Are you a nice DIL?

SunAndRain · November 2013

I'm not. I know it and while I DO care I am so tired that I just don't have anymore energy to make any more of an effort. And I guess I feel like if you want to come over and lend a hand, even if it is just to play with DD, that is great. But if your presence adds work to my plate then I'm not going to pretend to be happy about it.

I do try to pick my battles but... I find MIL to be intrusive and high maintance. And frankly I think she can be manipulative. I hate that she comes in to our home and tells me how I can decorate. She brings us items and tells me where I can display them. Um...thanks. I hate that she insists of spoon feeding my 15 month old who is perfectly capable of working her own spoon because MIL "didn't get to do this when she was a baby". Why can't she celebrate and encourage DD's independance? I am not mean or nasty but I'm not overly sweet either. In the past I went out of my way to make sure she was comfortable and it was physically and mentally draining. Now, I don't make much more effort, and if she is getting in my way I literally move her over so that I can get done what I need to get done.

MIL has been on me for two years about her gift idea that she wants me to get for DH: rent an old car for a day to the tune of $400. Now I'll spend that much on a gift for DH, but this gift doesn't interest me one bit. Especially as it is sort of a thorn in my side because DH wants to buy one to restore it. And frankly I'd prefer that he fine a hobby that is more active. Incase MIL hasn't noticed, DH has put on 30+ pounds, is clearly overweight, and personally I would prefer that he be healthy and stick around for a while! So, while I won't stand in his way, I'm not going to encourage a hobby that is relatively sedentary. For the umpteenth time she brought it up and I finally just said, "He might like it! YOU should go for it!" I think that finally shut her up.

Before DD, getting along with my inlaws was a highest priority of mine. Now that DD is here, I'm still working full time, I am trying to stay active...I'm just over it!

Karla CS · November 2013

I can count on one hand the number of women I know who get on fabulously with their in-laws. And still have at least a couple of fingers left over.

EastCoastBride · November 2013

I try to be nice, but my ILs just frustrate me SO much. They aren't overbearing, and I do know they mean well, but the simplistic version is that they both retired about 10 + years ago and ever since - they've gotten into SUCH a self-centered place and they can't see past themselves. Add in health issues w/ MIL and depression - it's jsut really hard to spend a lot of time w/ them.

thedash · November 2013

To be perfectly honest I make a point of maintaining some distance with my IL's. They both have the same tendencies that your MIL has and I find that the best way to handle it is to limit the time they spend in my home and control the situations where they interact with our kids. This way our interactions are much more pleasant when they do happen.

That being said - they have shown up unannounced at our house two times in the past two weeks and I am freaking out about how to put a stop to that!

thedash · November 2013

EastCoastBride said:
I try to be nice, but my ILs just frustrate me SO much. They aren't overbearing, and I do know they mean well, but the simplistic version is that they both retired about 10 + years ago and ever since - they've gotten into SUCH a self-centered place and they can't see past themselves. Add in health issues w/ MIL and depression - it's jsut really hard to spend a lot of time w/ them.

Wow this sounds like my parents almost exactly.

itsmevkb · November 2013

My mother got along so well with my grandmother that I sometimes wish I could have that with my MIL, but I doubt it will ever happen. I've found it easier to just not fight most things. Your MIL tells you how to decorate? My MIL actually completely redecorated one of my bathrooms during one of her visits. It's not the bathroom I use so I internally rolled my eyes and moved on. Every visit she buys the kids sweatshirts because she doesn't think I dress them warmly enough. Again, eyeroll but whatever, they get new sweatshirts.

What I've found helpful, is when dealing with my in-laws is trying to separate out my natural instinct to say no to almost every request they have (can we take the kids for three weeks this summer?), step back from it, give myself some time and discuss it with my husband before giving them an answer. In the end, I want my kids to have a wonderful relationship with their grandparents and I don't want my relationship with them to change that. So, maybe they can't take them for three consecutive weeks but they can take them for one week each month, or for two weeks, or something else that I feel will give them a fair amount of time without completely driving me out of my mind. Ha! So, in that way, yes, I believe I am a nice DIL because I know many, many women who just go with that first gut instinct of saying no all the time and creating a very adversial relationship with their MIL, sometimes to the detriment of their children.

