Not sure why...but it bugs the crap out of me when people don't tell their family about being KU?!?

nemosucksII · November 2013

If, Heaven forbid, something horrible happens - you obviously would be very upset for a while. Don't you think your parents would know something is wrong? So why not tell them right away, so they can be there for you along the way?

csbucher · November 2013

Having just experienced a miscarriage I am very happy I did not tell anyone. The last thing I would want to do is have to talk about it right now.

nemosucksII · November 2013

csbucher said:

Having just experienced a miscarriage I am very happy I did not tell anyone. The last thing I would want to do is have to talk about it right now.

I am SO sorry for your loss, honestly. But, wouldn't it be nice to have a shoulder to cry on instead of holding it all in?

SuperKim13 · November 2013

You don't have to hold it all in after a miscarriage, even if no one knew you were pregnant. You can tell them what happened later on your own time, when you feel ready to talk about it. You have no idea (and I hope you never do) how difficult it is to call your loved ones when you are devastated and hear their sadness, too.

SuperKim13 · November 2013

csbucher said:

Having just experienced a miscarriage I am very happy I did not tell anyone. The last thing I would want to do is have to talk about it right now.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Mjl0405 · November 2013

I'd rather not get the grandmother's, grandfather's, aunt's, uncle's and cousin's hopes up...just to let them down. With us having two chemical pregnancies in three months, we would have had to do this twice already. DH and I will enjoy knowing alone for awhile, and after our 8 week ultrasound, we will share.

I'm not sure why you felt the need to offend some of the ladies here, but everyone is different, and will do things as they feel is best for them. I'm sorry this "bugs the crap" out of you.

yvanehtnioj · November 2013

There is a HUGE difference between seeking support when you are ready and having to untell people while you are going through a loss.

SuperKim13 · November 2013

nemosucksII said:

csbucher said:

Having just experienced a miscarriage I am very happy I did not tell anyone. The last thing I would want to do is have to talk about it right now.

I am SO sorry for your loss, honestly. But, wouldn't it be nice to have a shoulder to cry on instead of holding it all in?

This is very insensitive. This woman can decide what is best for herself and I doubt very much would be "nice" right now.

LadyMacaron · November 2013

You've either:

A. Never suffered a devastating loss

B. Don't realize how common losses are

C. Never experienced Infertility

or

D. Are kind of a judgy Mc. Judgerson

Listen, yes, it is nice to have people to lean on. I told my close family ASAP even though I am terrified. BUT, not everyone has the same thought process, defense mechanisms, family dynamics...and most importantly, why do you give a shit? Does it affect you at all? It's weird you care about other people's lives so much.

rockopera · November 2013

Why the fuck do you care what other people do with their very personal information?

And for the record, my family knew way way earlier than I was ever comfortable with. It caused me some
serious anxiety when I was forced to be out and pregnant at 6 weeks at my MILs funeral. I did not want to talk about it, I did not want to be the center of attention, and I was terrified about what would happen if I didn't stay pregnant.

AmericanInOz · November 2013

plus if you know your family is blabby, you will call them when you need support - but maybe don't want your business broadcast to anyone & everyone in the meantime

Km672 · November 2013

**lurking**

Speaking as someone who has experienced a loss, it is an incredibly painful and personal experience.

Sorry it 'bugs the crap' out of you, but you just don't get it.

24karat · November 2013

nemosucksII why should it bug the crap out of you? And your comment to @csbucher was incredibly rude and insensitive to say the least.

You're kind of a troll and seem to be wanting to stir things up...again.

curlylocks3 · November 2013

So sorry not sorry it bugs the crap out of you to see people doing things differently than you do. You owe the woman up post an apology for judging the way she handles her grief.

haloform · November 2013

wow, OP... could you be any more patronizing and judgmental? your presumptions about other people's familial support "bugs the crap out of me".

