I REFUSE to be that mom who...

missimone · November 2013

...takes her infant/toddler to the movies OR an adolescent to an inappropriate movie. My belief system: if you don't have a babysitter, wait until the next weekend or for it to be released on video.

...takes her kid to adults-only events (ie weddings, showers, liquid lunches w/ the girls). Again, no babysitter? Sit out that event.

What are your "refuse to be that mom" activities?? Is it just me? Or is it easy to say since I don't have children yet?

ccip82 · November 2013

Honestly? It is easy to say because you don't have kids yet

Edited for words.

Caitlinm123 · November 2013

Wear mom jeans

megngregk · November 2013

I think hard to say as a FTM here too, but I definitely have a list of things I don't want to do/be like.

My main one: I refuse to ignore MH's/my relationship's needs because I'm a mom.

KB00 · November 2013

I agree! My SiL brought all three of her children to my baby shower. All of which all under 5 years old. All I wanted was to spend time with friends and family and have some fun and she ended up running around with the kids the entire time. That's a mom I just won't be. No kids rules/expectations are there for a reason.

OSUWifey09 · November 2013

Unless a wedding specified that it was adults only, my kids will be coming with me. And sometimes, things happen and you have to take your kids with you. Flexibility is key with children.

OSUWifey09 · November 2013

I will agree on the whole movie thing though. If I can't take DS, I'll find a babysitter or just wait.

Deblondie1 · November 2013

That's cool. If being a mom to DD has taught me anything it's that I'm not going to say "I'll never..." You just never know, man.

growingmybun · November 2013

I completely agree with megngregk. I see a lot of people focus so much on their baby that their relationship suffers. IMHO, the best gift that you can give your child is a loving relationship with their other parent.

sugarland726 · November 2013

ccip82 said:

Honestly? It is easy to say because you don't have kids yet Edited for words.

Generally, I wholeheartedly agree with this statement. But with the first example (a movie), I agree with OP. Movies air several times at several theatres throughout opening weekend alone. I don't see any reason to bring a child to an inappropriate movie.

pinkyxboo · November 2013

There are definitely things I see parents do with their children and I say, omg I will never do that... Like the movie thing you suggested. But like @ccip82 said, it's quite easy to say these things when I dont have children yet. We shall see once this baby gets here.

sugarland726 · November 2013

It's been discussed a few times before, but I refuse to be the mom who lets her kid open up shower gifts or birthday gifts if she is not the person of honor.

Pittpanther · November 2013

I was the most judgemental person of others parenting until I became a parent. Biggest wake up call ever. Lol.

MamaP19 · November 2013

sugarland726 said:

ccip82 said:

Honestly? It is easy to say because you don't have kids yet Edited for words.

Generally, I wholeheartedly agree with this statement. But with the first example (a movie), I agree with OP. Movies air several times at several theatres throughout opening weekend alone. I don't see any reason to bring a child to an inappropriate movie.

I'll agree with this also. The theatre near me has certain showings that are specifically marked as kid-friendly. Of course, they only show G-rated movies, but it is expected and totally acceptable to have kids that probably won't sit in a seat for long and definitely aren't quiet. If I want to see something I just wait until I can rent it.

But in general, I follow the rule of never say never.

tootsscott · November 2013

I will never be afraid to manage my child in front of others. Nobody will make me feel bad about removing my child from a situation that they aren't behaving in. I may choose to ignore or not act, but I will never be afraid to!

goldenB · November 2013

I refuse to be that mom who let's herself go...

Specifically when it comes to how I dress, hair, make up, exercising, maintaining a clean house etc.

KatelynEA90 · November 2013

We took our infant to the movies a few times. She never fussed and every time I had multiple people tell how well behaved she was and how they had no idea she was there.

My toddler will never go to the movies, she would be a disturbance. Actually our theater plays special toddler/kid stuff on certain mornings over the summer, she's been to that.

vstevens · November 2013

My favorite activity when DS1 was less than 6 months was mom & baby movie afternoons at our local theatre...they keep the volume reasonable, and all the moms at home with their little ones come to the theatre to get out of the house and see a grown up movie.

