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Am I wrong to feel this way? Need advice...

vmsykoravmsykora member
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Hi,

So it's been 5 months since I lost my baby at 6.5 weeks, and it was after trying to conceive for a year (and after 3 failed IUIs). I am in my late 30s. We've been trying for the last 4 months once again and so far ...no new pregnancy. It's frustrating because I just feel defeated, especially since I always hear that your more fertile after a mc, so why nothing?! 

Anyway, a good friend of mine had found that she was also pregnant a week before I did. Of course, everything is just dandy and she is progressing right along. Honestly, I am happy for her and her family (she already has a child who is 3) but it is actually getting more difficult for me to see her. I met her for lunch a few weeks back and there was her perfect bump staring at me the entire time. She just contacted me again, and wants to meet for dinner but I just don't know if I have it in me. She also makes comments that closer to her due date (which is a week before mine would have been) that she could use my help since her husband travels. Every time I leave her, I just cry...it's so hard to see her because I know I would have been right along with her and experiencing everything she is experiencing and physically looking like her. I feel like a horrible person and a horrible friend for having these feelings and thoughts. I've been feeling this way for a few months, and finally decided to vent on here to get some advice. Do I tell her how I feel? Do I just avoid her and come up with excuses why I can't get together. We plan on going the IVF route if nothing happens by the end of the year, so in the meantime....trying to stay positive, but it's hard.

 I try so to be a kind and loving person/friend, so part of me feels really guilty. Could use some thoughts here.... thanks......
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Re: Am I wrong to feel this way? Need advice...

  • KC1212KC1212 member
    *son in my siggy*

    My son was conceived after 4 years MFI. During that time we also did 2 IUIs which failed. I'm currently miscarrying my second pregnancy.

    Anyway- during the 4 years of before my son I felt similar to the way you describe although, I had not yet lost a baby but, was mourning the absence of one.

    Knowing the complicated emotions of jealousy that stems from IF (or secondary IF in my current case) and the complete heartbreak of miscarriage if I were in your shoes I would do the following:

    First, if she is not a super close friend then I would let the friendship go. Does she contribute to the friendship? Is she truly your friend? if no, then terminate the relationship.

    If she is a true friend then here are my thoughts:

    First if she does not know about your loss and struggles come clean and including the emotional aspect because she might simply be ignorant of the situation.

    If she does know about your situation then I would simply again come clean. I sure if she were to imagine the situation in reverse then she would understand.

    Honestly, I would protect my mental health and distance myself. If you are TTC you need every ounce of your emotional and mental strength. I don't think you need to be helping her take care of a newborn that would be only be a very painful reminder and salt on a raw wound. I would tell her that you are flattered she thought of you but, perhaps a Grandmother would be more appropriate and eager for the job.

    I say all of this but, I think it is important for you (and all of us) to stay social when we can. What I mean is- before my son was born all of my friends were pregnant and I ended up not only losing friendships but really isolating myself which I don't this was healthy either.

    So sorry for your loss and please know you are not a bad person and your feelings are normal.
    image

    Me: 27 DH: 33
    Married 6 years
    Conceived DS after 4 years of MFI

    TTC # 2 (not trying,not preventing ever)
    May 2013 - August 2013 Timed Intercourse = BFN
    September 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs=BFN
    October 2013 Timed Intercourse, Weekly Acupuncture, Herbs, and "warming foods" = BFP
    Beta #1 19, Beta #2 18 Progesterone 4.6 Miscarried 11/9/13
    November 2013 - Benched, waiting for first post-loss AF.
    No longer benched per New RE/OB!
    Jan. 15 2014 - BFP. HCG 3900 - Ectopic :( 
    Jan. 16 2014 Left tube removed and D&C
    March 2, 2014 First AF


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  • sunflwr2sunflwr2 member
    ugh! its just not easy all around. is there any way you can talk to her about it? I know that is probably going to be so difficult. but maybe just explain how you are feeling. tell her how happy you are for her, and that you cant wait to meet her baby, but its bringing up some feelings you werent expecting. ask her to be patient with you. and to not stop asking you to do things. let her know you want to be part of their lives but you are still figuring out how to get through certain things.
    I hate when people walk on egg shells around me or dont include me to do things because they feel bad. but at the same time, doing those things just plain sucks sometimes. I love my friends, but sometimes going to another 1st birthday party is just too hard. but sometimes its not. and it really depends on how im feeling at that moment. and thats ok.
    so if you feel like long term, its a friendship you dont want to lose, I really think honesty is the best policy. tell her you appreciate the invites but please dont be offended if you have to say no sometimes. its ok to protect your feelings sometimes. it doesnt make you a bad friend.
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