First, I'm sorry for what will most likely be a long and rambling and possibly incoherent post, but I'm sitting here losing it and DH is still at work for an hour.
This week has been a total shit sandwich. Exams are creeping up, I have tons of stuff due at school, holidays are coming, etc. Short story, I'm super stressed. I wanted to talk to my parents (we live with them) about getting down to cleaning out the spare room so we can move out the furniture and start getting what will be LO's nursery ready. The plan is to move my sister into the spare room and make her room (which is next to DH and I) the nursery. The issue is, every time I bring it up, my mom says we have to get the roof fixed because the ceiling in the spare room leaks and it's making the paint fall down. The problem with that is no one has any money to get a new roof, or to hire someone to fix it, or the initiative/knowhow to do it themselves. So the conversation was put off yet again, and now I'm sitting in my room losing it over something that really is just stupid.
I think this is just making me feel like I'm a terrible person and we made a huge mistake TTC. I feel like such an idiot for daring to think that we should start our family now. I see everyone with their shit together, money saved, budget planned and I already feel like a terrible parent. All of my reasons for thinking "yeah, now is the right time" seem so stupid. We were in a shitty place financially a year ago, but we've come a long way and have a solid plan in place for the future. We still have a long way to go though, and probably won't be able to comfortably afford to move to our own place for a year or two. We thought trying now, so that I could stay home with the baby while I was finishing school, would be preferable to waiting another two to three years to start having kids, because I wouldn't have to lose time at a job I just started for maternity leave, and we want a lot of kids so starting sooner was better. Yeah, those reasons made a lot more sense before I was actually pregnant.
Now, I just feel so small because I can't even give my kid a nursery, what the hell was I thinking trying to get pregnant? And I feel so stupid crying over something like my parents not wanting to talk about the nursery, it's like I'm some entitled Teen Mom brat or something. This is all on top of me being terrified that I'm not going to be able to bond with LO or really learn how to be a parent because my family will be constantly hovering. And on top of me still not having a job lined up for after graduation- thinking about that just sends me into a black hole of panic and anxiety.
So, meltdown. If you made it this far, thank you for letting me vent, and virtual cake and punch to you.
Re: So, I'm having a meltdown
My best friend lived in her moms basement when she had her first child. No nursery. Controlling parents. Her son just turned 8 and is totally smart and they have a great relationship
Look at it this way: At least the decision has been made for you, ONE less thing to worry about! Nurseries are stressful.
2nd FET 6/14/2013 - BPF!!! -
1st Beta: 1046!!!!! - 2nd Beta: 2754!!!!!
First u/s 7/11/2013 - TWINS!!! 120 and 124 heartbeats
Second u/s 7/29/2013 - wiggley babies! 178 and 184 heartbeats!
Third u/s 9/9/2013 - 157 and 161 heartbeats ... a BOY and a GIRL!!!! Cervix on the "shorter side" (3-3.3) - going to check again in 2 weeks.
Fourth u/s 9/23/2013 - Baby A = 157 Baby B = 150 heartbeat. Cervix now 2.3-2.6 ... being referred to a MFM
MFM Appointment 9/26/2013 = Both babies healthy, cervix now measuring at 4 - Playing tricks on me ... will follow up in 2 weeks.
Cervical check 10/7 with regular OB - 2.1cm --- going BACK to the MFM armed with ultrasound pictures from my OB of my cervix. *sigh*
MFM Appointment 10/8 - confirmed my cervix at 2.1cm - putting me on Progesterone for a week.
MFM Appointment 10/17 - Cervix unchanged! Keeping me on Progesterone - followup 10/29
Everett Alan James (3lbs8oz) and Eliana Lee (3lbs7oz) born 12/28/13 at 30w6d!
All will fall into place and if your family is over bearing and you need more time to bond with lO just say you need space and mommy baby time
And also what is this talk about cake????
2nd FET 6/14/2013 - BPF!!! -
1st Beta: 1046!!!!! - 2nd Beta: 2754!!!!!
First u/s 7/11/2013 - TWINS!!! 120 and 124 heartbeats
Second u/s 7/29/2013 - wiggley babies! 178 and 184 heartbeats!
Third u/s 9/9/2013 - 157 and 161 heartbeats ... a BOY and a GIRL!!!! Cervix on the "shorter side" (3-3.3) - going to check again in 2 weeks.