There's nothing I will say "I never" to these days...@Deblondie1 is right, you just never know.

last14real · November 2013

I refuse to be the mom who allows her child to be rude. My DS is almost 3 and he knows to say please and thank you. It's not ok to not share and it's not ok to destroy someone's house you are visiting. Kids will make messes and that's fine but being intentionally destructive is not. Respect for yourself, others & property is very important to me and so he does not get away with crap just bc we are in public. I will correct him regardless, not In a harsh way but we stop and have a talk about why his behavior is not ok. It has worked well so far, there are a few tantrums but he gets over it pretty quick.

OSUWifey09 · November 2013

Bookshelves said:

OSUWifey09 said:
Unless a wedding specified that it was adults only, my kids will be coming with me. And sometimes, things happen and you have to take your kids with you. Flexibility is key with children.

OSUWifey09 said:
I will agree on the whole movie thing though. If I can't take DS, I'll find a babysitter or just wait.
Yeah, I had a hard time with the guy in the theater with us at "Thor" who had his toddler in tow.

Seriously? Thor?! That's definitely not appropriate! A mom and dad brought their baby [looked about 6-7 months old] to the midnight showing of the last Harry Potter movie. Even though the movie reel broke - which meant the movie didn't start until 130am and get out until 4am - they stayed. The baby wasn't too bad, but still. No movie is worth that.

ac1259 · November 2013

Ok so until you've been a new mom you can't really say some things...I was definitely a huge judge of others until I had my own child and like @Deblondie1 said, you do what you gotta do. I took DD1 to a movie when she was little enough to sleep through it in an infant seat...she slept until the last 10 minutes and then I held her while she drank her bottle. I would never take my 1 year old to a movie, even if it were age appropriate because she doesn't have an attention span that long.

But I'm also already planning on taking DD2 to a wedding when she's between 2 and 4 weeks old. I don't have much of a choice, it's my BIL's wedding and he was the one who freaking planned his wedding for that close to my due date (he had been engaged for 2 years..finally set a date at the end of the summer) and my husband will be in the wedding. I think if it's a specific "adults only" event I wouldn't just bring my baby/small child but some situations (especially when it's a family event) it can just be necessary. I'm fully planning on dropping off my 15 month old with my mother since she would not behave during a wedding/reception, but a newborn is very easy to wear and will most likely sleep the majority of the event.

Ljessen13 · November 2013

STM mom here . I refuse to judge a kid who is throwing a tantrum in public. My step son has autism and you would never know it looking at him. He is now 8 and has made huge improvements but still has the occasional meltdown. We have been judged before bc people assume we just can't handle our kid. It makes me sooooo upset

. I refuse to be the mom who asks more than twice and then does it herself to avoid conflict with her kids. I refuse to leash my child (own personal pref. do not down those that do) I refuse to give up my personal life bc I am a mommy. I will still enjoy date nights with hubby and the occasional girls night with my friends. I will refuse to SHHHH everyone around my baby. Children need to learn to deal with some noise while they are sleeping or you will create light sleepers. Damnnnn my list could go on.

yogamama13 · November 2013

Motherhood has definitely humbled me - I was critical of things my SIL would do with her daughter but now I totally get it! The one thing we haven't done yet with our two kids is let them get in our bed in the middle of the night (unless there is a storm or they are really sick). We have spent countless nights walking them back to their rooms kicking and screaming and so far it's worked and after awhile they don't fight it anymore. We always say we will never give in but who knows what will happen with this LO.

ach298 · November 2013

I took my 1 month old to see The Hungrr Games. We went to the 11 am Tuesday showing (hubby was off work to go to a Dr appt with us). Side eye/judge all you want but the kid sleep through 85% of the movie, we sat on the aisle and if he fussed we left the theatre until he calmed down/feel back asleep. We lived 5 hours from family at the time and didn't have anyone we felt comfortable having watch our new son.