jlaOK · November 2013

I get along okay with my MIL but it is definitely strained at times. She seems bent on spoiling DS in the most annoying ways - brings him a toy EVERY SINGLE TIME she sees him, purposely feeds him things that DH and I don't want him to have, etc. Luckily DH is good about talking to her when she gets out of line that way I can just sit back and act like I have nothing to do with it....while gritting my teeth.

aeh72 · November 2013

I try to be because, all things considered, I have a pretty good MIL. That said, I do tend to limit interactions. DH's family has a lot of drama and conflict going on, it seems, all the time. DH is not involved - he's always the reluctant middle man and, by default, so I am. I like MIL (and she is wonderful with DS) but whenever we're around her, she usually launches into some sort of drama going on and tells stories as if they are fact when, in reality, is usually just speculation. I tell DH that I'm terrified to even nod my head in agreement to anything she says, let alone, offer any opinion because I know it will later get reportd that DIL "agreed with me" and I'll get pulled into the bullsh*t. DH - because he's a guy or because of his personality - just practices avoidance whenever possible, which leaves me the one sitting there listening to all the drama. It gets tiresome.

I'm really close with my family and always have been (even pre-child) and I used to feel guilty about wanting to make sure the grandparents all got equal time with DS but I've recently decided that I'm going to continue seeing my parents as often as I always have and would like to see them, and while I will definitely make effort to see MIL and for her to spend time with DS, but it will never be equal and that's not going to be my problem.

financialdiva · November 2013

My MIL was nice, but was high maintance and opinionated. We did get along great, but I had to try hard. When DS1 was born, I stopped trying bc I was so overwhelmed with being a new mom and things definitely fell apart between us. We mainly butted heads bc she wanted to watch DS1 (couldn't for health reasons) and would want us to come over more often then we did, even though she was more then welcome to visit us, she wanted us to come to here.

She passed 2 years ago, and I feel so guilty all.the.time for not trying hard. I feel like I was mean to her, and prevented her from seeing her grandson.

My SIL and I have a great relationship though. FIL and Step MIL live across the county. We talk a lot over email/Facebook and when they visit once a year, I am pretty awesome, lol, bc well, it's short term!

bumpuser511563 · November 2013

Right now, no, according to my MIL.

But it has been long overdue that DH does not stand up for me to MIL for the past 4 years. He would bow out of decisions giving MIL the power to make big decisions over DS.

DH got to see the nasty work she did insulting me by saying I don't love my DS because I don't cut his hair and claimed she would call cps on me. She is not allowed to come over and DH can't talk to her until he stands up for his family (himself, DS and I). DH is in trouble for this situation that has occurred but I got fed up with it.

No one has the right to come to my home and say I don't love my DS and say DH and I are bad parents. We can't take that negativity especially when we have a special needs child.

emberlee3 · November 2013

I try to be nice, and I definitely want ILs to have a relationship with the kids. Fortunately for me, they live far away, they only visit a few times per year, and they started staying in a hotel when our guest room became DD's room. They are nuts, but I don't have to deal with them much. And I think DH has pretty healthy boundaries with them. I know I could have it a lot worse when it comes to ILs.

Nechie122 · November 2013

My ILs are awesome. I don't have a bad word to say about them.

Sometimes reading some of the posts on The Bump I'm acutely grateful that I have a daughter and not a son. It would seriously kill me to be treated with the pettiness and judgment that some of the women here dole out to their ILs for seemingly no good reason other than their ILs don't do things "their" way. It's like they feel threatened that their kid might actually have a positive relationship with their grandparents.

Pips09 · November 2013

I think I am, but I feel like I hit the jackpot in the MIL department, and we have a good relationship, so that makes it easy. I actually have more issues with my own mom, than my MIL.

82Sonia · November 2013

I can complain about my in-laws but I could complain about my own parents too. My in-laws irritate me more than my parents because I can't be frank with them the way I would be with my parents. That said, I think I've got it pretty good.