Fourth u/s 9/23/2013 - Baby A = 157 Baby B = 150 heartbeat. Cervix now 2.3-2.6 ... being referred to a MFM
MFM Appointment 9/26/2013 = Both babies healthy, cervix now measuring at 4 - Playing tricks on me ... will follow up in 2 weeks.
Cervical check 10/7 with regular OB - 2.1cm --- going BACK to the MFM armed with ultrasound pictures from my OB of my cervix. *sigh*
MFM Appointment 10/8 - confirmed my cervix at 2.1cm - putting me on Progesterone for a week.
MFM Appointment 10/17 - Cervix unchanged! Keeping me on Progesterone - followup 10/29
Everett Alan James (3lbs8oz) and Eliana Lee (3lbs7oz) born 12/28/13 at 30w6d!
Sending you creepy Internet hugs because I hate that feeling of not having control over things and feeling like I can't do anything to change it. I've learned a lot about not resisting what is and accepting life on life's terms. Once you accept what it is (doesn't mean you have to like it), you have a starting off point to make the best of what you can with it. I know a couple who brought their newborn home to a camper in a campground with other family.
Don't question your notices for having a baby right now. Because regardless, it was done out of live and that can't be wrong.
I hope some good news is just around the corner and/or you can find a balance between accepting the situation and doing something about it.
What I can tell you, is DS slept in a pack n play 14 inches from my bed the whole time. He didn't have a room. It's really not best case scenario. My dreams of bringing home baby to a carefully planned nursery were never going to happen. Since we had nearly everything we owned in storage including 90% of our wardrobes we all three were able to share a 10x11 bedroom. Including a dog.
My mom is very, her way or the highway, and I made a lot of sacrifices regarding how I wanted to parent. It's their house, their rules, and that includes everything under the sun. I missed DS crawling the first time because I was cleaning the kitchen for the second time that day.
There are two things you can do. Buckle down, and do everything you can to save, find a job and not make waves. I can promise you, not having a nursery isn't the absolute worst thing in the world. I promise. I hated it, and I feel you on that big time. When LO comes, just try to make the best of it. Your finishing school and saving money. That was the biggest blessing for us, putting aside all if the bad stuff.
The other thing you can do is just find a place that you can afford now. Beans and rice with no cable in the candlelight.
I was not in the position to leave my parents house, there was just no way financially. So I get that. I hate that your in this position. I hate that you feel like shit about it. Big hugs though. I hope your night goes better.
Our nursery will be in our room, your dont have to do it separately, in fact you may be happier to have LO close. Your reasons aren't stupid and as much as we like to prepare, there will always be something. You are a wonderful mother already, simply for worrying about this. A separate room is something LO won't even notice. Continue to save and do the things you can, rather than dwell on a problem that is not for fixing now.
Much love red. Hugs*
Every time we (usually DH) start freaking out about baby stuff, I try to calm it down by thinking/saying we are not the first people in the world to have a baby. People do it every day...,with less money, support, common sense, housing....you name it. And it works out. So it will be fine.
Is the room uninhabitable? Have you asked "so does that mean she's not moving, so no nursery?" What would be the answer to that? If the answer is no nursery, take time to mourn that, and make plans to make your room special for you and the baby. And thing about bigger, better stuff for the room you'll decorate when you get your own place. Perhaps the first room that your first born will remember.
Also, no one is truly, 100% ready for a baby, financially or emotionally. If we all waited until we were completely financially prepared for a child, we'd never have one!
Just focus on loving your LO and finishing school. Once you've gotten into your career you'll be able to provide your baby with all the things you want for him, and he'll be old enough to remember it
11/1- IUI#1,12/1- IUI#2, 1/2- IUI#3 all BFFN
IVF#1. Long Lupron.ER 3/8 10R,4M,5F. ET 3/3-one 1AB, 2 frosties 5dp5dt-BFP!! Beta 3/25-794 Beta 3/27- 1794
First u/s 4/8 saw hb. 4/22 missed mc 8w3d. d&c 4/26
FET #1- bcp start 6/9. ET 7/12. 2 perfect blasts.5dpt-BFP!!
We've waited to have babies because of money, but since it's what we really want (more than a house or money for vacas or anything), we decided to do it now.
Now guess what? There is a very good chance my company is going out of business. She may live in our room until she goes to college. But I know it will all work out.