Honestly, I was a judgy bitch until I had my own kids. Now, I just shrug it off and keep moving. Except for car seat stuff. That shit bugs me.

kteeswei · November 2013

Mom jeans, that is the only never statement I'm willing to make as a FTM. And by mom jeans, I mean ugly, poor fitting, unflattering jeans. I might end up going out in sweats, looking like death if thats what needs to happen in the hot mess of motherhood- just no mom jeans.

WinsyWade · November 2013

Ljessen13 said:
STM mom here . I refuse to judge a kid who is throwing a tantrum in public. My step son has autism and you would never know it looking at him. He is now 8 and has made huge improvements but still has the occasional meltdown. We have been judged before bc people assume we just can't handle our kid. It makes me sooooo upset . I refuse to be the mom who asks more than twice and then does it herself to avoid conflict with her kids. I refuse to leash my child (own personal pref. do not down those that do) I refuse to give up my personal life bc I am a mommy. I will still enjoy date nights with hubby and the occasional girls night with my friends. I will refuse to SHHHH everyone around my baby. Children need to learn to deal with some noise while they are sleeping or you will create light sleepers. Damnnnn my list could go on.

Agreed on judging a child having a melt down. I have a child with autism as well.
I had a FB friend judge an older child in a stroller with a pic on her wall. I made it known that not all children look visable "autistic" and the child was probably in the stroller for a reason.

Just my 2 cents... But I have leashed two of my children- and not the one with autism. It's scary to have a toddler that runs away and thinks its hilarious to not listen. I'd rather use a lease then have my kid hit by a car...

---------------------------------
I'm on my 4th baby. I don't say never. I've changed my mind on many topics that I thought I'd "never" do. I worked in daycare. I was around toddlers every day. I thought I knew ev.er.y thing. I didn't.

Kbrittonhart · November 2013

I totally agree! I said this before children and I have been sticking to it now that I have children. Another to add to the list is I'm not that mom who complains about how expensive it is to take my kids on an outing/vacation. I knew kids cost when I had them so I budget and plan accordingly... I have family members who suggest we scale back on our annual family vacation because they can't afford to go with their kids... My advice is to stay home or save for tr trip since you know it takes place in July every year!

Kismc · November 2013

goldenB said:
I refuse to be that mom who let's herself go...
Specifically when it comes to how I dress, hair, make up, exercising, maintaining a clean house etc.

I have to say that before DD#1 was born, this is one of the promises that I made to myself also. However, a couple of weeks into it I had eaten my words. And I felt soooo bad about myself for it. But I'm sure most, if not all new moms, are going to have days where you wonder at bed time if you have brushed your teeth that day...or have days where you literally can NOT find 30minutes for a shower.

So I just wanted to chime in and say, if you're not able to keep yourself put together for the first little while, don't fret. You'll get back to yourself in no time.

HereWeGo2 · November 2013

I really think the list depends on the kid. We have been blessed with DD#1 being so easy going that she pretty much goes everywhere with us and behaves like a champ. She has flown on tons of flights (30+ including 2 round trips over 9 hrs each way) and never had an issue. I don't blink about taking her places our friends wouldn't dare take their kids and I don't for a second think we do things 'better' and caused this, she is just good. I fully expect DD#2 to give us a run for our money. (Fingers crossed i'm wrong...). But I really believe it is kid by kid.

I refuse to be the mom that lets a kid disrupt other people's events/outings when they can't behave. And i second the no Mom jeans!!

goldenB · November 2013

Kismc said:

I refuse to be that mom who let's herself go...
Specifically when it comes to how I dress, hair, make up, exercising, maintaining a clean house etc.

I have to say that before DD#1 was born, this is one of the promises that I made to myself also. However, a couple of weeks into it I had eaten my words. And I felt soooo bad about myself for it. But I'm sure most, if not all new moms, are going to have days where you wonder at bed time if you have brushed your teeth that day...or have days where you literally can NOT find 30minutes for a shower. So I just wanted to chime in and say, if you're not able to keep yourself put together for the first little while, don't fret. You'll get back to yourself in no time.

@kismc - I think that's a good point.

Just to clarify, I know that the first few months will be an adjustment but I hope that I don't lose that drive for the longterm.
I want to look good for my husband, but even more than that, I want to feel good about myself.