PrimRoseMama · November 2013

joules235 said:
@nemosucksII

Perfect.
=D>

OP, you seem to be an insensitive bitch.

spacepotatoes · November 2013

GhostMonkey said:

csbucher said:

Having just experienced a miscarriage I am very happy I did not tell anyone. The last thing I would want to do is have to talk about it right now.

I am SO sorry for your loss, honestly. But, wouldn't it be nice to have a shoulder to cry on instead of holding it all in?
You are really looking like an asshole on this topic. For your own good, stop.

That's how she looks in just about all of her threads/posts. It appears to be her only purpose for being on TB.

Empireceo · November 2013

I don't tell anyone until the 2nd trimester and I've been fortunate enough to never experience a loss. It makes me nervous for someone when she announces at 6 weeks but it doesn't bug the crap out of me. Everyone's different.

cakergirl · November 2013

LadyMacaron said:

You've either:

A. Never suffered a devastating loss
B. Don't realize how common losses are
C. Never experienced Infertility
or
D. Are kind of a judgy Mc. Judgerson

Listen, yes, it is nice to have people to lean on. I told my close family ASAP even though I am terrified. BUT, not everyone has the same thought process, defense mechanisms, family dynamics...and most importantly, why do you give a shit? Does it affect you at all? It's weird you care about other people's lives so much.

I agree... But you left one off. Or D) have been so sheltered in life by a family that holds your hand through every step of your life that you cannot fathom how the world works.. To the OP. some people are private people, some people are not close to their families. My husband is my rock and offers almost all the support I need in this type of situation, and in addition to that my life long best friend happens to be and obgyn. So really, those are the only two people that need to know. You want to know what my sister said when I told her about my first miscarriage (after the fact, I never told anyone I was pregnant until after it was all over)? My sister laughed and said "well good, parenthood isn't all its cracked up to be, if you had kids like mine you wouldn't want any kids anyway. Don't have your own kids, just take mine!" Yes, I think in her own twisted introverted and unable-to-relate-to-others (much like you) she "meant well" but really comments like these make me want to kick her in the face. My other sister said "well if it's gonna happen its better that a miscarriage happen to someone like you, you are a doctor and probably have really good health insurance that covers all that fertility and in vitro stuff, and if it doesn't you can afford to just pay a surrogate!" ... (For the record, my insurance doesn't cover fertility/IVF and I have a $4500 dedictible in case anyone was wondering). And reading your other posts, these sound like the type of comment you, too would make to someone experiencing a loss. So yes, when you wonder why people don't share the news, or when it "bugs the crap" out of you why people don't want "support" just remember, it's people like YOU that prevent the rest of us from sharing the news. People like you- who don't understand, don't get it, can't can't fathom what real struggles and real loss might be like. You are the reason people like me want to keep it private. Because I know people like you, and people like my sisters, can't possibly offer anything positive or helpful.

allardr · November 2013

I disagree my family and in-laws are very supportive but they live real far away so they certainly wouldn't know unless I shared. I'd have enough support with DH...I guess down teh road when we had another pregnancy I may share but I wouldn't want to talk about it. Everyone is different.

flerlgirl · November 2013

AmericanInOz said:

plus if you know your family is blabby, you will call them when you need support - but maybe don't want your business broadcast to anyone & everyone in the meantime

This - I did tell my parents and they swore not to tell. Then two days later I got FB messages from people at church telling me my mom told them the good news. It would be one thing for me to tell my family but then to also have to tell everyone they told? No, thanks.

Luna C · November 2013

LadyMacaron said:

You've either:

A. Never suffered a devastating loss
B. Don't realize how common losses are
C. Never experienced Infertility
or
D. Are kind of a judgy Mc. Judgerson

E. I believe this is the latest incarnation of the troll who said women shouldn't get pregnant after 30. And that anyone who uses daycare is "institutionalizing their little ones."

Probably best if we all just ignore it.

SGC29 · November 2013

This post is really fucking obnoxious. Who are you to judge when others announce? Why are you assuming that everyone would need/want that support?

