March 2014 Moms

So, I'm having a meltdown

First, I'm sorry for what will most likely be a long and rambling and possibly incoherent post, but I'm sitting here losing it and DH is still at work for an hour. 

This week has been a total shit sandwich. Exams are creeping up, I have tons of stuff due at school, holidays are coming, etc. Short story, I'm super stressed. I wanted to talk to my parents (we live with them) about getting down to cleaning out the spare room so we can move out the furniture and start getting what will be LO's nursery ready. The plan is to move my sister into the spare room and make her room (which is next to DH and I) the nursery. The issue is, every time I bring it up, my mom says we have to get the roof fixed because the ceiling in the spare room leaks and it's making the paint fall down. The problem with that is no one has any money to get a new roof, or to hire someone to fix it, or the initiative/knowhow to do it themselves. So the conversation was put off yet again, and now I'm sitting in my room losing it over something that really is just stupid. 

I think this is just making me feel like I'm a terrible person and we made a huge mistake TTC. I feel like such an idiot for daring to think that we should start our family now. I see everyone with their shit together, money saved, budget planned and I already feel like a terrible parent. All of my reasons for thinking "yeah, now is the right time" seem so stupid. We were in a shitty place financially a year ago, but we've come a long way and have a solid plan in place for the future. We still have a long way to go though, and probably won't be able to comfortably afford to move to our own place for a year or two. We thought trying now, so that I could stay home with the baby while I was finishing school, would be preferable to waiting another two to three years to start having kids, because I wouldn't have to lose time at a job I just started for maternity leave, and we want a lot of kids so starting sooner was better. Yeah, those reasons made a lot more sense before I was actually pregnant. 

Now, I just feel so small because I can't even give my kid a nursery, what the hell was I thinking trying to get pregnant? And I feel so stupid crying over something like my parents not wanting to talk about the nursery, it's like I'm some entitled Teen Mom brat or something. This is all on top of me being terrified that I'm not going to be able to bond with LO or really learn how to be a parent because my family will be constantly hovering. And on top of me still not having a job lined up for after graduation- thinking about that just sends me into a black hole of panic and anxiety. 

So, meltdown. If you made it this far, thank you for letting me vent, and virtual cake and punch to you. 
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Re: So, I'm having a meltdown

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  • Oh I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! You'll be a great mom! And stop second guessing your decisions to start a family it's a wonderful thing!
    All will fall into place and if your family is over bearing and you need more time to bond with lO just say you need space and mommy baby time

  • Don't be so hard on yourself. I have 5 kids and not a single one had a "nursery". I had the crib set up beside our bed. I did some decorating all around it. Set up a change table sort of thing, and had all the baby clothes all ready. Babies don't need a big fancy nursery, and honestly it really is  waste of money. 

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  • Sending you creepy Internet hugs because I hate that feeling of not having control over things and feeling like I can't do anything to change it. I've learned a lot about not resisting what is and accepting life on life's terms. Once you accept what it is (doesn't mean you have to like it), you have a starting off point to make the best of what you can with it. I know a couple who brought their newborn home to a camper in a campground with other family.
    Don't question your notices for having a baby right now. Because regardless, it was done out of live and that can't be wrong.
    I hope some good news is just around the corner and/or you can find a balance between accepting the situation and doing something about it.

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  • Hugs.

    Our nursery will be in our room, your dont have to do it separately, in fact you may be happier to have LO close. Your reasons aren't stupid and as much as we like to prepare, there will always be something. You are a wonderful mother already, simply for worrying about this. A separate room is something LO won't even notice. Continue to save and do the things you can, rather than dwell on a problem that is not for fixing now.

    Much love red. Hugs*



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  • Creepy internet hugs to you. Sorry this is so stressful.

    Every time we (usually DH) start freaking out about baby stuff, I try to calm it down by thinking/saying we are not the first people in the world to have a baby. People do it every day...,with less money, support, common sense, housing....you name it. And it works out. So it will be fine.

    Is the room uninhabitable? Have you asked "so does that mean she's not moving, so no nursery?" What would be the answer to that? If the answer is no nursery, take time to mourn that, and make plans to make your room special for you and the baby. And thing about bigger, better stuff for the room you'll decorate when you get your own place. Perhaps the first room that your first born will remember.
    baby boy: 3.19.2014
  • edited November 2013
    *hugs* I feel your pain. Due to some recent changes in my company's business that have nothing to do with my work here, I don't know yet where I'm going to be giving birth (as in, which country), or where we'll be living (or who with), or if I'll even have a job at the time.  Thanks to the ACA I know if I'm forced back to the US that I'll have health care, but I still don't know how much it will cost.  

