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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
littlemurphy2912
member
MIL help
littlemurphy2912
member
So before I get to what I need help with, I want to make sure I get all of my ducks in a row before then so I apologize for how long this discussion may be. My MIL is a very sweet, caring, loving person. She would do anything for me and loves me to death. Her mother passed away when she was in high school, her dad remarried, and she has been on and off with her stepmom since they got married which I think is pretty typical. She is one out of 6 siblings and the only girl. She hasn't ever really been close to any of her SIL's and they all live pretty far away. She lives 15 minutes away from my husband and myself and her daughter is 3 hours away in college. She only has her MIL that lives also about 15 minutes away from her who gets on her nerves a lot and is always complaining to us about what she does or says and how stingy she is with her money. Her MIL has decided to move up north to be close to her daughters that have kids. My MIL and I have had a good relationship prior to my DD and would do stuff together and had fun. We would email each other, check in and talk which was very nice. As soon as we had our DD, she has gone a bit crazy and has drove me nuts since before she had a baby shower for me. Her and I's relationship has changed a lot. We hardly talk to each other or anything. I have talked to my DH about all of this and I get tired of still telling him about it when it bothers me because I know he can't change anything about her or do much beyond telling her to stop. He will step up and say stuff to her and she has started to get on his nerves a little bit with stuff too. She is very possessive over my DD since she was born and I let it go and just let her do her thing considering it's her first grandchild but she has kept doing it even after my DH tells her to stop. She won't listen to us when it comes to our DD. I'm about to go crazy because I don't know what to do. My DD is now 15 months old. There are things she says about my DD that drive me nuts and my husband has said things to her about it but she just keeps saying them or doing certain things that just bug us and I don't know what else to do. Help!
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Re: MIL help
This exactly. My Mom unknowingly laid down the truth the day I brought DD home from the hospital. What she said struck me at the core about how to handle grandparent relationships with my daughter.
She was sitting on our couch cradling her precious little granddaughter and telling her she was going to have the most amazing life... She wouldn't be there to see it, but that she was going to grow up and live a wonderful life.
Grandparents don't always have the luxury of time. My parents will be in their mid 80's when DD graduates HS. Hopefully, they live that long. They are trying with all their hearts to build a relationship with her that is tangible and she will remember and treasure...to leave a legacy and to do it all in less then 20yrs.....think about how you would behave if you knew you only had 20yrs. with your child.
When you truly understand and absorb that concept... all the little stuff just doesn't matter. Yes they feed her things sometimes I wouldn't, yes they don't follow the nap schedule exactly, or they make suggestions to pierce her ears, or dress her differently, or, or, or....but I don't sweat the small stuff. They absolutely adore her, and follow our instructions in regards to her safety...that is the only thing that truly matters.
After you have given her your position, the next time she brings up the same topic and pushes, your response is "We discussed this already and you know our decision" any time after the second time, and I would simply ignore the comment. You aren't required to continue to justify your position or engage the comments.
My coping mechanism to dealing with my IL's is to try to give them alone time with DD. That way I don't have to hear all the annoying things they say.
Seriously, some things you just have to let go. Or be like me and be a little more assertive with your responses. "Yes, I heard you say several times now that you think DD needs her haircut. I can tell you that DH and I have chosen to let it grow out. That is our decision so let's talk about something else." BIG smile.
Or, "Really you think babies look cuter with ears pearced? Personally I think pearced ears on infants looks trashy. Ultimately we will let DD decide whether she wishes to have pierced ears when she is a teenager." A gentle reminder that you have an opinion on how to raise your child too and your opinion trumps hers.
She wants pictures? Take a picture with your iphone every couple of days and text or email it to her. It costs you nothing and will make her day.
Dental work? "Why are you so concerned about her needing dental work? Were you planning on funding it?" BIG smile and wink! Hey, maybe she will!
I could go on.... Point is that, yes, you need to manage your reactions a little better. Figure out what you can do proactively, like setting up dates in advance so that she has something to look foward to, sending her pictures frequently... And like my DH always tells me... "just let her talk". It's just talk. It doesn't always mean anything..that really matters.
Breathe- it is annoying but you had a good relationship before.worth rebuilding it and letting things slide.
I feel your pain with this. My MIL is difficult as well. Most of the time my husband and I let it go because she does help us with our daughter and we appreciate that, and also because, she as a human being, is impossible to have a rational discussion with :-P.
Even though I mostly let it go (or am forced to by circumstance), It really does annoy me and frustrate me to the maximum level. Every time it happens I try to remind myself to breathe.
However, my MIL is very passive aggressive and sneaky with how she makes her comments/attitudes so I don't have a lot of opportunities to address her comments head on, because she will deny things. When my MIL does make a comment that really digs at me, I do my best to defend my position while being polite and nice. It is not easy, but you gotta do what you gotta do!
Hang in there! I really feel your pain- and what you feel is normal and warranted