Blended Families

Holiday gifts...

My husband and his ex have a hate-hate relationship. And when it cones to their daughter its always a fight. We have primary residential custody. And mom who used to have weekends, up and moved 11 hours away a year ago. Court order now gives her make up time over the summer and once a month.

Anyways..
For the past few years I've been around, when it comes time to make gifts for teachers, treats for parties, stuff for gymnastics instructor, the whole nine yards. I've always done it. Partially because I've felt obligated as I've been making the stuff for my daughters teachers as well. The thing is, when my daughter and I do it, she helps and makes it a fun project. My sd, doesn't. She hates it- so my daughter and I tend to do it the weekend she's away. Of course this means no help from sd at all and she just expects it to be ready.

Being she's always with her mom right before the hokiday, is it something I should expect her Mom to do? Her mom doesn't help out in any way, but makes sure to show her face around the school and try to take the credit for everything. I just feel if she's taking credit and I get no appreciation from sd about it- maybe I back off? I make cute crafty things that take time and begin to feel I'm wasting it.

Any thoughts? What do others do?

Thanks!

Re: Holiday gifts...

  • I'm not big in doing gifts for teachers, so my thoughts will probably be different from most. 

    Since your SD doesn't care to help then stop. Tell her you are letting her mom and her have that time to do some fun stuff together. IF her mom can't be bothered too bad. But like I said I'm not big in the whole thing to begin with. 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Tickerimage

      


  • Loading the player...
  • Is this just something extra you do or will SD be the only kid there without a school craft/gift if her mom bails?

    Kids take things for granted, it's what they do, I don't know your SD or her age but if she's without it this year it may hurt her. If you decide not too, I'd be very clear that if this is something she cares about, this is her chance to do so with her mom.

    She's the mom and you guys have primary, her pride probably dictates she preen as "the mom" around school. I hear you, it frustrates me too. It doesn't make you the bad guy to back off, but for your SD, I would reiterate this is her opportunity to do a school thing with her mom and make her mom a part of it. My only caution is this, if by doing so you set up your SD to be hurt because her mom will likely bail, that's suckie. If it honestly isn't important to her then no harm no foul but I'd kinda double check that. This is coming from a person who was a sensitive kid, so your SD may be nothing like me and it's all moot but just in case...
    Sorry, I know it's a craft thing and in the grand scheme not a big deal. I was a sensitive kid, so that's where my perspective comes from.


    Anniversary


    (Jar of Bees- Le Blog)

    Pregnancy Ticker
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • As an adult with my own kids, there's a whole new world of appreciation for the tiniest little things my parents did for me that I know I took for granted as a kid. Not knowing anything very specific about your relationship with your step-daughter, and purely basing how I'd feel if my step-son were in her shoes, I think I'd give her a choice: she can help you make the gifts, you can just make the gifts for her, or she can just not give gifts (because, frankly, she might not care). And if she just asks if you'd do it for her, I would just do it for her. It's something she'll remember when she's an adult. Who cares if the teachers give you or her mom the credit. The only person who will have a lasting impression about the gifts is your step-daughter. She'll remember you were the one backing her up when she didn't want to make the gifts. She'll remember that you tried to involve her every year even if she didn't accept. She'll know her mom didn't do any of it.
    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers

    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
  • The class always does gifts combined. I always do something in addition just because I always loved it and know the teachers appreciate the small things sometimes that are actually done by students. Of course with her not actually helping, it kind of defeats that part in it.. I'm just torn. I know its no big deal. Just hate that they don't appreciate it. And then her mom looks like mom of the year who cares suddenly.
  • I would not expect a fairly uninvolved Mom to do it. Putting it on her and her Mom that she rarely sees is crappy and just an excuse. If you are ok with her not giving a gift then give her a choice to do it with you or not give gifts but point out that your DD will be doing it. Or if teaching her to be appreciative and give homemade gifts is important to her then give her choices to join you guys, to write her teachers nicely written holiday cards saying something specific she appreciates about them or thanking them for something specific or she needs to come up with another gift she would rather make them.

