Working Moms

How do you deal with behavior issues at DC?

financialdivafinancialdiva member
edited October 2013 in Working Moms

I feel so helpless and frusterated.

DS1, who is a little over 3.5 years old, moved rooms about 2 months ago. For the past two weeks, he has been sent home with "yellow and red" faces. (green is good, yellow is mis behaving, but still listening, red is not listening, very bad behavior). He's been hitting and pushing. Usually, his behavior is provoked. Someone took his toy, pushed him, etc. Not acceptable to push back, but understandable, right? Well, the last two days, the teachers said he was pushing and hitting for no good reason. No one provoked him, he just randomly went up to some other child and hit him/her. When they spoke to DS1, he wouldn't apologized (which he usually does right away) and would walk away from the teachers (which he never does either).

This behavior is so not like him. What's his deal? How do I fix this? I took away TV privilegeslast night (which suuuuucked more for me btw, lol) and every time he asked to watch TV, I told him no and why he wasn't able to watch TV. We repeated over and over again that we do not hit, push, or bite (he isn't biting, but it doesn't hurt to remind him) and that if someone hits him, he is to go get a teacher and not to hit back.

He doesn't act like this at home, so it's hard to correct his behavior, but obviously I would if he did. Also, when I ask him why he hit his friend, he tells me he didn't hit anyone, or that so and so pushed him. So obviously the teachers talking to him isn't hitting home because he doesn't "remember" or flat out lying to me. I'm more inclined to believe he's lying, which I know he does, and we have been dealing with that issue as well.

What can I do? Is it too late to punish him when he gets home? He is old enough to associate last nights punishment with yesterdays behavior right? Should I suggest shadowing him? This really random behavior is just the past two days, so should I give it more time?

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Re: How do you deal with behavior issues at DC?

  • These are excellent questions @privacywanted. I am going to schedule a conference with DS1's teachers to discuss. Of course, they aren't there when I pick up or when DH drops off, which is very frustrating.

    I know they put him at the "thinking table" and talk to him about not hitting, pushing, etc. That's what I've been told.

    I think the last teacher used to put them in time out. Never had this problem with her. But I am not sure what the right answer is.

    I thought the punishment always had to be close to the event too, but at what age does that stop?
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  • I definitely think that scheduling a meeting with the teacher is a good idea.  You'll be able to find out exactly what they do to correct the behavior and might be able to give some ideas based on your DS's personality.

    I tend to think that the punishment doesn't always have to be close to the event.  DS is almost 3.5 and he definitely remembers when he does something right and wrong and will talk about it later.  I'd try and set up some sort of reward/loss of privilege system at home depending on if he has a green, yellow, or red card.  We are about to start a rock jar at home to help correct some of DS's behavior problems and encourage good behavior.  Maybe something like that could work for you guys.

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  • What is a rock jar @jlaok ?

    Maybe I need to bring back the sticker chart.
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  • Have you chatted with other parents about how many yellow or red faces their children get on average? It could be normal for the room and isn't your child specifically.
  • That's another great question @preggersin2012

    Keep the questions coming ladies!
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  • He does get green faces sometimes. I think Yellow faces mean he probably hit someone, and it was bc the child took his toy, but said he was sorry.

    Red face is when he hits out of the blue and doesn't apologize?

    Another good question. Honestly, I have been disregarding the yellow faces bc I feel like, ok, NBD, he reacted, they corrected him, he responded. But now that he is hitting without reason, now I am concerned.

