Any suggestions to politely refuse a baby shower?

FutureMrsAthenaLane · November 2013

After bringing the good news to the family and friends of my pregnancy, I had several people opt to do my baby shower (which I think most people do).
However, there is one offer, I really _REALLY_ do not want, and my subtle "That is not what i am envisioning for my baby shower." or "I don't think that will work for me." are falling on deaf ears.
The offer was from my brothers fiance. Also, this "offer" was presented to me as a "I am doing your baby shower, I already have it planned and my family and friends are already invited.You will need to invite your family and whoever else you want there, then inform me of the numbers." The location is at her mothers house, Her mother being a woman who openly dislikes and berates my family, My brother especially. At the shower they will be serving strictly alcoholic beverages, the only alternative being water. Not that I have a problem with water, but choosing between wine, cosmo, or water seems bleak. The food menu is baby food themed. Apple sauce, mashed sweet potatoes, ect. The only other alternative to the menu she is willing to make is to make it an ice cream bar. If the baby shower was being held in the spring, summer, or even early fall, then ice cream bar would be lovely. However, the baby shower is being held in late January in Utah. For those not in Utah, or have not visited, January in Utah means FREEZING temperatures, normally about feet of snow, likely a snow storm going on. When I said that we could talk about a more winter friendly menu (warm foods), I was informed of how rude I am for not "accepting" what she is doing as a gift.
I will also be play designated driver for my brothers fiance and friends home after the event and clean up is finished, as well as shuttle and pick up driver to the shower (Her family has a rule about how many cars they will allow in front of the house before calling the cops to get them towed they have informed me that there can only be 4, including the 2 spare places in their drive way).
Being 8 months pregnant, playing taxi service for soon to be drunk ladies, having over the top over baby theme... oh and did I mention I am being held liable for half the bill? Right now I have been told that my total I owe with the current "estimate" is $2,500, which may get higher by January.
I have no idea how having a baby shower at a "free" location, Me having to play shuttle, I have to help set up, clean up, using disposable party ware, and having food being.. cheap... The most expensive thing being the booze... became a $5000 baby shower. When I asked how she got those numbers, She said if there is a problem, I can pay in her in gift cards from returns.
Nothing has been bought for the shower yet, just her and her mother have been spending a weekend once a month "planning", I am not invited to these planning meetings so I don't really know what happens at them. I don't mind helping pay for shower, after all it is my shower for my baby. But...

I just want to nip this before they start buying things, and I want to avoid a massive fight with my brother.
Any suggestions would be super helpful. Thank you!

sunnidazze12 · November 2013

Oh wow! That all sounds awful to me!!

I think it would be fairly easy way out to say- "thank you so much for your generous offer, however, I'm not willing to spend that money on my shower nor return gifts, but thanks again for your offer." And I'd leave it at that. Anything else that is brought up, id just say -- no, it just won't work for me, but thank you.

divinemsbee · November 2013

She sounds a little insane, and while I'm all about that a shower is a gift and you shouldn't have anything to do with planning, this sounds totally nuts. I think you're just going to have to say no and damn the consequences. Also, you should not be paying for your own shower. Paying is hosting and you should not be asked to host your own shower. At the very least I'd tell them/her to plan what she can afford because you don't feel comfortable contributing to/hosting your own shower. And, frankly, if your money was going to go into it, you should get something better than that (not that your money should go into it, just you know, it's your money so you spend it how you want, not on demand).

Cosmo, wine or water at a baby shower?! That's totally ludicrous. I don't mind booze at showers, but it seems like another non-alcoholic or at least maybe some warm options would be great (hot chocolate/coffee drinks).

You playing chauffeur? Threatening to tow guests' cars? Paying her back with gift cards from returns of gifts to you for your baby? She is an insane person. And possibly not being totally honest about the costs (5K in applesauce, vodka, and cranberry juice? No) Nothing has been bought yet. Tell her no. Tell her no in texts/emails/on the phone/in a Facebook PM. Get your no in writing to her. If no one else offers a shower, I think not having one is preferable. People who want to buy for you will buy or ask about your registry.

A shower is a gift, and this is a 6 foot tall metal rooster. Avoid. I don't know that there's anything you can do about your brother other than say, as nicely as possible, that you hate for her to go to the trouble and that you're really fine with not having one. If he pushes, I'd still fight because this is nuts.

Avion22 · November 2013

Can you get your brother to help you out here?

This is nuts. I think you have to put your foot down, and it will be hard to be polite about it (because really, what's going on here is nuts). "I don't feel comfortable with what you are describing." "I appreciate the offer, but that doesn't sound like something my friends and family would enjoy." "I appreciate the offer, but I just can't afford to spend my own money on a party right now, so I'm going to have to decline."

