I just want Daddy!

es6 · November 2013

So I have 2 DSD(5 and 4). I have been married to DH since they were 18 months and 2 1/2. We have had full custody for over 2 years. I know kids go through stages but the two girls are really making me feel bad. All I have heard is they don't want me, they want Dad. I try to play it off and joke around with them, or tell them that daddy will be around when they are done with school. DH works nights, so its just me in the morning and during the day on weekends. When DH is around(everyday after noon), he doesn't ignore them, they are always working on homework, playing or goofing around. What am I supposed to do? I actually cried this morning about it. I have no idea what I have done so horribly wrong. I think I am just having a pity party. I don't know. Feel free to suggest other things to try to do. I am at a loss.

sweetie0228 · November 2013

Ignore it, this is a stage and an age appropriate one.

https://www.whattoexpect.com/toddler/behavior/when-toddlers-prefer-one-parent.aspx

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-favorite-child/201003/is-there-favorite-parent

https://www.boston.com/community/moms/articles/2003/07/17/when_daddys_little_boy_only_wants_mommy/

Pumpkinpiemomma · November 2013

I agree that it's just a phase more than likely. Is their mom around at all? If she is, is it possible she could be telling them not to love you?

es6 · November 2013

I think I knew it was a stage but in my head I keep thinking its me. It is really starting to hurt my feelings. My DD 10 hasn't said that to me yet.

The girls BM calls twice a week when her phone isn't dead, when she isn't in the hospital or driving home from work, which amounts to maybe 4 phone calls a month. I don't think its her telling them not to love me.

fellesferie · November 2013

Pumpkinpiemomma said:
I agree that it's just a phase more than likely. Is their mom around at all? If she is, is it possible she could be telling them not to love you?

I think that's a pretty big leap.

Wahoo · November 2013

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I never went through this; it was the opposite with me. I was the "favorite." In our situation, DH was working long hours and travelling; I was with the kids 98% of the time. I know DH felt really bad about it, but it was not a complete surprise given our circumstance.

Are you working when the girls are home after school? Is it possible because DH sees them after school that they are more attached to him as the primary caregiver?

In our case, things did not change until DH started a new job where he was working from home 3-4 days a week.

I know my post might make you feel worse - that is not my intent! But I wanted to explain what happened in our home as an alternative to "it's just a phase."

Nineoceans · November 2013

For a little kid the bond between them and their bio parent is deeper than anything else.

They are developmentally a little old for this though. I wonder if they're clinging to the bio parent that's most involved with them because they're feeling some abandonment from the other parent...the fact that your Dh works a lot can't help.

I would think about seeing a child therapist who specializes in attachment

es6 · November 2013

He is the one that picks them up from school. I am there in the morning, for dinner, bath time, reading stories before bed(they don't like to read stories I don't know why) and bed time. The only time I get to really play with them is on the weekend but that is also the only time I have to get the majority of the cleaning done. My DH does work long hours, but they are when they are sleeping or at school. My DD(10) has never done this and my 18 month is very attached to me and DH keeps joking he will turn him.

ambrvan · November 2013

I have been the primary caregiver for my SD (until recently) since she was 2. We have had primary/full (it has been back and forth) custody for almost four years now. SD(7) has gone through phases of me being the one she wants and the one she "hates." But so has my DS(almost 4). It is normal for kids of all ages to do this. Don't let it bother you.

Just make sure are setting aside time for just the two/three of you. Don't Give them any reason to think in their self-centered children's mindset that their feelings towards the other parent affect your feelings towards them. Kids are naturally unappreciative and easy to lean toward favoritism. But they are also fickle and quick to change their minds. So just stay set in yours.

Littlejen22 · November 2013

It is not a SK issue, it is a kid issue. My kids love Daddy so much and DD can sob sometimes for Daddy when he is not around, and these are my kids with DH.

nurrieum · November 2013

Nineoceans said:

For a little kid the bond between them and their bio parent is deeper than anything else. They are developmentally a little old for this though. I wonder if they're clinging to the bio parent that's most involved with them because they're feeling some abandonment from the other parent...the fact that your Dh works a lot can't help. I would think about seeing a child therapist who specializes in attachment

See bolded. If they're feeling the loss of their mom (which it matters less how long it's been I think and more their understanding of it) then they may cling to their Dad because he's the other bio-parent. I wouldn't take it personally.

ambrvan said:

I have been the primary caregiver for my SD (until recently) since she was 2. We have had primary/full (it has been back and forth) custody for almost four years now. SD(7) has gone through phases of me being the one she wants and the one she "hates." But so has my DS(almost 4). It is normal for kids of all ages to do this. Don't let it bother you. Just make sure are setting aside time for just the two/three of you. Don't Give them any reason to think in their self-centered children's mindset that their feelings towards the other parent affect your feelings towards them. Kids are naturally unappreciative and easy to lean toward favoritism. But they are also fickle and quick to change their minds. So just stay set in yours.

This also. Showing them you are a constant and no matter how they feel; then your love will be unconditional will help foster positive emotions so they don't feel further abandonment. Do some further bonding- outside of the routines, let the house be a mess for a weekend and do something special. Kids don't take into regard the feelings of adults, they're kids but it also isn't their job to carry that emotional burden yet. Does it hurt- yes, but we're supposed to carry that, we're the adults.Stay steady. I don't mean this in a critical way- I've been there too. They're kids, they will grow and change but what they will remember (even if it's not conscious) is that you love them no matter what- even if they're pushing you away- so to speak.

EDIT:I forgot to proof read.

I just want Daddy!

Re: I just want Daddy!

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