    I only share all that to let you know you're not alone in your uncertainty about the future, and to say that when I'm melting down (once a week at this point), I just remind myself that people all over the world still raise happy babies while living in a  single room with 12 other family members. As long as baby has our love and warm bodies to cuddle up against, things will be OK.   

    Also, my mom friends always tell me that a big part of being a successful mom is letting go of how you think things should be, and being flexible about how things are.  So, if that's a primary criteria for being an awesome mom, at this rate you and I are going to be ass kickers.

    I hope tomorrow is better! 
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  • I'm sorry you are feeling this way! You are going to be a great mother with or without a nursery. If you waited until you could really afford a child these days, you might be too old. My DH and I have considerable debt due to school loans and are far from being able to buy a house. You'll do the best for your baby with what you have. I hope your meltdown doesn't keep you down for long.

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  • Ditto everyone else. Don't be so hard on yourself. I don't know that there is ever the perfect time to have a baby. You will do what you need to do and that will be enough! Try not to stress so much about the big picture and just take it day to day. 

    Good luck with your exams! 

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  • DH and I live in a 1 bedroom apartment. We have money saved for a house but decided to wait to buy one until after we had a baby. So she will be sleeping in our room at first.

    We've waited to have babies because of money, but since it's what we really want (more than a house or money for vacas or anything), we decided to do it now.

    Now guess what? There is a very good chance my company is going out of business. She may live in our room until she goes to college. But I know it will all work out.

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  • I'm sorry! I understand the desire for a nursery being set up before baby arrives.  But DS slept in our bedroom for 9 months...we didn't use his nursery at all during that time! He slept in a bassinet, after he grew out of it at about 3 months I couldn't bear to put him in his own room so we bought a mini crib (amazing purchase!) so he could stay in with us for another 6 months. All this to say, you do have time. I dont blame you for being frustrated though, I would want to konw what the plan is too. 


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  • kmeyers0611kmeyers0611 member
    edited November 2013
    The fact that you care so much already proves that you're going to be a great mom! PPs are right... The nursery is more for you than the baby. They won't remember it and you may even enjoy having LO so close until you can get your own place. And yes, your family may be around all the time but look at it as extra help rather than a sacrifice. My mom told me the other day that my two oldest brothers had a pink nursery because they didn't have any money to change it. They don't remember and Havr no negative impacts! I know it's hard, but stop being so hard on yourself. We're al here for support and know you're going to make your LO so happy :)


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  • I've been going the through this too. I'm not going I be able to have a nursery either. But I just keep remembering that we will give it 100% and LO will love us regardless .. Even if we don't give them a nursery!
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  • I am so sorry! You know what, there is no such thing as the right time to have a baby! Even those people who "seem" to have it together don't and have the same "oh shit moments" you are having!
    Maybe talk to DH and figure out how to fix the ceiling yourself, maybe Pinterest has some ideas!
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  • No worries, luv, I'm sure a lot of us have had a meltdown or two about things that we can't necessarily control. I lost it the other day because DH wouldn't give me a good reason for circumcising before we found out what the sex was. (It's a girl, so this is no longer an issue, obviously.) All things in time, remember that, and enjoy the time you have with your loved ones and LO. :D Time flies!
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  • My husband and I are in about the same situation you guys are in! We moved in with my parents after finding out we are expecting because we weren't financially stable and thought it was for the best...my plan was to take the garage for the three of us but my mom said no because she doesn't think it's suitable for the baby and that her and my dad would move to the garage to leave us the two rooms so we can have a nursery for the baby but it seems like it's all talk and no work, the garage had to be cleaned and fixed but it seems like I'm the only one worried about it :|

    All this about the baby not remembering the nursery is very true, sometimes we just have to come down from the clouds I guess!
  • Agree with everyone about the nursery. Most hardly use a nursery at first. We had one for dd, but she never slept in her crib for months. We have a 2 bedroom place, so this new baby won't have a room of his own. He'll be in ours.

    Stress happens and it usually seems to happen all at once. Everything will work out in the end, it always does :)
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  • Someone once told me that "normal is a setting on your dryer!" Who needs storybook perfect? As soon a a kid gets ahold of that shit it will be ripped to pieces anyway! ;-)

    It sounds like you are going to be a fantastic mom...the shitty parents never worry about whether they are shitty parents. I figure that if you're not worried you aren't doing something right.

    I'm glad you and your dad talked, hopefully things will work out for you!
  • Soon exams will be over.  Eventually the roof will be fixed, even if it's a bit after baby is here.  Whether you know the end result of your life plan or not, you are moving forward - finishing school, looking for a job, saving money, etc.  These things that you cannot control will drive you mad if you dwell on them.  Take a deep breath and focus on the things you can control, one by one.  Squeeze in a little fun and a little downtime too because it's worth it.  Go to a resale shop and buy something really cheap and cute for your baby.  Wash your sheets (I love clean sheets - they feel so soft and smell so nice!) or whatever small pleasure will help ease your mind.  Have a glass of wine - yeah, I said that and I'd do it right now too, if I had some.  Take it one day and one issue at a time.  Soon, your load will lighten.

