would never question why someone would choose to FF instead of BF. I am going to BF for my first time but I'm certainly not rolling my eyes saying "ew why do you choose to feed your kid that way". Good luck!

lv2011 · November 2013

I think all you ever need to say to someone is, "My kid, my rules." They don't like it, they can shove it. Stick to your guns and let it be known you won't take crap for it.

SweetTea420 · November 2013

It's really none of their business. The decision to BF or not is a personal one. Just tell them you have made the decision to FF and leave it at that. If they keep prying just tell them you're not comfortable discussing it...hopefully they will get the message!

pistolpackinmomma · November 2013

We switched to formula for medical reasons but still had a lot of criticism. But when I BFed there was criticism there too. You can't win at pleasing everyone so just focus on your family (as in your H and kids) and everyone else can suck it! Just politely say that it is the decision that you have decided is best for you and your family (ultimately the baby needs a happy mom more than BM, trust me my FF baby is plenty smart for his age) and that you would rather not discuss it any further and change the subject.

ebox322 · November 2013

This is really hard I know! I tried to BF for about 6 weeks before I gave it up. I had a bunch of personal reasons (supply, baby weight gain, bleeding nipples, scabs etc) that I just didn't want to discuss with anyone! I had random people prying too, I'm a relatively young mom too so I feel like I get EXTRA "oh you should be doing things this way". The best advice I can give is to just shut down the conversation. "BF just wasn't the right choice for us" end of story, you shouldn't have to say anything more. People will get the hint when you're just flat out not biting their bait.

This really is such a personal thing I don't know why anybody says ANYTHING about what you're doing with your baby and your boobs!

yepyepsms · November 2013

I think it's so sad when ff or bf moms get criticized...which I think both do and it sucks! We are feeding our children for f's sake!! I would just say stay strong and don't entertain conversation and decide your firm response such as "I am feeding my baby with formula and I am not discussing anything further". I had the opposite that my family thought bf'ing was weird. I would either avoid or be very firm and shut down comments/conversation so they knew I wasn't going to take the judgement. Good luck and congrats!

busterbeagle · November 2013

This won't really help you deal with stupid people and their nosy opinions, but I love this article. I wish everyone could have this attitude about BFing/FFing: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/01/i-support-you-breastfeeding-_n_3685881.html ETA: ugh, hormones. I've read it before but I'm still crying.

frasey · November 2013

STM here - we BF'd DD for about 2 months before we switched for formula. best move ever. I hated BFing, and between that and DD being super colicky Im sure the pressure to keep trying contributed to PPD. Not cool. we are FFing this one from day 1, as we know that its right for us.

As PPs said, its really no one's business, and Id tell them so.

RedInLove · November 2013

I wouldn't necessarily be polite, I'd have to really try!

I'd start with something along the lines of what you said to us, that after good consideration and thought, FF is the best choice for you and your baby. If they persist, be firm in stating that the decision has been made. If they still push, tell them that when they make the baby, they can make the decisions, so STFU.

Don't lie, don't make something up, don't offer any specific explanation. It's a personal decision, one that you do not have to explain or disclose to anyone. Don't even open that door, because it sounds to me that if they are that nosy and pushy to begin with, then they will find any way for you to get around or remedy such and such condition. You've made a decision. End of discussion.

ABColeslaw · November 2013

Sigh, I wish people wouldn't try to stick their opinions in on new mothers. I formula fed my son for medical reasons, but truthfully, I hated nursing with a passion and even if the medical issues never came up, nursing would have been limited....very limited. I got a couple comments about FF, some very rude. I just pointedly looked away until the person felt dumb. None of their business how you choose to nourish your baby. Some people just don't want to and that reasoning is fine.

artichoken · November 2013

tell then you're on a medication that you cannot bf with?

Kris2011RN · November 2013

It's my personal choice what to feed the kid and this is what we want. If they get too upset about it I would say that it is your body and you can do what you want.

tna112 · November 2013

busterbeagle said:
This won't really help you deal with stupid people and their nosy opinions, but I love this article. I wish everyone could have this attitude about BFing/FFing: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/01/i-support-you-breastfeeding-_n_3685881.html

ETA: ugh, hormones. I've read it before but I'm still crying.