My MIL is super sensitive to everything so I just have to handle her differently. But I don't put up with her interfering and my husband is very quick to step in and shut her down. For example, if DD cries because she wants me and my MIL doesn't want to give her up, she'll tell me that DD is spoiled and I can't just come running everytime she cries (she's been saying this since about 3 months btw). I just take DD away and say that babies can't be spoiled. DH also tells her she's crazy when she says stupid stuff like that. I try to be a nice DIL. I'd rather we all get along. Plus, I save all my hatred for my idiot BIL

L-)

Samiantha101 · November 2013

Unfortunately, my H's father passed before we got together, and he hasn't talked to his mom in 24 years. I've never had the (dis)pleasure of having to deal with the ILs, however I get along with my H's family ok. We don't see much of any of them often, so it's just not really part of our lives.

My husband gets along fine with my parents. My dad is rather disinterested, so that makes it a whole lot easier to get on with him. My mom is a bit frustrating, but she has good intentions, and my H thinks she's a nice person.

litzo27 · November 2013

I'm a pretty awesome DIL if I do say so myself

But largely because my MIL is also fantastic. We have actually done plenty of stuff just the two of us such as going to the theater or shopping. It has become a bit more complicated since the kids were born. For a while I would bristle at any suggestion she would make, especially since a lot of them were very outdated. But we found our happy medium. She will ask and suggest but never criticize and I learned to actually listen better but also just disregard anything that doesn't make sense to me. Does she do some things that annoy me (like spoon-feeding the kids)? Sure but I just chalk it up to "Grandma" quirks. I think the key in our relationship is communication. We respect and like each other and are able to talk out any issues that do come up.

FemShep · November 2013

My ILs are amazing. Sometimes my MIL does something that annoys me, and I'm sure she'd say the same about me. (Nothing to compare with some of the stories here though!) But in the end, I know she adores her grandchildren and would do anything for us.

She's talked about seeing how happy I make DH, and that means a tremendous amount to me, especially because she wasn't a fan of our relationship (she loved DH's exGF) at first. She treats DD1, from my previous marriage, as well as she treats DD2. She and FIL are always happy to visit to help watch the girls on school breaks. She was a huge help when we had some financial difficulties. And she would do absolutely anything to help our family.

Yes, I might occasionally bite my tongue. But I remind myself constantly how wonderful MIL and FIL have been to us, and that makes the minor issues well worth it.

traveltheworld · November 2013

I think I'm somewhere in the middle. My ILs are nice to us, respect our wishes, and never openly critize our life choices or parenting skills. So there really isn't anything to complain about. But on the other hand, they are very different from me - totally different value systems, different take on life, etc. And although they never openly critize me, I feel like they are silently judging me (probably just my paranoia).

So I am very polite and respectful. We see them once a week and we carry on a very polite but superficial conversation. I see some of my friends who would call up their MILs or do things with their MILs and I'd never do that.

ccam · November 2013

I try. Maybe not too hard, but I try to be a nice DIL. Sometimes I just can't hide it though! DH and I were raised in completely different worlds. My IL's are very old school and there is no changing them, which I guess is understandable. But it will not be the way we raise our children and, thankfully, it's no longer the way DH is. DH also works with his father and they've never had a father/son relationship, it's always been work. So after hearing all these work stories and the fact that my FIL treats him like he's still 15 years old, it's kind of hard to hide the feelings I have for him.

litzo27 · November 2013

FemShep said:

She treats DD1, from my previous marriage, as well as she treats DD2.

@FemShep - this is off-topic but this is so amazing and so awesome to hear! I was raised by my stepfather who treated me like his own from day 1 and his mother, my grandmother, was also the greatest grandma to me imaginable. I didn't appreciate how important that is, or that not everyone is capable of that until much later. Kudos to your MIL.

FemShep · November 2013

litzo27 said:

FemShep said:

She treats DD1, from my previous marriage, as well as she treats DD2.

@FemShep - this is off-topic but this is so amazing and so awesome to hear! I was raised by my stepfather who treated me like his own from day 1 and his mother, my grandmother, was also the greatest grandma to me imaginable. I didn't appreciate how important that is, or that not everyone is capable of that until much later. Kudos to your MIL.

YES! My mom also remarried. My stepdad is the best father I could imagine, but his parents (strict catholics who didn't believe in divorce) always made me feel like I wasn't a "real" grandkid. I will put up with many minor annoyances and quirks because I'm so very, very grateful for how awesome DH and his parents are with DD1.

