anyone else feel guilt about the birth audience??

lifesaverz · November 2013

so my mom & I were just talking today, & she was clarifying what role I wanted her to play during the birth process, & she seemed a little surprised at first when I said that of course I would love to have her there for the labor (if she wanted) & then definitely right after the delivery in the hospital (so not DURING delivery). I thought we had clarified earlier on that I didn't want anyone else besides DH in there for the actual delivery, but I guess maybe she was still hoping? I'm not exactly sure. Well so she made me second guess my plan a little bit, but I went home & thought about it, talked w/ DH, & then determined that I really do want it to be just us for the delivery. And not because my mom wouldn't be awesome, btw, because she would be, & I love my mom & we are really close - I think it's just my own personal thing, with being such a private person when it comes to my body (I always have been), & because I don't want to feel self-conscious, & I want that special experience with just DH & then a little bonding time to try & breastfeed before people start coming in.

So I talked with my mom on the phone later tonight & clarified what I wanted with her, & she acted like it was fine but I'm pretty good at reading her & I can tell it still bothered her to some level anyway. It's awesome that she will be respectful of my wishes & everything, I guess I just feel a little guilty now!

I do feel confident in my decision, so it's not that I'm looking to change my mind or anything, but just needing to get my feelings out a little I guess. Anyone else feel guilty about keeping totally awesome family members out of the delivery? Sorry this was so long guise!

Ansleyturner · November 2013

tarashea721 said:
No guilt here. My baby, dh's baby-no one else's. I want to have time with the 3 of us. Our moms will be able to come in after about an hour.

My labor buddy is so wise. This is exactly what I was going to say.

My mom keeps TRYING to make me feel guilty and I just shut her down real quick. Its something I want to experience with no one else besides my F. No guilt here. I would probably kill my mother if she was in the room anyway.

kendalsheryl · November 2013

We're not even calling family until after its all over and we're settled with our Baby Girl in our room. Partly to avoid family drama and stress on us and partly bc L&D waiting area is soooo tiny. We told his mom our plan- she raised her eyebrows but was respectful and understanding. My family is all several states away and we're not telling them our plan- they'll know when they know- they can whine about it then.

thetheisens · November 2013

I am pretty sure my mom wants to be there during, she was for my first, but was on vacation when my second was born. I don't want her there this time because she gets too freaked out about things and makes me anxious. We are waiting to tell people that we are going to the hospital until after she is born. I understand feeling a little guilty because I know she just wants to be there for the special moment, but ultimately I have to do what's best for me and my sanity- just like you do.

mavgirl_73 · November 2013

No one was there when we made Nola but us two, and it'll be the same when she's born. It's been great to just have DH and I there for both of our daughters.

KFiori1 · November 2013

No guilt here. I find it an extremely special moment when DH and I meet our child for the first time, and wouldn't ever want anyone else there for it, despite the face that my mom and I are extremely close. When I was pregnant with my first I casually mentioned how a lot of women have their mom in the delivery room and my mom responded with "umm please don't make me do that" Lol both my parents are always waiting at the hospital and hang out with me while I'm in labor (after the epi) and they come see the baby as soon as they are born. But no one in the delivery room for us.

Caitlinh27 · November 2013

I have some guilt mostly because DH feels bad for his mom and thinks she will be upset (she hasn't asked anything about it so we haven't specifically told her no yet.) He doesn't agree that we shouldn't tell people until LO is here and he thinks if our moms aren't in the room during the birth they need to be able to come in right after. Needless to say we are still trying to nail down our exact plan.

Petit392 · November 2013

Went through a similar thing here. My mom was very understanding, but I can tell there's a part of her that's bummed about it. But it's an extremely personal choice and everyone has to respect it. This is not the time to be worrying about everyone else's feelings. Easier said than done, I know! I'm more concerned about going through the labor portion with people in the room. If the pain is too much I'm totally kicking people out. But delivery is just me and my husband!