    Oh, and don't worry about the whole baby thing.  Your heart's in the right place - you will be a good parent - when the time comes, you'll do anything to make your life go the direction you want for your LO.  You are already a good mom - every day for the last 23 weeks.

    Chin up, head high, breathe.
               

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  • I had my first child at 18 to a guy who had bi polar and was violent and horrible. Shit story that one- let's move on!
    Anyway I got my degree after. Education I have found, was my key to stability and security- and you're in the process of completing school- so u will be fine!
    So sorry you were feeling like that though.
    You'll be a great mum/mom!!!
  • Hey I hear that most babies don't sleep in their nursery anyway, so jokes in all of us fretting over it lol. There's never the perfect time to have a child....there's always something (or at least in my world). Keep your head up! Remember why you started trying in the first place!! If it makes you feel any better my FIL, who has outstayed his welcome for the past 6 months, is in the room that will be our nursery. Grrrrre. No end in sight. We just gotta hang in there, right!???!!!!
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  • I can't get over how much your situation is so similar to mine. We lived with my in laws when I first got pregnant, and I went into a huge depression about the fact that they were going to see every little milestone in the baby's first year and my family wouldn't see a lot of it. I just got to where I couldn't stand the thought of living with them anymore (even though we get along great). My sweet husband picked up a weekend night job on top of the full time job he works, so that we could afford to move out.

    I'm in nursing school, and it's been soooo stressful. 4 more weeks this semester. We just got 500 stolen out of our bank account and even though the bank will probably replace it next week, it's added more stress. Were slowly being able to afford things for our baby's room. My husbands car broke down so we've been trying to make it work with one car even though our schedules completely clash.

    The list could go on and on.....but you are strong and I am sure you will get through this. Just focus on the good things and take one day at a time.
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  • I'm sorry you were feeling like that!  I just wanted to add that I think no matter how good of a situation we are in, we will always have "what was I thinking?!" thoughts about getting pregnant.  We were trying to get pregnant, but I probably have those thoughts at least once a day when I picture adding another baby to our lives.  

    We also do not have a room available for a nursery right now, and I have no idea what we're going to do with the new baby.  I know it will all work out eventually, and also that it doesn't really matter in the big picture, but that doesn't stop me from occasional (or frequent) freak-outs.  They suck, but I think they're normal.  

    Hugs!



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  • Oh my god baby girl gigantic hugs for you. Reading your story seemed eerie because I am basically in the same spot. I am half way through the quarter at school (the last one I'll take before leaving to have LO) and DH and I live with my dad in our 2 bedroom townhome with 2 dogs. I have never lived outside my dad's house. DH didn't have a car for a long time now because his work is a mile from here so he bicycled to work. We both make a few dollars above minimum wage, and are not in the best position to move out. We got pregnant because of some health issues involving me (not the mai or only reason), but planning on this pregnancy to happen at this time meant moving our wedding up, DH financing a vehicle so he could have a car for when LO arrives, and not moving out as soon as we had hoped.
    I have cried multiple times thinking it was my selfish fault for wanting to get pregnant sooner rather than later. Being a full time student whose pregnant and working full time with no idea of what or where you'll actually be when LO gets here is scary. But just like PP have said, it's that love and concern that will make you an amazing mother. Your child will be so lucky to have two parents who love him/her and probably won't remember the nursery. It's a much better situation than you two being in a big house and having a live in nanny raise your child because you're so busy working. Keep your chin up lovely, you're already doing great at this mommy thing :)



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  • It'll be ok. You have time. Just focus on school and what you need to get done tomorrow. Bring up the room again in January after you've made it through fall semester.
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  • You will be a great mom!!! Starting your family will not seem like a mistake but a great blessing! Your love for you LO is all that matters! Everything will fall into place and be just fine. Sometimes the people who struggle a little are the ones who have the closest families in the end because you realize what's important not silly things like a beautiful nursery and flashy things for your baby. It will be perfect!!! Just talk to your parents and hubby about how your feeling, they will support you and you will feel much better!!!! Xoxo
  • I agree with other comments regarding the nursery and as far as having a baby in law school, that certainly was not a bad idea. Once I started my legal career I was not in a place where I felt comfortable taking maternity leave until 6 years in my career. Depending on your job/career you plan that it's easier now than when starting career is probably right.

    I hope you are feeling better.
  • I think part of this may be the nesting urge, too. I am feeling it really strongly, and if I was not able to fiddle and do stuff to get ready for the baby, I would be feeling a lot of anxiety. The nesting instinct is very powerful and it needs an outlet.

