Trying to keep it together

malamutemommy · November 2013

I'm still in the ICU and have yet to see my son. I'm awfully depressed and have spoken to my OB about it and she has started me on Zoloft. I'm strictly on bed rest because my BP was so high and I'm at risk of seizures and strokes right now until it comes back down, and baby Andrew is still in the NICU so I haven't been able to see him. It's absolutely the worst feeling, and I feel like he was just torn from me and now I'm just a mess. I want to see my son. And they've been having me pump up here in ICU but the lactation consultant came right after I had gotten to my room to recover from the surgery, so I was in a haze and I have no idea what she was telling me. I'm not getting anything but a few drops when I pump and I'm feeling really discouraged. DF is being supportive but I just feel like I can't do anything right. I can't carry my son to full term, I can't even see him, and I can't even get a milk supply going. I feel like a complete failure and I just want to see my son, it's not fair. DF has seen him, my mom, my brother, DF's sisters, etc. Everyone but me and it is so not fair. I just want to see my son. I'm a giant sobbing mess.

Caitlinh27 · November 2013

I'm so sorry

Big hugs and prayers that things start looking up and you get to see your LO soon!

Ansleyturner · November 2013

That's horrible!! I'm so sorry your going through this.. T&P you will recover very quickly and get to go see him!! You have every right to be upset and don't let anyone tell you differently.

cpiganelli · November 2013

So sorry. It will get better though. Ask your family members to show you pictures. It's not the same, but at least you will be able to see him

northport6 · November 2013

Honeypie, I feel badly for what you're going through and can't imagine how strong you've had to be just to get to this point.

I think if @AmyG* were here she'd tell you to take it easy on the BFing expectations right now, that you've been through a lot of trauma and that building your supply is just going to take time, and several visits from the lactation consultant.

You have a thousand tomorrows with your precious son and the moment you're reunited, this will all start to feel like a bad dream floating away.

Hang in there, we are ALL pulling for you. ❤❤

cammyisagirlsname · November 2013

I'm so sorry. This post breaks my heart. But soon you'll see him and soon you'll start feeling better since they started you on Zoloft. Sending love and positive vibes your way. xoxo

Lroberts1187 · November 2013

Hey!! Chin up! You did a damn good job and don't let yourself forget that! You call that lactation lady back tomorrow and talk to her! In the mean time a few drops of colostrum is like an oz of formula so don't worry so much about quantity!!! When pumping make sure you move your shields around so that you are pulling from all the milk ducts in your breast!! Good luck!!! Drink water like it's going out of style and hang in there girl!!!

swirl25 · November 2013

I am so very sorry you are going through this. Big T&Ps for you for a quick recovery and that you get to hold your baby very soon.

KFED103 · November 2013

So many hugs coming your way!! You have already been through so much and you just have to hold on a bit longer. Your son needs a recovered strong momma! Take a deep breath and definitely call the LC back to your room first thing in the morning. She might say a few drops a day after you've had the baby is normal and give you advice going forward.

(((((Hugs)))))) we are all here for you!

Tigger & pooh · November 2013

I am so sorry. Your pumping sounds fine baby wouldn't get much more right now. I hope your blood pressure comes down soon so you can see your little boy.

RanFan28 · November 2013

I'm just sorry. ((Hugs)) You are strong, mama. As hard as it is, you have to let yourself heal to be the best for baby Andrew. Prayers to you.

Buckeye608 · November 2013

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. Lots of T&P for you and Andrew. Try and be gentle with yourself, which I imagine is difficult in the midst of so much. You have wonderful days ahead, just take the tough days one at a time!

AllyDogg · November 2013

So sorry to hear this

have you asked your nurses if it's possible for the baby to be brought to you for a quick visit? I know some hospitals have rules against babies in the ICU, (and it might be more complicated because he is in the NICU) however, I think it would definitely help with your recovery. Or, does the hospital have wifi that they could skype you and the baby? Not the same as seeing him, but a least something. Keeping my fingers crosses that someone will make an exception for you!

mightymousy · November 2013

oh hunny

*HUGS*

notkateanymore · November 2013

I'm so sorry.

{{{{}}}} Have they told you when you might get to see him?

airsica · November 2013

I totally know how you feel. My twins were born at 28 weeks and I didn't get to see them for quite a while after their birth. As for the pumping, it is really normal for you to only get a couple drops. Every 2-3 hour pump, you probably won't see much more for a few days. He doesn't need much more for a day or so. If you are allowed to drink water, do it and get as much rest as you can. The BEST thing you can do for your little man is to rest so you can go see him. It is totally ok to cry and fall apart, let them give you something to help you sleep if you can. And like they said you will have millions of days with your little man ahead.
Rest, and don't feel bad about calling the nurse, LC, DR's yours and the babies (they'll come to you), and ask all the questions you want. Good luck!

tyedyeme12 · November 2013

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I am praying for you and Andrew. I pray you can see him so soon.

You have done an amazing job. You will see him soon and get all the baby snuggles you deserve.

((Hugs!!))

thetheisens · November 2013

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. That is a lot for anyone to go through. I hope you can see Andrew soon and have him in your arms. If you have the strength, keep going with the pumping. It took 4 almost 5 days for my milk to come in when I pumped for my ds in the NICU. I pumped every 2 or 3 hours each time and just got drops the first few days. Even if bfing doesn't work out, you are still an amazing mother and you tried.