    And ask her why she does not want to do it and listen. Maybe she feels left out. Maybe she does not like what you chose and would rather do something different. Maybe she feels it is too hard or takes to long. And there could be something she would love to do, just not what your DD wants, like if you guys do a craft maybe she wants to bake, or paint or write a nice note. And honestly teachers on here have said time and again that they would rather a nice hand written letter from a parent or student than any gift.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • I would not expect a fairly uninvolved Mom to do it. Putting it on her and her Mom that she rarely sees is crappy and just an excuse. If you are ok with her not giving a gift then give her a choice to do it with you or not give gifts but point out that your DD will be doing it. Or if teaching her to be appreciative and give homemade gifts is important to her then give her choices to join you guys, to write her teachers nicely written holiday cards saying something specific she appreciates about them or thanking them for something specific or she needs to come up with another gift she would rather make them. And ask her why she does not want to do it and listen. Maybe she feels left out. Maybe she does not like what you chose and would rather do something different. Maybe she feels it is too hard or takes to long. And there could be something she would love to do, just not what your DD wants, like if you guys do a craft maybe she wants to bake, or paint or write a nice note. And honestly teachers on here have said time and again that they would rather a nice hand written letter from a parent or student than any gift.
    I agree about not expecting a mostly uninvolved mother to take charge of making sure her daughter makes gifts for her teachers.  And to be honest if it was reversed and it was an uninvolved father I don't think there would be the same expectation but that is just my opinion.  

    Also not sure what types of crafts these are and it's great that you guys have fun doing them together so I would say keep doing them but from someone who comes from a family with many teachers, a 5 dollar dunkin donuts gift card is appreciated just as much as a craft and to be honest unless its kept in the classroom most of those crafts don't stick around the teachers house since that could really add up over time.  But again just my experience and you know your school and teachers best. 
  • Totally ditto emcmac87, teachers often have their own kids and enough crap from their kid that they don't need yours.  And I honestly am sure what you make is nice and treasured by your family but it would be extremely rare for a teacher to want to keep a craft from a kid unless like she said above that it is something she could use in her class.  Seriously, I am not a teacher but my kids make me numerous pictures a day, and several crafts a week, I could never keep a 100th of what they make and it is very rare for me to keep anything from my nieces because I have too much from my own kids.  Think about it.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • My husband and his ex have a hate-hate relationship. And when it cones to their daughter its always a fight. We have primary residential custody. And mom who used to have weekends, up and moved 11 hours away a year ago. Court order now gives her make up time over the summer and once a month. Anyways.. For the past few years I've been around, when it comes time to make gifts for teachers, treats for parties, stuff for gymnastics instructor, the whole nine yards. I've always done it. Partially because I've felt obligated as I've been making the stuff for my daughters teachers as well. The thing is, when my daughter and I do it, she helps and makes it a fun project. My sd, doesn't. She hates it- so my daughter and I tend to do it the weekend she's away. Of course this means no help from sd at all and she just expects it to be ready. Being she's always with her mom right before the hokiday, is it something I should expect her Mom to do? Her mom doesn't help out in any way, but makes sure to show her face around the school and try to take the credit for everything. I just feel if she's taking credit and I get no appreciation from sd about it- maybe I back off? I make cute crafty things that take time and begin to feel I'm wasting it. Any thoughts? What do others do? Thanks!

    I came away from what and how YOU wrote your first post with a couple of impressions:

    Sidenote:  It is human nature for most people to speak or write about oneself in the most flattering light.  That is why that phrase "There are always three sides to a story; his side, her side and the truth" is, well the truth.  

    So I always take what a poster wrote in the Original post as the closest "truth" in their eyes.  

    1) "Partially because I've felt obligated as I've been making the stuff for my daughters teachers as well"

    So you really do not WANT to make these things with your SD, you just include her because you were already happily doing it for your own child.  Do you really believe that she hasn't picked up on the resentment?  

    2) "The thing is, when my daughter and I do it, she helps and makes it a fun project. My sd, doesn't. She hates it,

    Here's the thing.  Not everyone likes to do crafts.  And while I cannot understand those people ;)there really is nothing wrong with not liking to do crafts.  And to hold that against her, by now throwing that at the neglectful, uninterested mother is just, well crappy.  

    YOU - the adult - are arbitrarily choosing what YOU feel is the RIGHT way to do something and then punishing her and her teachers for not doing it YOUR way.  

