FWP and such….did I do the right thing?

CheezeFace · November 2013

My IL's are fantastic grandparents. They love DS so much and are involved in his life on a regular basis even though they live 400 miles away. We are very fortunate. However…..

There are two problems:

1.) They undermine my ability to parent when we are visiting.

2.) They give inappropriate gifts (IMHO) after I expressed my opinion on such matters.

So, here's one example - I was frosting cupcakes for DS's bday party. DS asked for one. I said, "No. Not until the party." I'm not a meany, if he were older and capable of handling more sugar (he acts like a maniac!!) I would probably let my b-day boy eat a cupcake for his b-day breakfast. I'm not a psycho about sugar. But he's 2. He also struggles with low iron. We need to make each meal count right now.

FIL grabs a cupcake off the counter, unwraps it and stuffs it in DS's face. Immediately after I said "no".

I gave FIL the best glare I could manage but didn't see any point in fighting with DS and taking it away so he ate a cupcake for breakfast and didn't nap before his party - you can imagine how that went…

Also for his bday my IL's gave DS a refurbished iPad. We talked about it a month prior and both H and I said, "No Way In Hell" Thank you very much, though. I don't like electronics for this age. I hand over my iPhone in extreme circumstances and let him watch videos of himself, etc…FIL loves to download apps and "teach" DS with them. I don't think DS is learning a thing. He just stares at the screen and touches it until it makes a funny sound. It enrages me when I look over and see my active, vibrant little boy staring at a screen like a zombie. And he will sit there as long as you let him. Which is my biggest problem with this kind of activity….He has no concept of time. I can't say to him, "you can play your game for 30 minutes then we put it away, ok?" The minute you take that device away it is a full blown meltdown/temper tantrum and he continues to ask for it. I'm not anti technology but I don't think it is appropriate until he is older. That's just MHO.

So, we gave the iPad back. They knew we didn't want it. They asked if they could buy it and we gave a very clear answer. Now Christmas is coming….sigh. They asked if he could have the iPad (argh!). If not the iPad, can he have a LeapFrog?

So my questions are:

How do I gently explain that, yes, they are the grandparents but I still need to parent/teach/say no to DS while they are here? They are obviously not the kind of people who read between the lines very well.

Am I being too extreme with this electronics thing? Am I just old? Is this the new way kids are learning and I'm behind?

FWIW - I have an iPad and a computer, etc…I'm not a technology dummy but I really feel that tactile exploring - feeling the pieces of puzzles, manually making the pieces fit, for example, is better than doing the same puzzle on an iPad. Am I wrong?

Thanks, and sorry this is so long….

stever · November 2013

CheezeFace said:

So my questions are:

How do I gently explain that, yes, they are the grandparents but I still need to parent/teach/say no to DS while they are here? They are obviously not the kind of people who read between the lines very well. It sounds like they're being purposefully obtuse - no reading between the lines about it. You've told them to cool it, and they should.

Am I being too extreme with this electronics thing? A little.Am I just old? No.Is this the new way kids are learning and I'm behind? DS has a Leappad, but it's for entertainment, not learning. I mean yeah, there are learning apps on there but there's nothing better than I've taught him

FWIW - I have an iPad and a computer, etc…I'm not a technology dummy but I really feel that tactile exploring - feeling the pieces of puzzles, manually making the pieces fit, for example, is better than doing the same puzzle on an iPad. Am I wrong?No, you're not wrong. The real stuff IS better. Besides, it's your call to make, not the IL's.

Thanks, and sorry this is so long….

Ilumine · November 2013

1) Where is your husband during all of this?

While I am a firm believer that, as an adult, you are fully capable of standing up for yourself and dealing with boundary stomping or rude behavior, for many inlaws unless it comes from their "blood" (and even then) they will not heed your warning because they won't believe their son/daughter agrees with you.

2) Seriously, a glare is all you did when your FIL blatantly disregarded your decision? If I knew that my child would be overstimulated, thus ruining his party, there is no way in hell I would not have done something in the moment.

You let your <insert whatever reason for not standing up to your FIL> become more important that your son's well being and enjoyment.

3) You have created the inlaw "monster" by your previous inactions. Of COURSE the override your decisions because you have never really stood up against them in the past. At the least, they believe that you are following the stupid adage "grandparents get to spoil".

3) I agree with you on the iPad. While we did get an IPAD when DD was 2, it was only used to download/rent movies for our very long roadtrips (we lived overseas and travelled a lot). She never played games and never used it when we were not traveling.

If they disregard your choice, you again hand it right back to them. And you have your DH do it right infront of your son. Sure, you will look like the big meanie infront of your child, but guess what, parenting isnt about being the good-guy, it is about being the best parent.