    We don't hit at home. We tried this form of punishment very briefly a while ago, but it didn't work so we stopped. So he is definitely picking it up from school. He does still nap, and the time it happens vary. Yesterday's incidents were both in the morning.
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  • DD is 3 1/2 and had a few horrible mornings going to daycare recently.  The one day she didn't get ice cream at the park because of her behavior that morning.  Later that night she told DH he wasn't going to get ice cream because he was eating her snack and she didn't like it, so clearly she got it.  I also told her she'd get a smily face on the calendar if she had a good morning.  Ever since then she's been a little whiny, but nothing like what she was doing.  She even told me how she was telling a kid at school that she was getting a sticker chart.  I wasn't sure if it would work since it hasn't in the past, but it seems like shes at a point where she gets it.
  • At 3.5 years here is what I did. I would directly talk to the teacher after school each day. If DS1 did something bad, I would have him look the teacher in the eye, repeat what he did and apologize. I then emphasized at home the respect that he's to give to teachers. Secondly, I "talked" with DS1 about why he was hitting. He'd say that so and so took a toy so he hit or pushed. I'd then say, Well, how can you handle it differently so you don't get in trouble? What's the right thing to do? What's the wrong thing to do? Sometimes, talking to them helps more than just a reaction by punishment.

    You can for sure punish that late in the day for a 3.5 year old. You have to know where to get them where it hurts like tv or a particular toy. Then, on the days he gets the best color is when you celebrate. We do a celebratory dance, I gave DS1 high fives, we got to call the grandparents and daddy to tell them. Made a big deal out of it.

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  • That sounds miserable! DS's teachers don't make the kids say "I'm sorry," because frankly they usually are not sorry. They have to ask if the other child is ok and then they get a time out or whatever is most appropriate for the situation (provoked, accidental, etc).

    I would take a different tack at home and focus on positive attention. Give him as much control as possible over daily activities. Make him feel powerful and important to you and the family as a whole. I would not even discuss his school behavior with him, but have a meeting with the teacher to be sure you're on the same page as her with discipline.

    I generally avoid doling out discipline that causes me more suffering than it does my child (such as taking away TV ha ha).

    Let us know how things are going.
    DS born 8/8/09 and DD born 6/12/12.
  • Another great point about positive reinforcement! This goes such a long way with DS1.

    I scheduled a meeting with the teachers for Friday morning to talk to them and make sure we are all on the same page.

    I am so glad I posted this. I am so emotional about it, I can't think straight! You ladies are offering amazing advice! Thank you!
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  • At 3.5 my daughter had a really hard time with listening and following directions. Punishing her (basically sitting in time out) wasn't working, so we decided to try rewarding good behavior instead just punishing her for bad behavior. At school, after she had 5 good days she got to pick a small toy, and at home she got to have a popcicle if she had a good day. It did make a difference. We did that for about a month and then she moved up a class. She hasn't really had any problems in the new class. I think there were some class dynamics that also weren't working for her.
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  • aside from having him think, what are the teachers doing?  What else is going on when he exhibits this behavior, is it when he's hungry, is it after he sees his old teacher in the hall way, is it when he's playing with a certain bunch of kids, is it right before nap time, is it during an activity he doesn't like......

    There's obviously something else going on, especially since you're not seeing this behavior at home, and the teachers need to work with you to figure out what it is.

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  • We've gone through this as well.  It'll will peak and then subside.  We didn't feel punishing hours later was doing any good at all so we switched to a positive reinforcement idea.  We told him that if he got a good report every day, he'd get a sticker and that for every x number of stickers, he'd get *insert ice cream, a trip to the zoo, whatever it may be*.  We told his teachers our plan as well so during the day they were able to remind him "Aiden, you're doing great!  Keep it up so mommy can give you a sticker later!  You must be getting close to getting an ice cream!"  It did help. GL - they suck lol
    Formerly known as elmoali :)

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  • edited November 2013
    Totally agree with elmoali and Leap08. I teach Kindergarten and I believe positive reinforcement of good behaviour is much more powerful than punishment. We actually do the same type of "behavior plans" that elmoali mentioned for our kids that need them.

    I also learned in teacher training to tell children what they SHOULD be doing (ie, hands to self) vs what they shouldn't (hitting, pushing). But that's slightly older kids, and it doesn't always work, so take my advice with a grain of salt :)

    It's awesome that you're being so proactive! Good luck!!


     

  • I feel that by the time you're punishing him, it's too late. The DCP needs to work on finding appropriate ways to respond to his behavior when it's occurring so he gets the message that it's not OK.

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