What would you do?

Twiggymommy · November 2013

Hey yall,

This is a problem I have had to deal with most of my life but now that I'm bringing a child in to the world I feel like I finally have to draw the line.

My mom has been with my stepfather since I was 6. At first everything was fine, but in my experience my mom's boyfriends had a period of time where they tried to "impress" me. A little bit after I turned 7 he moved in with us and he changed for the worse.

I'm not going to get in to every detail of the abuse but I was physically, emotionally, and psychologically abused from that point on.

I "ran away" from home when I was 15 with no job, money, or place to go just to get away from the torment. Anything was better then what he put me through on a daily basis.

Now obviously I do NOT want him around my child, but I also don't want to keep my child from my mom or 4 year old brother (who he is great with oddly enough because my brother is "his child and not just a problem")
I love my little brother with all my heart and even though I feel a little resentment towards my mom for choosing a man over her daughter I still love her and don't want to deny my child a relationship with his/her grandmother.

Is it possible to do that? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Am I going to be forced to put up with his bilittlement every time I want my children to see their uncle /grandma? Do I just cut them all off even though it's going to kill me a little inside to not have my baby brother in my life?

yvanehtnioj · November 2013

What a quandary. I definitely would not want my kid exposed to the belittlement or abuse of the stepdad. I wouldn't want him doing it to them and I certainly wouldn't want them to see me go through that. What I'm wondering is...is there just no way at all you can see your mom or brother without him there? What about inviting them over when you know he'll be busy/at work? Or meeting up for things like lunch on neutral territory? Even if your stepdad was guaranteed to be included at these types of events, can he be civil to you when you're on neutral ground or at your house?

spacepotatoes · November 2013

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Does your mom know about everything you went through with this guy? You mentioned that you resent for choosing him over you, so that leads to believe that she does. In that case, I'd be upfront with her and tell her that while you'd like your child to have a relationship with her, you do not want stepdad involved. And make it clear to her why.

This does put you in a terrible position, though. What would you do if she took his side again? Are you willing to cut them off completely? Is it possible to maintain a relationship with your brother, outside of your relationship with mom and stepdad?

allardr · November 2013

I vote never go to their house, then your on "his" turf. I personally would avoid inviting to your house too incase he drops off/picks up/surprise joins. I'd stick with public outings like park, lunch. Make last minute plans too, that way he doesn't have time to think up a way to join. Just call your mom say when he's working and be like we're heading to the park, want to join.

So sorry, but I totally would not want my kid around that.

Twiggymommy · November 2013

@spacepotatoes yes she knows and has covered his ass many times. My most vivid childhood memory is being in the corner of my room, curled up in the fetal position, him punching me in the back and head, and my mom SCREAMING "you said you'd never hit your child!" and him yelling back "this is not my child is it". I can still hear it in my head to this day. I honestly don't know if they'd let me have a relationship with my brother if I cut them off. They are currently keeping him from most of my family because of petty family fueds so what's going to stop them from holding him from me.

AKbadwolf · November 2013

I would sit with my mom and lay down the rules. I love you and little bro and would like to see you and little brother. I will tolerate your dh in my presence in neutral territory. This will only happen if he never says anything to me, my child, or my DH that is mean, cruel, or derogatory. The second that happens the relationship will end. He will also never touch my child in any capacity. Then leave it in her court. She lost all right to have a say when she allowed him to abuse you.

seells · November 2013

My step mom and I do not get along. (Basically she's a passive aggressive drama queen who demands all the attention and she is aggressively jealous because over the love/affection my father has for me. She thinks that he should love her the most and put her ahead of his children)
So about a year ago I cut all contact with my step mom. If she wants to see my daughter I have no problems with that. She has another granddaughter and they love to play together. The rules are somebody has to be there with my daughter in addition to my step mom. (Not because I don't trust her, just so I have somebody to communicate with over how my daughter is doing if I need/want to check in) it's not the best system but it works for us. They get to spend time with my daughter and my step mom and I don't have to see each other.

Twiggymommy · November 2013

Also thank you everyone for replying so quickly. I do have to say I was a bit hesitate to post because it is a very personal problem. Thank yall very much for being supportive.

I do have to say when it comes to public or "neutral" places, it doesn't matter to him. Right before I turned 18 I slowly started to let them back in to my life. On my 18th birthday he told me how worthless I was as a person then literally threw my cake in the trash since I didn't "deserve" it... This was at my grandparents house.

He does work a lot but a very odd schedule he'll be gone for a week or 2 at at time then home for a month, and I never know exactly when he'll be there.

spacepotatoes · November 2013

AKbadwolf said:

I would sit with my mom and lay down the rules. I love you and little bro and would like to see you and little brother. I will tolerate your dh in my presence in neutral territory. This will only happen if he never says anything to me, my child, or my DH that is mean, cruel, or derogatory. The second that happens the relationship will end. He will also never touch my child in any capacity. Then leave it in her court. She lost all right to have a say when she allowed him to abuse you.