Maybe I am being very naive, but because I was on pelvic rest for this pregnancy I am yearning to get back it exercising (I asked H for an elliptical for Christmas) so I am really hoping that I will have some semblance of energy to focus on myself.

I also hope that I can get DH into a routine of watching the baby while I have my "mommy time". Even though I will be a SAHM I still expect him to be involved with the baby enough so that I can have time for myself.

Here's to hoping....

rowanthefrog · November 2013

I'm in the never say never camp. I have been able to stick to my guns on many things, about 95% of the time. But there have been a few circumstances where for one reason or another, I did something or allowed something I swore I never would.

Parenting is a marathon that literally never ends. Your day and patience doesn't magically reset with a good night's sleep (if you even get that.) I swore I would never bribe my kids with treats. And 99% of the time I don't. But there was a time when DH had been out of town for 2 weeks, we were out of food, it was 6:30pm and I had 2 hungry grumpy kids and I HAD TO BUY food and make it through that grocery store. Did I buy them whatever crappy treat they wanted so they would be quiet for 15 min while I raced through that store? Yes I did. Did I deal with the repercussions of that the next time I went to the store? Sure did...they begged for a treat and I had to explain to them that that was a special circumstance and they wouldn't get that every time or even most times....and they eventually forgot about it.

Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do to make it through. I'm a firm believer in the 80/20 rule. If you are achieving your goals/ideals/standard 80% of the time then you are doing a good job. Heck I strive for better than that, but beating yourself up and feeling guilty about stuff is useless and will only make everything harder.

A

Kismc · November 2013

goldenB said:

Kismc said:

goldenB said:
I refuse to be that mom who let's herself go...
Specifically when it comes to how I dress, hair, make up, exercising, maintaining a clean house etc.

I have to say that before DD#1 was born, this is one of the promises that I made to myself also. However, a couple of weeks into it I had eaten my words. And I felt soooo bad about myself for it. But I'm sure most, if not all new moms, are going to have days where you wonder at bed time if you have brushed your teeth that day...or have days where you literally can NOT find 30minutes for a shower.

So I just wanted to chime in and say, if you're not able to keep yourself put together for the first little while, don't fret. You'll get back to yourself in no time.

@kismc - I think that's a good point.

Just to clarify, I know that the first few months will be an adjustment but I hope that I don't lose that drive for the longterm.
I want to look good for my husband, but even more than that, I want to feel good about myself.

Maybe I am being very naive, but because I was on pelvic rest for this pregnancy I am yearning to get back it exercising (I asked H for an elliptical for Christmas) so I am really hoping that I will have some semblance of energy to focus on myself.

I also hope that I can get DH into a routine of watching the baby while I have my "mommy time". Even though I will be a SAHM I still expect him to be involved with the baby enough so that I can have time for myself.

Here's to hoping....

Oh I don't think you're being naive at all! It's a wonderful goal and something that is possible. But I just wanted to say that if it doesn't happen, it's only because you're so wrapped up in your new little person. So never judge yourself or think that its permanent. They're totally worth it. And who knows? You might get a little one that totally cooperates with shower time and cleaning time. In which case I will be totally jealous! Heck! Maybe I'll get an easier baby this time! Lol

missimone · November 2013

correction: not to say "never" but instead I'll go down kicking and screaming before I... lol but of course, I know there's always exceptions

@GoldenB, that is an awesome goal that I will have to add to my list. Admittedly, it takes a great deal of energy now that I'm pregnant to NOT look a hot mess. I've had to make a conscious effort to beautify myself which helps lift my spirits as well.

@Bookshelves, my point exactly! It's not fair for other people to pay expecting adult enjoyment and be forced to deal w/ crying or misbehaved children when they might have that opportunity for time away from theirs for a few hours. It's one thing to go a family restaurant or movie because you expect children will be present

ETA: full comment

tesskerr · November 2013

I have stocked up on heaps of cute pj's and robes from Peter Alexander (or my mate petey as I like to call the shop) so even if I don't change out of my pj's, I still look adorable. That's my "do/don't let myself go" plan. So I guess I will never own mummy pjs?