And kudos to stepdad and grandma as well!

emberlee3 · November 2013

Nechie122 said:
My ILs are awesome. I don't have a bad word to say about them.

Sometimes reading some of the posts on The Bump I'm acutely grateful that I have a daughter and not a son. It would seriously kill me to be treated with the pettiness and judgment that some of the women here dole out to their ILs for seemingly no good reason other than their ILs don't do things "their" way. It's like they feel threatened that their kid might actually have a positive relationship with their grandparents.

But some MILs are actually evil. My mom's MIL deliberately called her by the wrong name for years because she didn't approve of my dad marrying her.

daisy662 · November 2013

I always really wanted in laws that I would be close to.family is very important to me and mine is very small. Unfortunately, I do not have a good in law situation. I do not agree with their morals, ethics, or values. It is very hard for me to relate to them at all. Fortunately my Fil is never around - family is not important to him. If I had to deal with him more than once per year i would find it hard to keep my mouth shut. My mil comes around about once per month and I think she would say I'm a good dil. I just try to keep my distance from her and keep our relationship very cordial and at arms length.

Nechie122 · November 2013

emberlee3 said:

Nechie122 said:
My ILs are awesome. I don't have a bad word to say about them.

Sometimes reading some of the posts on The Bump I'm acutely grateful that I have a daughter and not a son. It would seriously kill me to be treated with the pettiness and judgment that some of the women here dole out to their ILs for seemingly no good reason other than their ILs don't do things "their" way. It's like they feel threatened that their kid might actually have a positive relationship with their grandparents.
But some MILs are actually evil. My mom's MIL deliberately called her by the wrong name for years because she didn't approve of my dad marrying her.

Yes, I understand that it works both ways. But some people should step back and listen to themselves. Your complaint is that your MIL enjoys spoon feeding your kid? Or that she buys too many toys? Or lets the kids have junk food? Do people really think that's going to undo all their hard work? Let the grandparents be grandparents. When you're a grandparent do you think you're going to do everything exactly as your DIL does it?

Mustardseed2007 · November 2013

I do not go out of my way to get her to like me. I'm not rude to her, but I definitely say no to her whenever what she's asking for is an inconvenience. She lives out of state and Still gets on a plane and comes into town without telling anyone until she arrives at the airport.

If u do that kind of stupid stuff, you may not get to see us during your visit. Cause I'm not canceling anything else we had planned or flakig out of any obligations we have to accommodate that kind of rediculousness. So f'n rude.

itsmevkb · November 2013

Nechie122 said:

My ILs are awesome. I don't have a bad word to say about them. Sometimes reading some of the posts on The Bump I'm acutely grateful that I have a daughter and not a son. It would seriously kill me to be treated with the pettiness and judgment that some of the women here dole out to their ILs for seemingly no good reason other than their ILs don't do things "their" way. It's like they feel threatened that their kid might actually have a positive relationship with their grandparents.
But some MILs are actually evil. My mom's MIL deliberately called her by the wrong name for years because she didn't approve of my dad marrying her.
Yes, I understand that it works both ways. But some people should step back and listen to themselves. Your complaint is that your MIL enjoys spoon feeding your kid? Or that she buys too many toys? Or lets the kids have junk food? Do people really think that's going to undo all their hard work? Let the grandparents be grandparents. When you're a grandparent do you think you're going to do everything exactly as your DIL does it?

I agree with this. The saying in our house is that grandparents are for spoiling. My mom certainly never asked me what I wanted for dinner and then let me eat dessert after not having any vegetables but she sure let's my kids do that and you know what, it's fine. It's not something we do at home, but if she or my MIL spoil them every so often it's not going to completely alter how we're raising them.

chiboo9 · November 2013

Pips09 said:

I think I am, but I feel like I hit the jackpot in the MIL department, and we have a good relationship, so that makes it easy. I actually have more issues with my own mom, than my MIL.

This. MIL is a peach. Super duper nice, always regarding my thoughts and feelings about stuff she wants to do or buy for LO. She raised DH well. SFIL is great too, although he makes a few off comments that rub me the wrong way once in a great while. I try to be an awesome DIL, and I really do think they love me like their own daughter. Or that might be a stretch, ha. Our door is always open for them to visit LO. They only live 5 minutes away and only visit 1x a week, in hopes of not abusing that open door privilege.