Skylight21 · November 2013

My mom will be the only one in the room with me, SO will be away at work and they wouldn't give him the time off

. But my mom and I decided not to tell my grandparents right away because my grandma wouldn't want to leave the room and lately she has been irritating me a lot. So I don't want to freak out on her and hurt her feelings when I tell her to GTFO of the room.

CJFantasia · November 2013

kendalsheryl said:
We're not even calling family until after its all over and we're settled with our Baby Girl in our room. Partly to avoid family drama and stress on us and partly bc L&D waiting area is soooo tiny. We told his mom our plan- she raised her eyebrows but was respectful and understanding. My family is all several states away and we're not telling them our plan- they'll know when they know- they can whine about it then.

DH and I have decided the same thing. I don't want anyone rushing to the hospital at 2am. This is our time as a new family. Grandparents, and aunts and uncles will get the call once she has arrived. They weren't thrilled, but what can they do. I don't want the pressure of knowing there are people waiting when I'm trying to do soon to skin, and start breastfeeding.

cammyisagirlsname · November 2013

My mom wants so badly to be in the room too. We are very close but no way, no how. She has actually been a little "too close" to me lately. And I just know she would stress me out. Plus it's a special moment between H and I. No one else. She can meet her grandson after. And not immediately after either.

n8swife · November 2013

It will only be DH & I. Same as last time. I don't feel guilty. I'm very close with my mom and sister and they wouldn't even ask to be in the room. They know that if I needed them in there, I'd ask.

lp0 · November 2013

I definitely wouldn't have any guilt. L&D is not about anyone besides you, DH and lo. We will call my mom to let her know because she will come stay with DS (but we also told her when I was having DS) but other then that we don't tell anyone until after lo is here. I probably wouldn't really care except MIL is crazy and refuses to respect boundaries.

I honestly don't understand why anyone would want to be in the room period. I don't even want to be there lol

Mrbatesisinnocent · November 2013

This may just be me, and is highly influenced by the fact that I'm still in the hospital after giving birth less than 24 hours ago, but any guilt you may feel about this prior to delivery will absolutely not be there after delivery.

shoeflypie · November 2013

I'm actually worried about the opposite. I don't want to go into labor at work and have them not allow me to drive the 2 miles home to meet DH to go 3 miles to the hospital. I have a feeling I'll be calling my grandma to pick me up from work and she will want to stay and then will tell the whole family. I want it to be me and DH, skin to skin, try to bf... Then clean up and let the family in to see.

swirl25 · November 2013

Nope...the birth of your child is a personal, emotional, special event and if you only want it to be between you and your H, you have every right to that. As PPs have said in the past....no one was there when you MADE the baby, so no one is entitled to be there for the birth unless that is what you want.

sportsmomma · November 2013

No guilt here! I know my mom was a bit disappointed last time but never said so. I just wanted the special time with DH. He calms me down in stressful situations whereas her and I are too alike and she'd stress me out.

As a STM it's much easier because she will be with DS so she gets to play a very special role of entertaining him and making him feel special while mommy and daddy are at the hospital. Her and my dad will bring him up when baby is born and will be the first to see the new LO with DS so that's special too.

bubblesmtu · November 2013

I'm continually surprised that people want others besides their H in the room with them. There's no way! I guess I'm not that close to my mom but I would never never allow my MIL to see that. We may not call anyone until after the baby is born if I have my way. And I have zero guilt about that.

kimberly4411 · November 2013

My mom got to be in the room with DD and I guess she assumed that meant for all future grandchildren. Nope! It's going to be just hubby and I, I tried breastfeeding DD and she was all in my shit, grabbing my boob, trying to get it erect (awkward!!).
If I didn't need someone to watch dd then no one would know when I went I to labor. My whole family lives here, it gets crazy.
Good for you for sticking to your guns!!