@Twiggymommy, what a tough situation to be in. Based on your response, I think I'd go with AKbadwolf's suggestion. If your mom doesn't get it and will not compromise, then as hard as I'm sure it would be to be cut off from your brother, it sounds like breaking ties would be the better option for your child in the long run. That kind of toxic influence isn't good for anyone.

Twiggymommy · November 2013

@seells thank you for sharing your story with me, it made me feel a lot better knowing someone else is/has gone through something similar. I'm also glad that you and your family have found a way for everyone to be happy. However unfortunately I don't want to take any chances with my stepfather since his reason for the abuse on me was "she's not mine so I don't care". I just don't trust that won't be his thinking with my children. I really wish I could but I just can't.
@joules235 that may be a good idea but like pps have said there's no way to be sure he won't "surprise" me by tagging along.
@spacepotatoes and @akbadwolf I don't want him anywhere near me or my family. If he were to show up to my house I have no doubt he will not be able to resist the chance to pick me apart. I don't think he'd hit me in the presence of my dh but I do think my dh and him will end up getting physical because my dh has seen the physical scars he has left and witnessed the emotional and psychological effects all caused by him. And honestly I don't think that'd be good for my family either.

Twiggymommy · November 2013

I'm just at a loss here. When dh gets home I will talk to him about sitting my mom down and see what he thinks.

wtfisup · November 2013

I totally understand what these decisions are like. My father was similarly abusive, but he is still married to my amazing, wonderful mother. I can't deny one relationship without the other.

My advice to you would be the same as what we decided: we will determine some ground rules, let my parents know them, and they have to comply to have a relationship. For us, that includes:

No belittling other people.
No yelling.
No throwing.
No namecalling ("bitch" specifically)

And for the other grandparents, including my mother-in-law who inspired both her sons to have eating disorders and is pretty obsessed with weight:

No discussing people's size, shape, or weight. Period. Positive or negative.
No talking about calories and fat.

But you have to be comfortable first and foremost. Your stepdad will likely realize that these calls aren't his to make. You just want to avoid it becoming about a back-and-forth possession of your mom. I think lots of folks come from abusive backgrounds, and it's not so simple as just cutting people out, especially when someone you love was and is still in that environment.

wtfisup · November 2013

Idani said:

I'm sorry you had to do that. I might sound terrible for saying this but it saddens me that she didn't care enough to open her eyes that you ran away at 15 and choose her daughter over a boyfriend.

It does suck, but people in abusive relationships ... it's a hard walk away. In my own case, I know my mom normalized it. She had a horribly abusive mother (knives and all), then married my father (who also came from an abusive family) at 18. My father was angry, controlling, went into rages, etc., but it was still the best treatment she'd ever had. And people in abusive situations often have no sense of power, control, strength to get out. From outside, it's frustrating. But if you've experienced that level of fear, you know how trapping it is.

allardr · November 2013

...after reading more I change my answer.

As hard as it'd be I honestly would end relationships with everyone, visiting wise. It seems it's a package deal (at least til your brother is older). Until your mom realizes it's a toxic relationship I wouldn't be able to handle any of that drama. At most I'd email/call with updates. But I wouldn't take the chance of him showing up when it was just supposed to be Mom & your brother. I'd just be soooo worried about my LO all the time.

Ktoma2013 · November 2013

Im sorry to hear that, my mother in law and her boyfriend sound similar. My husbands father passed away when he was 14, and having to grow up around this man was extremely difficult. He would abuse his mom, and try to abuse and run her 5kids...well that didnt work anymore once they got a little older, (dont mean to turn this into my story) they made it very clear to him after chasing him from the house with baseball bats and about 10 of their friends lol. Needless to say he eventually got the picture he is not allowed over at his mothers house still to this day for any reason....well she still wants to be with him rather then alone, hes not welcome in anything to do with this part of her life. When she watches our son it was made VERY clear he has no part of ours sons life and he doesnt even need to know grandma has a boyfriend. This is your child, and u need to sit down with ur mom and explain that well it is very much important that she and ur brother is apart of ur babys life u will not allow that man to have any title or meaning of the word grandpa. That is ur choice, and she needs to respect that. She at any time can bring ur brother and come to ur house but under no circumstances do u want ur child around that man. The only problem come in if she cant respect that. If she disagrees thats fine..but as long as she sees where ur coming from and knows if she cant follow ur (for lack of better word)"rules" then visits will be few and far in between. If this is really important to u, put ur foot down. Like i said this is UR child, u have the right to. I hope things work out for u and she can respect ur choice

Meery82 · November 2013

Wow. I'm really sorry you had to live like that. I am absolutely disgusted by your mother. I can't believe she would ever even consider staying with someone who abused her child in any way. I would cut ties with everyone. Like PP said, they seem to be a package deal. Your priority now is your LO and you don't want your child exposed to people and situations like that. I'm sure it's easier said than done, but it will be for the best. Hopefully you can establish a relationship when your brother is older and more independent from his parents. Good luck to you.

Twiggymommy · November 2013

Just an update my dh got home and we talked aboutwhat to do. He feels the same way I do about my stepfather NOT being in the child's life but also thinks it would be nearly impossible to try to keep a relationship with my brother and mom without him. I don't want to lose my baby brother because he is my world but I know my mom will tell my step-dad I don't want him around me and my family and in turn he will decide that I shouldn't be around my brother. He has done it with most of my mom's family (a few because they spoke up for me).

