To invite or not to invite...

Mimaloo · November 2013

Hi ladies. I just started my second trimester so I know this is pretty early to be thinking about a shower BUT my mom is coming from out of state to host. She is coming down next weekend to do brunch at the place where she wants to have it and has asked me to put together a guest list so she can discuss the number of people, packages, prices, etc. with whomever she speaks to after brunch.

My question is, should I send invitations to people who live far away knowing that they're not going to fly here for a baby shower? Common sense tells me not to bother since they're not going to come (which is completely understandable as I wouldn't fly halfway across the country for a shower) and I don't want to seem gift grabby, but DH thinks we should so that they don't feel left out (most are his relatives).

What is the etiquette here? Thanks so much

74dragonfly · November 2013

I'd ask your MIL. In some families people get upset if they are not invited. In others people get offended if they can't travel. For me personally if it is a person I'm close to I want to be invited even if I can't make it.

EastCoastBride · November 2013

My personal opinion - no, don't invite people who realistically can't come. This is a baby shower. NOT the baby. It's on par w/ a birthday party, NOT a wedding.

There are exceptions to this, of course. But by and large, most normal, rational people aren't offended or upset to not be invited to a shower they realistically can't go to. If they want to send a gift- they will. They don't need "permission" to do so.

However, speaking of exceptions, I agree - talk to your MIL. Whats the norm in her family? If people expect an invitation and will be upset not to, then perhaps you need to invite them (but this doesn't mean you have to do the same for your family if it's NOT the norm).

BUT you also have to realize that if invited, they can come! You never know what will inspire people to come.

If you're talking 5 people - it probably doesn't matter either way. But if you're talking 25 and that's a big enough # that IF they did all come, it would put your mom in a bind, then you also have every right to say "our budget doesn't allow for that many people".

Because your mom is generous to offer a shower, it doesn't put the onus on her that she must include "everyone" from both sides if it's out of her budget.

Shobb414 · November 2013

I invited people I knew couldn't make it so that they wouldn't feel like I left them out. Idk "etiquette" but that's what I did

sschwege · November 2013

I would see what your MIL thinks would be best.

In my personal opinion I don't feel comfortable inviting anyone who I know will not attend, but both my mother and MIL wanted their out of town sisters invited. I figured they knew best and they all got invites. I made the decision for my cousins and only invited in town cousins.

Disneygeek77 · November 2013

I didn't invite people to my shower knowing they can't make it. Doing so would have made me really uncomfortable.

I have also been on the other side of being invited to showers for people halfway across the country and if I am going to be completely honest, yep I thought it was gift grabby.

divinemsbee · November 2013

I'm with PP that you should ask your MIL if there's anyone super-special that you need to invite even if they won't come (I'm thinking maybe a grandmother or close aunt). Other than that, I wouldn't. There are very few people I want a baby shower invitation from that I don't live near. To me, this isn't an invite every single female relative on both sides plus friends kind of thing, especially when it's not just a little bit out of town, but is out of state. If those people want to buy you a gift from the registry, or of any sort, they can get your info from your MIL, they don't need a shower invitation.

I think people, not OP, but some people, have started equating baby showers with weddings in terms of invitation lists and how big they have to be. Which kind of sucks for everyone because then throwing one becomes such an ordeal, when it's really just drinking some punch and eating some finger food while opening presents.

Mimaloo · November 2013

Thanks everyone for your input. Luckily I don't have to worry about a max number of people - my mom is super excited and has chosen a really nice venue. I'm only including family and close friends so the guest list won't be out of hand - 30-40 max which my mom is totally fine with.

The majority of the people I'm thinking of are on DH's dad's side of the family so MIL won't be much of a help - they were divorced and his dad died ten years ago.

DH is going to ask another aunt what she thinks and we will go from there. Why I didn't think of talking to her earlier is beyond me.

And honestly I never would have even thought of someone feeling left out because they weren't invited but since DH brought it up, I figured I'd throw it out there. I also remembered throwing my BFF's wedding shower and she had invites going all the way out to Colorado from Rhode Island for the same reason. To each their own I guess.

Thanks again for your input

Disneygeek77 · November 2013

This is your husband's dad's family ?

Eeeeee, yeah I don't know. Unless he is really, really close to them, I wouldn't invite them.

Again, it was my husband's family that invited me to their showers ( one person I never met or talked to) and yeah I thought it was weird and gift grabby.