    Its like that caricature of the sports crazed father who forces his nerd son to play football so the Father can coach the team.  Not fair. 

    Have you ever asked her why she doesnt like crafting?  Have you ever asked her if she would like to give her teachers something else?  

    2b)  She is a freaking kid.  No kid is appreciative of what their parent does for them.  Appreciation and consideration and compassion are traits that you teach your child.  

    Doing the crafts when she is gone is not the way to get there either.  It is obviously breeding resentment in YOU and not helping her grow as a person.  

    So throwing the issue at her non-supportive / lazy mother is probably NOT the righteous way of teaching your stepdaughter how to be a better person, NO?

    3) "Her mom doesn't help out in any way, but makes sure to show her face around the school and try to take the credit for everything. I just feel if she's taking credit and I get no appreciation from sd about it- maybe I back off. I make cute crafty things that take time and begin to feel I'm wasting it."

    Um....I thought the whole point of making these crafts was to show the teacher/coach/etc appreciation for what they have done for your child, not to take credit or showcase your craftiness.  

    Given the fact that your stepdaughter lives with YOU, YOU (OP and her DH) should be the ones sending those notes/gifts of appreciation without worrying about getting credit.  Not to mention, given the fact that your SD lives with you, the coach/teacher/etc will know that the gift came from you unless you think the BM is running to the school/practice first thing in the morning and putting her name on the gift. 

    4) No quotes because you didn't write about this...you did not mention any other behavioral issues.  

    Normally, if the child is an overall brat, those are totally highlighted to help bolster a person's claim.  The only points you made were that she hated doing the craft (not that she puts up a fit during the craft, not that she tries to sabatoge the craft, not that she throws the completed project away, just that she hates the craft) and that she comes back from visiting her mom expecting the project to be done (which is something you created by DOING the project for her to begin with).  

    So its not as if you have a really bad stepdaughter, you just have a normal child who needs to be parented...along with a BM who seems to be influencing how you look at things. 

    5) No quotes because you didn't write about this...where is your DH in all of this?

    I am NOT saying that you should abdicate all of your parenting of this child on him, but have you included him in any of the discussions/decisions about these gifts?  


    Look I know it seems like I am beating down on you.  But I really am trying to play devil's advocate because I was you, except it was gifts from SS to DH/SD/DD/BM/Extended Family Members.  

    I expected him to want to do a craft, be proactive in getting the gift done and mailed on time and god only knows my consternations over thank you cards.  

    But I never stopped to ask if he wanted to do a craft with me, I never taught him how to figure out the timing of buying and mailing a gift, and then in the end, I would finally take over the whole thing and get frustrated that he did not appreciate me assistance. 

    Now, in my case, my SS came to me with no gift giving/recieving manners at the age of 13. And it was worse for me, because my DH does not the gift receiving manner either.  So it was doubly hard for me to teach the art of a "thank you" note.

    And after 3 years, I gave up on SS.  But I am PARENTING my DD to do it right.  I get her input on what gifts she wants to give because THAT creates a connection to the gift and thus the teacher/coach/family member.  And I ensure that she "writes" a thank-you note for every gift received before she can use it.  And I have forced DH to help us do all of this along the way so she sees both of her parents working hard.  

    Parenting is a confusing activity.  Because there are some actions that are a must - appreciation gifts are one of them. But how you go about them are so dependent upon the child.  If your SD doesn't like crafting or is even just a lazy thing...you can still have her help you get there by figuring out how SHE likes giving gifts and having her do THAT with you (not doing it for her).  

    BTW - welcome to the board. 

    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
  • Thank you ladies for your input. We all actually love doing crafts in this house, which is why it's been a big thing. My dd and I always have, then my sd would be included (this goes with baking, crafting etc) but its just when it comes to gifts that its another story. And unfortunately our schools are crazy with nutrition and health this year and baked goods/food of any kind are banned. So we stick to crafts for classroom decorations.

    The other day I asked both girls to both make thank you cards for their cheer coaches for the end of season party. She got snippy and didn't want to. So I explained it'd be a nice thank you for all the time and effort that they out into volunteering to coach. So she said okay. Then 5 min later was saying how I should just so it because its wasting her time and not everyone will show up with one.