    Dh has a cousin who had a baby last year while living at her mom's. She couldn't nest around the house so she became obsessive about packing and repacking her hospital bag! 

    So maybe that's part of where the tears come from - you have an urge to prepare and no outlet for it. 
    Mom to 5 wonderful kids: 18ds, 15ds, 13ds, 11dd and baby boy! Why get old when you can get pregnant?



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  • Yes hugs are in order!  You are in a stressful time and it is understandable to have a loose moment every once in a while!  I too am having a difficult time with finances and get a paniced Oh My Gosh what did we do feeling every once in a while.  It will all work out- that I know. 

    My child and yours will have a place to sleep, a safe/warm bed, and most importantly a loving family.  Hope you get a plan together but most of all We have time!  I too have no nursery now nor will I until a few months AFTER LO's birth.  We have to refinish a room in the basement to move my ds down before this LO will have their own room.  We plan to have LO in our room for 3months or so, it will work out but the overwhelmed feeling is understandable! 

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  • I would not stress over the things that you can not control. A lot of us don't have the ideal situation for a baby right now, however none of us will let that affect ( effect) the love we have for our babies. Take my situation, I am 28 I have 3 little boys and this will be my 4th baby ( little girl) me and my SO live in a 2 bedroom house right now. We have no yard and 3 dogs on top of that. I can't bring myself to get rid of my animals and it is very difficult to take care of everyone right now. Not to mention I thought I was done having kids and have absolutely nothing for this baby yet. My baby won't have her own nursery at least not until we move ( yes we are looking). My boys are all sharing 1 room and my dogs are driving me crazy. With that being said nobody has the perfect situation but we will all love our babies! Keep your head up.
  • ellajune2012ellajune2012 member
    edited November 2013
    First, the best piece of advice I ever got about having a baby is "if you wait until all the pieces of your life line up and the time is perfect, you'll be waiting forever."  There is no "perfect" time. You might think we've all got it together but the truth is, while some people might be financially better off, you don't know what their real life everyday situation is because we just see whatever little snippets of each other we choose to share with the world.

    Your baby doesn't "need" or care if they have a nursery.

    My mom had me at 15. She had just moved to the US with her parents and didn't speak English, didn't have any friends here, and dropped out of school after a week because the other girls picked fights with her. For the first 2 years of my life my father couldn't get a Visa to come live here and didn't have money to travel back and forth (since he was also only 16!). I know I didn't have a nursery, not because I remember any of this at all, but because I know the apartment she was living in with her parents and older brother wouldn't have had room for one. Did it matter one iota? Not at all.  We had a great childhood and I never felt in any way that I was deprived or that anything was not right or whatever.  She later went on to marry my dad, have my sister, get her GED and go to college and grad school while raising us, and I feel like we had a better example of how to live a good life from them than a lot of my friends whose parents had financial stability and "stuff" but terrible relationships or home lives. Also, we LOVED being so close to our grandparents and uncle. It's really kind of a cool thing for your child to experience, even if there are going to be fights and annoying things about it.
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  • I'm sorry you're so stressed.  :(

    As a stm, I can tell you that we had the nursery painted, decorated with hundreds of dollars in cute themed stuff, got a fancy crib/changing table set, rocking chair, everything.  

    Our son has slept in there exactly *0* times.  I fed him in the rocking chair maybe 6 times in the first couple days.  

    I wish now that my parents and us had saved the money and put it towards other baby stuff or whatnot.

    I know it is sort of a big thing that we look forward to when we're pregnant to get the nursery ready. But if it doesn't end up happening for a while, it's ok to do do it after baby is born, or even never!

    I told DH for this baby, I don't even want to mess with nursery stuff.  I'll be happy to have a co-sleeper in our bedroom or bedshare.

    Baby will be too young to care about the decor in the nursery for a while anyways, so try not to let it get you down. :)


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  • I just want to echo what everyone else has said -- and the fact that you are worrying so much just shows how much love you have for your LO and you'll do everything to protect them and make sure they have a great life.

    Good luck with exams -- you're going to rock those, too ;)
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  • I think we all (or at least a lot of us) have moments of panic where we think "did we do the right thing deciding to have a baby now?"  My husband and I were both 6 years out of law school when we had our first, and I was terrified that we wouldn't be able to handle a baby, work, etc. Now, two years later, I have the same fears with number 2. I am always terrified about money, and how things will be in the future emotionally and financially, but as someone else already said, if you keep waiting for the perfect time to start (or expand) your family, it may never happen.  Just remember that all your baby will need is food, a place (not a room ;) ) to sleep, and unconditional love.  It seems that you have all that down, so let the other pieces fall into place as you go.  Now study up for those finals (I remember them all too well), kick some butt, and take tomorrow as it comes.
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