TheBorg7of9 · November 2013

Tell her she gets to come in for delivery a long as she shows you her vagina too

MamaHanna · November 2013

Ansleyturner said:

No guilt here. My baby, dh's baby-no one else's. I want to have time with the 3 of us. Our moms will be able to come in after about an hour.
My labor buddy is so wise. This is exactly what I was going to say. My mom keeps TRYING to make me feel guilty and I just shut her down real quick. Its something I want to experience with no one else besides my F. No guilt here. I would probably kill my mother if she was in the room anyway.

Bingo! That is right where I am at. My mom originally was going to be in the room but due to some really inappropriate comments she made she got kicked out. Well she has since apologized but we still don't want her in the room. She has basically pulled out every guilt trip in the book to get back in. Some day when this little girl has a baby I will not be doing that to her because it sucks. Just know that the best choice is what makes you feel the best. This experience is really about you so you have to feel ok with what is going on.

lisab613 · November 2013

I don't feel any guilt. We're going to let our parents know when we're going to the hospital, but we're going to ask them not to leave to come to the hospital until the baby has arrived. the L&D rooms are kinda small, they have a policy about how many people you can even have in them, and frankly it could take hours and I don't see a need for them to rush down before the baby's even here. They seemed a little curious about that part but I think people are OK with it. They'll arrive about the time we should be going to our post-partum room. It makes sense to me! Gives me some time to clean up and bond with baby and DH before we get visitors.

Aycul18 · November 2013

Ansleyturner said:

tarashea721 said:
No guilt here. My baby, dh's baby-no one else's. I want to have time with the 3 of us. Our moms will be able to come in after about an hour.
My labor buddy is so wise. This is exactly what I was going to say.

My mom keeps TRYING to make me feel guilty and I just shut her down real quick. Its something I want to experience with no one else besides my F. No guilt here. I would probably kill my mother if she was in the room anyway.

Mine too. We don't have a good relationship most of the time, so sometimes I just don't get why she's trying to guilt me into being there?

Anyway OP, my personality is the same. I always feel bad, but stick to your guns. It sounds like although your mom isn't happy with your decision, she still respects it. This is the time for you and DH and baby. As soon as she meets baby, She'll get over it and everything will be good!

playball13 · November 2013

Luckily both my parents and DH's parents live 2000 miles away so it isn't something we have to worry about it. However, my mom and I talked about it once and she said that she wouldn't want to be there for the delivery. She thinks it is something for the parents (not grandparents) to experience together. Also, even though I am 38 years old, she says that I am still her baby and she still gets upset when I am in any sort of pain. Thanks mom!

kyrsties · November 2013

I agree with your decision-making completely. There isn't really room for a lot of people in there, and if something happens, there will be less people in the way. I had my mom and dad in there for DD's birth, and I'm fine with just having DH in there this time because I don't remember anybody in there other than DH and our amazing nurse when she was born. I don't even know when my mom and dad left, haha!

frantastic12 · November 2013

Nope, no guilt at all. No visitors during labor either. My mom has no filter whatsoever, and previous experiences have proven that she just can't keep her mouth shut. I don't need my stepdad, their neighbors, her coworkers, and people in line at the grocery store to get a graphic recap of my labor and delivery.

MIL is two hours away, and I don't think she would expect to be there anyway--both her deliveries were c-sections under general anesthesia, so she's never actually witnessed a birth.

We haven't made a final decision on when we'll be calling family before--I'd like to wait until after the baby arrives, but my brother will be dogsitting for us, so he'll need to know when we head to the hospital. Our hospital does 1.5-2 hours of skin to skin and BFing afterwards, so we'll be off limits until then at least.

northport6 · November 2013

When your mama sees your little one a few minutes after birth, all this will become a distant memory. I PROMISE. If your mama is awesome enough to not burden you with her expectations, she'll be the kind of grandmother who will instantly forget that she ever wished it was any other way the minute she sees your new little family together for the first time. Let go of the guilt -- she clearly doesn't want you to feel badly about your decision, so you definitely shouldn't! Hugs!

cpiganelli · November 2013

My mom and SO with be the only ones in the room. SO's mother still thinks after several several conversations with her that's she's going to be there. UGH actually irrates me she just doesn't get it and has even said if she's there she'll make a scene so she can be in there. So with that being said, unfortunately nobody on his side is getting called until after LO is here and were back in a regular room.