I had a chemical pregnancy last month. I am really glad my mother did not know because she is fucking terrible in situations like that and would have put the blame on me, somehow, as she always does when something "goes wrong".

This post pisses me off.

lv2011 · November 2013

So many ((((hugs))) @ncchnatand other loss ladies. I'm so sorry you saw this completely insensitive and obnoxious post.

@nemosucksII , just shut the fuck up.

Luna C · November 2013

Thanks @car_seat. I didn't think to check post history.

I almost feel bad for this person. Imagine how sad your life must be that you have to resort to this to get your jollies.

Danielle0311 · November 2013

*lurking* I made the mistake of telling both families about my pregnancy... Welp after I lost my baby at 8.5 weeks, a few weeks later my MIL thought we were apparently grieving for too long ( 2.5 weeks is too long to be sad to her i guess???)and told us to "stop wallowing and move on, it was a small hiccup in our life and we need to move on" sooooooooo needless to say we do not need that type of "support". never thought we would have family say something so insensitive but we will absolutely NOT be telling them next time around....

jenandtim828 · November 2013

I think you have to consider the different types of families. One reason we are not telling DHs family is because they aren't the people I'd go to for support. If something were to God forbid happen, my dad isn't the first person I'd call ( and we have a great relationship). Your post makes me laugh because it makes me crazy when people tell their family when they are like 3 weeks pregnant. I also wanted time for just me and DH to absorb our news without everyone being involved. To each her own I guess!

Meery82 · November 2013

Well, I was about to stand up for nemo here getting flagged for no reason, then I saw she's the one who started the 'is 32 too old to be pregnant?' And 'I can't believe you institutionalize your LOs in day care!' posts. Stop stirring up shit for no reason. It's fuckin annoying.

Unknown · November 2013

This content has been removed.

dragonfly711 · November 2013

I told my mom but hubby has not told his mom. His mom is almost 81 yrs old. I had a mmc back in feb and we told her before I had mmc. If he told her all she would do is worry because that is the type of person she is. Her health is not the best so he would rather wait and tell her after first tri. Which is in a few weeks.

Everyone has their own opinions just because it is right for one doesn't mean it is for everyone.

Edit.
I forgot. I told my sister who was 22 when I had my mmc in feb that I would be at the hospital by 8. She is in a different state than me.

Told her my hubby would let her know how I made out. She told me that she was going w her younger sister to swim w the dolphins so she would not be by te phone all day. Oh also she said her phone was dying so she would not have a phone anyway.
But she was able to put a pic of the empty parking lot of where she would be all day on Facebook.

I was so hurt. She said she would call me that evening.

My sister still has not called since to see how I am doing.

Not everyone thinks the same way. I was so hurt.

katekat8721 · November 2013

edited: Not going to feed the troll, nope!

Twiggymommy · November 2013

Not everyone has a supportive family. My mom told me at 16 that if I never made herbal grandmother it'd be too soon. I still haven't told her, my dad and his side of the family... I told asap because they see babies (even unexpected ones) as blessings

sarah_beth2005 · November 2013

"lurking"

Everyone should be able to make their own announcements, in their own time, as they feel ready. No sooner.

I had a m/c 18 months ago, and DH and I were so grateful when it happened that we hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy - it was hard enough for us to grieve, it would have been even harder for us to have to impose that grief on family. And, more importantly, when you have blabby family members like we do, when you tell your parents, you're not just telling your parents - it's like telling your entire extended family and everyone your parents have ever met. Just the thought of having to "untell" a pregnancy to that many people if we have another m/c makes me ill.