HollowayBrandon · November 2013

What a heartbreaking post, I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time right now

I really feel for you, and I hope you are able to be with baby soon. You are not a failure, you are doing the best you can under these circumstances! Best wishes for you and baby to be together very soon.

Crgardner957 · November 2013

I'm so so sorry

I hope you see him very soon. You are not a failure. Hugs!!

ktox61 · November 2013

I am so sorry you are going through this. I had major depression and guilt after I had DD and she ended up in the NICU. I felt like the only thing I could do was to pump to try and get her something and all I ever got was drops. I know what you are going through is impossibly difficult and it is easier said than done, but don't try to put too much pressure on yourself. You are doing an amazing job and your LO is strong.

VerySurprised · November 2013

I'm so sorry! Praying for you to heal quickly and be reunited with your baby boy.

RI8340361 · November 2013

I'm sorry, sending good thoughts to you and your family. Best wishes to you and little Andrew!

snorticusprime · November 2013

T & P's headed your way! I hope your BP comes down soon and you get to see your precious boy. Is there an on call LC you could get to come see you?

lifesaverz · November 2013

oh hunny, I am so so sorry.

I can't imagine how difficult that must be. Hang in there, although time is probably going by slow right now, I'm sure you really will get to see him soon! The best thing you can do is just focus on recovering...I'm sure the faster you heal the sooner you'll be able to see him. Maybe have your DH take some video for you if possible? hugs, hugs, & more hugs to you!

Aycul18 · November 2013

You are not a failure! You are amazing and strong. Yes, this situation sucks, and it's depressing and hurtful, but you will get through this, and then it'll all just be a bad dream. You will see and hold your son sooner than you know it. Hang in there mama. Try to relax, so hopefully your Bo goes down a bit.

babymonster30 · November 2013

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. Hang in there mama and soon this will all be over and you'll be able to spend all your time holding and snuggling your lo.

74dragonfly · November 2013

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Try and rest. I hope you can see him soon. Sending a big hug.

grannyweatherwax · November 2013

I am so sorry

Is there a way you can do face time on your phones or a video chat where DH is in the NICU and you can see him? I know it's not the same at all, but it would be a step up from pictures. Don't feel like you have to keep it together, let it all out. Find someone to talk to there, maybe a family member. Ask when you can see LO. Maybe they can wheel you to the NICU?

Don't be discouraged by pumping, it takes a few days for milk to come in and right now LO's tummy is so small, those few drops is all he needs.

bethLenell · November 2013

I'm so sorry! FX that you get to see him soon.

playball13 · November 2013

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope you are able to hold your son soon.

notthecheat · November 2013

No, its not fair at all that you don't get to see him!! Mama, you have done such a great job of caring for him so far, and you are continuing to do so! You are doing what you can to take care of yourself (recognize and intervene regarding your depression), and I hear it is way common to get barely anything from breastfeeding/ pumping in the beginning. FTM but I hear if you stick with it, it eventually becomes a natural milk fountain. Don't be so hard on yourself! This is only temporary- it feels like forever now but soon you will be holding your son in your arms at home. You are doing such a great job, mama, especially given the complications you have had to go through. Keep up the amazing work, keep doing your thing, and things are going to be great! >:D<

katieh704 · November 2013

So sorry your going through this:(. Prayers for a speedy recovery

AGriffin620 · November 2013

Oh hun...I am so sorry you're going through this and feeling so sad.

Hopefully you can get your BP down and everything stabilizes so you can see your LO. Hang in there and know that we're here for support. Sending positive thoughts and big hugs your way.

Leanng87 · November 2013

Hang in there girl. Hugs.

NurseKMM · November 2013

I'm sorry. You have every right to be upset and feeling frustration right now. But you are anything but a failure. Thoughts and prayes sent that you get to see your son soon.

dbucks · November 2013

What everybody else said.

You are amazing and not a failure, and you're son is always going to know that. You've done (and continue to do) everything you can for him, and soon you'll get to hold him. Feel better soon, hun.

Keenanshell · November 2013

So sorry hun, this must be very hard but nortport is right. You will have all the tomorrow's with Andrew and all of this will seem like a distant memory. He needs to be in nicu to get stronger and you also need to get stronger to get well so you need to try to keep yourself calmer as it won't help you improve quicker. Keep focused and just think, it won't be long until you can see and hold your son. Not long xxxx

amberpro · November 2013

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine.

You're being an incredibly strong mama, please don't beat yourself up about any of these circumstances that are/were beyond your control. Sending you positive thoughts and lots of hugs.

jy725 · November 2013

I'm so sorry! This is such a difficult situation. Hang in there and stay strong.

cboink · November 2013

First, You are not a failure! You brought a beautiful baby into this world. Maybe not the way you had planned but you did it anyway. That is huge and you should be proud. You are and will be an amazing mamma. Second, don't be discouraged about BF. the more you stress the harder it can be. So relax as much as you can. It will all work out.
So many creepy hugs to you and I hope you get to see your precious babe soon. You can do this!!!!

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