Look, I get it can be hard. I have had to stand up to my MIL every single time we see her. She seems to forget my spine between each visit (I have only physically been in her presence 7 times in the 8 years DH and I have been together). I have no problem standing up to her with or without my DH's support. And while I cannot control her actions/mouth when I am not there, she is always reminded to keep her actions/words to herself when I am there...and since DD is never allowed to be alone with her, its 95% safe.

My suggestion is to have a long, calm conversation with your DH about this whole thing, I would even bring up the cupcake incident to highlight your concerns. But at the very least, YOU can start being firm. Next time they give that cookie to your son, you take it away, tell your son infront of them "Honey, I said no, and since Granny is not listening to mommy we will have to leave, and then (at the least), leave the room.

mwd · November 2013

No, you are not being extreme. The american pediatric society has just come out reinforcing the 2 hour limit for screen time for young children. Personally, I can tell the days that DH has been sick and DD has watched too much TV or played on the computer, as she is cranky and doesn't eat well, but it happens. If you want to avoid it, you need to make the choices as to how much screen time, how much sugar, etc. Your child has. And I agree that your H needs to talk to his parents about this. Good luck!

CheezeFace · November 2013

1) Where is your husband during all of this?

He hasn't been in the room at the time of any of the "snack attacks".
He fully supports our decisions and does talk to his parents when something comes up.
Grandma has jumped on board. Grandpa is still standing on the dock when it comes to food issues.

2) Seriously, a glare is all you did when your FIL blatantly disregarded your decision? If I knew that my child would be overstimulated, thus ruining his party, there is no way in hell I would not have done something in the moment.

Yeah, all I did was glare. I should have mentioned in my novela above that FIL is hard of hearing and is really struggling with this issue. He's having a hard time getting older and we are trying to be as accommodating and sensitive as we can about this. There is the very real possibility he didn't hear me say "no." He could have just seen DS point at the cupcakes and reacted. It doesn't make it right but it does make it a different problem. IL's lost their oldest son last year and there has been a real grieving process in this family. Both DH and I are trying to "pick our battles" so to speak.

H talked to him later and asked that he ask permission before he give DS any sugary snacks.

I also don't want to create conflict in front of DS if we can discuss it later with just adults in the room. I don't think putting a toddler in the middle of that is my best course of action. It's no different than how I would handle it if it were my H. If there was no imminent danger, I would bring it up later and explain my position rather than 'fight/discuss/usurp' in front of DS.

3) You have created the inlaw "monster" by your previous inactions. Of COURSE the override your decisions because you have never really stood up against them in the past. At the least, they believe that you are following the stupid adage "grandparents get to spoil".

Yup. You are 100% correct. However, I have talked to them. I said, "no" to the iPad and I handed it back. I've said to not giant cars. We have those too. I said no to the $200 Ferarri walker but it still showed up on the doorstep (I wish I was joking. Literally a $150 dollar walker. No, really, Amazon that crap. It exists. I also live in a house with a sunken living room…omg. I thought I was past the walker…apparently not. I digress….). I'm not sure how much more plain in my speaking I can be.

3) I agree with you on the iPad. While we did get an IPAD when DD was 2, it was only used to download/rent movies for our very long roadtrips (we lived overseas and travelled a lot). She never played games and never used it when we were not traveling.

If they disregard your choice, you again hand it right back to them. And you have your DH do it right infront of your son. Sure, you will look like the big meanie infront of your child, but guess what, parenting isnt about being the good-guy, it is about being the best parent.

I totally agree that I'm not my son's BFF, I'm his parent. I don't think letting DS see an iPad and then taking it away from him is the best thing for him though. He's only 2. He has no concept as to why it's being taken away and the only lesson taught that day will be temper tantrums on Christmas get the same reaction that they do every other day of the year - none. I really hope that it isn't a problem at Christmas as we've handed it back once already but if it is, again, we'll handle it just between the adults.

Thanks for your input!

Ilumine · November 2013

"I also don't want to create conflict in front of DS if we can discuss it later with just adults in the room. I don't think putting a toddler in the middle of that is my best course of action. It's no different than how I would handle it if it were my H. If there was no imminent danger, I would bring it up later and explain my position rather than 'fight/discuss/usurp' in front of DS. "

I don't understand this logic?

I mean yes, I would not expect you to have a screaming match with your inlaws. But walking over and taking the muffin out of your toddler's hands is not putting the child in the middle, it is telling your child and those around you, that YOU are his parent.