The room isn't uninhabitable, my mom is just being deliberately difficult about it. My dad noticed I was crabby and told me not to worry about it. I think it just set me off because I've been really down about not having that storybook start to our family I'd always envisioned, and I'm beating myself up because we did it on purpose.
DH came home and was amazing- normally he's a man of few words, but he actually echoed a lot of what you guys said. People have had babies in much worse situations, and at least we love each other and our families are happy and want to support us.
And to all of you thst said he won't remember, you're totally right. I just need to keep telling myself that by the time he's old enough to remember, we'll be in our own place. My parents lived with my grandparents when I was born, haha.
@mcsweets, I apologize, here's your cake
Maybe talk to DH and figure out how to fix the ceiling yourself, maybe Pinterest has some ideas!
All this about the baby not remembering the nursery is very true, sometimes we just have to come down from the clouds I guess!
Stress happens and it usually seems to happen all at once. Everything will work out in the end, it always does
It sounds like you are going to be a fantastic mom...the shitty parents never worry about whether they are shitty parents. I figure that if you're not worried you aren't doing something right.
I'm glad you and your dad talked, hopefully things will work out for you!
Oh, and don't worry about the whole baby thing. Your heart's in the right place - you will be a good parent - when the time comes, you'll do anything to make your life go the direction you want for your LO. You are already a good mom - every day for the last 23 weeks.
Chin up, head high, breathe.
Anyway I got my degree after. Education I have found, was my key to stability and security- and you're in the process of completing school- so u will be fine!
So sorry you were feeling like that though.
You'll be a great mum/mom!!!
I'm in nursing school, and it's been soooo stressful. 4 more weeks this semester. We just got 500 stolen out of our bank account and even though the bank will probably replace it next week, it's added more stress. Were slowly being able to afford things for our baby's room. My husbands car broke down so we've been trying to make it work with one car even though our schedules completely clash.
The list could go on and on.....but you are strong and I am sure you will get through this. Just focus on the good things and take one day at a time.
I have cried multiple times thinking it was my selfish fault for wanting to get pregnant sooner rather than later. Being a full time student whose pregnant and working full time with no idea of what or where you'll actually be when LO gets here is scary. But just like PP have said, it's that love and concern that will make you an amazing mother. Your child will be so lucky to have two parents who love him/her and probably won't remember the nursery. It's a much better situation than you two being in a big house and having a live in nanny raise your child because you're so busy working. Keep your chin up lovely, you're already doing great at this mommy thing
I hope you are feeling better.
Yes hugs are in order! You are in a stressful time and it is understandable to have a loose moment every once in a while! I too am having a difficult time with finances and get a paniced Oh My Gosh what did we do feeling every once in a while. It will all work out- that I know.
My child and yours will have a place to sleep, a safe/warm bed, and most importantly a loving family. Hope you get a plan together but most of all We have time! I too have no nursery now nor will I until a few months AFTER LO's birth. We have to refinish a room in the basement to move my ds down before this LO will have their own room. We plan to have LO in our room for 3months or so, it will work out but the overwhelmed feeling is understandable!
Your baby doesn't "need" or care if they have a nursery.
My mom had me at 15. She had just moved to the US with her parents and didn't speak English, didn't have any friends here, and dropped out of school after a week because the other girls picked fights with her. For the first 2 years of my life my father couldn't get a Visa to come live here and didn't have money to travel back and forth (since he was also only 16!). I know I didn't have a nursery, not because I remember any of this at all, but because I know the apartment she was living in with her parents and older brother wouldn't have had room for one. Did it matter one iota? Not at all. We had a great childhood and I never felt in any way that I was deprived or that anything was not right or whatever. She later went on to marry my dad, have my sister, get her GED and go to college and grad school while raising us, and I feel like we had a better example of how to live a good life from them than a lot of my friends whose parents had financial stability and "stuff" but terrible relationships or home lives. Also, we LOVED being so close to our grandparents and uncle. It's really kind of a cool thing for your child to experience, even if there are going to be fights and annoying things about it.
BFP with #1 (twins!) 11/18/2011 - missed m/c at 8weeks3days; d&c 1/19/2012; myomectomy to remove 18cm+,10cm & 5cm fibroids 4/2012; TTC again 7/2012; BFP #2 (twins) 11/13/2012; missed m/c at 7weeks;
BFP #3: baby girl born 3/5/2014
Balaustine: an anthology about wanting family
Good luck with exams -- you're going to rock those, too