Hello,

nurrieum

I haven't posted on here in probably a year. When my computer crashed and motherhood set it- well anyway. 
After yesterday, I'm finding myself back here. 
Short recap- Dh and I have been married two years, in those two years SS has spent 85% or more of his time with us. 
BM, DH, and I typically get a long pretty well, we make a lot of concessions and back down a lot, simply to keep peace.

She likes to drink and party and avoid her son, we like to be parents- typically it all works out. 
Crap finally hit the fan yesterday. She got really angry and is apparently "done with us" (over her own mistakes and

some made up drama about clothes.) We've never gone to court, we've always managed to work out our issues. She's now pulling

lots of power plays, etc. It looks like that's where we're headed, so sadly due to constraints on our budget, it will have to wait until tax time to actually 

begin. 
I have reached out her, I responded with forgiveness and grace despite my anger when she lashed out. 

I never want her to have the power to make me a bitter person. I don't want this woman to have the power

to ruffle my feathers. However because she has my son, I feel really angry, afraid and again, really angry. 

How do you deal with the anger and the fear- how do you let go?

Sigir

It's hard for me to answer because without knowing the specific details of your situation, I can't tell if you should be letting go or not. IMO some things you can let go, and some things you can not. It sounds like you have been allowing her to get away with a lot for a long time, so I have a feeling that you shouldn't be letting go as much as you already are.

I guess you have no co, which is never good. Is she trying to change whatever custody patterns you have in place? Without knowing what is going on, it's hard to give advise.

nurrieum

Well, when my DH was laid off our private insurance ended- (back in April and when this happened, we told BM) since SS was on Medicade, this did not affect him because his medicaid should never had ended- he had both. Well he was sick yesterday and she took him in. Then calls my DH livid that he has no insurance. I'm not sure what ended his medicaid, we've never had anything to do with that because it came from BM. All we could tell her was that we informed you when his private insurance ended and he carried both, so we never knew his medicaid ended. 
Well after that ridiculous conversation, my husband said simply- send me the a copy of the bill. We would at the very least pay half of it- if not all of it. Okay- so then she decided she freak out on us about us having SS's clothes. Well, see that goes both ways- she has tons of the nice clothes we've bought for him and vice versa. In fact it's put us in hardship because we've had to replace so many clothes that she gets and never returns. It's like this passive aggressive thing, so sometimes SS is put in whatever we have- which isn't always as nice as we'd like- because it's what we have and we know it will end up at her home and we won't get it back. I told her that I'm sorry she's angry, I will start marking the tags of all his clothes and any time she asks for things- we always return them. It was just something to be upset about. 

Out of fear that she would put SS in a dangerous place, abuse him, or try to remove him- she's gotten away with a lot. The most she's ever had him since we began all of this was 3 days. She took him from us out of spite when we got married and for about 2 months and shuffled him around but since getting him back, she's never had him more than 3 days. As a rule is 1 maybe 2 a week and he ends up dropped off with us early so she can go drink. I've had people come up and tell me that she admitted to working a lot "so she can get away from her F#$#@%$# kid". 

Court still worries us, because as a rule, we put up with the bull crap and he ends up at our house like we want. Sadly though, she runs the show and when she gets upset- she threatens to "take our rights away" which I'm not entirely sure if she can do or not but we have no CO. However, we're wanting to go with our tax return this year because it's getting to be too much. We just fear that the drama would really hurt SS. That it might be better if we just make nice. So, I tried making nice with her, I was incredibly understanding and I showed her a lot of grace. I said i understand you're angry, you've expressed you prefer to communicate with me rather than DH, so I hope we can overcome this set back and communicate more openly. I listed some compromises and said I think that there's a lack of communication that is building up frustration. Her response was a big "eff you I'm done with you people" so I said I'm sorry you feel that way, we will always be here for SS. 

I'm probably not explaining this well. For 2 years, we've made this work. We've always said yes to her and have bent over backwards for her be it rides, taking SS- whatever. She doesn't have a car so we do the majority of the transporting. We let her claim him on her taxes, we've really let her run the show- because we're scared. It's sad- but we figure if we play nice, it will be better for SS. Things won't be ugly- at this point though, I'm less sure of that.

twister22

What state are you in? Some states the mother is assumed custody if there is no CO, and other states both parents equally share it until there is a CO. If you are in the latter, then find a way to get SS back and then file. Allow BM to have supervised visitation with SS (on the grounds that you are afraid of her kidnapping him and fleeing) until you guys have a CO.

Sigir

I sorry you have to go through all that it is a lot of stress. But you need to get a solid co in place to address all these issues. It will make everything improve in the long run. It's not about being 'nice' it's business and the law. I would do everything possible to get a lawyer now (can you sell anything? Borrow?) because every day you don't have one, it's another day of letting her have power over you.

Others will be able to tell you more, but I think that the rule is that without a co, parents have equal rights to a child as long as paternity is established. So she can't call all the shots unless you let her.

You guys have to start getting tough and stop letting things go.

sweetwalks

I agree. You definitely need a CO. If you legitimately fear for his safety, I agree with Twisters response.

Go above & beyond to find lawyer, lots will take payments and get this started.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

CFjo2010

I recognize your name, but not much of your backstory.  I vaguely remember there being safety concerns though with SS being at BM's.

I'm going to second everyone else who said get a CO written up.  I hope you have been documenting the "normal" schedule you all have maintained because a lot of times Courts will take that as the status quo and maintain that as the new CO.  Is there any way to get an emergency hearing to get some sort of custody/visitation established for the timebeing?

Lots of hugs and prayers to you.  If BM has pulled this crap in the past and then come around again, then it's likely this time will be no different.  But just in case, start looking into getting a lawyer or seeing if your Court offers legal aide.

+just+j+

The drama of NOT going thru this will also hurt him. GET A COURT ORDER.  Even if it means getting a side job or borrowing from family and making payments - fight for a CO.

If you aren't documenting - start.

My ex husband did this to me too when I filed for divorce - he made all of these big claims and it frightened me too, but I had my dad to talk me down and remind me that he was always talk and never followed thru. And he doesn't.  People who scream and yell and threaten and talk all big...typically don't do crap. She obviously has that history, and I would trust that she will continue to do the same.

It is in your SS best interest to get something legal and binding to protect your rights and SS's.  

I know it's tough, but I promise you, it will be worth it. 

nurrieum

Thank you, we face a lot of financial struggle which is why we planned for tax time. Were working on it. We've debated going the protective services route, see my step son brought a knife to school (preschool) after a night with his mom, the school threatened to call but did not. We were going to call, have been by a case worker to wait.

While we have some concerns, the way our step sons behavior has been it hadn't indicated the concerns we had before. I'm not a quick one to cry abuse. The concerning behaviors ended, with the exit of a boyfriend.

I've been documenting for two years, always. I typically stay calm, I signed up for this marrying my husband but sometimes the conflict gets to me.

At the end of the day I think her desire to drink will have him back soon. We live in Illinois she lives in Iowa. I think this has motivated us that we can't go without a court order any longer.

Thank you all for the support, I appreciate it.

+just+j+

Holy crap. Another Iowa connection. If you are fighting in the Iowa Courts please search and use a good lawyer. The CPS/DHS system is not the best. Judges also favor joint custody.

+just+j+

As far as coping, most insurance policies now are covering mental health. Find a counselor and go when you are under the worst pressure. Come here. Vent here. We are very blunt here and give tough love but we will not steer you wrong. That is what got me thru some pretty dark years. I now consider these ladies dear friends.

nurrieum

We would like to do family counseling. I have heard that Iowa is really mommy friendly. Ideally we'd like joint. Thank you for the support.

+just+j+

My lawyer told me this past year they are much more joint. My ex however did not contest me. He made a big stink and threatened to nut umtimately did not.

I recommend you try for primary with her getting every other weekend. Flip what would normally be the fathers time. Be reasonable with holiday but really think about how to protect the child. I have it in my CO that XH had to clear all who babysit DD with me and some family members of his cannot be alone with DD. I gave my lawyer balud reason and the judge signed it.

Figure out whats best for you.

+just+j+

Family counselling is favored in Iowa. It will show you all care and if your SS shows some marked improvement that will be in your favor.

Consider alanon too. Its free and help you all cope better with BM.

nurrieum

+just+j+ said:

Holy crap. Another Iowa connection. If you are fighting in the Iowa Courts please search and use a good lawyer. The CPS/DHS system is not the best. Judges also favor joint custody.

Also we live on the border I've wondered what Illinois law would apply, for example if Illinois gives my DH half rights without a court order but Iowa does not, if BM brings him to us, therefore crossing state lines would it apply? I have to learn more about that, BM has stated they share joint rights but I don't think she understands it. She has also threatened to strip our rights as though it is she who grants them.

We're young, I realize that is no excuse but I think it's part of why we've let fear dictate us. It's harder to see the long term at 22. My DH is I think finally ready though. He always felt he'd lose more than he gained because he typically had his son which was his goal. Now, I think he's seeing there's more to protecting him.

It's a long road.

CFjo2010

When the parents live in 2 different states, the state where the child primarily resides has jurisdiction over the child.  I live in CA and DC lives in TN, therefore CA has jurisdiction over the kids.  If DC were to ever try and file anything in TN, it would get booted for jurisdiction purposes.  The CO that was established in CA is upheld in TN.  Even in TN, I share joint legal with DC.  Joint legal custody is completely separate from joint physical.

I strongly urge you to get a free consultation with a lawyer in your area or look into legal aide so that they can walk you through what the standard is in your area, what you need to do to establish a CO, etc.

Wahoo

If you live on the border I would try to find a lawyer who can work in both states, and then ask him what would be most adventageous to you. 

Also, keep quiet about your talks with a lawyer (to family, friends, BM), because sometimes if you are the first to file you can do so on your terms. 

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT all the time that he spends with you.  Is he old enough to be in pre-K?  Is he in daycare around your area?  Do you / H do the majority of pickups and dropoffs?  Often if you have a "routine" for kids, the courts don't like to disrupt the routine. 

Good luck.

File your taxes as early as you can this year, so you can hop to this!

nurrieum

CFjo2010 said:

When the parents live in 2 different states, the state where the child primarily resides has jurisdiction over the child.  I live in CA and DC lives in TN, therefore CA has jurisdiction over the kids.  If DC were to ever try and file anything in TN, it would get booted for jurisdiction purposes.  The CO that was established in CA is upheld in TN.  Even in TN, I share joint legal with DC.  Joint legal custody is completely separate from joint physical.

I strongly urge you to get a free consultation with a lawyer in your area or look into legal aide so that they can walk you through what the standard is in your area, what you need to do to establish a CO, etc.

Well, he primarily lives with us but I think his registered address is with his mom. So it would probably go to her.

Wahoo said:

If you live on the border I would try to find a lawyer who can work in both states, and then ask him what would be most adventageous to you. 

Also, keep quiet about your talks with a lawyer (to family, friends, BM), because sometimes if you are the first to file you can do so on your terms. 

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT all the time that he spends with you.  Is he old enough to be in pre-K?  Is he in daycare around your area?  Do you / H do the majority of pickups and dropoffs?  Often if you have a "routine" for kids, the courts don't like to disrupt the routine. 

Good luck.

File your taxes as early as you can this year, so you can hop to this!

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He is in preschool but there's no set though anything, she takes him when she pleases, not often. The preschool sees us all regularly. She has no idea we'd ever file, and we've been quiet about it.

Bug

+just+j+

Dont be so sure. If you can prove you are doing most of the care taking and you have no CO.... Things maybe in your favor!

+just+j+

Shop around while you have time. Most lawyers give you the first visit free. I learned a lot from the two i visited. It wouldnt hurt to talk to a few just to ease your minds.

nurrieum

I talked to my DH tonight and he agreed it would be a good plan. I'm going to see who's available for a consult.