    It's just tough between both girls and then the newborn baby boy we just had. :/ I'm hoping it gets easier!!
  • Thank you ladies for your input. We all actually love doing crafts in this house, which is why it's been a big thing. My dd and I always have, then my sd would be included (this goes with baking, crafting etc) but its just when it comes to gifts that its another story.

    You still have not answered the question, does she really like doing crafts.  You just said that we all love doing crafts but then qualify with "my dd and I always have" then you INCLUDED SD.  

    So let's take a relook at this.  YOU move into her house with YOUR (ie you and your DD) set of activities and you INCLUDE her into something YOU are doing in HER house.  Can you see how hurtful that alone might seem?

    That she might have GONE ALONG to GET ALONG?  And now that you all are more of a family, she is finally letting you all know that really, she doesnt want your hobbies as her own (again, as a crafter who is about to make 6 coordinating christmas stockings, I personally cannot fathom those people). 

    Secondly DOES YOUR DH CRAFT TOO?  Really is he truly partaking in these crafts?

     And unfortunately our schools are crazy with nutrition and health this year and baked goods/food of any kind are banned. So we stick to crafts for classroom decorations. 

    You are so missing the point of what everyone has said.  NO SCHOOL is going to penalize you if you give the teacher or coach a gift card to Starbucks.  And the teacher is going to be so much happier with a gift card to Starbucks or AC MOORE or Lakeshore Learning than they are with a decorative craft that they will THROW AWAY (seriously think about it, they get at least 3 "crafts" per gift-giving season, where are they supposed to store all of this crap and they sure as hell arent going to use it next year when the next round of "crafts" come there way.  And as the daughter of 2 teachers, one a kindy teacher, I know of what I speak). 

    Doing Crafts is YOUR gig, not because you honestly believe that these things are the best thing for the teachers - who DO appreciate the gift but seriously cannot keep them.  If you really wanted to do something for the teachers it would not be a craft. 

     The other day I asked both girls to both make thank you cards for their cheer coaches for the end of season party. She got snippy and didn't want to. 

    Absolutely NORMAL response for a child/preteen/teenager.  Just because your DD is happy to write one, does not mean that your SD is out of her age appropriate response.  It is up to you to parent and power through these snits consistently. 

    So I explained it'd be a nice thank you for all the time and effort that they out into volunteering to coach. So she said okay. Then 5 min later was saying how I should just so it because its wasting her time and not everyone will show up with one. It's just tough between both girls and then the newborn baby boy we just had. :/ I'm hoping it gets easier!!
    It wont get easier.  You married a man and procreated with a man with a daughter who lives with him full time.  You will now have to parent all three of the children (you do not have to love them equally, but you have to parent them fairly) to the best of your and their abilities.  

    And one of these moments is realizing that CRAFTING may not be her ability, but signing a thank you card is. 
    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
  • Crafting and gifting period should not be a big deal. But I agree with PPs about making thanks and appreciation a priority. That's just something you will have to make her do. I still have not gleaned her age from any of this. Did you ever mention it? Children of all ages are fairly self centered, though, and likely you will have to remind her about thank yous until she is grown.

    I still am terrible about thank you cards. But I do always express sincere verbal one-on-one appreciation. As I've gotten older I am beginning to see the importance in thank you notes. Also in part due to the words of the ladies on this board. My mom never taught me any of that.

    Just make her write a thank you note and be done with it. I make my kids do things all the time that they did about. I had it off with something like, "Ok, now you're going to joyfully do xyz with a smile on your face." And then they make a big show if giving me their most pathetic, forced smiles. But it gets it done and that phrase let's them know I'm not in the mood for protest.
  • No thank you then you don't do the activity again.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
  • I like to craft sometimes, but neither of my kids enjoy it. So.. we don't do it together.

    At DS's school, the room parents always organize a big gift basket both at Christmas and the end of the year. We donate $20-50 for that. 

    There is a huge used bookstore in town, so when we take in a big stack, we will end up with a decent credit. I often gift those credits to DS's teachers for classroom books. 

    We'll also do flowers or $5 gift cards here and there.

    I also give a lot of my time. I volunteer regularly, so I'm sharpening her pencils or making copies for her. 

    There are so many ways to give and show appreciation. I think you're making this harder than it has to be. 
    my read shelf:
    Erin's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"