what would you do?

lookame3639

DS came back from a visit upset. Ex's girlfriend was calling DS names (he looks stupid, hes an idiot, stupid selfish brat...some other names which cant be said) and ex was right next to her while she said then and did nothing. Being that we dont have a good relationship I cant just go up to them and say dont call DS names. I validadted DS feelings and told him that shes just jealous that hes able todo things and we can afford things that they simply cant (their electric was turnedoff for several weeks not to long ago due to not paying the bill) but Iit still seems like I cant erase the name calling and it bugs me that ex just sat there and let her do it, in a nonverbal way telling DS that he doeant care enough to stand up for him. Is there anything else I can do?

SimpleJane

Is he in therapy? If not, it's time to start. Let me tell you I know first hand that verbal abuse causes lifetime effects. Therapy can at the very least teach him coping skills and help with his self esteem. AND they have to report anything that sounds like abuse.

xmaryrickx

Good relationship or not I would not just keep my mouth shut. How dare anyone talk to a kid like that?
I can promise you I would go all sorts of mama bear on their asses.

nevertune

I don't know what you should do, but I would flip out on the ex. She sounds like a real peach of a lady to be bringing around his kid.

Sigir

You def need to talk w your ex about it. It's your responsibility as the mom to protect your son. That being said you have to approach it carefully. I don't know how old your son is, but if this is the first time you've heard something like this, there is the possibility that the story is not 100% true.

I would approach your ex in a non accusatory way and just lay out the facts you know.
1. Your ds told you this happened.
2. Ask What happened.
3. Depending on his response, respond appropriately. For example, if he denies it, probe why he thinks your ds would be making it up. If he tries to minimize it or say they were joking, you can address how jokes like that make your ds feel. If he flat out admits it, you have permission to go mamma bear crazy.

Also, I know you can't change it now but I would not have responded as you did to your son. If it was me, I would have said to my dd "I am glad you told me. I will talk to your dad and sort this out" then after you knew more you could have gone back to him. Also I don't think it's ever appropriate to say things like "they are jealous bc we can do so much more and they can't pay their electric bill. ". Your son does not have to get in the middle/ know about that. Statements like that will fuel the problems between your two homes.

I will tell you, my ex hates me. I know that if I had to have this conversation it would not go well. But it's the right thing to do and the right way to handle a situation like this.

ldmessing

how old is your son?

Nineoceans

I would contact an attorney and children's services. I would make a HUGE issue of this until they're either too embarrassed to do it again or she decides being a stepmom isn't for her and she goes her own way

CurlyQ284

lookame3639 said:

it bugs me that ex just sat there and let her do it, in a nonverbal way telling DS that he doeant care enough to stand up for him. Is there anything else I can do?

If you do nothing, its the same as your ex doing nothing.

Sigir's suggestion sounds like a good way to proceed.

+just+j+

What does their electric bill have to do with the name calling??? Seriously? You said that? Your son just learned from both sides that talking bad about people is ok. Nice job.

I agree 100% with Sigir.

cole2144

You are both in the wrong here. Your ex had no right to let his girlfriend speak to DS that way but you may not be getting the whole story here and you will never know since you can`t be an adult and talk to your ex. Whether it will be difficult or not, you have to communicate with each other. Your ex can`t remedy the situation if you don`t tell him. The things you told DS were also out of line.

Ilumine

Ok, so let's see if I got this straight.

1) Your son's stepmother bullies him. 

2) Your son's father allows it, thus to YOU is giving your son the impression that his father tacitly agrees with the bullying. 

3) You refuse to talk to your son's father about the bullying, thus giving your son the impression that you either agree with the bullying or that he is not worth fighting for. 

4) You LIE to your son about their motives

5) You come to an internet forum and become a hypocrite. 

Did I get that all right?  

So, this is what you DO.  

1) Get your son into some therapy to help work through the issues with your Ex, his SM and YOU.  Ensure that the therapist provides him with active ways to deal with these situations, from being strong enough to SAY something to the three of you, to finding outlets outside of you three. 

2) Balls up and call your Ex about what your son said happened.  At the very least, send your Ex an email (have at least three non-family or bff people read what you wrote to keep it clear, concise and emotion free) about the incident and express how it is making your son feel and how he is acting because of it. 

3) Apologize to your son for not stepping up and giving him the appropriate support in the beginning, ask for his forgiveness and and then promise him that you will never let it happen again. 

lookame3639

I did not tell DS anything about the electric bill. I validadted his feelings (i know you are upset but you are not anything she called you) my dad told DS shes probly jealous (she does act out in jealous rages)Its not the first time hes told me he got called names at their place and from what ive seen of her I know its true. She got out of the car at pickup one day flipping me off yelling f-off f-off right in front of DS and her kids as well. At a soccer game right in front of everyone she called DS a cry baby and worthless and sucked at soccer. She actually got violent with me over ex having to pay child support. Shes not even supposed to be at pickuos and dropoffs but ex cant drive and relys on her for everything. Ex brushes the issues off saying oh girlfriend can be phycho. Ive tried bringing up the issues to him he denies then blames me then brushes it off completly. So its a little bigger than just name calling.

lookame3639

I shoukd have worded my original post better I apologize. I intend to het DS into therapy at his next drs app (some issues happened with his last therapist). I may not handle this as approprietly as I could have/should have. I have a thin line to walk with these two since there is much more to the overall history. It seems easy to call cps but im in one of those overpopulated cities with overworked social workers who need hard core proof (bruises, stds, ect)

+just+j+

CPS? Over name calling? They will roll their eyes.