My own mother, on the other hand, I have to rein in. She used to just drop by unannounced all the time. When she watches LO, she doesn't follow the schedule I give her. Gah.

rubber_chicken · November 2013

I have a strained relationship with my inlaws. MIL and I weren't speaking to each other for a few years, until I got pregnant and she came sniffing around again. I am polite and keep my mouth shut when she says things like, "the baby doesn't really have food allergies" and "the baby doesn't know you because you work" and "you look better now that you're not so fat". I do that for DH - because she never says these things in his presence, and because I know how badly it stresses him out to be in the middle.

I have no interest in maintaining a relationship between DD and MIL. ILs are welcome to visit DD at our house, but we do not go to their place (lead paint + DH's alcoholic brother), or use them for babysitting or let them spend time with her unsupervised. I know MIL is disappointed about that but I don't care. MIL has incredibly warped and misogynistic views about "a woman's place" -- she pulled her granddaughter out of sports when the poor girl got her period. (granddaughter is the daughter of DH's alcoholic brother.)

Maybe if MIL was some wonderful, warm, sane person, I would want them to have a strong relationship. But I don't feel I need to expose DD to MIL's batshit craziness just so we can pretend our family is something it's not.

emberlee3 · November 2013

rubber_chicken said:
I have a strained relationship with my inlaws. MIL and I weren't speaking to each other for a few years, until I got pregnant and she came sniffing around again. I am polite and keep my mouth shut when she says things like, "the baby doesn't really have food allergies" and "the baby doesn't know you because you work" and "you look better now that you're not so fat". I do that for DH - because she never says these things in his presence, and because I know how badly it stresses him out to be in the middle.

I have no interest in maintaining a relationship between DD and MIL. ILs are welcome to visit DD at our house, but we do not go to their place (lead paint + DH's alcoholic brother), or use them for babysitting or let them spend time with her unsupervised. I know MIL is disappointed about that but I don't care. MIL has incredibly warped and misogynistic views about "a woman's place" -- she pulled her granddaughter out of sports when the poor girl got her period. (granddaughter is the daughter of DH's alcoholic brother.)

Maybe if MIL was some wonderful, warm, sane person, I would want them to have a strong relationship. But I don't feel I need to expose DD to MIL's batshit craziness just so we can pretend our family is something it's not.

Exactly my point. Sounds like you got an evil one.

mae0111 · November 2013

My only complaint about my ILs is that they really tend to keep their distance. I have 2 SILs (DH is one of 3 boys), and they've both been in/around the family for a good decade longer than me. SIL#1 is "practically perfect in every way". We get along, but don't really hang out, and my IL's love her to pieces. They're very close with those grand kids.

SIL#2 is an absolute crazy witch. She's said horrible things to and about my MIL. I believe that this has made her so paranoid around me that she's kind of standoff-ish around our kids. It makes me sad. My parents are get-on-the-floor-and-play grandparents. My ILs are the exact opposite of that. So it's sad to see that my kids prefer my parents when they're both around, especially since the ILs live so far away.

Karla CS · November 2013

My in-laws are not well socialized. Their social circle consists of their kids and one family friend. And none of them live particularly close. We're actually the closest at an hour and a half away. When we do see them, which tends to be at least once a month, they spend most of the time explaining what they've eaten in the past few weeks and where (which is actually the preferred conversation, if I'm given the choice), making completely bigoted and racist judgments, or complaining about how they pity the lifestyles of SIL or their friend. I don't find anything that these people do worthy of pity, and I seriously wonder what they have to say about us when we're not around.

I end my time with them feeling negative and bitter. I've tried my best to change the subject or tactfully say that I don't want to engage in gossip, and when that's failed in the past, I've simply left the room, but there's really no way to win.

I do feel bad because I'd like DD to have a good relationship with them, but at the end of the day, we end up pushing out visits with them because neither one of us is mentally prepared to deal with them more frequently.

AmberDerek · November 2013

I think I am a good DIL. Not perfect, but nice most of the time. My MIL is nice to me and she always means well. Now that I have a son I will likely be a MIL some day and I hope to have a good relationship with his SO. I always keep that in my when I get irritated over something small that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

kristennd · November 2013

I have no issues with my MIL. It possibly helps that I was in my mid-30s before I even met DH, so we've always operated at a peer level. And they're 1,500 miles away. But we get along just fine.