Unknown · November 2013

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Disneygeek77 · November 2013

Something fishy is going on here. Look at this point you will have to be direct and say no thank you every single time. No no no. She will get upset but that is ok. She is the one in the wrong here not you. Her ideas for the shower are outrageous.

Disneygeek77 · November 2013

This shower also isn't about you. This is a chance for them to have a big party a give a poor sap half the bill. She is pretty much scamming you.

Trust me she will be very upset because her scam didnt work but the world won't end if she is upset with you. I am honestly angry for you because she must think you are stupid and a pushover.

RebeccaY1 · November 2013

I would just be direct and tell her thanks but no thanks. It doesn't sound like a shower for you, but instead a party for her. I would be upset if there were alcoholic drinks at my shower. Baby showers should be alcohol free since it's supposed to be about the mother to be and not the guests.

Disneygeek77 · November 2013

Oh and I also wanted to say that they might try to say that you owe them for what they already bought i.e. pay for the liquor that is already in their liquor cabinets. Do not fall for that.

Honestly, they don't sound like good people and take advantage of other's politeness and kindness.

spinsoffresonance · November 2013

Lurking from 1st tri, but I just had to say this is insane. I never had a baby shower when I was expecting my first. We ended up spending just around $1000 on ALL the baby stuff we needed ( and we had to buy everything, didn't know anyone with kids to get hand-me-downs). $5000 on a baby shower is absolutely outrageous, seriously, even $500 on a baby shower sounds too much to me. Tell her you appreciate the offer but you don't feel comfortable with what she is planning, that you're not going to pay for half because that would be hosting your own shower and that you don't want her to spend anywhere near this much money on you, so maybe it would just be best to cancel it all together.

Emmy722 · November 2013

Please let us know how this goes.

Disneygeek77 · November 2013

I'm sorry to be bothering you again, but for some reason, this post really got my goat. I understand you are being put in an awkward position with your brother's fiancée and you do have my sympathy; but remember you are going to be a momma soon and you have to do what is best for the family you are creating. You simply can't afford to spend a single cent on this nonsense. NOT A SINGLE CENT.

I have a few questions and I also want to give you some things to think about.

1. When she said " I already have it planned. My friends and family are invited " was a red flag that this was never about you. I would also bet you a bajillion dollars that her thought process was " Hmmm, I'd love to throw a big drinking party, but I don't have the money. Maybe when fiancé's sister is pregnant and can tell her I will throw her a baby shower and have her foot half the bill."

2. So her mother berates your family and your brother? Does she ever tell her mom to stop or stand up to her ? Does anyone else say anything to her mother ? Has your brother ever spoken up ? If so, maybe she simply comes from a family of bullies and they honestly see your family as a bunch of pushovers that will do anything to avoid confrontation.

3. I have a feeling that the $2500 number is a huge exaggeration. They are starting out with a big number, so that when they tell you the real number, you will feel relieved and just pay it. It is just a negotiating tactic.

" Oh, you can't pay $2500 ? Well just give us $1000 and we will call it even. "

" You can't even pay $1000 ? Could you at the very least give us $500 for YOUR shower ? Come on, look how much less that is."

Again, they are trying to scam you and do not give them a single cent. If you do...well then don't be surprised when they keep doing it.

rowanthefrog · November 2013

I've heard some crazy stories but this is way up there.

I have hosted MANY showers and none of them have had a $5k bill at the end! I'm guessing its the booze that is contributing to that, alcohol adds up and there is NO reason you should be paying for it.

I'd go with, "thanks for the offer but I'd much rather spend that $2500 on things I need for my child rather than a big party that I can't partake in." Rinse, repeat. If it gets contentious (and it sounds like it will) then simply tell them you won't be there and to stop planning immediately. Where is your brother in all this?

A

Meery82 · November 2013

Damn. I wish this was MUD and there really aren't psycho, control freak future SILs like this out there, but I don't think it is. The PPs have pretty much covered it, but I just want to reiterate that:

A) You should never pay for, or be asked to pay for, any part of your shower, especially when the estimate is $2500 fucking dollars.

Tell her no. Firmly. Keep saying no until she backs off. Do NOT accept this train wreck of a shower.

C) Your future SIL is a terrible party planner. Baby food? Ice cream in the dead of winter? Alcohol only? Just no.

D) Your future SIL is a crazy bitch. So is her mother. Your brother might want to back away slowly.

awc1986 · November 2013

So she thinks this is a gift?

You know what a great gift would be? A fucking onesie.

