Blended Families
lookame3639
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what would you do?
lookame3639
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DS came back from a visit upset. Ex's girlfriend was calling DS names (he looks stupid, hes an idiot, stupid selfish brat...some other names which cant be said) and ex was right next to her while she said then and did nothing. Being that we dont have a good relationship I cant just go up to them and say dont call DS names. I validadted DS feelings and told him that shes just jealous that hes able todo things and we can afford things that they simply cant (their electric was turnedoff for several weeks not to long ago due to not paying the bill) but Iit still seems like I cant erase the name calling and it bugs me that ex just sat there and let her do it, in a nonverbal way telling DS that he doeant care enough to stand up for him. Is there anything else I can do?
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Re: what would you do?
I can promise you I would go all sorts of mama bear on their asses.
I would approach your ex in a non accusatory way and just lay out the facts you know.
1. Your ds told you this happened.
2. Ask What happened.
3. Depending on his response, respond appropriately. For example, if he denies it, probe why he thinks your ds would be making it up. If he tries to minimize it or say they were joking, you can address how jokes like that make your ds feel. If he flat out admits it, you have permission to go mamma bear crazy.
Also, I know you can't change it now but I would not have responded as you did to your son. If it was me, I would have said to my dd "I am glad you told me. I will talk to your dad and sort this out" then after you knew more you could have gone back to him. Also I don't think it's ever appropriate to say things like "they are jealous bc we can do so much more and they can't pay their electric bill. ". Your son does not have to get in the middle/ know about that. Statements like that will fuel the problems between your two homes.
I will tell you, my ex hates me. I know that if I had to have this conversation it would not go well. But it's the right thing to do and the right way to handle a situation like this.
Sigir's suggestion sounds like a good way to proceed.
I agree 100% with Sigir.
The problem i always gleem from your posts is that they are bullies and you are too scared to stand up for yourself. You need to have a direct conversation with your ex and his girlfriend.
When she gets in your face, you lean into hers, look her in the eye and tell her she does not scare you.
I would take a beating for my child if it meant standing up to someone like this and protecting my child.
Document, document, document and fight to reduce your ex's visitation and make it monitored visitation. Get someone to quietly watch and film her at games or even at pick up.
There is a ton of things you can do to stop her bullying. Do it for your kid.
If she's not supposed to be at pickups and dropoffs, then refuse to hand DS over when she is present. I would also see if you can get a no trespassing order for her on your property so she cannot be at your home.
I would talk to your lawyer, explain the situation, and see what you can do. Maybe you record her if you are around her again, and go for supervised visitation, or restrict her access to him OR at least keep her from you, which means she can't go to his soccer games if you are there. Also, I would start documenting by writing ex emails documenting what happened and how it is unacceptable ("your gf called son ___ and ____ at the soccer games. This behavior needs to stop, it is not healthy atmosphere for DS."
Ditto the therapy and the mandatory reporting. Often caseworkers won't listen to a parent b/c there is so much drama between parents they question the motives, but a therapist is often permitted to testify in court and they are also mandatory reporters.
If decreased visitation means that your ex would have to pay more CS, would you offer / agree to forgo the extra $ if you get more time? If that happens, at least DS's exposure to gf is cut.
If anyone called my child a crybaby and bad soccer player in front of me (even if it was true), I would FREAK OUT. I'm sure you are restricted on what you can do, because you don't want ex and gf to have any ammo to use against YOU, but I would want to unload my inner b*tch on them.
If you dont address it, it will keep happenning. Then, you are essentially part of the abuse. File contempt about the pick ups. Why are you worried about how they handle driving? Who cares, its your ex's problem, if he cant drive, but I would strictly enforce the no contact at pickups. I am not gonna come down on you so hard about not saying the right thing to your son when you found out about the verbal abuse. Its understandable, I would be really upset too and who knows what my initial reaction would be. we're only human afterall. You should set it straight now that you are calm. You should also address that with your dad. Maybe your dad can channel his passionate energy to helping you put those two in their place the right way. it looks like you could use the support. And seriously, deal with this head on. Its your kid, you're trying to protect, FFS!
Unfortunately, while emotional abuse is extremely damaging, it is also extremely hard to prove. I think calling CPS would be a waste of your time. Are you the same person whos ex could not afford to heat his home? If that is the case, you might ask for a well check when it is cold (or if the lights are turned off, etc.) and try to restrict visitation that way.
I agree with Sigir and the others who say as difficult as this conversation will be, you need to take the bull by the horns and confront your ex and find out what is happening.
If gf ever puts down DS in front of you, you need to stand up, and calmly and firmly tell her to back off and that she is not to bad mouth your son in front of you. If you need to, I'm sure the other parents would back you up. I know I would. Sometimes the other parents stand back because they don't know the situation and they don't want to cause more problems, but if a mom said to me it bothered her that the gf was mean to her son, you could bet that I would give the gf a piece of my mind!
In the meantime, stick to the CO! if GF is not allowed for pickups, then DO NOT allow her over for pickups and dropoffs! It is NOT your problem if your ex cannot drive. He is an adult; he can figure out how to pick up his son. Speak to your lawyer about switching pickups to a police station so any verbal abuse can be documented.
And get your son into therapy.