Lyzza350 · November 2013

No I really don't. I want ppl to be happy but this is one of the most personal moments of my life. It had to be about my hubsands and my wants and needs. This is the one time I'm allowing it to be about me guilt free.

valigrl21 · November 2013

I totally understand you wanting it to be just you and your husband. And it is your body, your delivery, your child.

But I thought I would offer another point of view - I initially didn't want anyone else in the delivery room either. But my mom and I are very close, so I ended up thinking she could be there for labor but I would want her to leave when it came time to push. I also said the same thing to my MIL. But when it came time to push, I didn't care if either stayed, I had other things on my mind at that point.

And I am so glad they were both there with me. My mom was a wonderful support and a day or two later, she thanked me and told me how incredible it was to get to witness the birth of her first grandchild. I know it meant a lot to my MIL too, who has 8 grandkids - she was there for all their births, except one who was born c-section. And it was such a wonderful moment in my life, that I am so glad they were there to see it.

I hope this doesn't add to your guilt, I just wanted to offer a different perspective. You do what's best for you, your husband and your LO.

parker0706 · November 2013

My mom, stepmom, and MIL, all of whom I'm very close to don't really seem upset by my decision but my sister is a completely different story. She complained to my entire family at an early Thanksgiving dinner the other day which annoyed me to no end. I love my sister and we are very close but I feel like giving birth to my first child is something DH and I should experience or ourselves. I've had people swear up and down once I'm delivering I will change my mind, which I may, but that still gives me every right to express what I want right now.
On a side note everyone has asked if my MIL who's a retired OB will be in there and they seemed very surprised she won't. I'm sorry but I'm high risk and delivering at a "teaching" hospital so the room will already be pretty packed with my regular OB, perinatologist, 2-3 residents, and nurses. She's not offended by any means and said she would be too nervous if something went wrong since it's her grandchild.

lifesaverz · November 2013

swirl25 said:

Nope...the birth of your child is a personal, emotional, special event and if you only want it to be between you and your H, you have every right to that. As PPs have said in the past....no one was there when you MADE the baby, so no one is entitled to be there for the birth unless that is what you want.

what great perspective! thank you this is helpful

lifesaverz · November 2013

thank you ladies so much for sharing, this was really helpful & helps me feel more confident in my decision. I think I was feeling that bit of guilt mostly because there are really no issues between me & my mom (so it's not like I'm making the decision because she would stress me out or anything like that), & I think maybe just "wanting it to be a private moment" didn't feel like enough of a good reason. But what you all shared was really helpful, esp those of you who are also really close with your moms but still saying no, I'm glad to hear that my reasoning is totally okay & that I shouldn't feel guilty!

grannyweatherwax · November 2013

Wanting a private moment is a great reason

Vanessaa3659 · November 2013

Not guilty! This is our first baby and I'd want it to be a special moment between my DH, me, and my LO. Because you'll never get that special moment back. Hell, I don't even want them to visit until after we get home, we've figured out the bedtime and feeding routine, and we've settled down a bit. It's YOUR body, YOUR choice, and YOUR baby. Do what you think is right.

zou bisou · November 2013

*Raises right hand* I do solemnly swear to never, ever force or guilt my way into someone else's delivery room. Good grief.

Nechamamaslovsky · November 2013

Don't stress! Your mom and you are obviously close and she must be a good mother so for sure she will understand that your needs should come first. I'm the opposite of you guys though, I don't want my husband in the room when I deliver. I want him to be in the waiting room with some cigars and when I've delivered he can be brought in to the room. We will see if I get my wish on that one.

anyone else feel guilt about the birth audience??

Re: anyone else feel guilt about the birth audience??

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