Thanks for posting this article! Such a good read. But seriously, why can't everyone take this stance of support instead of judgement?

runningyogimama · November 2013

I tried BF, but my milk didn't come in for 8 days, we had to start supplementing after 2 because she had lost too much weight, and by the time my milk did come in, we were both frustrated, my nipples were sore and cracked, and I was overwhelmed with either BF or pumping every free second instead of sleeping or enjoying my baby, and I realized that BF over FF wasn't worth my sanity.

I found this article at about 4am one night, crying, and needing reassurance:
https://m.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/04/the-case-against-breast-feeding/307311/

MeredithElese · November 2013

busterbeagle said:
This won't really help you deal with stupid people and their nosy opinions, but I love this article. I wish everyone could have this attitude about BFing/FFing: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/01/i-support-you-breastfeeding-_n_3685881.html

ETA: ugh, hormones. I've read it before but I'm still crying.

Ahh the hormonal emotions!!!!! *don't cry don't cry don't cry*

Ziegeficker · November 2013

Me personally, I would lie. I know it's noble to stick to your guns and be honest, but honesty in this case is more exhausting. However, saying your supply is low could trigger a slew of tips and suggestions for how to ramp it up...so pick something full-proof if you go that direction.

daisyemerson · November 2013

My mom couldn't BF me due to inverted nipples. I know nowadays there are ways around it with pumping and such, but I bet if you told people that, they'd get uncomfortable and end the subject quickly. Or if you don't want to get so personal just say you physically can't and FF is the best (or only) option you have.

It keeps it polite, would probably keep people from nosying further or trying to give advice and just accept it.

Lild09 · November 2013

It's none of their business what you do so I would ignore them or tell them that this is what works best for the family. On another note there are some really great formulas out there now that are organic too, it's not the stuff of the past!

Hnova86 · November 2013

I love what previous poster have said. To say that it's just what's best for you and your family. BFing didn't work out last time and you want to save your sanity and any heartache of trying and it not working out again. Plain and simple! I love whoever posted that huffington post article!!! Amazing read! No matter what you choose to do there will be eyes rolled or what have you. I was the very first person out of my ENTIRE family to breast feed and did so for 15 months. I can't tell you how many times I got asked "why don't you just let me feed him a bottle." Or "didnt you JUST nurse him. He can't possibly be hungry already. He just needs a bottle to fill his belly up" ummmm no. i had a crazy supply and could pump a 6-8oz bottle EASILY. But that's what worked for us. It was so easy and second nature for us. But it's not like that or as easy for other people! Who am I to judge and who are they to judge me?? None of us can win either way

You just have to feed your babies and that's all that matters. If FF if how you do it, you go girl!! Keep your chin up and don't fret too much over it. You are doing what you know is best!

KristaU831 · November 2013

Check out the fearless formula feeder!
But it's no ones business. It seems like such a big deal but in the long run it's not.

Laura_Elaine · November 2013

I BF, but don't side eye people who FF, and most certainly never ask their reasons. The important thing is that you're the mother and you are, in fact, feeding your baby and not letting him/her starve. You are feeding, and clothing, and loving your baby and your method of feeding does not reflect you love your baby any less or care for your baby in a harmful way... so I have no experience, but I would point out how you are caring for your baby as a mother is supposed to do. If they don't like it, they can have their own baby and raise it as they see fit (oh, wait... your mother already did that...)

MissLadyTay · November 2013

I wouldn't lie and I would expect lots of pushy questions. I breast fed my son and was still shocked at how many total strangers asked whether I was breast feeding. So rude. If someone asks "aren't you breast feeding" or "why aren't you breast feeding?" I would answer (honestly) "I don't want to talk about it." And stick to that. Let people guess why. It's none of their business.