If anything, I wish she'd relax a little. She's always kind of on eggshells about not antagonizing us with advice etc, but that's her personality with everyone.

dglvrk2 · November 2013

Pips09 said:

I think I am, but I feel like I hit the jackpot in the MIL department, and we have a good relationship, so that makes it easy. I actually have more issues with my own mom, than my MIL.

This. DH's parents are great. I couldn't ask for more. (ok....they could have a cleaner bathroom, but that's being really picky since I'm at their home two or three times a year)

They are really helpful, but know their boundaries. They give me honest advice WHEN I ask and don't say anything unless I'm clearly in need of help. They give DD lots of attention, but they don't indulge her every request.

My own mom....I love her, of course, but she has a lot going on......

Both DH and my parents live in other states. We both agree that the distance is good. We really appreciate when we're with them, but are happy to have our own lives. I'd move to his hometown in a heart beat, and he would move to mine. However, neither of us want to be so close to our own parents. Funny.....

Netty_3 · November 2013

I try really hard because anything I say or do or is thought to be said or done will be held against me by MIL and SIL for the rest of my life.

Ago · November 2013

I try with my FIL and Step MIL, but don't bend over backwards. I always try to find the good in people, so I'm appreciative that my Step MIL took my husband in and dealt with him when he was a hyperactive 12 years old and later when his mom cut off all contact with him. My FIL is a lot better since he quit drinking. My Step MIL is such a nag toward my FIL as well and in general is just a loud talker. I've gotten used to the fact that I'm going to hear her nag and yell at him everytime we all get together. They have helped us a lot when it comes to their line of work (realtors), and I'm appreciative, but aren't a great emotional support and kind of washed their hands of DH when he turned 18. I'm kind of seen as the woman who set DH straight, which is fine, but he pretty much set himself straight. DH's extended family is pretty awesome, we enjoy spending time with MOST of them.

sugarbear0524 · November 2013

I know my ILs would say that I'm a good DIL. They live down the street from me. They can big a bit intrusive but I've learned that they just have a super close knit, very casual family. For example, they want us to just walk in without waiting for them to come to the door, but I think I've taught them (in a nice way, hopefully) that I prefer them to knock/ring the bell and wait when they stop by. They spoil DS horribly but I'm trying to let them be grandparents without making him rotten. Since they see him practically every day, I've had to let them know that they don't need to give him a new toy, candy, etc. every single time they see him. MIL gives him crappy food sometimes, but I've learned that she raised DH that way. I've been working on her giving him healthier choices. She knows I'm very careful with DS's food. It's a little bit of walking on eggshells with MIL but I think we get along great. And she raised an awesome man (my DH)!

Carnation77 · November 2013

My MIL is overbearing but she means well and is a good person so I just go with it and when she's being crazy I just ignore her.

laurakaz13 · November 2013

I think I am a good DIL, but I am certainly no pushover. I can only take so much of my in-laws. they are sweet people, but from a different era and believe I should be barefoot and pregnant, cooking meals for DH and holding a martini at 6 p.m. when he comes home.

They don't understand my love of my career and the fact that I want to work and be successful instead of stay home with my child. We'll never completely get each other, but they do love me so I can deal with 3-4x a year visits.

I do allow both sets of grandparents to spoil DD a bit though. I think it's great and think it is what grandparents are for. We live far away from both sets so this isn't an issue we deal with all the time.

OP- I do think your complaints are petty though. Spoon feeding, buying toys? Really???

emberlee3 · November 2013

Goodness, I have a lot to say on this topic! I forgot to mention that I am seen as the "good" DIL, in comparison to BIL's wife. I do not relish being given this label. BIL and his wife had started dating about 10 years before DH and I met, so I don't know all the gory details. To say their relationship with ILs is strained is an understatement. Plus, ILs are estranged from numerous other family members. It makes me feel really awkward to be the good DIL. But they love my kids, so I have no real beef with them.

Meery82 · November 2013

I am a very good DIL. But my MIL makes it easy; she is the best EVER.

Want a personalized experience?

Are you a nice DIL?

Re: Are you a nice DIL?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards