XP : Need to save my marriage — The Bump
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XP : Need to save my marriage

This is posted on a different forum but I am interested in receiving a male perspective on my situation...mostly wondering if your wife/gf was having these thoughts...would you want her to talk to you about it?


I think my marriage is in trouble.  We have been married almost 3 years and have a 1.5 YO.  In the past few months I look and feel better than ever, I am lower than pre pregnancy weight and have just really been focusing on taking care of myself.  That is great news but it has produced somewhat of a problem - I have been getting more male attention than usual and I think that I like that WAY too much.  My husband is a great guy but he isn't around a ton, his work hours are odd and I feel like LO and I are alone a lot. 

I find my mind wandering daily about letting myself be wooed by some stranger, having just a sexual relationship or even just the excitement you get when you think of the idea of meeting someone new.  I would never cheat - ever, it has been deemed as a deal breaker by both my husband and I and I will always respect that, but I am writing this not to only vent but I need to know what to do to help my marriage.  I don't want to get divorced obviously but I'm also very logical - I don't see the point in staying with someone just because you think you "should" or you think its the "right thing to do." I made the conscious decision to enter into marriage and I want to work at it.

H and I have a great sex life - I would say 3-4/week is pretty normal for us, hes a good dad, husband and provider, we have a good life - so what the hell is wrong with me?? Why do I have these thoughts? I know deep down this isn't right but I don't know what to do to help...I know I'm going to get flamed by people saying "If you want to date around why didn't you just stay single?" - and that is fine, I welcome all opinions - but keep in mind I haven't always felt like this. I just want to know what I can do to either stop my wandering thoughts/eyes and/or help things with my marriage so I don't feel this need, it's really wearing on me. Any thoughts?

Re: XP : Need to save my marriage

  • ladyjenna13ladyjenna13 member
    edited November 2013

    Marriage is the long haul.  It is also not a natural act in the biological sense.  Because of that, marriages take a lot of hard work and committment.

    Getting excited about people noticing us "that way" is totally normal.  But thinking about acting on those things, while married, says more about the condition of a relationship then it does about liking the attention and getting an ego bump from it.  I notice females at work, and I am sure I am noticed at work as well.  I smile, maybe get flush for a moment, and I move on.  Everyone goes through this, and it doesn't stop just because of a ring.  We are human adults, and we connect with one another in many ways.

    I say this, if you are actively thinking about exploring sex outside of your marriage, then you need to re-examine your entire relationship.  As a husband, if my wife was thinking like you are, I would question the marriage and if it will survive.  Unless I am reading this wrong, you are certainly spending a lot of energy thinking about sex with people other than your spouse.  At some point, I would classify that as emotional cheating, at a minimum.

    I think, in most marriages not classified as open, cheating is a deal breaker. Don't know why you felt the need to inject that into it right after writing out your curiosity about having a sexual relationship outside of your marriage.

    I found this very telling.....

    " I don't want to get divorced obviously but I'm also very logical - I don't see the point in staying with someone just because you think you "should" or you think its the "right thing to do."

    Marriage is not logical, unless it is some sort of arranged marriage for other purposes.  Marriage is about being with someone to create a life together, based on love and respect.  It is about faith in another person to be honest and true.  It is about a lack of selfishness, and putting the other person ahead of yourself.  It is about giving your best to your spouse because that is what makes you happiest.  It is about a love that is unique between the two of you.

    If you are already thinking about the bolded, you really need to let your husband know that.  You need to respect him and be honest with him.  I put my marriage ahead of everything else.  My wife does too.  I stay because I love my wife and love sharing my life with her, in good or bad.  Sex is but one part of it all.

    You really need to be honest with yourself, and your husband.  At this point, that may be the only thing that can get the two of you back on track.

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  • apbloye said:
    Sounds like you are not getting the attention you would like from your husband. You need to talk to him about your thoughts and be open and honest with him. Maybe seeing a therapist for venting and talking about it would help. Spending time with the same sex friends is a great way to keep the mind straight and to have someone around to support you and your marriage.

    Be open, be honest and remember its natural to enjoy attention when its giving, but acting on these men giving you attention is a bad idea for you family in general.

    Sometimes, it is those friends that push the issue and give the cup of courage necessary to cheat.  My wife has friends that have cheated on husbands.  Don't know if I want her getting advice from them.  That would be like me going to some of my friends who think a stripper pole is their answer for everything. 

    This is really something that her and her husband need to work on together, if it worth it.  I question if she even feels that it is worth it anymore.

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  • Another thing very telling about the OP:

    Not one mention of her loving her husband.  NOT ONCE!!

    That, in my opinion, is very concerning.

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  • I didn't mention how much I love him because that is not the issue. Love is not lacking, lusting for others is the main concern. The fact that I am considering facing him head on about the problem - should insinuate that I do in fact, love him. Marriage is not natural and it is a lot of work - I appreciate your original reply and will consider how to be open and honest about this without worrying him to death. I think the logistics, or lack thereof, with marriage is my main problem.  I am very black/white on things and marriage is nothing like that.
  • I stand by my assessment that not bringing up love once in your OP is telling.  Never said that you don't love him, just that its absence in your OP leads me to think that there are other issues there too.

    You wanting to face him head on with this is not insinuating love to me.  It insinuates guilt over having these feelings.  Like I stated, heard a lot about sex, but nothing about love.

    As men, we need to hear that word.  Insinuations mean nothing to us.  I don't doubt that you love your husband.  But you mentioned your sex life with him without once mentioning love.  There might be something to that. 

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    [Deleted User]
  • @lady so do you think I need to be more "lovey" with him? You say men need to hear that their wives love them, which is obviously understandable. So are you suggesting I try that before bringing this up to him?

    Admit it, if your wife came to you and said "I love you very much and things are going okay in general but there is something missing, something - that is causing me to wonder what is over the fence" wouldnt you freak out a little?
  • So you have a great sex life, are lusting after others but don't feel tempted to actually cheat?

    I honestly don't see the problem here. Maybe you are craving a bit of romance.
    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • I would certainly freakout.  The idea of another man touching my wife.......forget about it!

    With that in mind, that is 100 times better than hearing about anything after the fact, which leaves my mind to wander to places I certainly do not want it to go.

    Having that love reaffirmed, not just spoken, but felt, could go a long way in lessening the blow of such a conversation.

    Lying by ommision is still lying.  If this is something that is having an impact on your daily life, and causing you to have some serious thoughts about your relationship, loving your husband would mean sharing those thoughts with him.

    For better or worse....That IS what seperates marriage from everything else.

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  • LuckyDad said:
    So you have a great sex life, are lusting after others but don't feel tempted to actually cheat?

    I honestly don't see the problem here. Maybe you are craving a bit of romance.


    Maybe you are right.. the reason I don't feel tempted is because of what it would cause. Pain, heartbreak, divorce - because of an action I made - no thanks.  But what I am trying to figure out is what to do/work on so I stop thinking about it, since after all thinking about it is still pretty bad.

    So the advice I am hearing is to tell him I love him more often and maybe request a little more romance. Thanks, dudes:) I will give it a whirl.

  • Romance and being close certainly would solve a lot of issues.  I think the main reason people stray in a marriage is because they do not feel close and connected to their spouse.  It takes a lot of work to maintain that after the spark has gone.  After three years and a LO, it is not that hard to see how the spark could dim.

    It is up to both of you to work on that.  Talking about it openly and honestly is the first step.

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  • For me, what helps is that I start to think of all the things that I would lose if I decided to try and find another.  That helps me to keep centered.  There is also always fantasizing about someone picking you up as long as you keep them fantasies you will be safe.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


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