EastCoastBride · November 2013

Honestly, unless you all are in some kind of regular contact with this side of the family, I wouldn't invite them. Stop asking around. Just let it go. Remember- it's a shower, not a wedding.

shaunessa · November 2013

My girlfriend lives 7 hrs away. Realistically, I know she won't come but I plan to invite her anyway. Its the thought that counts. Plus, she's been a really close friends for a few years now. There are relatives who I hardly talk to....maybe see once a year. They won't be getting an invite. It just depends on how close you are with whomever you're inviting.

shaunessa · November 2013

MandJS said: shaunessa said: My girlfriend lives 7 hrs away. Realistically, I know she won't come but I plan to invite her anyway. Its the thought that counts. Plus, she's been a really close friends for a few years now. There are relatives who I hardly talk to....maybe see once a year. They won't be getting an invite. It just depends on how close you are with whomever you're inviting. It's a shower, not a wedding or even a birthday party. I don't get how this is a "it's the thought that counts" situation. You THOUGHT enough about her to invite her to buy you a gift? With friends like these...

The thought that counts, is the fact that she's a close friend. Who knows...maybe there's a chance she'll show up. I know she would be bummed if she didn't get an invite. Last year for my 30th, I sent out invitations to friends who I knew probably wouldn't be able to make it. And guess what smartass, they showed up. Yes, they drove 2hrs to celebrate my milestone 30th bday. So perhaps my close friend will fly in (not only to visit her mom in town) but attend the shower. YOU NEVER KNOW! And its not to invite her to buy me a gift, but to include her in the festivities. I could care less if I got a gift. I'm sorry you don't have close girlfriends whom you love and want to share your life's milestones with. I've known this girl for almost 10 years!

shaunessa · November 2013

MandJS said:

shaunessa said:

MandJS said:

shaunessa said:

My girlfriend lives 7 hrs away. Realistically, I know she won't come but I plan to invite her anyway. Its the thought that counts. Plus, she's been a really close friends for a few years now. There are relatives who I hardly talk to....maybe see once a year. They won't be getting an invite. It just depends on how close you are with whomever you're inviting.

It's a shower, not a wedding or even a birthday party. I don't get how this is a "it's the thought that counts" situation. You THOUGHT enough about her to invite her to buy you a gift? With friends like these...

The thought that counts, is the fact that she's a close friend. Who knows...maybe there's a chance she'll show up. I know she would be bummed if she didn't get an invite. Last year for my 30th, I sent out invitations to friends who I knew probably wouldn't be able to make it. And guess what smartass, they showed up. Yes, they drove 2hrs to celebrate my milestone 30th bday. So perhaps my close friend will fly in (not only to visit her mom in town) but attend the shower. YOU NEVER KNOW!

But that's a different issue. The OP is stating that she knows they WON'T come. Plus, maybe your friends feel guilted into coming because you sent them the invite. I would at least talk to my close friends like that BEFORE invitations get sent. Make sure they know that I'd love to have them, but understand that it costs a lot, it's a shlep, etc. The point of etiquette is to ensure ALL your guests feel comfortable. Not just the ones you're less close to.

LOL!!!! That's pretty hilarious! Thanks for that!

Unknown · November 2013

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RebeccaY1 · November 2013

My shower is in just a couple of weeks. I have a similar situation, but I'll be the one travelling 500 miles for the shower. It's early (21 weeks), but it's the only time that works. I decided to invite people that won't be able to come. It has nothing to do with expecting presents. I just thought it was rude to invite some aunts, but not others. They are also the type of family that periodically come for visits so they might be able to come after all. I want everyone to feel included.

bossyfnp · November 2013

Half the people on my list are from oot, most wont be able to make it, but i sent it to them. Because i would want them to be there.

cakergirl · November 2013

Isn't this what birth announcements are for? Ie when the baby is born you send out a little card with a newborn photo.. Seems more appropriate to me to only invite the appropriate people to the shower then send out a birth announcement after baby is born so all the out of towers feel included. I realize some people are now sending out "expecting announcement" (ie post card with pregnancy pics) which is also an idea, but I think this isn't nearly as special as sending out a newborn announcement.

lollipoppoop · November 2013

I sent shower invites to out of town guests. My shower is the weekend of thanksgiving (Dec 1) so there is a possibility some would be in town. I think a birth announcement would be a good idea to send to people you know won't come. I still sent DHs grandmother and mom shower invites even though I know they won't come. I know DHs grandmother will get a kick out of the invite and she loves getting mail lol

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