I got these 2 things at my baby shower, pjs for me and onesie pjs for baby!

ashybear · November 2013

I would like to say that I'll never be the mom who cares so much about how stylishly my kid is dressed or how his birthday party looks to adults/on camera that I don't pay actual attention to him.

Winnieella · November 2013

For me, as a Ftm, the only thing I care about is not losing my relationship with H. I don't want to be so focused on my baby I forget about him. If the rest happens, it happens. I haven't had a baby yet so who am I to judge?

umma4babes · November 2013

goldenB said:
I refuse to be that mom who let's herself go...
Specifically when it comes to how I dress, hair, make up, exercising, maintaining a clean house etc.

This was one of my promises to self before my son was born 3 years ago. Miraculously, I was able to keep this up. Regular exercise, make up, hair, keeping up with some trends fashion-wise. But I credit my son's easy going nature for this. He was just really laid back and slept well, so I had time to focus a bit on myself everyday. I know we just got super lucky. I don't know what our baby girl is going to be like. I think I'm just going to say never say never for now.

Jmattis · November 2013

I'm thinking way into the future here, but I never want to be that annoying, crazy, overbearing MIL to my son's future wife. I can't stand mine and I never want to be like her.

I also don't want to ever me that mom who never believes my son can do wrong and says, "Oh no, not my Johnny." I hope I can open up my eyes and realize my child is not perfect if that situation ever arises and reprimand him so that he doesn't turn into a little brat for the rest of his life.

ccip82 · November 2013

sugarland726 said:

ccip82 said:

Honestly? It is easy to say because you don't have kids yet Edited for words.

Generally, I wholeheartedly agree with this statement. But with the first example (a movie), I agree with OP. Movies air several times at several theatres throughout opening weekend alone. I don't see any reason to bring a child to an inappropriate movie.

@sugarland726

I see what you and OP are saying. I read the question and answered it more so based on my own experiences. When I read OP's original wording and saw "REFUSE", I took it as meaning black or white, while I see many of these situations on a more grey scale.Before I became a mom, there were many things that PPs brought up that I swore I would never do that I've found myself doing from time to time. They have not been my proudest moments and something I purposely wanted to do, but I definitely learned from these situations.

For example, there has been a time where DH and my relationship suffered a bit because I focused everything on DD, and neglected him. Now, I am more aware of his feelings and making sure our relationship is just as important. (Before I became a mother I swore I would never do this).

Also, just this week I lost my patience, raised my voice, and really yelled at DD. She had been jumping on the couch, fell, and her elbow landed on my stomach. Instead of explaining to her what she did was wrong and why, I simply took out my frustration on her...causing her to promptly burst into tears. (I also swore before being a mom that I would never do this).

I think as mothers we have such high expectations of ourselves and capabilities that sometimes we forget it is okay if we make mistakes from time to time. The important thing is to learn from them and move on.

I do agree with you, though that some of the situations that PPs brought up are things that I could not see myself doing-like bringing a baby to the movie theater or to a formal function where children are not invited.

Sorry this ended up being a novel, I think part of me still felt a little guilty over how I reacted to DD this weekend. Typing this out made me feel a bit better

sugarland726 · November 2013

Well said, @ccip82. I'd be willing to bet that most will break their hard and fast rules at least once in the course of their child's life and that's ok. Like you said, nobody is perfect, kids and moms alike.

@rowanthefrog, your quote: Parenting is a marathon that literally never ends. Does that mean I can get one of those 26.2 stickers for my car I want?!

bethughknee · November 2013

I flat out refuse to be the FTM who says "never." Not yet. I was wayyyyy too hard of a daughter from ages 11-19 for me to be making snap judgements, yet. I'll take this battle (journey? lovely pathway to parental bliss?) as it comes.

I've definitely had the "oooooh no way my kid does that..." thoughts in public but as soon as I got pregnant it was like my brain was like "watch...that will be you in a year so just watch your panties bunching up, sister friend."

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