Blended Families
nurrieum
member
Hello,
nurrieum
member
I haven't posted on here in probably a year. When my computer crashed and motherhood set it- well anyway.
After yesterday, I'm finding myself back here.
Short recap- Dh and I have been married two years, in those two years SS has spent 85% or more of his time with us.
BM, DH, and I typically get a long pretty well, we make a lot of concessions and back down a lot, simply to keep peace.
After yesterday, I'm finding myself back here.
Short recap- Dh and I have been married two years, in those two years SS has spent 85% or more of his time with us.
BM, DH, and I typically get a long pretty well, we make a lot of concessions and back down a lot, simply to keep peace.
She likes to drink and party and avoid her son, we like to be parents- typically it all works out.
Crap finally hit the fan yesterday. She got really angry and is apparently "done with us" (over her own mistakes and
Crap finally hit the fan yesterday. She got really angry and is apparently "done with us" (over her own mistakes and
some made up drama about clothes.) We've never gone to court, we've always managed to work out our issues. She's now pulling
lots of power plays, etc. It looks like that's where we're headed, so sadly due to constraints on our budget, it will have to wait until tax time to actually
begin.
I have reached out her, I responded with forgiveness and grace despite my anger when she lashed out.
I have reached out her, I responded with forgiveness and grace despite my anger when she lashed out.
I never want her to have the power to make me a bitter person. I don't want this woman to have the power
to ruffle my feathers. However because she has my son, I feel really angry, afraid and again, really angry.
How do you deal with the anger and the fear- how do you let go?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Hello,
I guess you have no co, which is never good. Is she trying to change whatever custody patterns you have in place? Without knowing what is going on, it's hard to give advise.
Well after that ridiculous conversation, my husband said simply- send me the a copy of the bill. We would at the very least pay half of it- if not all of it. Okay- so then she decided she freak out on us about us having SS's clothes. Well, see that goes both ways- she has tons of the nice clothes we've bought for him and vice versa. In fact it's put us in hardship because we've had to replace so many clothes that she gets and never returns. It's like this passive aggressive thing, so sometimes SS is put in whatever we have- which isn't always as nice as we'd like- because it's what we have and we know it will end up at her home and we won't get it back. I told her that I'm sorry she's angry, I will start marking the tags of all his clothes and any time she asks for things- we always return them. It was just something to be upset about.
I'm probably not explaining this well. For 2 years, we've made this work. We've always said yes to her and have bent over backwards for her be it rides, taking SS- whatever. She doesn't have a car so we do the majority of the transporting. We let her claim him on her taxes, we've really let her run the show- because we're scared. It's sad- but we figure if we play nice, it will be better for SS. Things won't be ugly- at this point though, I'm less sure of that.
Others will be able to tell you more, but I think that the rule is that without a co, parents have equal rights to a child as long as paternity is established. So she can't call all the shots unless you let her.
You guys have to start getting tough and stop letting things go.
Go above & beyond to find lawyer, lots will take payments and get this started.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
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It is in your SS best interest to get something legal and binding to protect your rights and SS's.
While we have some concerns, the way our step sons behavior has been it hadn't indicated the concerns we had before. I'm not a quick one to cry abuse. The concerning behaviors ended, with the exit of a boyfriend.
I've been documenting for two years, always. I typically stay calm, I signed up for this marrying my husband but sometimes the conflict gets to me.
At the end of the day I think her desire to drink will have him back soon. We live in Illinois she lives in Iowa. I think this has motivated us that we can't go without a court order any longer.
Thank you all for the support, I appreciate it.
I recommend you try for primary with her getting every other weekend. Flip what would normally be the fathers time. Be reasonable with holiday but really think about how to protect the child. I have it in my CO that XH had to clear all who babysit DD with me and some family members of his cannot be alone with DD. I gave my lawyer balud reason and the judge signed it.
Figure out whats best for you.
Consider alanon too. Its free and help you all cope better with BM.
We're young, I realize that is no excuse but I think it's part of why we've let fear dictate us. It's harder to see the long term at 22. My DH is I think finally ready though. He always felt he'd lose more than he gained because he typically had his son which was his goal. Now, I think he's seeing there's more to protecting him.
It's a long road.
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If you live on the border I would try to find a lawyer who can work in both states, and then ask him what would be most adventageous to you.
Also, keep quiet about your talks with a lawyer (to family, friends, BM), because sometimes if you are the first to file you can do so on your terms.
DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT all the time that he spends with you. Is he old enough to be in pre-K? Is he in daycare around your area? Do you / H do the majority of pickups and dropoffs? Often if you have a "routine" for kids, the courts don't like to disrupt the routine.
Good luck.
File your taxes as early as you can this year, so you can hop to this!