Oh for the record we haven't even told them I'm expecting yet. Most of my other family and friends know but like I've said they have isolated them selves so there still clueless. My mom thinks I'm just getting fat because when I get fat it all goes to my boobs. But if and when I do tell them my stepfather will NOT be around. I can already hear everything he's gonna have to say about how disgusting I'm going to look and how I've ruined my life more then he could've imagined. Yeah I'm just not up for that.

But I'm off to have some me time... Which in my world is food shopping with coupons

Sporkntheoven · November 2013

Abuse is such a horrid thing humans do. I am glad you and DH are on the same page. Having that support goes a long way. If you worry about the Abuser tagging along- maybe skype? You could always end the call if he says anything abusive. Or take advantage of his work schedule taking him away for a week at a time. Being clear with your mom is good- hae your DH with you for support if it helps. Visits may be few and far between but continuing to put yourself in that situation is not good for you, it's not good for your child to see, and it's not good for your brother to see either. I wish you strength and courage. Hugs.

Twiggymommy · November 2013

@wtfisup your mother and I seem to have a lot in common. After I ran away from home, I ended up with this guy who was 10 years older then I was. He hit me, but it was always open handed so I figured it was just normal (and I wasn't getting punched right?). He called me names and told me how if it wasn't for him I'd be dead in a ditch somewhere but I figured 1.he was right and 2.thats just the way men spoke to girls. I thought every girl dealt with the same thing. It wasn't until he ended up in jail for fv and I ended up at project safe that I even knew I was being emotionally or psychologically abused.

@ktoma2013 yes you're right they do sound similar. Too bad I never had any older brothers to defend my ass with baseball bats XD

@meery82 it is going to be easier said then done and I'm kind of hoping my mom wakes up one day and realizes she's lost everyone because of him. But I doubt that will happen. (I'm secretly hoping for darker things to happen as well but not willing to put them out in to the universe)

And to everyone else I can't stress enough how thankful I am for all yall's support and kind words

LaurelJoy91 · November 2013

Twiggymommy said:

@spacepotatoes yes she knows and has covered his ass many times. My most vivid childhood memory is being in the corner of my room, curled up in the fetal position, him punching me in the back and head, and my mom SCREAMING "you said you'd never hit your child!" and him yelling back "this is not my child is it". I can still hear it in my head to this day. I honestly don't know if they'd let me have a relationship with my brother if I cut them off. They are currently keeping him from most of my family because of petty family fueds so what's going to stop them from holding him from me.

That is so awful. Any child should be treated with the same care you would treat your own. A child is still a child, regardless of who the parents are. What a heartless person. I'm so sorry you had to endure that.

FemShep · November 2013

What a sad situation, I'm sorry.

You're the mom now, and your first responsibility is to give your LO the safety, security, and support you never had. Because of that, I would not allow your stepfather into your LO's life. Sit down with your mom, in private, and tell her that because of your stepfather's history of abusive behavior towards you, he will not be allowed to have any contact with your LO. She can visit LO at your house, but will not be allowed to have LO visit her or to have LO interact with her husband. If she does not respect your wishes, she will not be allowed any unsupervised time with LO, ever. If your mother cannot respect your wishes, she has chosen her stepfather over her child, again, and does not deserve a place in your LO's life.

As for your baby brother, I'm so sorry he's caught in the middle of this. Do your best to have a relationship with him, but not at the cost of harm to your LO, even if that harm is the emotional damage of seeing his mother verbally abused. Nothing is worth that.

I'd also suggest you see a counselor, who can give you some tips on how to handle the situation, wording to use with your mom, and ways to make sure your stepfather's horrible behavior doesn't impact your LO.

You've shown tremendous strength in your life so far, and you're going to be a great example for your LO. Now your LO needs you to continue to be strong so you can protect your baby. I know you can do it. Good luck.

ncbelle · November 2013

I'm sorry - this is an awful thing to have to deal with. I've not been in your shoes but as hard as it would be, I would cut off contact with your mom. If she wasn't willing to stand up for you as a child, she does not deserve to be in your life or your child's life. And no way in hell would I risk exposing my child to someone who had hurt you the way your step father did. It's unfortunate that cutting out your mom also means cutting out your little brother. Perhaps when he is older, you can rebuild that relationship.

You may have already done this but given what an emotional change becoming a parent is, you may find it helpful to seek counseling to work through your feelings on this issue. Whatever you decide, you should absolutely in no way feel guilty for keeping your child out of this mess.

PruePhotos · November 2013

I don't have physical or sexual abuse from family in my background but I do have emotional manipulation/disrespect. There are a few family members I still love and respect, one of whom I wanted as a guardian for Future Meep. However, due to the way they treated me (the negative people), I had to cut them out of my life. I had become close to my aunt after my mother passed away. Losing her was horrible.

Unfortunately, Meep will only know the relatives from Husband's side. If they show up with bad attitudes, we will let them go, too.

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