Having little kids - have you and your spouse grown apart?

Re: Having little kids - have you and your spouse grown apart?

• kcisthebombdotcom member

  November 2013

  That hasn't happened to me. I think why is that my dh does his share of childcare and we do weekly date nights. I feel like we're closer than ever before.

  

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• chardonnay24 member

  November 2013

  My kid is really high needs/special needs. He takes a lot out of me and my husband works long hours. We have to make an effort to carve out "us" time. Most days, we don't even really talk, other than dinner if he's home in time. After the kiddo goes to bed, I do chores and he works from home or helps me with chores, and then we go to bed. Rinse and repeat.

  
  

  We started going on regular date nights a few months ago and that has helped. We have a babysitter come once or twice a month so we can go to dinner or a movie, and very occasionally one of our parents will watch him while we go out. We also have some days that we say, "screw the chores, let put the kid in bed, open some wine, start a fire, and just chill".

  
  

  It definitely takes effort on both our parts. I have a tendency to become consumed in my kid and he has a tendency to become consumed with work. Sometimes these things can't be avoided, but we've found that if we set a date, we'll keep it. Even if it's once a month, it helps us reconnect and forget about everything else in life.

  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• kristennd member

  November 2013

  The pattern seems to be that the less actual parenting the father does, the more neglected he feels. Because he doesn't realize exactly what is being done with your time and what it takes. Not to mention he's still thinking of his family/household as being just the two of you instead of really integrating the child(ren) psychologically.

  
  

  We work opposite shifts and thus share the load and like another poster already said, doing that has brought us closer together, despite having less actual time together. Because it's a shared experience and a shared responsibility. 

  
  

  We also each spend a little of that precious free time on things for just ourselves. Which really comes down to something for the mother, because usually the dad is finding opportunities to be out regardless. But the mental recharge it gives is important even for your own relationship, no matter how contradictory that sounds.

  

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• BeanNut member

  November 2013

  I agree with kristennd--try to get your spouse more involved in the day to day childcare.  My DH does 50% (when he is not working) and sharing in the time with our kids and the care for our kids helps us to stay connected as a family.  It also helps that our kids go to bed pretty early so we have a couple of hours together every night before bed (not that we always do something together, but some nights we do).

  
  

  
  

  Peanut 1.23.11 ~ Bean 9.06.12 ~ Little Boy 9.24.14

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• ashiscute member

  November 2013

  I agree with PP.  The more involved the spouse is with the kids the more involved he is with the family as a whole.  Plus, you appreciate the other more because you know how hard you are each working.  My DH and I put the kids down at 830 and by 930 we have agreed no more phones, computers, laundry, etc..  I'm a SAHM so it's easier for me to get my chores done during the day but I still believe that evening time we spend alone is more important than my house being clean.  

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• aglenn member

  November 2013

  I can definitely relate, and the best I can say is that it's a work in progress at our house.
  
  The first step for me has been to focus on me more, because I have been seriously lacking in that area.  So doing small things to make myself feel better and feel more like myself again, from eating better to starting running again to just trying to get back in touch with my inner self.  DH and I will try to do a nice lunch out on a Friday once in a while (taking advantage of the kids being in day care) and we have started having Saturday night "date night," which so far has not even involved leaving the house.  We will just postpone our dinner on Saturday until after the kids are in bed, fix something we actually enjoy eating that is not totally kid-friendly, and open a bottle of wine.  That has been really nice.  Small steps, but they are starting to make a difference.
  

  

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