Do you understand that you not only gave your Inlaws Tacit Agreement to override your decisions, but you just showed your child that if YOU say no, Granny can say yes?

More importantly, when it comes to the health and safety of your child, waiting is not the best answer. You knew that your son does not do well with massive amounts of sugar & has an iron deficiency, and yet you allowed him to have a full on melt down & not eat a healthy meal vs being the parent.

And your answer to this whole thing, is a nasty facial expression? Which is worse than being a grown up and calmly walking over to your son, taking the muffin out of his mouth and saying politely, "FIL, I just said no. DS cannot have a cupcake right now."

What could have modeled for your son is the appropriate way to handle conflict, especially immediate conflict. I

Look, I know I sound sanctimonious. And if I hadn't had a job, where I was "young", female and non-military in an old, male, retiree world, I would have probably reacted in the same way you did.

But I learned really quick that these old beliefs of "respecting the elders" is a holdover from the day when an elder was to be respected because they actually did something amazing by living 5 years past the age 35. You HAD to be something special.

Experience and education are the great equalizer and as someone who is married, has a kid, has kept a job for longer than a year and owns at least one major appliance/machine you are perfectly capable of being an equal.

jlw2505 · December 2013

My ILS are very difficult, mainly my MIL so I totally understand where you are coming from but you are the parent and you need to put your foot down every single time. Just like with kids, you need to be consistent in the message and repeat as often as needed. These are your DH's parents so he needs to sit them down before every visit, every holiday, every birthday and repeat the rules. If they do something while visiting (like the cupcake thing) you need to take the cupcake from your child and explain why to your child and then have a conversation with the IL right away. You can walk away from child so they don't see but only if you have dealt with the child. So grandpa gave him a cupcake after you said no - tell your son sorry but you already told him no and he would have one later. Then walk over to grandpa and remind him that you had told your son no so he was not to have a cupcake. It has gotten to the point with my ILs (who live in town and we used to see almost weekly) that we now see maybe every other week sometimes longer between visits. We carefully plan when we will see them, limit the length of the visit and they no longer baby sit the kids since they can't follow the basics (we give them leeway, they are the grandparents but things like bedtime and food rules must be followed. My MIL is the type that believes all meals must include dessert - we 110% disagree. MIL told us once that in her house it was her rules, DH followed up right away by saying that we won't be coming over again then. We are rarely at their house. I wish I could say it has gotten better with her, but it really has not - we just limit visits. With gifts, she always gives us a list beforehand and DH responds with feedback. Last year, we donated 2 Hanukkah gifts to Toys for Tots as they were things we told her not to buy.

ilovemygirls · December 2013

How often do you see them? I realize that this stuff is annoying, but...you have to decide if it's a hill you want to die on. In our family, there is a running joke amongst the grandkids (oldest now in their 20s) that grandpa never says no. One of my nieces wrote a story about it in elementary school lol. My kids see grandpa all the time and it's true...he never says no. Over the years I've just become more relaxed about it. My dad is 80. He adores my kids (who are now 9 & 7). And they have enough rules/reinforcement with us, so the memories of grandpa giving them an extra piece of candy or letting them stay up too late- those they will have forever. Not to say it isn't annoying sometimes. But I let go of the little stuff. The big stuff- no way. I had to have the conversation that he was not allowed to drive them in the car anymore- that wasn't easy. But it was necessary.

I know it's harder when your kids are younger & there are more immediate consequences for grandpa's actions (ie. meltdowns, refusal to nap, overstimulated, etc). But I found as mine got older & those reactions weren't so intense, that it got a lot easier for me to manage.

As for the ipad- we also haven't ever done a lot of electronics for our kids & I agree with limiting. You could just take it, use it very sparingly for the kiddo (one of those hail mary moments when you've got to pull out the stops) and heck, use it yourselves!

Gamera3000 · December 2013

How did Christmas go with all this? I agree that DH needs to step in but also that if your ILs disrespect you to your face you need to gently but firmly reinforce the rules you already set. Kids need to see examples of appropriate ways to solve conflict.

Luna C · February 2014

I think you've gotten some good advice from the PPs, so I'm not going to repeat all of that, but I do want to reiterate that you are not at all being extreme with the electronics. They have their place in a kid's life -- and obviously kids will need to learn how to use those devices to function in today's world -- but limiting a toddler's screen time is just good parenting.

There have been a number of studies that indicate too much time on passive electronics can actually change the "wiring" of the brain, so to speak -- and they're just learning about what the impact of that is.

I think your rule makes total sense and you may need to explain to your ILs that you have a specific reason for this rule and they are expected to abide by it (and your other rules) or they will see less of their grandchild. Case closed.

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