LEIGHLOVE09 · November 2013

Talk to your brother and just say no. I probably wouldn't even be polite about it. It sounds like they may need to be hit over the head with a loud no on this one.

SparkySharky · November 2013

Just say no, sister. There's a difference b/t giving in for the benefit of a little good will b/t future family members - and this.

I realize it might be hard to say no after you already said yes. But as soon as she said $2500 (especially with nothing having yet been bought), she gave you an out. Tell her you've reconsidered altogether. The pricetag opened your eyes to how you've been approaching this all wrong (not actually true, but it will help you to get out of this) and $2500 would be much better spent on the baby (or that you can't afford it - whichever is more true). Say you're so happy you were only in the planning stages and you have to decline. Then dodge her after that so you don't get sucked into drama. If you can't avoid her, just be super-apologetic (even though you won't mean ANY of it) and utterly unwavering. If she acts like it was something really special to her that she wanted to do for you - just offer to do a spa day together with just the two of you. See if she actually takes you up on it or if you're actually calling her bluff.

Either way, don't feel guilty and don't waiver. She sounds highly manipulative and you don't want her to think you're a sucker or else it will never end.

skunk1039 · November 2013

WTH?! This sounds outrageous to me! Why should you have to worry about spending $2,500 when that could be going towards your baby's FUTURE? That's what a BABY shower is all about, right? It's not some excuse for her friends and family to party/get wasted.

rowanthefrog · November 2013

Vinny424 said:

Having any luck shutting this shower down yet?

I want an update on this one too!

A

24karat · November 2013

Told DH about this and he responded with:

Eahen42 · November 2013

That's freaking crazy! Tell her very seriously and kindly that you're not interested in any of it. If she doesn't listen tell your brother that you won't show up and you certainly aren't going to pay for anything. Sorry you have to go through this, I cannot even imagine.

LEIGHLOVE09 · November 2013

Yes would love an update!

InLovewSB · November 2013

'Pay her in gift cards from the returns' ..... this is obviously her bachelorette party, maybe bridal shower that she's throwing herself. It has nothing to do with you and your baby.

k1dub · November 2013

I'd be honest "thanks but that sounds like more work than I'm willing to put into a shower being thrown for me, esp. that late in my pregnancy."

lauralou3x3 · November 2013

Wow, just wow. I don't even know what to say! But that is ridiculous!

jasrun80 · November 2013

I'd say "it may not be conventional to you but my doctor doesn't think traveling during my third trimester is smart" and tell them thank you any way but it's not happening. say you're overwhelmed as well and traveling is concerning to you. or tell them to get a cab, eat baby food & screw off! the drinks sound fun to me but I'm a huge fan of alcohol so I just can't wait til I can drink again!!!

FutureMrsAthenaLane · January 2014

Hey Sorry for being out so long, life has been crazy! There is an update!
Her planned shower has offically been denied. After confronting her, and being very blunt, as well as having to be quite blunt with my brother. It was a little hairy for a while, but it has evened out.

She is still having her party she already invited people too, just it is no longer a shower. I will not be attending. thank you all for your support and Advice =D I hope you guys are having a wonderful new year!

Disneygeek77 · January 2014

Good for you for standing your ground.

She didn't ask you for any money did she ?

Mrodriguez898 · January 2014

She sounds horrible and so does the situation! Frankly, I would flat out tell her though I appreciate her wanting to throw me a shower I will have to decline on the offer. If she keeps pushing and being nice doesn't help, just push back and say do what you want but I won't be there and I won't pay for something I didn't want. Sometimes you have to snap back for people to get the message. Good luck

Giraffealaff · January 2014

Yeah... No.

Usuaully, I'm of the "a shower is a gift, so you really don't have much say" party, but in this case, this is not a shower, and it's not about you. And honestly, I don't even see the need to be polite at this point, considering you have already told her multiple times in different ways that this is not an agreeable shower.

These people are trying to manipulate you into some kind of convoluted party they want to have but cannot afford, and they will say and do what they have to in order to guilt you into it. I would be extremely blunt - "I realize you want to have a party but there are a few things I need to say to you - An atmosphere where there are a lot of drunk people, most likely isn't in the best interest of my child's safety - neither is playing taxi for your friends. I understand there is a cost to all parties, but if you can't afford such a large party, and you still want to do something, I would be open to a much smaller gathering. Otherwise, thank you for the offer, but NO thank you."

If this causes a problem, then so be it - it seems to me like unless you do what they say it's going to cause a problem anyway. And realistically if they berate you and your family, those aren't the type of people I would necessarily want around my child anyway.

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