Shell+Bell · November 2013

It's sad to hear how women are judged for the way thy feed their babies whether it be FF or BF. I've done both, with my first I gave up BF in the hospital. I didn't expect it to be as hard and painful as it was so I stopped and FF. I never got any comments or looks from others (that I know of) and I enjoyed it. For my second I knew what to expect so I stuck through it and was successful with BF, and I did so until 10-11 months when he weaned off himself. And that's when I got the comments and looks. Family would say things like 'you're still breastfeeding?' Or 'you're going to be one of those moms who BF the kid until their 8 aren't you?' And then I got the looks from people while BF in public. Like I'm putting on a show for them.

Honestly I hated BF. Much preferred the FF. But I will try BF again with this baby but only for financial reasons. Formula can be pretty expensive and adds up really quickly.

dollface777 · November 2013

I'm a big breast feeding advocate. I BF my daughter for 13 months before she self weaned. That being said, any way you feed your baby is the right way. I would not judge a mom for FF at all because that's what's right for her and her family. Just say to anyone questioning you "this is what is right for my family" no one can question you about it because they don't know your extenuating circumstances. You're a good mom.

sammy.k · November 2013

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. What works for you and your family is typically what's best for your baby. With DS I tried desperately to breast feed and it just didn't work for us. By the end of the day we were both miserable and crying. This time around I've thought about it a lot. At first I really wanted to give it a try, but now with a new born baby and the stress of moving 13 hrs away a few
short weeks after he/she is born my husband and I both agreed that it's just not worth it for us.

On a side note, I don't think breast milk looks anything like formula, FYI.

kristine526 · November 2013

So long as you're feeding your child, I dont see how its anyone's business.

jjones59 · November 2013

I'm like some other posters, I feel its not any of their business your personal choices on how you want to feed your LO, I formula fed from Day 1, as I knew it would be best for us due to my work schedule and other circumstances. It actually turned out better because my DD was allergic to milk anyways.

I like to take whatever my family says and put in in one ear and out the other, your raising your kid, they are not.

JAM85 · November 2013

I agree with PPs in that just cutting people off at the pass and saying you are doing what is best for your family's needs. Honestly it seems people find something wrong no matter what whether it be FF or BF or mix or weaning to early or too late etc. my MIL gave me grief about getting a book online about nursing saying she didn't need one and was fine and that there was nothing to it- while all I hear is how much people weren't prepared for what could happen and how to deal and so dropped it. I also find it rediculous how offended people get when mothers BF in public- granted I plan to be discreet about it but come on! Maybe don't stare like a creeper when you see it...the point is do what you need to do for you and ignore people opinions that frankly don't matter in the grand scheme of things

sisterjanet · November 2013

Miss Manners indicates a cold stare and maybe saying "I beg your pardon" is a totally polite way to respond to rude and overly personal questions, if you prefer keeping it short and trying to be civil. Funny non-answers are also good, but I can't think of any that work for people getting in your business about how you feed your kid.

If you're a more bold person than I am, you could also try the Lady Hulk approach. (As in, they won't like you when you're angry. It's fun to think about, but that approach doesn't work for me at all.)

Dellaramsey · November 2013

I tried to exclusively BF dd but ended up starving her for 3 weeks. I switched to pumping with an occasional ff supplement. Was able to give her breast milk for almost 5 months like that. With this baby, I'm not even going to attempt BFing. I will try to exclusively pump, if that doesn't work then ff it is!

It's nobodies business what you are feeding your baby as long as he/she eats!

rainydayluck · December 2013

This is one of my favorite FFF articles. It is a great blog.
https://www.fearlessformulafeeder.com/2012/01/dirty-milk/
ETA: it is just food for thought.

oscarwao · December 2013

Thanks for the excellent resources!

artichoken · December 2013

"why aren't you breastfeeding"

"oh do you smell that? junior just pooped ll over.nee, excuse me"

lol....would be my adversion out of that situation.

buggywhips · December 2013

I thought you meant forward face so I was coming in with my fighting pants on

I Don't have any real advice on the matter, but I think it's shitty that this is something that is even worried about. As long as your babis being fed age appropriate foods people need to STFU.

Ideas for deferring FF criticism?

Re: Ideas for deferring FF criticism?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards