What I wish I knew before baby number TWO, (TTM+ edition)

glowworm0166 · November 2013

So we've seen a lot of posts recently with advice for FTMs by STM+s. For those of you expecting your third (or fourth or fifth...) can you share some "What I wish I knew" thoughts for those of us about to have our second child?

Laura_Elaine · November 2013

My three are young and close in age... currently, my oldest (DS) is 3.5 years, my middle child (DD1) just turned 2 years in September, and my youngest (DD2) will turn one year the day before Thanksgiving (November 27). DS and DD1 are 17 months apart, DD1 and DD2 are 15 months apart, and DD2 and this LO will be 18 months apart.

My suggestion is make sure to get at least one nap for everyone at the same time. We have lunch around 11:30/12, then story time. DS uses the potty while I put DD1 down for a nap around 1, and DD2 around 1:30 while DS and I maybe read a little more and pick up toys and do the lunch dishes. DS then lays down around 2, and all three sleep until between 4 or 5... usually DS waking up last, and DD2 waking up earlier (she actually still takes 2-3 naps a day). It has been soooooooo nice to be able to lay down for an hour or two during first tri and is only possible on days when they all take naps at the same time! Even if I don't nap, I am so much more efficient at housework without the "help" of my well-meaning older two...

Also, get the older ones to do what little "chores" they can. It may not be.much, but having DS pick up his toys, though imperfectly put away, he is learning to be responsible for his things. Obviously, he will only be 4 when this new LO arrives (he turns 4 on April 5, I'm due May 10), so he's not up to chores like doing dishes and whatnot yet, but I think easing him into chores is better than having him have none and then dumping 5 on him at once when DH and I think he's" old enough." DD1 is further along in some areas, I think, because she has her older brother to model...

Again, these suggestions might be for kids who are closer together in age, so yhey might not be helpful to some...

CamrynnsMommy · November 2013

My advice is to make sure to spend quality time with the older child, just one-on-one.

My DDs have a four year age gap, so when my youngest was born my oldest resented the attention she got and started to act out a bit.

My DH and I would let her pick an activity and we would take her out just by herself to do that activity. She really enjoyed the one-on-one time.

TheBeeCharmer · November 2013

My two are close together (23 months) and this one will be 26 months apart from my youngest. I agree about getting them to nap at the same time, but that won't happen until the baby is napping on schedule at about a year.

I would add to get one kid completely ready and set to go and loaded then the other one. I tried loading two up at the same time for awhile and it was really hard. Also, even though my oldest was over the age of two last summer. I still used a stroller for them both. It was too hard for me to keep track of two toddlers with one walking and one in a stroller.

Laura_Elaine · November 2013

Oh! Speaking of strollers... we onky have a double, and obviously three kids currently. I use a jogging strap or a sippy cup holder dangling from the handle of the stroller and my kids love holding on to it as we walk, so I'm not forever wondering where they are or if they're going too slow or whatever...
But yes, the one at a time thing is good... I get them diapered/dressed/whatever 1, 2, 3 then loaded 1, 2, 3 and so on... definately take things in stages and do one step with all kids. Then the next step for everyone and on.

And this may be a single kid or multiple kid trick, but if you have to go somehwere in the morning, have the bag(s) packed the night before. I apparently have the most organized diaper bag our church nursery workers have seen... but diapers for one kid on kne side, diapers for the other on the other side (I only have two in diapers), and a change of clothes for everyone piled on one side... books in the middle, and wipes/diaper cream/'medicine kid' (thermometer, nail clippers, etc.) On the other side. Land's End. I love my diaper bag... but that would be another post...

alioopsiedaisy · November 2013

This has been very interesting and helpful! Thank you ladies! DD will be almost 3 when LO is born and I'm getting nervous about having 2!

Sammarah · November 2013

In almost the same situation as you. My little boy turns three in December, due May 12.

Miles2Go · November 2013

Tell it to me straight - do you really love the second one as much as the first, or is that just something everyone says to make you feel better?

TheBeeCharmer · November 2013

Miles2Go said:
Tell it to me straight - do you really love the second one as much as the first, or is that just something everyone says to make you feel better?

YES! I never thought it possible but I love my second just as much. Both kids are different, equally special parts of my life (whole world)

MissLadyTay · November 2013

Miles2Go said:
Tell it to me straight - do you really love the second one as much as the first, or is that just something everyone says to make you feel better?

I swear some people don't love the second as much and you can tell. MH's cousin never talks about her second child in conversation unless you ask. It's all about the first and what she's doing and how smart she is and how much she loves school and her friends and her eating habits, etc. I feel sorry for the second (also a girl).

reddroses · November 2013

Sammarah said:
In almost the same situation as you. My little boy turns three in December, due May 12.

I thought I wrote this until I read the SN. My DS also turns 3 in December and we have the same May due date.

Definitely nervous about getting two ready at the same time esp since DS is in his silly stage each morning.

Laura_Elaine · November 2013

MissLadyTay said:

Miles2Go said:
Tell it to me straight - do you really love the second one as much as the first, or is that just something everyone says to make you feel better?
I swear some people don't love the second as much and you can tell. MH's cousin never talks about her second child in conversation unless you ask. It's all about the first and what she's doing and how smart she is and how much she loves school and her friends and her eating habits, etc. I feel sorry for the second (also a girl).

I completely love them equally, though in different ways, if that makes sense.

The hardest part, for me, is comparisons. I compared my first and second (a boy and a girl) sure... but nothing like I compare my second and third (both girls). They say don't compare your kids to someone else's kids -and that's good advice - but I can imagine younger children get sick of being compared to their older siblings, too.(I'm the youngest of two... with an older brother... so I didn't quite experience this myself, but I can imagine.)

JessElam · November 2013

Miles2Go said:

Tell it to me straight - do you really love the second one as much as the first, or is that just something everyone says to make you feel better?

This! For the first couple weeks after I found out I was pregnant I would watch my son, who is going to be 8 in December, and wonder/worry if I would be able to love this new baby as much as I love Cole. And along the same lines, I have worried how it would potentially change the relationship that I've had with my son.

TheBeeCharmer · November 2013

I wanted to add to the whole "do you love your second as much" convo. I also LOVE watching the relationship between DD and DS develop. Yes, things change a little whenever a new one is born, but I also feel like I gave my daughter the gift of a sibling. They are close in age and love each other so much. I can't wait to see how our 3rd will change and add to our family.

ebox322 · November 2013

@TheBeeCharmer I totally agree with the "giving my child the gift of a sibling". My second is this LO but I keep thinking back to when I was pg with #1 and I didn't have that bonded or super deep connection feeling until he was born.

I don't think you know how to love two kids, until you have two to love. I definitely didn't know how much I could love DS until I had him

CamrynnsMommy · November 2013

Miles2Go said:
Tell it to me straight - do you really love the second one as much as the first, or is that just something everyone says to make you feel better?

I really do love both my children equally, on most days. Kidding. Seriously, I cried many, many tears over this when we found out we were having DD2, but I totally cannot imagine life w/o her and I do love her as much as the first.

shellbell9482 · November 2013

Get on a schedule and stick to it! DS is 10 and DD is 19 months younger than him. I already had him on a concrete schedule when she was born, so it took 6, YES 6, weeks for her to sleep all night. No, this is not common, but I still attest that having her on a schedule similar to my son's helped. They napped at relatively the same time and it allotted time for me to get housework done or lay down. I'm expecting #4 (first passed at 10 weeks) and both children are with their dad about 1,200 miles away, so it's not hard, but it ain't easy either.

For anyone out there wondering, I didn't lose custody of my kids. I gave him full custody so I could join the Army and be active duty rather than reserves or National Guard. (I get A LOT of questions about this ALL the time and while it's nobody's business, it's easier just to tell people than to have people speculate.)

Anyway, get on a schedule WELL before birth and stick to it after, adjusting to fit the nap times, etc. Oh, and about those naps and people saying "never wake a sleeping baby," I allowed my DD to nap for 2-3 hours at a time, MAX! I decided she needed to eat and play so she wouldn't stay up all night and sleep all day. Either way, you're the mom, so decide what works best for you!

LDQAM516 · November 2013

You will slowly weed out all the pointless and overpriced baby items and realize simple is best...and the rest is a pain in the butt to store...For us, the baby and early toddler stages is the easiest...especially if they are close in age...we got more sleep then than we do now. I NEVER judge other peoples children in stores especially if they are having a melt down...because I GET IT NOW. You will say you will do all sorts of things in raising them...but you will most likely go off that course and realize it all isnt as easy as you first thought...It may take several kids to realize this. My kids have a lot of structure and discipline and manners...and they are expected to be polite...but lets face it...they are kids and they are not always the way you would like them to be in public, get togethers and at friends houses! This has probably been the biggest thing I have learned...before kids...i would judge and look at my young nieces as if they were animals some of the time...but I get it and never judge...UNLESS I witness a child back talking or whining because they didnt get what they want.

glowworm0166 · November 2013

Thank you all for your insights - it is really helpful!

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