After 2 1/2 years of struggling with IF, we're lucky that our first IVF attempt was successful, and are really excited about our twins. But we also know that because it's an IVF pregnancy, and because it's twins, we're at a higher risk of something going wrong. So we chose not to tell ANYONE until after 8weeks (and then, we only told DH's mom, who is the only person I have ever met who can truly keep a secret). We're slowly going to tell the rest of our family over Thanksgiving and the coming weeks, but trust me when I saw that I don't appreciate being looked down on for deciding to keep my pregnancy a secret until DH and I were both comfortable sharing. I have a friend who just announced a pregnancy on FB, at about 7 weeks, which seems super soon to tell, but she said she's comfortable with sharing since she has 2 other kids, and had uneventful pregnancies with them. Unfortunately, we're not all in that position.

alyss0nl · November 2013

I would imagine it's just a preference, but I'm really close to my family, and would want them to know if anything went wrong. I don't think I could hold out until 12 weeks. To each their own.

EmbracingChange · November 2013

My brother died in 2008. My mother has been seeking solace in the bottom of a bottle ever since. If I told her and I lost it she would call me to discuss things and talk about herself and her feelings the entire time. It would be a weekly occurance. I'm telling her tomorrow- I'm 11 weeks. I've managed to hide it for almost 7 weeks now. I had bleeding from week 5-8. I'm still spotting. I'm dreading telling her now. Not because of miscarriage, but because she'll call me more.

cajuntjv · November 2013

Clearly you have never experienced a loss. I've suffered 2 miscarriages this year and am curently 10 weeks pregnant I vividly remember having to live through telling everyone we had lost our 1st one. We didn't even tell anyone about our 2nd miscarriage.

I believe it's a personal choice and it bugging you that couples choose different times to share the news with THEIR friends and family is quite idiotic in my opinion. I'm just stunned.

Perhaps your concern should be on your own pregnancy vs. judging how others manage theirs.

Jwilliams777 · November 2013

There were a couple reasons I hesistated to tell family. My husbands mom would have been way too much in my business if something happened. Sure, it would be "support" but it also wouldnt have helped me heal. I wouldnt have wanted to kill her. Also, I have a lot of nephews and I wouldnt want to give my sisters the burden of having to explain that to them.

Sometimes support from people who dont understand is hard. Everyone in my family has had easy pregnancies. It took me a long time to get pregnant and their "advice" during that time drove me crazy. So I could only imagine what it would have been like to hear "it'll happen when you least expect it" after a loss.

ACrashe · November 2013

nemosucksII said:
If, Heaven forbid, something horrible happens - you obviously would be very upset for a while. Don't you think your parents would know something is wrong? So why not tell them right away, so they can be there for you along the way?

I'm not sure why it bothers you either. It's really none of your business.

monkeysip · November 2013

Wow. It's your (and your husband's/boyfriend's/whoever's) baby, you have a right to tell when you want, whether that be within a few weeks of pregnancy or after the baby is already born as far as I'm concerned.

I told early because A) my husband was dying to tell his family and

I am so sick all the time at work, I needed to give them a reason for it so they wouldn't just think I was a slacker or suffering a terminal illness.

But that was my choice, and God forbid if I did miscarry, I know it would be really terrible to have to tell all those people about my loss. Let women decide for themselves when to tell. It's not like you OWE other people that information.

dragonfly711 · November 2013

lyracelesti said:

dragonfly711 and all the other ladies here who have suffered lack of support and tragedies, I want to let you just know that I support you and I'm rooting for you.

ETA: I know it's not the same as family, but you've got an Internet Stranger on your side!

@lyracelesti

aww thanks, sorry I have not been on, major phone issues so been on and off a little. I have a super supportive hubby so that is always good. Thanks for your support means a lot!!!

BrandyD06 · November 2013

I have suffered a miscarriage as well as a baby that died two weeks after birth. With my miscarriage and my babies death I really wished people (family and friends) had not known because it not only broke my heart the people who had never gone through that expected me to be right back to my old self. I am still not the same as I was and my daughter has been dead 4 years now. I had people asking me two years later where the baby was which just brought it all rushing back and made it even more painful and broke my heart all over again. People who have not experienced that kind of pain expect you to be a little blue but still functional and depending on the person their grief can make them not want to function. I couldn't go to walmart because every baby, every little girl, even baby clothes and diapers made me burst into tears. OP don't judge someone for trying to protect their heart, it isn't right.

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