The problem i always gleem from your posts is that they are bullies and you are too scared to stand up for yourself. You need to have a direct conversation with your ex and his girlfriend.

+just+j+

If she is legally not supposed to be there, then you file contempt. If she threatens you or is physical in any way, you get a restraining order and/or file charges.

When she gets in your face, you lean into hers, look her in the eye and tell her she does not scare you.

I would take a beating for my child if it meant standing up to someone like this and protecting my child.

Document, document, document and fight to reduce your ex's visitation and make it monitored visitation. Get someone to quietly watch and film her at games or even at pick up.

There is a ton of things you can do to stop her bullying. Do it for your kid.

CurlieWhirlie

Sigir said:

 I would approach your ex in a non accusatory way and just lay out the facts you know. 1. Your ds told you this happened. 2. Ask What happened. 3. Depending on his response, respond appropriately. 

THIS. Don't go in guns a-blazin', make sure you ask what happened from your ex's perspective, and try to understand both sides before addressing the issue.

If he's any sort of father, whether or not something actually happened like your DS said, your ex should be concerned about his son's feelings and want to address the issue.

Wahoo

If she's not supposed to be at pickups and dropoffs, then refuse to hand DS over when she is present.  I would also see if you can get a no trespassing order for her on your property so she cannot be at your home.

I would talk to your lawyer, explain the situation, and see what you can do.  Maybe you record her if you are around her again, and go for supervised visitation, or restrict her access to him OR at least keep her from you, which means she can't go to his soccer games if you are there.  Also, I would start documenting by writing ex emails documenting what happened and how it is unacceptable ("your gf called son ___ and ____ at the soccer games.  This behavior needs to stop, it is not healthy atmosphere for DS." 

Ditto the therapy and the mandatory reporting.  Often caseworkers won't listen to a parent b/c there is so much drama between parents they question the motives, but a therapist is often permitted to testify in court and they are also mandatory reporters.

If decreased visitation means that your ex would have to pay more  CS, would you offer /  agree to forgo the extra $ if you get more time?  If that happens, at least DS's exposure to gf is cut.

If anyone called my child a crybaby and bad soccer player in front of me (even if it was true), I would FREAK OUT.  I'm sure you are restricted on what you can do, because you don't want ex and gf to have any ammo to use against YOU, but I would want to unload my inner b*tch on them. 

 

hopanka

I'd cut a bitch for that.

If you dont address it, it will keep happenning. Then, you are essentially part of the abuse. File contempt about the pick ups. Why are you worried about how they handle driving? Who cares, its your ex's problem, if he cant drive, but I would strictly enforce the no contact at pickups. I am not gonna come down on you so hard about not saying the right thing to your son when you found out about the verbal abuse. Its understandable, I would be really upset too and who knows what my initial reaction would be. we're only human afterall. You should set it straight now that you are calm. You should also address that with your dad. Maybe your dad can channel his passionate energy to helping you put those two in their place the right way. it looks like you could use the support. And seriously, deal with this head on. Its your kid, you're trying to protect, FFS!

ambrvan

+just+j+ said:

If she is legally not supposed to be there, then you file contempt. If she threatens you or is physical in any way, you get a restraining order and/or file charges.

When she gets in your face, you lean into hers, look her in the eye and tell her she does not scare you.

I would take a beating for my child if it meant standing up to someone like this and protecting my child.

Document, document, document and fight to reduce your ex's visitation and make it monitored visitation. Get someone to quietly watch and film her at games or even at pick up.

There is a ton of things you can do to stop her bullying. Do it for your kid.

I think this says it best. How does an adult NOT stand up for a child when they see these things happening? Whether or not their own child is involved.

ldmessing

wendilea said:

You need to find out what is really happening.  Either the gf is treating your son like crap and his father allows it, or your son is manipulating you because he knows you don't like the gf.

Stop giving her power over you.  If she is not to be at drop off, file contempt.  Change drop off to a police station.  Tell her that her behavior is not acceptable.

you didnt' answer me when I asked how old the child is, but I am inclined to think your son is manipulating you.  we had the same problem with one of our sks

SueBear

Unfortunately, while emotional abuse is extremely damaging, it is also extremely hard to prove.  I think calling CPS would be a waste of your time.  Are you the same person whos ex could not afford to heat his home?  If that is the case, you might ask for a well check when it is cold (or if the lights are turned off, etc.) and try to restrict visitation that way.

I agree with Sigir and the others who say as difficult as this conversation will be, you need to take the bull by the horns and confront your ex and find out what is happening. 

If gf ever puts down DS in front of you, you need to stand up, and calmly and firmly tell her to back off and that she is not to bad mouth your son in front of you.  If you need to, I'm sure the other parents would back you up.  I know I would.  Sometimes the other parents stand back because they don't know the situation and they don't want to cause more problems, but if a mom said to me it bothered her that the gf was mean to her son, you could bet that I would give the gf a piece of my mind!

In the meantime, stick to the CO!  if GF is not allowed for pickups, then DO NOT allow her over for pickups and dropoffs!  It is NOT your problem if your ex cannot drive.  He is an adult; he can figure out how to pick up his son.  Speak to your lawyer about switching pickups to a police station so any verbal abuse can be documented. 

And get your son into therapy.